13 yo DD Secret Boyfriend - what shall I do?

[DisappointedMum]

Namechaged for this as I'm known in RL and want to sort this out objectively. It's a bit long so stay with me please.

DD2 (13) has always been a bit of home bird, and so DH and I were quite pleased when she started going out with her mates at weekends.

For a couple of months we've dropped her off at their meeting place and seen her go off on the bus with her mates into our nearest big town. No problems, nice mates, always back home on time and easily reached by phone.

We've only had one little run in, when a few months ago I found that she'd added older lads to her MSN despite a million warnings from me and her dad not to add anyone she didn't know in rl. Took her laptop away for a week and made her show me who she'd got as friends and delete anyone that I didn't 'know'.

So all in all we've got what I thought was an open relationship (I know, I know, I'm old and sad and know nothing ). As she'd proven herself we'd started letting her go out to meet her mates in town on her own the past couple of weeks, without us dropping her off.

Anyway, this week she asked me to top up her phone (payg) so I went online to credit her account and had a quick look at her usage history. It appears that on Sunday/Monday she sent over 100 texts many of which were during the school day. I asked her who'd she'd been texting whilst at school and she said that she and her mate had been having a text conversation becuase they couldn't speak in class . So this morning after she'd left for school I went into her room to retrieve something she'd borrowed from me and noticed she'd left her phone behind. Me being nosy an interested mum started looking at her texts. Well, it's obvious there is a lad in the picture and it's also clear from the texts that he's older than her, talking a load of BS and stringing her along.

Have phone DH and told him and we've agreed that tonight we are going to tackle her about lying to me about who she's been texting and lying to both of us about who she's been with.

We know we've got try not to turn this into a massive battle but I really don't know what sanctions to impose. Grounding, removing phone and laptop? How long for? How do we get it into her head that some boys (and girls) will say anyting to get what they want. Flippin eck - how do I got it into my beautiful, smart girl's head that this lad is so obviously after one thing and then he'll be off? She's only a baby and I know I can't put an old head on young shoulders but I don't want her to get hurt

Thanks for sticking with it this far.

Lordy Lordy

Am feeling for you. You must talk to her, that's for sure. Our Dds are the same age. We haven't had any of this yet, but that doesn't mean we won't

I hope someone more experienced is along in a moment.

I have a DS rather than a DD so it may be easier for me to be calm about this scenario, but I don't think she's doing anything so very awful here. She's allowed to go out with her friends, and has no doubt met this boy through a friend of a friend, so he is someone she "knows" even though you don't know him.

Didn't you meet boys that way when you were 13? I know I did.

The important thing she needs to understand is that people sometimes lie, and boys sometimes say they love you to get their leg over. She needs to have the self-confidence and self-esteem not to be taken in by that, if he tries to push her further than she is ready to go (and she shouldn't go very far at all at 13!).

If you've brought her up to value herself, then hopefully she won't be too likely to do much anyway, but you need to make sure she has the knowledge and feels able to not put herself into any difficult situations, like being alone somewhere with this boy where she can't easily get away or get a friend's attention if he gets pushy.

You have got to remember, all the way through, that your DD is not a pet or an object, but a person who is entitled to a degree of privacy. You must accept that she is going to be very angry that you have been snooping - even though you mean to protect her, don't dismiss her anger as irrelevant.
She is going to grow up and have sex, and relationships - arm her well with self-respect and practical knowledge, but remember that she is entitled to make her own moral choices in this area.

Yes 13 is too young to be having sex but it's not necessarily too young to be having sexual feelings (depending on what stage he is at in her physical maturity) - don't try and tell her she 'shouldn't be thinking like that'.

I know she'll be annoyed that I've looked at her texts but I'm more annoyed that she has been messing about in school time than the fact she has a 'boyfriend'.

God knows I remember what I was up to at her age and I suppose that's why I'm worried really because she's more like I was than she realises .

As I said to DH this morning, I don't have a problem with her having a boyfriend but I'm not happy about her lying. We've always been open and honest with her about relationships and boundaries so I can only hope that we've laid strong enough foundations so that she'll keep herself safe.

Still don't know what to say to her so keep the advice coming please.

Oen problem here is that she is likely to avoid telling you anything in future seeing as you nosyed in her phone!

Yes, I agree with SGB that while you are understandably worried, it is important that you don't overlook your own bad behaviour here (although I understand how overwhelming the temptation to snoop must have been )

You need to think about how you are going to address the fact that you were reading her private messages so you don't alienate her completely before you start.

And I'm not completely clear - has she been lying about who she's been with in that she's been meeting this lad without her mates? Or have they just been hanging around in a group and he's been there and she has not mentioned this?

I feel that now more than ever you want to keep lines of communication open so try not to put her on the defensive. When I was much older than your DD, I got engaged simply because my parents were so controlling and made their hatred of my boyfriend so explicit. Needless to say, they were right, he was entirely wrong for me and we broke up but they handled it so appallingly badly, it has been a valuable lesson to me for my own parenting...

FWIW, DS is a few years older than your DD. One of his schoolmates had a thing with a younger girl (can't remember what exactly - something harmless like a snog at the disco) and has been mercilessly ridiculed ever since as a 'paedo'. Self-respecting boys at this age do not go out with much younger girls. Without dissing her choice of boyfriend too much, you could gently point this out to DD.

I knew that she was meeting up with some older kids too, but she told me they were all at her school (yr 10/11). I don't have a problem with that as I used to hang around with a group of mixed aged mates.

But it appears from the texts that the mates of her own age that I thought she was with are not part of this new group.

Perhaps I should put her phone back and just mention that I've noticed that she's used all of her credit again (£10 since Friday) and ask where it's all gone? Altough I'm not sure what I'll do if she lies again.

suena the thing is she's met him in a park and he doesn't go to her school (not sure how old he is but he has mentioned being in the pub) so I don't know if he knows she's only 13. She is quite tall, with a lovely figure and would easily pass for 15 or 16.

Could you have a "general" talk with her about boys etc without mentioning that you know about this specific one?

You say things changed a couple of weeks ago with you giving her a little more freedom to go off on her own - you could make it sound like that has prompted you to think that she needs to be clear about personal safety and relationships etc, and have a chat about the sorts of things that she will need to be aware of now and as she gets older.

Like, if she's meeting a boy and her friends aren't around, how to stay in public places to avoid any awkward situations, how to feel confident to say No and get out of a situation if she starts to feel uncomfotanbe with where its leading, how not to be taken in by how flattering boys can be, etc.

And separately, I'd tell her off about texting so much in class, and say she'll lose it if she is abusing it and not getting her school work done.

Sanctions are completely inappropriate and pointless. She's not a toddler. If you want her to act responsibly, you need to treat her that way. Talk to her respectfully about your concerns and talk through possible scenarios etc as one person to another. If you act the heavy, she is even less likely to tell you anything in future. Keep the conversation general, not about what she has or hasn't done. I always tell my dc about things that happened to me at their age (made up if necessary!)and what I thought and did and let them take what they can from it.

And she's 13, she is entitled to some privacy and doesn't have to tell you EVERYTHING.

But agree no texting at school. Would keep her phone at home.

On a purely practical note, I would set a limit of how much credit you are prepared to put on her phone per month and insist she sticks to it!

Agree with other posters- and I do have a 13yo dd.

The way I look at it, my job is not so much to police her as to help her understand how she needs to protect herself. But as she moves on in life, sometimes she does need to take risks- like making friends with non-vettted strangers. (how would any of us have got to be parents if we hadn't- seeing that most MNers have probably not had arranged marriages)

It's about learning to be sensible and selective in your risk taking. And imo the best way to this is not to be convinced that your parents are over-protective and intrusive old gaffers who don't know anything about real life.

I try to give dd general scenarios with safety advice, rather than pressure her to tell me details about her life. One such piece of advice would definitely be, make sure any boy you are with knows how old you are.

I agree that young people should not be expected to tell their parents everything, plainly they do not! That is why parents need to be really good detectives. Young people need protection from themselves and their (sometimes) ill informed ideas. How this is achieved is tricky and what works for one family, doesn't for another. imo you did the right and responsible thing by looking at her phone. Stand up for this principle, I don't buy into this privacy right. "Children" have the right to protection, even from themselves. Rights in this context are what you earn from being found trustworthy and should be given gradually.

If it reassures you, i had secret BFs at that age, some of whom were older and I didn't sleep with them...

FanjoForTheMammaries - the difference being they did not call you on your mobile phone, privately, wherever you might have been. I don't remember the demands of receiving telephone calls whilst out with friends, or at school (!) and the peer pressure. I took some calls on the house phone (often wrong numbers) as far as my parents were concerned, and they were not fools!

I think AmumfromScotland's advice is good.

Just speak to her generally about her new found freedom and the responsibility that must go with that.

Especially about letting boys know how old you are.

Best to avoid a huge confronation. Let her know you are aware but do not apologize as to how. Let the thought settle. What you think is best for your daughter will not be achieved in one night. Lots of storming ahead, but go with it. Be calm and confident. Ask her where she wants to be in 10 years time and highlight some of the temptations and pitfalls that may prevent her from realising her goals. Plenty of sleazy examples to choose from. In time, take her round the rougher neighbourhoods. I'm going to be flamed for this, but I really do think they need guidance from parents that are not trying to be best friends with their kids, or afraid of them.

do you have any teenage relatives or daughters of friends that are slightly older?

i have a cousin who when she was 12/13 started going out with friends and meeting boys. her mum was obviously concerned and asked if i would have a chat with her (i am 7 years older) she started staying with me at weekends and we got really close. she told me all about the boys in the same way she would her own friends and i would tell her about when i was young i used to meet buys but how, i learned pretty quick what they were after. she took all this on board. i think because it was coming from a 'friend' rather than a parent (although i wasn't a freind i was helping her mum out).

it might help if she thought someone understood her and wasn't just an interfering parent (not saying you are, just how she might see it.)

DD1(14) has just read this for you and likes MumInScotland's suggestion of a general talk.

She also thinks that she will snap out of the texting pdq without you putting credit on her phone.

Apart from that, she doesn't seem to think this all a heinous crime and reckons your dd would have told you eventually but was waiting to see if anything came of it.

Not sure if that helps, tbh...