Pregnant Teenager (update)

[rose1927]

Well she has finally said that she is keeping the baby. Her boyfriend has just lost his job (just to make things worse).

We have said she can stay here until she is able to support herself but that we will not financially support the baby. We have said that we are going to take £40 per week off her (she only earns £90.00 hairdressing apprentice). To save for maternity and baby things. She also owes us £30 which she is to pay back at £10.00 per week. Today she asked me if I had any money for her friends birthday present....she has so much to learn. We have offered her our lounge and we will move into the back room. We will give her love and support but is it unreasonable to ask her to make financial provisions for when the baby comes. She will get child benefit when baby comes but no other help until she is 18 which will be five months after the birth. She is shattered and feels reallly ill she has a bad b12 deficiency but she really has no choice but to keep working. She also said that she needs to give her boyfriend petrol money but I have said he is his parents problem and she is ours. She has to realise the implications of having this baby. Of course we will help out with bit and pieces but financially she has to start growing up. Am I being unreasonable...we are still paying £80 per month for driving lessons. She is also not looking after herself, not eating properly I really am trying to see the positive side of all this and to support her without interfering. One minute its none of my business the next she asking for money and for me to book doc appts... urghhh Think I might just leave them all.

I have nothing practical to offer so here are some (((((((hugs))))))).

FWIW I think you are very reasonable indeed. I also think that getting her thorough her driving test may be a price worth paying to avoid becoming her taxi at a later stage.

I haven't read any other threads about this but...

As someone who suffered during pregnancy, it worries me that she is working whilst having health problems in pregnancy. If this was my daughter, I would try and help her through the pregnancy in any way I could - particularly financially. I am not sure what your financial situation is, but trying to make her learn about finances in this particular situation is going to cause stress/worry etc. I have to be blunt and say that is sounds like you are punishing her a bit. It is not the time, she is likely to have a tough time in the early years, certainly so you do not need to heap punishment on top, you need to give everything you have mentally, physically and finanically to help her otherwise when she finally gets on her feet, she will remember what happened when she needed help.

I can very well understand how you are torn. While teen pregnancy can no doubt be an excellent thing, having a pregnant teen who is also very immature must be seriously scary. I think there is a risk that you feel so driven to make her grow up in the few months left that it may be difficult for you to separate different issues here, like the health aspect from the merely spoilt brat aspect. I would not encourage her to work if she is not well: I would encourage her to make do with less money.

I would sit down and talk to her again. Make it totally clear that as she has decided to go ahead with the baby, her first commitment is to the baby. That means if she has to stop working for the baby's sake, she will have to accept that that means going without spending money. Tell her that you will not let her starve- she will be fed while she lives with you, so need have no worries on that score during pregnancy. Myabe agree to pay her a small allowance during any pregnancy related illness (a small price to pay for keeping your grandchild safe I would have thought). Tell her that if she has to give up work for health reasons, you will also be putting the £40 in the bank that she would be saving if working, so there will be something there for the baby even if she does give up work. Pay her driving lessons as usual. But do not give her extra money.
You may have to explain once that having a baby will mean that she won't be able to go out much in the next few years anyway, and that is just what motherhood is like: it's the same for other teens who have babies. But do try not to go on and on about it.

Remember that if she has so much learning to do about finances, that has got to be partly about the person who taught her. Even if this pregnancy has catapulted her into adulthood rather quicker than expected, adulthood was just round the corner in any case and she should have been prepared for that gently over a period of years. If you have spoiled her in the past, you can't now turn round and blame her, just because you feel stressed by this added complication of pregnancy. She will be stressed too; it is a bad time to critique your joint parent-child experience.

Hmm, I think you are being a bit harsh, for starters I woulkd forget the £30 .. do you REALLy need it back that desperatly?

I don't know, shes young and going through alot, to me it seems like you are burdening her further.

I know she has decided to keep the baby so she has to 'step up' and grow up, she will have to earn her own money and provide for her own child and her child technically isn't your responsibility, BUT I don't think I could be so hard on my daughter and gradchild in all honesty!

Maybe I will be a soft touch, but I know how hard it is to be pregnant, and if you add being so young and probably scared to that I think I would be telling her I will put a bit of money away for you and help you as best you can!

Hi, I think I need to explain a bit more fully, so you get a better picture. So far this month, she has lost my mobile. We gave her £150 for spending money which she gave to her boyfriend so she had no money on holiday. Lost £170.00. Broken her £150 scissors that we bought her, lost her replacement ones. It has been her birthday and her boyfriends. They had about £200.00 on Friday they went out for dinner twice...On sunday she said she had no money for her train fare for her course so we lent her £30.00. She then said this morning could I give her some money for her friends present. She will just keep takin and taking. Her boyfriend had £4000 last year and gambled it away in 3 weeks. If we give her money she will give it to him, if we buy baby stuff her money will go to him. His mother also has a gambling problem, I am trying not to judge but they are not a good family. If we are not careful we will end up supporting a whole other family. She can stay here and have all the love and support in the world, but we cannot financially support her our son is off to uni this year and my DH is a self employed builder and although we are ok things are a lot quieter for him work wise. I do not want to go back to work full time as I still have a 9 year old whom I am enjoying. I know she is feeling poorly are tired but dont all pregnant women...they dont overwork her and remember she has nothing to do at home, no cooking, no cleaning, no washing, no chores at all. If she cant cope with this how will she cope with a baby an home a job and no money along with a partner wit no qualifications. She has her £90 I am only taking £40 to keep for maternity clothes and baby things, when baby comes until she is 18 she will not get any money at all. I am just trying to plan ahead so the time she has a home with the baby is easier for her and she has no money worries.

I have already said she should tell them at work that she is pregnant and take some time off, but she wont, she does not want them to know. SHE loves her job and wants to carry on. It was her only consideration when she was thinking of a termination, that she didnt want to give up work. She wants this baby but she doesn't want anything in her life to change. She CAN stop working if she wants and of course we would give her a small allowance and yes if we have to provide baby items. SHE does not want to stop working, SHE does not want her life to change, SHE does not want to make do. Her boyfriend has no money...We love her and we will support her she does not have to work but she cant expect us to support her boyfriend.

I think it sounds like a good plan given the circumstances.

If she does get very ill, she can be signed off work.

I would nag her a tad about taking vitamins and eating properly to feel better.

I think taking the £40 and putting it aside for later is an excellent idea. With regards to working when not feeling well that is her decision and you need to leave her to probably muddle along for a while while she gets her head around it all. She knows her family are there for her which is very important.

I think she needs to carry on working. To be honest she has got pregnant and needs to work to pay for it, if she will not consider a termination.

She can have B12 injections, can she not?

She really does need to grow up fast, and letting her stay at home all day daydreaming will be doing her no favours.

If this sounds tough, well adult life and motherhood is tough.

Thank you GETORFMOILAND That is exactly how we feel. I want her to get through her hairdressing I want her to stay here with us so we can teach her a way of life that dosen't involve benefits, it may be longer and harder but it is what I believe is right. She does have b12 injections, I wonder if she is just feeling ill due to pregnancy, felt like say she'll feel like this for years now....I think too SDR that I need to let her muddle along for now. Many thanks everyone x

And I say that as someone who had a baby when i was 17.

She needs to realise that she is unbelievably lucky to have parents who are supportive like you are. However you would be doing her an enormous disservice to molly coddle her and treat her like your baby.

I can only imagine you are worried to death for the future, i am sure that you would (instinctively) want to wrap her in your arms and look after her, however for your daughter's sake and yoru grandchild, I really do think the way you are playing it (loving toughness) is the best way.

She should certainly not give up work. A load of women find pregnancy physically tough, however they have no choice but to carry on working and doing everything as normal. Your daughter has the advatnage of being young and healthy at least.

I would encourage her to save - if you have to agree that you will take x % of her wages and put it aside to buy things for the baby.

I think you are being a wonderful mum.

and I agree with Getoff, mollycoddling her at this time is wrong in every way. She has to accept that motherhood is tough, but thats the card she has dealt, so accept and get on with it.

No way should she give up her apprenticeship, a few days off maybe if really necessary, but giving up at these early days is just the slippery slope to a life of no hope imo, for her and her baby, your grandchild.

Financially I think you should stick to your guns, at least for now, although I guess when your garndchild arrives it may change things a bit.

Good luck with everything it really does sound like a trying situation all round.

I think you're line sounds very fair too.

As for the apprenticeship I would STRONGLY advise dd to carry on if she can. Apprenticeships are not easy to come by and she is very lucky to be getting qualifications in a job she enjoys. If she gives up the job earlier than she has to she will be throwing away a very good long term opportunity for a career and it will be a lot harder for her to get back into an apprenticeship a couple of years down the line.

However she must tell her employer.For her own (and the baby's) health and safety they need to know so they don't ask her to do things with nasty chemicals.

your daughter is acting like a brat imo.
why should you keep paying for her ? shes working she should be paying you housekeeping (abet a small amount) and you should not be giving her handouts.
I think you are too kind , and its obvious you love your daughter very much , but enough is enough.
My step daughter is also pregnant...she is just 18 . She is attending college and works two jobs , so she can get the money to look after her baby, for her fancy pram shes eyeing up and so that she doesnt have to ask her parents (and step parents) for money for something thats her responsibillity.
Tell your dd to stop moaning and get to the doc`s , get a check up to make sure shes ok.
Tell her your no longer a atm she can make withdrawls at , and tell her to get saving.

Hi again rose, for what it is worth i am glad she is keeping the baby as i feelshe will live with a termnation for the rest of her life, i just wanted t say as far as money goes my daughter is 17 and has just finished year 12, she intends to take ayear off and then complete year 13, currently she is not allowed to claim anything at all but we have been told we can continue to claim child benefit until she is 18, we give this to her (always have) and this is her allowance, perhaps we are lucky as she rarely asks us for any extra, i dont know where you live but we are in Trafford Manchester and my DD is registered with connexions and attends a young mums to be class once a week, she receives a £30 allowance from the government for attending this class which leads to an nvq level 2, (my view is this is a gap year withg a baby) she has allready volunteered herself as a mentor for other teen mums but again perhaps i am lucky, but get your daughter registered with connexions and ask what your local childrens services are offering if anything, our daughter uses the 30 for baby things and to attend aqua natal. I have spent money on baby things but i work full time in a well paid job and hubby is the same so dont mind but our daughter does all the cooking and cleaning now she is at home so she pays back this way, also apparently if you register as her landlord which is free she can claim housing benefit. I am sure as time goes on she will grow more mature and realise her responsibility and all you can do is offer her your love and support, everyone tells me grandchildrenb are amazing, it is though hard when youre still young (47!!) and not really expecting it isnt it, take care Rose and i am sure you will be fine when the baby comes xx

Wow Cassann46 thank you so much, I dont think we can claim child benefit as she is an apprentice and employed by a company. I am wondering about the other things though especially the landlord thing. I have already mensioned going to connexions with her in a couple of weeks thank you so much I was feeling negative this morning but feeling much brighter now xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I do think continuing to work will work out much better in the long run, as it's an apprenticeship, and hopefully she will be able to make even more when she's qualified. And if she intends to set up house with her worthless bf, she will need to be able to earn or she will end up homeless. The feeling sick is probably down to morning sickness, and B6, maybe B12 too, would help. Bully her into taking the vitamins and making her own appointments though. She urgently needs to tell her employer -- there are health and safety issues, as well as break times, etc. that her employer needs to sort out, as has been said.

As for the huge amount of money she's gone through in the past little while, plus your phone and the scissors, as well as the thought of giving her bf money -- I am gobsmacked (especially if he has asked her for any). No more giving her any money for anything, is my advice. The boyfriend is seriously bad news and in the long term, I hope you will not be encouraging this relationship. There is no way she should be giving any money to him or even thinking about it.

I also don't see the point of continuing driving lessons at this point, unless she's in a position to buy and run and insure a car. She should do this for herself at a later stage when she is working and can afford it.

WRT her own earnings, you are wise to make her save. Make sure it's you and not the bf who accompanies her to buy necessary items for the baby when the time comes.

She urgently needs to learn to budget and to take care of expensive things, her own and things like your phone. There's a point where money going through her hands like water becomes a real problem, and that's where she is now. You and your DH need to sit her down and ask her to write out exactly where her money goes every day, and produce receipts to prove it. She needs to be completely accountable to you wrt money. If the bf has spent any of her money she needs to account for that too, to you. He sounds like a complete sponger.

There seems to be a relationship issue between her and the bf if she is giving him money, but that can be tackled later.

If she's not going to be able to afford to run a car then is it worth continuing with the driving lessons - depends how near she is to passing her test tbh.

I don't think that's right about housing benefit I'm afraid. You can't claim for a property where the landlord is related to you afaik.

Im not a parent of a teenager. But i am a 23yo mum to six. Just after i turned 17 i gave birth to twins. And the worstthingabout being pregnant was my mum and dads input. My boyfriend and i started dating when we were 14. And i never expected to get pregnant it was a total shock. But i never regretted it. IMO i think you have to help her see that a baby needs lots of things and alot of care. But i also think you need to let her be herself with the baby. I got alot of judgements made about me because i got pregnant when i was 16 and i applied for college but never went becos of my little two and i dont regret it. iwish people left me to myself a bit more and stopped getting involved. Let her be herself but show her the boundaries

b12 injections will transform her. Even all teh mindless losing things etc I did all that and was a bit all over the place until i was diagnosed