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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

how do i tell dd we are moving to another area when she loves her friends here?

38 replies

snowkitten · 25/04/2010 16:51

I may have to relocate owing to a family tragedy (my dh passed away suddenly three weeks ago ). all our family live at the coast and I really want to relocate there as I have no one here apart from other school mums and one very good friend. ds is 3 so i would like to move before he starts school in sept 2011. dd goes to an excellent private school here and LOVES it and her friends passionately. has anyone got experience of how to broach the subject and soften the blow for her? she is going to object so strongly even though all her family who she loves to be with will be nearer to her if we move.

OP posts:
brimfull · 25/04/2010 16:57

so sorry for your loss snowkitten , it must be so hard coping wihtout your family at such a painfl time.
How is your dd coping with the loss , was your dh her father?

mumblechum · 25/04/2010 17:14

Very sorry for your loss.

My advice tbh would be not to make ANY big decisions, and certainly not relocating decisions when you must be in a state of shock.

If I were you I'd just keep things on an even keel for now, maybe review in six months time and if you feel the same way then, perhaps move then.

TBH friends are more important than family to teens, and depending on how old your dd is it may be more sensible to wait till a natural break, ie end of ~GCSEs or end of Alevels and move then.

Primary school moves, especially in the first few years are much much easier to handle.

Original poster
snowkitten · 25/04/2010 17:17

ggirl - yes it is pretty horrid. dd is coping well but obviously it is having an effect. things had been very difficult for a long time so there are many different feelings at the moment to deal with. dh is the father of my two lo's (unusual I know!). ds is not really aware though I have told him that daddy has died and even though he still loves him very much he cannot come back and see us.......... the prob is going to be dd. she will most definitely not want to move even though having her family close by will be a real pull for her. she loves them all and we frequently make trips to see them when we can. I just wondered if anyone had any advice as to how to break it to her when the time is right (not for a little while yet though)

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Original poster
snowkitten · 25/04/2010 18:20

mumble - I have to move before dd takes gcse's at ds starts school next sept and there are no good ones where we live and I cannot afford private for both children. I also cannot afford to move to a nicer area where we are. I have no family network where we live so cannot even attend parent's eves without hauling family up from the coast. It is a move I have to make within the next 12 months or so to get his name on primary school lists. I am not intending to do anything any time soon as I am finding it diff enough to cope with my dh's passing but I have to think along these lines and wanted advice as to how to put it to her or if anyone had experience of moving children at her age

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Original poster
snowkitten · 25/04/2010 19:51

please help!!

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noteventhebestdrummer · 25/04/2010 20:25

lots of private schools will help you with fees in this situation, please talk to them.

I would be very tempted to try and stay where you are, keep DD at her school to keep stability for her at a very difficult time, start DS at a local school (not so important to go private at age 5? send him at 10 when DD is finished?)

I know it's not what you asked, but I think it's worth considering.

brimfull · 25/04/2010 20:28

wel if it has to be then I guess the key is giving her time to prepeare for the move

I have no experience but hope someone comes along who can be more useful

Earlybird · 25/04/2010 20:31

Does your dd have any friends in the town where you propose to relocate? Any cousins, etc that might help her settle?

How far is the new location from where you are now?

Sorry for your loss, btw. And fwiw, please see if the NHS might offer some counselling to you/your dd to help process what has happened. I've followed your story enough to know that it was/is a very emotionally difficult situation.

LadyLapsang · 25/04/2010 21:33

So sorry for your loss. Not sure what age your DD is but I would certainly talk to the school about your situation, depending on your finances they may be able to help; I know over 30% of children at my DS's school do received help. I would echo what others say, don't be in a hurry to move while you are newly bereaved.

Fruitysunshine · 25/04/2010 21:56

Snowkitten, I am so sorry for your loss, you must be in a very difficult place right now.

I think you initially need to canvass your daughter's opinion on relocation. Having a conversation, leading it round in that direction and just popping in there "how would you feel about moving closer to (pop in names of family)?".

In whatever way she responds just accept it as part of the conversation and play it down, taking good notice of her reaction and then give it consideration. Only when you have that information will you know how to play it from that point onwards.

Original poster
snowkitten · 26/04/2010 15:02

all our cousins are there. My sister and family is there. My mum is there. No one is here.

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TheBossofMe · 26/04/2010 15:10

Oh snowkitten - I'm so sorry for your loss. How old is your DD? I don't really have any advice except to say that she may well feel that she is losing her links to her DF through the move, so when you talk to her about it, you may want to have a plan about going to special places where she spent time with her father and taking pics, leaving little notes, just stuff to help her through it. Could one of your family come and stay with you for a bit?

Original poster
snowkitten · 26/04/2010 22:29

TbM - dd is 12. I am not doing anything anytime soon. but his house if full of memories - lots of good but many bad. She and dh had a very tough time recently as he was an alcoholic and she witnessed some things that a 11/12 yera old should not even be aware of at that age. Her feelings are mixed but she is very very very sad at daddy's passing, as am i - despite my difficult time. I have no family near me. I need my family, so does she. I know she neds friends too but she will not be able to go out with friends if no one can collect her. If we move, there will be childcare on hand from numerous family members. It is hard to deal iwth dh's death but life will be made easier if we can eventually move.

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Original poster
snowkitten · 26/04/2010 22:31

sorry - I meant "but This house" not but "his house"

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Original poster
snowkitten · 26/04/2010 22:32

sorry - i am not being clear but things are incredibly difficult right now.

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Monty100 · 26/04/2010 22:37

Snowkitten, I'm very sorry for your loss. This must be very tough for all of you.

How far away is the 'coast' from where you are now? Could you promise dd could have friends for weekends and vice versa after the move?

PickUpYourPants · 26/04/2010 23:08

Snowkitten, I too am very sorry for your loss and from you posts I can see that you are in a bad way.

I feel that you should do what is best for you and if this is to move to where your family network is then this is what you should do.

I appreciate that it will be difficult for your daughter initially however you need to look at the longer term benefits.

mummytime · 27/04/2010 03:04

Why don't you go to visit your relatives for a weekend? Then while you're there and she is having a good time, just casually ask if she would mind living there all the time?
Also do you work? If you could find a job near your relatives that might help. I haven't moved myself, but my Neices had to, (their father is a Minister), and although at least once it was hard they coped.
Good luck!

noteventhebestdrummer · 27/04/2010 07:23

That does sounds so, so hard.

Can your daughter have something new at your new home that is special for her? It's helped my 12 year old to cope with serious sh** in our lives since we got a dog...even a tiny pet like a hamster would give her a focus and something new to love.

It does sound like YOU need to move and you are so important for your kids now, your needs are priority really. Even though leaving friends will be hard for your daughter it is so you can all have a positive, strong, supported new start isn't it?

Hugs.

TheBossofMe · 27/04/2010 07:39

Ok, snowkitten, so she's old enough to understand rationale at least. I think you need to do a few things:

  1. Sit her down and talk to her sooner rather than later about what your thoughts are. Get her POV on things, but make it clear to her that you love her very much, think that its the best thing for both of you, not just for you, if you move to an area with fewer unhappy memories and with a stronger family support network, plus the situation re schooling
  1. Give her a timeframe for when you are going to make a final decision, and when you reach that decision, give her a timeframe for the move so that she has time to plan things out and do everything she needs to do before the move.
  1. Get a plan into place about how to capture the best times from your current home - yes, there may be some unhappy ones, but there will also probably be some great ones for your DD, and it will be important to her to have memories, records etc
  1. Find ways to get her involved in where you are going. Visits to schools? Help choosing a house? Decorating her new bedroom?
  1. Get her to organise things to commemorate her leaving - leaving party etc
  1. And also get her to do some stuff that makes it clear she isn't leaving her friends behind and that they are welcome to be part of her new life. Key will probably be fixing some visits to friends and vice versa with dates in the diary for before the move. What about getting her to create her own blog or website where she can share stuff with friends? Does she already use social networking sites?

Be prepared for her to be very very unhappy for a while, but she will adapt, and this is one of those times where you have to be her Mum rather than her friend, and do what's best for the family.

I hope this helps - I moved around all the time as a child and teenager, so some of this comes from experience, the rest just some wild guessing about what might help!

Original poster
snowkitten · 27/04/2010 22:27

we got there a lot. She knows she would love it. She has a best friend a little way further up the coast in Eastbourne (I am considering Worthing) who moved when she was in Year 5. We alwayts have heaps of fun when we go and stay with my Mum. Her cousins take her out and she has baby cousins too so there is always a big pull for us ti visit. Just that a permanent move is a much bigger leap for her. And I am worried. I hav to do it in the next 12 months to get ds's name down for school. I would like him to join the school with his cousins

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tabouleh · 28/04/2010 10:31

snowkitten I moved about 350 miles from one end of the country to another when I was 12.5.

I was aware from a young age that with my DFs job moving might be a possibility.

I never wanted to move - I used to talk about not wanting to move.

I don't think it can be your DDs choice - therefore I would not recommend that you ask her - tbh what 12 year old who is happy in their school would say - yes great idea let's move.

You have very very good reasons for moving - the family support will be invaluable to you.

I think that you need to take the decision to move and then once you have you take stress and uncertainty away from your DD.

It will be so much easier with mobiles/internet for your DD to keep in touch with her friends. My best friend and I started off writing weekly - not too many phone calls as these were deemed too expensive!

I think you should look at planning how your DD can keep in touch - negotiate internet time, texting allowance - agree to have friends to stay once every 2 months or something?

Your DD will make new friends and keep some of the old ones - she will be at an advantage in the future when it comes to college/uni or starting a first job.

I survived my move and have wonderful memories of both places I lived in as a child.

Condolences to you and your family BTW.

Original poster
snowkitten · 28/04/2010 15:59

taboleh - thank you. it is very useful to have advice from someone who has had to make a move at that age. I cannot see a way round it tbh. If I stay here i will have no freedom of my own as all my friends hav migrated to the coast over the years and we are the only ones of our 'older' friends who are still here. She has of course made tonnes of new friends at senior school but I have no long standing friends other than school mums and mother and toddler mums. Not enough for me to stay for really. I do feel that it will the the right thing for the right reasons.

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Original poster
snowkitten · 28/04/2010 16:00

just to say, we already have a cat and two kittens so no more pets! Also, it is only about 45 miles away so not too far - only 1 and quarter hrs on motorway.

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Greenshadow · 28/04/2010 16:15

Moving a teen/pre-teen is never easy, whatever the circumstances.
We moved DS1 away from a lovely set of friends when he was 13 and I'm afraid he did have a hard time of it.
The school he joined weren't very helpful to start with and as he is shy, he did find it hard to make frineds. It took a year or so, but eventually he found a nice group of friends and now has an incredible social life and doesn't look back.
She will adjust. It will be hard on both of you (you can't help but feel guilty) but it will work in the end and long term does sound like the most sensible thing to do.

Would agree with everything Taboleh says - a very sensible post.