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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Pregnant Teenager

64 replies

rose1927 · 08/06/2010 14:27

Hi, my daughter has just told me she is pregnant about 6 weeks. She is just 17. She has an on off relationship with her boyfriend of about a year.
I am really struggling. I have told her we will support her no matter what her decision, but I really do not want her to have this baby. I have told her if she decides to keep it we will support her but that we do not want to bring up any more children. I cannot see how she could live at home as my husband is convinced it would be to easy for her to unload her responsibilities on us. I am torn part of me want to love her to death and tell her it is all ok and the other part really does not want to look after any more children. She would need to either get a job on end up on some sort of benefit although her boyfriend works he does not earn a lot. This is just not the life I wanted for her. Please help I am sooo sad.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 12/06/2010 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

rose1927 · 12/06/2010 21:53

Hi little white wolf thank you for your support. I have asked if she would talk to people who have had babies young I know a number but she is a typical teenager along with working 40hour per week...she is beautiful, lovely, kind, happy, sulky, stubborn completely self obsessed and knows everything already and of course she will be different. What can I say, I love her feel sorry for and am furious all at once. I do want her to have a termination but I cannot push this. Not once has she said sorry for this mess, We impressed upon her no babies in this house, she has a draw full of condoms. But she is my child and I have to stick with her.

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LittleWhiteWolf · 12/06/2010 22:07

She's still quite early in the pregnancy isnt she? I'm sure that within the next year she will change a lot and begin to realise what a big undertaking this is.
Is she quite skinny? SIL was very proud of her bump but after a while the novelty of that wore off as she started getting stretchmarks and achey etc. That was a time when she started apologising to her mum for putting her through it as well; its like the penny dropped the closer she got to her due date.

Another thing I would add for when baby is here, which it sounds like you will do anyway, is teach rather than do. I was talking with MIL over this week and we both expressed a regret that we helped too much when my nephew was newborn, and in fact didnt help much at all. SIL lived with MIL for about 15 months, then when she moved out she was hit all over again with how hard it was.
I think you are offering the greatest compromise you possibly can, and I also think that when she and her bf start looking for somewhere to rent and work out a break down of expenses that she will realise just how lucky she has it.

mathanxiety · 12/06/2010 22:24

No experience here, but how about getting the old school nurse to sit down with her and talk about the 600.00 per month and exactly how far that will get her and how much month will be left over once the money runs out.

I think she's actually ambivalent about having the baby if she doesn't want the hairstyling clients to see her pregnant and look down their noses at her, plus all the talk of keeping up the horse-riding ) no doubt paying a babysitter while she's off enjoying herself. She won't have time to pick her nose when the baby comes, unless someone else is willing to let her. She's not living in reality anyway. Has she ever done the crying doll thing, where you have to take care of a doll that cries day and night and you have to devote yourself to taking care of it? Maybe a bit simplistic.

Have you talked to the bf? Do you think anything could be gained by inviting him over and sitting down to have an adult discussion about reality, the four of you together? He's a part of this too, after all.

ruckyrunt · 12/06/2010 22:31

just wanted to let you know that they do have councelors at the clincis - your dd can go and speak and get help sorting herself out with what she wants to do. They are trained and will experianced and will not make the choice for your dd but help her come to her own decission.

My sister used to do this and also council for the other parts of fertility such as infertility.

it is important that she talks to someone that really knows how not to let their won feelings or views come though

Original poster

rose1927 · 13/06/2010 10:54

Hi, all yes we have done the crying doll thing, my DH and I accidently killed it I think....We have chatted to her bf and he is an ok lad he is trying to support her the best he can. She has never lived in reality does anyone at that age. We are getting our heads around it now. I am trying not to say to much more and let the councelors help her.The trouble is she is at work all day I am at home I build up all this stuff to say and hit her with it either as she wakes up or as she walks in..think I am making things worse now. She wont speak to the school nurse as she wont say what she wants to hear.

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mathanxiety · 13/06/2010 20:43

LOL at you and DH killing the crying doll

DaniellaC · 14/06/2010 01:35

Just wanted to say sorry if my message sounded blunt. That is just my personal view on things. My mum had an abortion when she was my age and said it didn't affect her at all. Everyone is different. You sound like you're doing an amazing job and I know i'tll seem hard now but everything will sort itself out one way or another
Nappyaddict - No I was using condoms but tbh didn't really know what we were doing with them so quite probably used them wrong I got the implant after the termination.

DaniellaC · 14/06/2010 01:35

Original poster

rose1927 · 14/06/2010 08:20

Hi DaniellaC no not blunt just honest it is such a difficult subject. She has had the pill, the injection, the implant and then the pill...reading between the lines think she just ran out and took a chance ignoring the condoms in the drawer. Personally, I would have a terminiation and this is what I would like her to do. All the advice centres have said that I must not pressure her one way or the other. However I am all for early terminations, once she gets to 12 weeks that is already getting a bit late for me. As cross as we are I am trying to take in all the positive feed back people have given. I am trying to remember she is not sick, not dying she is just pregnant and she is not alone and SHE will just have to learn to cope and I will just have to make her cope. WIsh the sick feeling in my stomach would go that wakes me up every morning. I wonder if she was going to terminate would she not of reach that decision now...7 and half weeks today, not long left to sort it out if she wants to end it...

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traumaqueen · 14/06/2010 08:46

Just wanted to send you some support. DD is 17 and I know just how realistic her expectations of parenthood would be.

nickschick · 14/06/2010 08:58

Rose when I worked for the social services some of the best mums were young mums whod had completely unexpected pregnancies and coped.

Some of them coped so well often unsupported from parents and partners they were better than the older experienced mums.

Its not the end of the road its just a rockier path.

She will cope and she will grow up fast.

A young girl near me still in school found herself pregnant from being a party girl she transformed....she caught up with her GCSEs in the mother and baby unit had a beautiful baby,supported her partner in prison and is now studying at college with the baby in creche-she lives at home but needs little support and even has 2 jobs,1 she does with her baby in tow at naptimes (avon and another doorstep delivery thing) and a part time job in a hairdressers where she pays a friend to babysit- shes a beautiful girl in looks and personality and when I told her how well she coped she said 'i have to -its that or sink'.

leaningtoweroflaundry · 14/06/2010 10:03

Rose, we've had to deal with this too. In my case it was DSD1 who got pregnant at 16 and I can tell you there were many tears, shouting matches and long silences. DH wanted her to terminate because he didn't think that she would cope and that it would be anybody but her taking care of the child. This was all based on her previous behaviour and her behaviour whilst pregnant. His reaction to her preganacy meant that she refused to speak to him for the majority of the pregnancy and didn't allow him to attend scans etc with her despite his appologising to her and trying to make amends (she would speak to me on the phone if he wasn't in). She also didn't let us see DGS for about 8wks altough we did get to see him (briefly) at the hospital. She admits herself that she knew it would hurt DH but felt justified because he wanted her to terminate.

DGS will be turning 1 in August and things have turned out better than we expected. DSD1 has just finished her NVQ3 in haidressing and will be starting fulltime work in July. She stayed on her course throughout her pregnancy and returned to it 4wks after DGS was born. Although like your DD, she didn't want to be seen by the clients, the course tutor helped to accomodate her. She had a few problems but any clients who were rude were swiftly dealt with, which seemed to boost her confidence. She has really grown up quickly and is a great mum. She takes care of DGS with very little help from any of us. We keep him every other saturday so that she can work and DH's mum keeps him overnight if she wants to go out. She's still a typical teen in many ways but she does her best not to abuse the babysitting perks and as a result has a good social life. DH and DSD1 had a looooong talk recently where they both admitted they had been harsh with each other and things are looking up. She did admit (to me) that DH had been right and that she had struggled to cope in the begining, but sheer bloody mindedness had won (wonder where she got that from). She's also found out who her real friends are and was surprised that they weren't the ones who she used to hang out with (thank god!!).

Things have a tendancy to work themselves out. It doesn't feel like it when you are stuck in the middle of it, but eventually they do.

my god.... this is an essay

Original poster

rose1927 · 14/06/2010 10:26

Thank you so much you have made me feel more positive than I have since I found out. I have told my daughter that together we can get through anything but she must expect ups as well as downs and that part of loving each other is being really honest too. Had to laugh at your name leaningtoweroflaundry I have already planned if she is keeping it to buy her her own laundry basket.....Plenty of time to practice her washing skills. It is just a shock when you think your life is on a certain path and you realise it isnt. I also agree that young mums can make fantastic mums and it isnt the age even really or motherhood, its the financial implications I have had such an easy life I haven't worked full time for 20 years. I just dont want her to have to struggle. We will get through whatever happens.

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