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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Not going to school (year 11)

29 replies

MrsDarko · 28/04/2010 09:12

My daughter is 16 and has always tried to get off school when she can. On average her attendance since she started school at the age of 5 has hovered between 70 and 80%. I admit I was soft on her and didn't put up much of a fight in the earlier years because I honestly thought she would grow out of it.

Anyway since she started secondary her attendance has become much worse. She has full weeks off here and there and when I do make her go, she goes to to medical room and pleads illness until they send her home.

We have had a few letters about her attendance but more so since she started year 11 because obviously its GCSE and coursework etc.

Anyway since christmas she has constantly stopped off school. She'll go for the monday for instance and then have the rest of the week off or she'll go a couple of days and then plead illness. There is nothing wrong with her. She just can't be arsed to go. She's already way behind target for maths and english and is supposed to be attending catch up sessions but obviously when she misses school, she misses these too.

She has applied for college to do graphic design but everyone is telling me she won't get on the course with her poor attendance and her exam results will be crap because she's missing all the coursework. Even if she does get on it, will she be able to cope having to go every single day? someone said to me this morning that they think she will go for the first few weeks and then fall into old habits of stopping off every 5 minutes and then get chucked off the course.

Will it affect her college applications and exams etc? Has anyone any experience of 16 year olds refusing school?

(its not like she hanging around with mates instead, she has no friends and just stays in her room all day.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDarko · 28/04/2010 09:14

Just to add she did not go to school last week apart from the Monday and she has not been this week so far and doesn't intend to go for the rest of the week. We had a letter from school saying she is in the 65 worst attenders at the school.

OP posts:

Skegness · 28/04/2010 09:15

Yes, it is likely to affect everything, I'm afraid. I am ever stunned at how schools allow school refusers to fall thr4ough the net time and time again. Have you/your daughter had any professional help?

Skegness · 28/04/2010 09:15

Do you have no control over her?

Skegness · 28/04/2010 09:17

(not saying you should have control- my eldest are 11 so not been there- but am asking if you have any influence... Do you want her at school? What does she do when she's not at school?

Original poster

MrsDarko · 28/04/2010 09:17

She was seeing cahms a while ago to help her make friends and raise self esteem but it all faded away after a while. I don't know what I can do. I can't physically drag her into school and even if I did they send her room when she goes to the medical room. School do not help, they seem to encourage her.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDarko · 28/04/2010 09:18

When she's not at school she sits on her laptop all day in her room.

OP posts:

MissAnneElk · 28/04/2010 09:21

Yes, it will affect her chances of gaining a college place. Her exam results are likely to be disappointing and also the college will not be happy at her attendance record and may refuse her a place even if she gets the grades needed.

You say she just can't be arsed going. Is that really the case or is something else going on?

I'd sit down with her and explain that she is spoiling her chances of getting a place at college - although now that she is in year 11 and GCSE exams have already begun I do think you've left it a tad late. If she doesn't get a college place will you support her financially or will she work? She does realise that if she works, she needs to go, she can't just be not arsed.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit blunt, but I do think you've left it all just a bit late to worry about.

Skegness · 28/04/2010 09:24

Oh dear. It sounds like a very entrenched problem and I am not surprised you are so worried. How does she respond to firmness/ strict boundaries? Can you do those? Or is a fresh start an option? Maybe a state boarding school? Or could she go and live with a relative or close friend for a while to see if that breaks the cycle?

compo · 28/04/2010 09:25

Is she being bullied?
Could you take her laptop away and say sge can only have it back after a full day at school?
Do you work? Have you considered home educating?

Original poster

MrsDarko · 28/04/2010 09:25

I have spoken to her in depth before and she says "I do understand, from next week Ill change, I promise" and she'll go to school for a couple of weeks but then it starts again.

I know she hates school, she has no friends and it is not a good school (special measures and now they're pulling it down because its "too far gone to save" ) but I don't think she'd keep up with college either. She doesn't do anything. She has no hobbies, no clubs, no interests. If she could spend her life in her bedroom with curtains and door shut, she would.

I can't see her being able to keep a job either. She's incredibily lazy. Sometimes she starts in her pyjamas from Friday night until Monday morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDarko · 28/04/2010 09:27

I was considering moving her to another school but she leaves in June. I don't think any other school would take her on for the sake of 2 months. She has been bullied ever since she started school at the age of 5 but she says its all stopped now. She just doesn't like anyone.

OP posts:

MitchyInge · 28/04/2010 09:29

She sounds a bit depressed to me, the apathy and inability to think positively about her future. Could you contact CAMHS again to see what they think?

Are there any concerns about her behaviour, work and social side of school when she is present? It is worth talking to the head of year and asking them to check with each of her teachers to get as full a picture as possible of how she is when she's there.

Original poster

MrsDarko · 28/04/2010 09:34

We think she has aspergers syndrome. She has ALL the signs but cahms insisted that there is "Nothing wrong with her" which I don't believe, what normal 16 year old sits there talking to a teddy bear and treating it like it has feelings (she panics if anyone throws it for instance).
She has never had a friend.

OP posts:

maryz · 28/04/2010 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissAnneElk · 28/04/2010 09:36

I agree with MitchyInge that she certainly sounds depressed. Sitting around in pyjamas for days on end looking at her laptop is not normal behaviour and if she is depressed that is only likely to be making the situation worse.

I think her chances of changing schools once GCSEs have started are low. It is possible that if she manages to get some help that she could repeat year 11 at another school.

Can you contact your GP to get some counselling help for her?

Skegness · 28/04/2010 09:39

Agree with Mitchy- I would phone CAMHS again and tell them your daughter is in crisis. She has essentially given up, from what you say. Can you have a crisis meeting with the school too? Come up with some kind of plan which rewards her for attending and ensures that she is not sent to the medical room while there? I would also look to get her into a completely different environment for September- preferably out of your home. Have you got any nice relatives who could help?

maryz · 28/04/2010 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlartyBartFast · 28/04/2010 09:44

i cant believe the school has let this happen.
i worry about my ds with 85% attendance rate.
is there no link person or careers advisor?

Skegness · 28/04/2010 09:45

Is there a Mr Darko or partner Darko about? What does he or she think, if so?

SlartyBartFast · 28/04/2010 09:47

i know it is not long but could she possibly go to another shcool for the final term?

MitchyInge · 28/04/2010 09:52

This might be more discouraging than encouraging but my 17yo hasn't managed more than about 40% attendance for years, upper VIth now but this started in middle school. We are constantly reviewing and adapting her subjects around her problems, school are very very supportive and happy for her to work at her own pace at home. She's bright enough for it not to have affected her gcse results unduly and has good AS and A2 quals already, but if it wasn't important to her I'd think 'fuck it, do them later in life'. It's getting the balance between educational activity that is helpful and that which causes unbearable stress.

There are dozens of options, vocational courses, part time routes etc that will open up at 16. I like the suggestions above, about pursuing activities other than school for time being.

cory · 28/04/2010 10:16

Is there a school counsellor?

My 13yo has a rather complex situation with genuine health problems intervowen with school refusal and panic attackS, and the school counsellor has been absolute star. And she has got everybody else involved too; she is absolutely brilliant.

maryz · 28/04/2010 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/04/2010 13:36

Dammit OP there have been load of us on your other thread talking to oursleves

other thread

I don't intend to reiterate what I have said over there, but doubt that she is depressed/aspergers/whatever which causes the absence. It is probably due to the fact that she has had parentally approved absence since she was 5. You seem to have written her off.

WKMum · 28/04/2010 15:47

Mrs Darko,

I think lots of people are being rather harsh: it sounds as though you have been left to struggle with your DDs problems rather than the school and LA stepping in to help you.

IMHO, it sounds as though she would be better off leaving school after she has sat her exams (even if she's unlikely to get them, she may as well try) and getting a job - a new environment will provide her with the opportunity to meet new people, and could be just what she needs to pull her out of the negative place she is in right now.

Who knows, maybe after a couple of years of working, she might come to realize the value of education and go back to college to take some exams under her own initiative. Or may have a better idea of what it is she wants to achieve in life and will be able to pick the subjects that suit her. Maybe even a spell in a design studio as an intern would help focus her on what it is she wants to achieve.

It sounds as though you have tried your best to help her, but things just haven't worked out because you haven't really had the support you needed. Don't give up on her - or yourself: she's going to be OK in the end, I'm sure of it!

Hang in there and good luck!

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