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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13 yo DD Secret Boyfriend - what shall I do?

44 replies

DisappointedMum · 16/06/2010 10:15

Namechaged for this as I'm known in RL and want to sort this out objectively. It's a bit long so stay with me please.

DD2 (13) has always been a bit of home bird, and so DH and I were quite pleased when she started going out with her mates at weekends.

For a couple of months we've dropped her off at their meeting place and seen her go off on the bus with her mates into our nearest big town. No problems, nice mates, always back home on time and easily reached by phone.

We've only had one little run in, when a few months ago I found that she'd added older lads to her MSN despite a million warnings from me and her dad not to add anyone she didn't know in rl. Took her laptop away for a week and made her show me who she'd got as friends and delete anyone that I didn't 'know'.

So all in all we've got what I thought was an open relationship (I know, I know, I'm old and sad and know nothing ). As she'd proven herself we'd started letting her go out to meet her mates in town on her own the past couple of weeks, without us dropping her off.

Anyway, this week she asked me to top up her phone (payg) so I went online to credit her account and had a quick look at her usage history. It appears that on Sunday/Monday she sent over 100 texts many of which were during the school day. I asked her who'd she'd been texting whilst at school and she said that she and her mate had been having a text conversation becuase they couldn't speak in class . So this morning after she'd left for school I went into her room to retrieve something she'd borrowed from me and noticed she'd left her phone behind. Me being nosy an interested mum started looking at her texts. Well, it's obvious there is a lad in the picture and it's also clear from the texts that he's older than her, talking a load of BS and stringing her along.

Have phone DH and told him and we've agreed that tonight we are going to tackle her about lying to me about who she's been texting and lying to both of us about who she's been with.

We know we've got try not to turn this into a massive battle but I really don't know what sanctions to impose. Grounding, removing phone and laptop? How long for? How do we get it into her head that some boys (and girls) will say anyting to get what they want. Flippin eck - how do I got it into my beautiful, smart girl's head that this lad is so obviously after one thing and then he'll be off? She's only a baby and I know I can't put an old head on young shoulders but I don't want her to get hurt

Thanks for sticking with it this far.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 16/06/2010 16:51

chatelaine..mobile phones did not exist then

Chatelaine · 16/06/2010 17:04

Who ever he is and whatever age he is, the fact remains that it is so casual and without any boundaries as to when they get in contact, all due to the questionable "freedom" of the mobile phone. It encroaches on their development. If your daugher has always been a bit of a home bird, then maybe she needs to be helped to develop some other interests. Boys are a natural interest at this age and can dominate unless there is something else on offer to build self esteem.

Chatelaine · 16/06/2010 17:08

FanjoForTheMammaries - sorry - the irony was obviously wasted!

thesecondcoming · 16/06/2010 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chatelaine · 16/06/2010 17:13

That depends on the parents their family.

cory · 16/06/2010 17:23

when I was 13 we (well, more my peers than me) used to hang around the streets and would frequently meet with boys we didn't know beforehand, or whom maybe only one member of the gang knew and that not very well

you don't need a mobile to make casual contact; my generation managed that perfectly well just with the greater freedom of movement we had in those days

GetOrfMoiLand · 16/06/2010 17:24

Disappointed I do feel for you. It isvery hard when they start growing up.

My dd is 14 and she has had a 'serious' boyfriend for 6 months. She started off seeing him in secret, as I said that it was inappropriate for her to have boyfriends at such a young age (which, looking back was an unrealistic thing to stipulate, but there you go).

The deal with me and DD is that I can, at any point, ask to look at her phone or facebook. So, I was just looking at her facebook and saw that she had loads of pics of a boy, who she knew from Air cadets. I asked her to tell me if he was her boyfriend, she fudged it for a while, then admitted that she had been going out wth him for a month. The boy is 2 years older than dd, so 16, which rang alamr bells.

Initially I was pissed off that she had hidden this from me, and took her laptop away. Then, thought if I make him fobidden fruit it will make a relationship with him so much more attractive. They don't go to the same school, see each otehr only at cadets twice a week. I thought i would meet him and be relaxed about the whole thing.

He is a lovely boy, he is very young for his age, and is from a strict family, so they see each other infrequently. Whenever they do meet up, they go into town, then either to my house or his (parents in at all times). I have spoken to dd about sex - she is adamant that she doesn't want to have sex underage, and to be honest I have got to take that at face value. She is a sensible girl, and I am going to have to trust her.

I think I have done the best I can. It causes a lot of contention at home because DP thinks I am nuts, and that all 16 year olds are the same. So, I still am a bit unsure and think soemtimes I should have stopped the relationship in its tracks. God knows.

Sorry to be absolitely no help at all!

PortiaNovmerriment · 16/06/2010 17:58

I would be more worried about the safety thing about a boy you just don't know. I remember reading a thread on here (and showing it to dd) about a girl who had been viciously attacked in the park by an older boy met up with there who was walking her home. It has been deleted because there was a court case going on (I think they'd first made contact over facebook iirc). I know that will always be a tiny minority, but I think I would want to be stressing that there is safety in numbers and to stick with her group of friends until you really know somebody and their family. Oh, I dunno, I don't want to raise hysteria- ignore me probably.

thesecondcoming · 16/06/2010 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DisappointedMum · 16/06/2010 21:26

Have just got back from rl so thanks for all your input while I've been away.

Well DH and I have decided to leave it for now but just keep an eye out for any changes in behaviour and too much pushing of the boundaries. We have a 16 yo DD but she is very different and has only just started going out with her first boyfriend, whose the same age as she is and she told me about him straight away. We've met him and welcomed him into our house so DD2 knows we are not averse to welcoming gentlemen callers .

I am going to have a discreet chat with her head of house tomorrow about the texting in class and to check if her teachers have noticed any slacking off in her work (I'll want the nipping in the bud). I'll also make sure she leaves her phone(s)at home (have noticed she's got an old phone out).

Reading what you've all said I think it shows how hard it is to give teens the freedom to start making their own way, whilst still keeping them as safe as possible.

She does know the rules and we've spent years building her up to respect herself. She acknowledges that she gets a lot of freedom for her age and that if she betrays us there will be consequences. She also knows that she only gets £10 per month top up and she won't ask me for more now so I'm guessing that's why the old phone has made an appearance.

I know she'll have strong feelings and want to try them out and as I said much earlier I don't have a problem with her having a boyfriend per se. I think my biggest concerns are the ability for youngsters now to have contact at all times of the day and night and the age issue (she only turned 13 a couple of weeks ago).

I managed to have a little chat earlier when she showed me a daft photo of some mates on facebook and we talked about how she should make sure that the people she's started to hang around with know how old she is as it wouldn't be fair for any lads to think she's older. She took that in good part and said that there are plenty of people there who know her from school.

I know that we can't be too hard on her until she actually does something bad (texing in school aside). As long as she's where she should be and back when we've said then we can live with it.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 16/06/2010 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffles · 16/06/2010 21:52

oh congratulations for being so level-headed.. i was worried after your OP.

well done

booyhoo · 16/06/2010 22:10

DM i think you are doing the right thing. give her the benfit of the doubt, you know you have brought her up with good guidelines and as long as you keep the channels of communication open then she should feel able to talk to you if she needs to.

my mum went in a bit heavy handed when it came to boys. she is a midwife and was constantly coming home with stories of young girls having babies and how bad that was and really made out like any relationships with boys would be frowned upon. needless to say i kept my first BF secret until she found out after a few months. she started imposing strange rules that had never existed before in an attempt to limit my contact with him. of course that made me resent her and i wanted to be with him all the more, i spent less and less time at home and ended up as a teen mum. exactly what she had tried to prevent. i think there is a lessen in that. (not saying mum is responsible for my ds btw)

booyhoo · 16/06/2010 22:11

lesson

cory · 17/06/2010 07:59

boyhoo makes a good point: I think it is very important not to go to town on horror stories at the first mention of a boyfriend

after all, what we want them to learn from us is the importance and joy of a good happy relationship and (when time is ripe) of good happy sex, and that's going to be harder to drum into them if they get the idea that mummy thinks any boyfriend=disaster

not saying they shouldn't be warned, but it should be about recognising warning signs (controlling boy, boy who tries to guilt trip you into sex before you are ready etc) rather than overall negativity

zerominuszero · 17/06/2010 20:15

I haven't had time to read all the replies, I'm afraid but the thing that really confuses me about this situation is that you are considering punishing her. I simply don't think she has done anything wrong. The only crime you have suggested is that she hasn't told you every single tiny detail about her private life.... well, the one thing I can tell you with certainty is that you can wave goodbye to her ever telling you anything else about her life ever again if you punish her for this.

Whatever happened to sitting down and having a rational conversation, rather than punishing?

Original poster

DisappointedMum · 19/06/2010 11:32

Quick update - she asked me to top her phone up today and when I asked her how she'd managed to use up £10 in a week she told me that she'd phoned a friend.

We had a bit of a good natured chat and she admitted that there is a boy who she likes who is 15 and is part of her wider group. DH and I told her that we are fine with her having a boyfriend and that we preferred her to be honest with us just so that we know she's safe. Reminded her about staying in a group, etc.

Have agreed to top her phone up once more but that it's got to last a month and that we'll look at a different plan so that she gets some free minutes too.

Good result all round me thinks - so thanks everyone for helping me to see the bigger picture.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 19/06/2010 12:00

Well done - as you say Good result!

motherofboys · 19/06/2010 12:32

From my experience of being a teenager---

I was about 13 when my Mum lost it during one of these patronising talks where she told me boys were only after one thing. I will never ever forget that day and it completely changed my relationship with her. I became a very competent liar

As my name shows I now have sons - and I would hate to think they were only after one thing!!
Whilst we want to protect our children we have to realise they are their own people and have to find their own way in life.

Totally agree that you should not be having a specific talk with her - if she thinks you snoop whe will also probably turn into a very competent liar. Talk generally and make sure you don't do anything to lower her self esteem as this is the most direct way to turning her into a toy for boys.

I do not envy you - let us know how it goes/went!

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