Daughter getting married at 16

[lturner10]

My daughter has just informed me that her boyfriend proposed to her on her 16th birthday last weekend. They have known each other since primary school and started 'going out' when they were 14. My husband and I have been very supportive of their relationship and her boyfriend is very sweet and clearly cares a great deal for her. We were shocked by the news of their engagement as, whilst my daughter is probably much more mature than many of her peers, she is still very young. They will of course need parental consent to get married and my husband and I are compeltely at a loss with what to do. They have said they will have a low budget wedding and seem to be thinking very seriosuly about making it happen in the next year. Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone through the same thing? Does anyone know of any young people getting married so young and it turning out well?

Thanks,

Louisa

I'm with Greeny. I think that witholding consent would be disrespectful and would just make them think, 'she doesn't understand us'.

They sound really cute tbh. All these ol' cynics saying it definitely won't work out. How do you know? And is it really less likely to work out just because they're young.

They might still be together in the 80s for all we know and have only ever 'known' each other. I think that's really lovely.

I got married at 22 and we are about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.

it might work out, but you change SO much even between the ages of 16-20, and if they want to get married and they kow they want to spend the rest of their lives together now, then there's no rush and they can wait until they're 18!

oh and i dont know whethe this is reassurance or not but my DD from age 15 [she is 19 now] has been telling me of the latest couple to get engaged that she knows. none of those relationships lasted more than a year. and theres been a surprising amount. i think with some young couples who have been together a while, they get together, settle into coupledom, have sex, and then get bored with just being a couple, and feel that their relationship needs to be heading somewhere like marriage.

It's a phase, first love & all that.
Stall stall stall delaying tactics to the fore, OP!
Humour them & ask lots of questions (especially practical ones). Take an interest when they bring the subject up, but don't bring it up yourself. Find ways to subtly delay progress.
If the relationship is worth anything they will be fine to get hitched at 18.
But odds are they will break up within a year, then she will thank you for the stalling, we all know that.

Bloody hell.

I can't believe you'd even consider giving permission.
I think most people look back at the boyfriends they had at 16 and feel they had a lucky escape!

What's the rush to get married anyway? If they stay together then they can marry as adults. Your daughter may be mature for her age but she won't have the wisdom that comes with life experience. Do her a favour and tell her to wait until she's at least 18.

If you block it by withholding consent, they'll probobly hate you for it, and possibly bugger off somewhere else and do it anyway.

Blimey they won't be able to buy knives or a pair scissors for their home at 16!! You have to 18 for that.

Mind you I think nobody should get married under the age of 30 anyway!!!!

Well speaking as someone who was engaged at 16
I would recommend you not going against their wishes they're likely to run off to gretna green just to spite you.
Like lots of people have said you should just humour them and stall.
You have my sympathy though, I'm not sure how my Mum kept a straight face (but then I think she might have actually thought I was old enough)

Scots law still has no parental consent requirement. And the minimum age is 16.

She might do a Gretna Green.

My first cousin married at 16 because she was pregnant. He was 21.

Everyone said it wouldn't last.

She's 31 now, they're still happily married and have 4 kids.

So it's not automatic it won't work.

We live in a rural area where it's not unheard of for people to get engaged when they are 16. Most wait till they are 18 to marry, but some do when the girl is 17.

Don't really notice a higher divorce rate here than anywhere else.

Depends on the person, I guess.

My great grandmother was 16 (she lied and said she was 21) and her husband was 42 (he lied and said he was 36). They had 6 kids and were happily married. It's a long time ago, though, I know.

It took dh and I 14 months from going out with each other to getting married. I was 20 when we got married (19 when we got engaged) and he was 25. We celebrate our silver wedding anniversary next year.

However, I would not give my ds permission to marry at 16. Dh had been around the block, and I had enough experience to know what I wanted.

You could let them get engaged, but put the wedding off until A levels are done, and then hope that the thrill of choosing a Uni will work it's magic and they will drift apart.

I've been with my DH since being 15. We didn't get married until I was 24 but TBH we were 'married' from day one, togtehr everyday.

Some couples are meant to be, they may be one of them.

If you like himI dn't see the issue.

Support them, its all you can do without risking pushing them away.

A British person doesn't need permission to marry at 16.

He/she can legally come to Scotland, where the legal age to marry is 16 and there is still no parental consent requirement.

My first reaction to this was 'God, absolutely not, no way'. But then I look at my 15 year old DD and think what would I do ? My main concern would be the continuation of education for them both. Marrying so young and then potentially having children very young could get them caught in a trap of low level education, low wage jobs and a struggle in life along the way due to financial difficulties - all things that can put a strain on any marriage.

I would sit and talk about their future plans, education, work, where they will live, how they will support themselves, what they will do careerwise. If they think they are old enough to get married then they are also old enough to consider all the above and make sensible decisions and plans for their future lives. I would point out the pitfalls of marrying young and having children at a young age, and also discuss the advantages of the same.

A difficult situation to be in, but best reaction is to stay cal, sit down and talk - I'm sure once you point out the reality of marriage regarding paying rent getting a job, etc. they may change their minds and see it's not all romance and roses.

Good luck

You can't know if it will last.

A lot of people who get married so young split up.

Some make it.

They might make it, maybe they will be together until they die. Maybe they will get divorced in 5 years.

You can't know that.

Practically speaking, I would be sitting down to talk with both of them. What are their plans? How do they want the wedding to be financed? What will they do in terms of living arrangements? Do they want to live with a parent (not acceptable in my book)? Will one of them get a job? How will they pay the bills? Will they finish school/college? Do they want to have children?

Maybe they have thought it all out, but maybe they haven't thought of all the practicalities. I think that if they want the "romance" of getting married, then they need to consider the practical aspects as well.

If they have plans for all this, if they have thought it through, then I would support them and give permission.

Be aware that they could elope anyway, that if you arbitrarily remove support then you could drive them away and damage your relationship.

I was in a relationship at 17 and I wanted to marry him. If he would have asked, I would imagine that we would have been married. All I can say is that nothing but the power of hindsight will make them see that it is not right (IF indeed it is not).

Well, if we're telling anecdotes:

My mother and both my grandmothers all married at age 17, in two cases to boys/men they had dated for 3-4 years already.
Two of those marriages ended in divorce after 2-4 years (and the birth of 4 children); my other gran stuck with her husband for 60+ years even though he turned out to be a bully and serial adulturer.

Not exactly a litany of success!!

I met my DH the day before my 16th Birthday (He was 19) and fell in love within a few days, really. We both worked at the corner shop.

We became friends very quickly, and started spending time together outside of work. He wasn't interested in me at all at that point (and told me so ). I was fairly devastated.

But, the friendship continued, and finally, when I was 19, he decided that his feelings had changed. We dated for a year, were engaged for a year, then married when I was 22½.

8 years on (so almost 15 years after meeting & becoming friends) we are going strong. We have 3 children under 5, and one is disabled, but we're still smiling.

Personally I would do as previous mentioned, show interest when they raise the subject. But my condition would be if you do it now, although you have my moral support your on your own financially re wedding and setting up home afterwards.

Depending on whether before this she had talked of uni or not, I would say if you wait until 18/after uni (depending on what her education plans had been), then not only do you have my moral support, but I will help financally re wedding and deposit for home.

I also agree with Greensleeves, that there's no point in opposing this. However, I wonder how she perceives marriage? Is it all about the wedding?

I got engaged & married at 18 (was a disaster). My parents were horrified and never tried to dissuade me, tell me the disadvantages. OK, I prob wouldn't have listened, but it was a sort of rollercoaster, as someone has said, you go out, have sex, then what?

What I suggest is that you get someone else to talk to her, perhaps a (young) aunt, mum of her friend, to (subtly) ask about her plans & point out the drawbacks. Growing apart is something that she should be made to accept might happen.

But I don't see why they couldn't be married & still go to Uni etc., just that they would need an awfully high commitment to miss out on going out on the pull etc. This sort of thing needs to be pointed out to her - and him! But probably best coming from a friend rather than their parents.

BTW you sound as if you've handled a difficult situation very well (I mean the relationship) without alienating her. Well done!

Also - talk to his parents

I'd be enthusiastic about the idea but try to persuade them to hold off till they are 18 at least. Give them practical reasons and maybe a financial incentive? If you try to put them off they will most likely hot foot it to Gretna and do it anyway.

For what its worth I met my DH at 15 and married at 18. So 11 years and counting. It's not all doom and gloom!

How difficult for you! I agree with others that you can't really come out and say 'no way' even if it's what you think. I think you have to have an on-going talk about waiting till they're at least 18 and getting them both to discuss it right though ,in an interested rather than judgemental way, so they can see the pitfalls for themselves ie where will you live?, what will you live on? etc etc.
I have a DD of 15 and I know I would find this extremely difficult even though I met my DH at 17, we got married at 22 after uni and have been married for 25 years!
I absolutely disagree that young love cannot last - it often does...
They sound lovely, but naive. be very careful how you handle this. Good luck

I would agree with talking to them as adults about waiting until they are 18, because of the practical issues.

That said my cousin married at 18 (because she was pregnant). She is still happily married, with 3 kids and 6 grandchildren.

Her son's GF was 16 when they got married (she was also pregnant) and they now have 4 kids and are still going strong.

Not something I would generally recommend though. I met my ex when we were 18, we were together for 10 years (and a couple of kids) before splitting.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. BTW can your daughter cook/ clean/ budget?