Pregnant Teenager

[rose1927]

Hi, my daughter has just told me she is pregnant about 6 weeks. She is just 17. She has an on off relationship with her boyfriend of about a year.
I am really struggling. I have told her we will support her no matter what her decision, but I really do not want her to have this baby. I have told her if she decides to keep it we will support her but that we do not want to bring up any more children. I cannot see how she could live at home as my husband is convinced it would be to easy for her to unload her responsibilities on us. I am torn part of me want to love her to death and tell her it is all ok and the other part really does not want to look after any more children. She would need to either get a job on end up on some sort of benefit although her boyfriend works he does not earn a lot. This is just not the life I wanted for her. Please help I am sooo sad.

No, you are telling her honestly how it is and how you feel. If she has the strength to withstand that and have the baby, good for her. If she is determined to go ahead and make plans for herself & baby then it is all possible for her, but she needs to have a can do attitude to achieve this. She needs to be prepared to go out and make it happen, but may not have the skills to do so. She will need to engage with Health Care Professionals herself to get the best out of it. That means outside agencies will be involved and you may well have mixed feelings about that. I don't think it is going to help her in the long run to build up unrealistic expectations of what you are able to offer emotionally/practically. It takes courage, strength and insight to know yourself so hold onto that, you are being honest. GetOrfMoiLand was able to pull through with eyes open and overcome difficulties with little support, and gives an interesting & sensible point of view. You still have a little time to come to terms with this and at the moment it is all "storming".

I know it's not the life you wanted for her but it's her reality. Both my sister and sister in law were teenage mums at a time when it was still much frowned upon. Both children have gone on to have successful lives and careers, however the mothers received a lot of practical and financial hep from their families. Nothing makes you grow up more than a small child depending on you. Your daughter needs your support but this her problem and this must ultimately be her decision. You are there to help her but not bring up her child for her. There are counselling services available for her. It sounds as though a talk to someone who has been in her position will help.

Rose - don't flagellate yourself.

Whatever happens it seems that it will be a huge eye opener for your daughter. From the sound of what you have said, she does sound emotionally immature and, correct me if I am wrong, but a bit babied and cossetted. Not that this is a bad thing I hasten to add, but bearing in mind the monumental seriousness of pregnancy, it is not ideal.

It is a question of making a logical choice, not based on what is best right here and now, but best for teh future of you, your family and your daughter looking into the future.

You say that you don't think your dd could cope with the emotional pain of termination - yes that would be traumatic, however if you weigh it up against the alternative, which is a young mother, immature and not ready, a massive impact on the rest of the family (because, to be perfectly honest, as she is young and immature it is inevitable that you will end up with teh burden of responsibility), the short term pain and agnst of having an abortion I think is easier than the long term consequence of her having the baby.

Sorry Rose - I don't mean to insult you and your dd by saying she is immature, I don't mean that horribly but just saying it in context of her being pregnant.

Daniella I think I remember you. You got pregnant whilst using the implant?

My advice would be to not talk to her about it unless she comes to you. Otherwise she may feel like you are pressuring her into an abortion and if she does end up having one no doubt that afterwards she will partly blame you.

She can still carry on doing her apprenticeship. She may have to take a couple of months off when the baby is born but there's no reason she can't continue doing it. Same for the horse riding. As long as she's sensible and can ride a safe oldish horse she will be fine. That's what my (horsey) midwife told my friend who rides anyway.

If she chooses to have the baby be there, support her, give her advice if she asks for it (but not if she doesn't - nothing worse than unwanted advice) but don't interfere and don't help out too much else she will come to depend on you and she needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet early on. If you help too much in the early days she will find it difficult to do things on her own later on. If she always has to do everything herself she will be used to it from the beginning. I unfortunately know this from experience.

I agree as well that with many girls that get pregnant who are immature, irresponsible, off the rails, unmotivated, with no ambition etc by the time the baby is born their outlook on life has completely changed and it is the making of them.

There's nothing wrong with her wanting to live somewhere nice. I don't know where you live but we are quite lucky that the council estates around here are OK. If she doesn't want to live on a council estate and doesn't mind the fact that she may have to move every so often if the landlord doesn't renew her tenancy she will probably get some help towards private renting via housing benefit.

It would be better if she carried on with her apprenticeship but it's not the end of the world if she decides to take some time out. Most women with careers take some time off from it when they are pregnant and for the first months at least. Why should it be any different for her cos she's younger?

Get her to go on entitledto.com to see what benefits her and her boyfriend will be able to claim.

I think in this economic climate, I wouldn't rely on council housing, housing benefit and benefits if I got pregnant when I was 17. I think that gravy train is going to be derailed very shortly, because people are tired of the taxpayer being the first port of call for financial support whenever someone messes up in life, rather than relying on themselves and taking full financial responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

Slightly going off on a tangent here but I think it will be a shame if important benefits like housing benefit are scrapped. I would hate to think of people staying in abusive relationships because they couldn't afford the rent on their own even with a full time job. Or people feeling like they have to put their 6 week old babies into full time nursery if there is no SMP.

Hi Rose. I just wanted to tell you my story. I got pregnant at 19 by accident, I was in what I thought was a stable relationship at the time (we actually split up 6 months ago) and my mum was very much thinking like you - she wanted to support me in any choice, but there was no way she wanted to raise a baby again. She loves DS, but she is not a "baby" person. She said very clearly quite early on that she had her own life and she would not be babysitting all the time etc. I accepted this because, like SirBoobAlot, I felt that the baby was MY responsibility and I didn't want to pass him off at every opportunity. It probably helped that I had already moved out of home and was living with my boyfriend, but we did have to claim some benefits etc after I stopped work.

Although how well this will go down is going to depend on your relationship with her - my mum had always taken this kind of line e.g. when I wanted lifts to places, she said that I was asking too much and we had a bit of an argument where I said I didn't know how often I was supposed to be allowed to ask, and then we sat down and decided a certain number, e.g. one lift a week and I had to get the bus the rest of the time, unless it was somewhere I couldn't get a bus to. She never picked me up at 11 or later if I'd been out drinking - that was up to me to organise.

I think the best way to go about it is just be there for her emotionally but try not to offer her any solutions unless she asks for advice. So let her know that you will be there if she ever has a problem she really can't see the answer to, but that you trust her to make her own decisions. So if she starts stressing about money then you could suggest looking at claiming benefits, or if she wanted to do her apprenticeship and was worried it was going to cost too much then you could offer her a place to live at home. But for almost all problems, she can deal with them herself, without your involvement - you might need to nudge her in the right direction, but there are systems out there etc which will support her and enable her to stand on her own two feet. It's hard as well but try not to offer solutions automatically, like if she is saying "I really want this £500 pram" resist the temptation to say "Just get one for £20 from the local paper, you don't need a fancy one!" unless she actually asks "Mum, I just don't know how we are going to afford everything, what shall we do?" then you could suggest second hand stuff, ebay, local paper, freecycle, etc.

Equally try not to tell her her expectations are unrealistic or that she doesn't know what she is talking about, because that is just going to make her feel got at and probably react in an even more immature way. If you let her go and make her own mistakes and figure things out together with her boyfriend, she'll grow up quickly, because she will have to. So when she is going off saying "We are going to get a really nice place to rent" just wait and let them look around and find out prices etc, and see for themselves if it's realistic. No landlord is going to rent to them if the rent is ALL of their income, so don't worry that they are going to get into something they really can't afford. (But think very carefully if you are asked to be a guarantor for rent etc)

It's going to be hard, nobody is disputing that, but it's not impossible - she will be ok. She can always pick up her training at a later date.

Thank you all ever so much...just need to find out what she wants to do now. Hope its sooner rather than later.

hiya rose, i was 16 whn i was pregnant 17 when i gave birth. wow what a wake up that was. life was so very difficult, very very, i cant stress how difficult it was. but then i didn;t have supportive parents like you.

that was me.

my twins are 17. my boy has already talked to me about babies - he is very loved up at the mo. as a 17 yr old pregnant - i wouldnt; have changed a thing - as a mum - oh boy, how difficult is that. all i said to my boy was - that i wouldnt have them living at my house.

ive done my bit - and rose - you are entitled to your life. theres a line between supporting your children and just doing it for them.

i suspect - just through stories i;ve heard that - if your daughter has an abortion that she will just be pregnat next year anyway - what do you think? i think that this would add to the teenage angst and drama and oh woe is me type teenage dance that they do.

so i would suggest if she is to keep the baby - you need to make clear boundries - yo dont babysit as a norm - one offs are ok - and she gets up in hte night - its hard - so very hard , its not like you wont hear the baby cry and your daughter struggle - but this is her own adulthood she need to make here - and you wont be doing her any favours - except maybe afer the birth - i would have likes some sleep between birth and having to get up in the night - that might be a nice gesture - but a one off.

Hello everyone

I am feeling so much more positive today.. I had a long talk with my husband. This is what we have come up with and just wait to hear what my daughter said - shows just how young she is.

I have said if she goes ahead and they save there money now..they should concentrate on their relationship and baby stuff.. When baby comes they could stay here while they save and she finishes her training, they If the saved now they could have £8000.00 in 18 months. What a start that would be to starting up together.

We have said that we will not give them any money as that is too easy and if things dont work out they could end up in a house furnished by us that my daughter cant afford to stay in.

I said if they stayed here they could have the lounge (we are building an extension) and her room. I am not prepared to change my hours at work or my standard of living for her but I will support her to make a future for herself. She would have to change and start cooking cleaning and washing for herself and tidy.

She said she could'nt do that and they were going to move out a couple of months before the baby was born..Her boyfriend only has about 600 a month left after his car and insurance....Oh what expectations she has of him.

We have seen the funny side though she is a pain in the neck to live with and we hoped someone rich would come and take her away, well at least someone might come and take her away...think we might move.

My upset hubby has also seen a lighter side, my pregnant daughter still sucks her thumb at every opportunity, and the impression he does of her sucking her thumb and feeding baby/pushin her pram and changing a nappy are hilarious...We are going to make the most of this joke for the next few months x

Thank you all for your help, you have been more helpful than any advice line. I am sure we are not through the woods by a long way but whatever she decides we now know what we have decided that we can be a safety net and a home while she financially sorts herself out.

Hi Rose

I am now 37 and have a 19 yr old son. Looking back i wish my parents had encouraged me to have a termination rather then just saying they will support me with my decision. TBH i had NO idea about the real choice i was making. I can remember my thought process like it was yesterday: To keep the baby seemed further away ...which meant i could bury my head in the sand and not have to actually make a decision. I kept the baby.

My parents were great (looking back) they kicked me out (nicely) and forced me into looking after him - they didn't take over and i am grateful for that - i HAD to learn how to cope. I was a terrible mother and i spent many years feeling guilty worrying how much my actions have/did effect him (in his early life) I became a mum again aged 30 - and finally learn t what it means to be a mum.

On a positive side my wonderful son is the apple of my eye - he is off to uni this year - i also got off my bum and went back to college and on to work with in the SS working with teenagers and teenage mums (have been there for 14 yrs) i earn a very good wage ... so there can be a future after being a teenage mum.
Love to you and your daughter

I feel so sorry for that baby. I'm so lucky I wasn't born to someone that immature.

She's in for a very rude shock and hope she adjusts well to being a single mum, because that relationship is doomed.

Adoption is also an option

it seems like no one in this country ever gives up a child for adoption voluntarily.

This is such a personal decision, to be made within a family. Be strong Rose and do not be bullied. Good luck to you all.

Thank you for your support, I have seen a pattern in this thread and it shows what an emotional subject this is. When I was adament I could not look after or help if she had this baby and that she should have a termination the gist was dont push her into it she will regret it and now when we have decided that if she has it how to support her the best we can the gist is that maybe abortion is not such a bad idea after all...It is so hard and we are constantly swayed either way. I just think how hard to go through this at 17 with no experience of either option. She is not ready but we are ready to help her and expatinscotland you neednt worry about the baby if she has it she will have all our support for ever. Immature as she is she is a lovely loving kind girl. She is just very young and still a bit selfish as we all are at that age. She will just need to grow up quickly. Thank you all again.

We thought she was on the pill, I have questioned her and I said did you think of the morning after pill and she just shrugged her shoulders she said we hardly had sex. Think she had run of the pill and thought she wouldnt get caught out silly silly girl. I have to let this be her decision if I push a termination all the advice from the professional have said this will damage her. I have offered her emotional support but not financial. She will have to live with the consequences either way.

I'm glad that adoption was mentioned... I have 3 relatives who gave up for adoption and 2 who have adopted. All good perhaps excellent outcomes, although not easy. My aunt who adopted is now close friends with her biological daughter whom she didn't raise or even meet again for ~27 years.

Its such a tough one isnt it, the decision to have or not to have? My SIL was younger than your DD when she fell pregnant: we found out on her 15th birthday that she was expecting. At the time she was adamant she wanted this baby and was determined to be a fantastic mum etc. Now her son is 3 1/2 and knowing what she knows now she would have terminated. Thats not to say she doesnt love him, its just that EVERYTHING is so hard with a small child in tow. But had she had a termination I dread to think of the impact it would have had on her as she was incredibly vulnerable and emotional at that age.

FWIW I agree with posters who say you're doing right by everyone in the best way you can, so you should feel proud of yourself for that! My mum impressed upon my sister and me that should we fall pg while under her roof she would have marched us straight to the drs for an abortion

Sadly I think this situation (that of a teen expecting a baby, not specifically your DD) is such that she will only learn by experience what a baby entails. I wonder if there are any teenage ante-natal support groups she could join, perhaps where she can meet other young mums to see the reality and hear their stories? You mentioned babies in your extended family, could she stay with them for a few days and help out?