how do i tell dd we are moving to another area when she loves her friends here?

[snowkitten]

I may have to relocate owing to a family tragedy (my dh passed away suddenly three weeks ago ). all our family live at the coast and I really want to relocate there as I have no one here apart from other school mums and one very good friend. ds is 3 so i would like to move before he starts school in sept 2011. dd goes to an excellent private school here and LOVES it and her friends passionately. has anyone got experience of how to broach the subject and soften the blow for her? she is going to object so strongly even though all her family who she loves to be with will be nearer to her if we move.

[Tortington]

hi smowkitten. i live in worthing. sorry for your loss.

we have great brighton MN meet ups where we get pissed drink a little wine -- so be sure to look us up.

also, if ever you want a chat or owt - just CAT me.

[maggotts]

snowkitten

I moved school at 12 (Year 8) as parents moved 150 miles away from city to country and away from cousins etc. Desperately didn't want to go and sobbed and begged not to.

BUT it was completely and utterly fine and I was actually much happier at the new school. 12 is still very young. She will have many many years at her new school to make new friends and she will have family there for her when she needs them as well.

Also my first DH died when I was 24 so I know exactly how you feel about being close to family. Your DD will be having a hard time right now but so will you and you really need all the family support you can get. You will be more help to your DD if you have your own help there for you.

I wish you much future happiness for you and your DC in your fresh start.

[alittlebitshy]

Snowkitten I grew up in worthing and all my family are there. I have always wondered if i would go back there if something happened to dh and it was just me and the dc.

There a lot worse places to move to - in fact i often think that it would lovely to be back there with the dc, and i liked growing up there.

your poor dd. she probably just feels like everything she knows has been changed. Give her some time. Maybe once you go and start house hunting/looking at schools she will get a more permanent sense of excitement.

my feeling though is that YOU need to make the decisions. you are the parent and you need to do what you need to do to cope with parenting.

[snowkitten]

I have told dd.... her reactin was what I would have expected. Immediately horrified, she ran off im a shopping centre with her 7 year old cousing. I had no idea where they were and had to search teh area to find them. I found her and read her the riot act! When we had calmed down I told her why and she was calmer and almost excited about it. Said she could help choose house, hvae biggest bedroom, have friends stay over etc etc. She swings from being interested/excited to defiant and telling me she IS NOT MOVING NO MATTER WHAT. All pretty predictable I guess. Difficult though.

[Monty100]

Snow - thanks for taking the time to post. What a lovely memory to have of dh. Him laughing. There will be days I'm sure that take you back to the start. I'm so sorry.

Have you seen much of your family? It's good that things take time in these circumstances.

Thinking of you.

[snowkitten]

Monty - not doing all that great. Sometimes I feel fine others, like today, I would do anything to hear dh laughing. He used to get quite hysterical laughing at ridiculous things. I wish I could hear that now.... I hvae not spoken to dd yet. I am visiting a school on Friday and have had house valued, also lookig for properties etc on internet. I have not got any finances sorted yet as it has gone to Probate cos of no will. So am having to wait on that whch is probably a good thing as I don;t want ot be hasty. I will tell her when I feel ready, not too long frm now.

[Monty100]

Snow - how are you doing? Have you spoken to dd yet?

[snowkitten]

podsquash = that sounds great. Thanks.xx

[podsquash]

Hi snowkitten - I've followed your story on other threads. Hope you are doing ok - you have a lot going on. To me it sounds smart to be thinking of moving nearer your family/ Everyone I know who is a single parent near their family relies on them no end. It is smart to be trying to work out how to manage it all. I have a book called 'Moving with Kids' which I'd be happy to post you if you do decide to move. The main thing (from someone who moved umpteen times as a military child) is to let her be sad. You know it is the best thing (if you do decide to move) but she doesn't have to like it. Talk about it over and over again and let her cry and storm about it (within whatever appropriate boundaries there are). Talk about visiting her friends again after you've all settled down for a bit. LEtters, email, phone calls etc will help her to keep in touch. But if you know it is best then keep firm. Anyway, happy to post this book if you want.

[snowkitten]

the more i look at this the more it is totally the right thing to do. i can kepe her in private school there and do my son a great justice by getting him into a great primary where his cousins go who he simply adores. Just gotta find a way to tell dd

[Slambang]

Hi SK - so sorry and shocked. I remember some of your previous threads. It must be such a confusing time for all of you.
I agree with what everyone says - moving wont be easy for dd but it will be for the best for all of you.
So... IMHO the sooner you make the move the better. DD is still only 12 so she will make new friends in her new school. I know my ds (13) has several new friends (boys and girls)who arrived at his school during this school year who are now completely integrated into the teen social whirl and it has been quickly forgotten that they weren't there last year. I do think the older dd gets the tougher it will be.

My advice is talk through the whole thing with her as soon as possible to let her get used to the idea but make it clear it's non negotiable. Tears and tantrums will not make you change your mind. Then give her as much control as you can over any elements she can affect. (Can she look round possible schools this term and have a choice? Can she have a say in where you move to or the house you choose?) And make definite plans that she believes in about coming back to visit. Perhaps you could have a quiet word with a friend's mum so she can have an invitation to stay lined up when you tell her about the move.

Good luck and much sympathy.

[exexpat]

snowkitten, I was in a similar position a few years ago when my DH died. We had been living overseas for more than a decade, and I had to make the difficult decision to move back to the UK with two children, both born abroad. They were then 8 and 4. It was a huge wrench for all of us (obviously on top of all the emotions around losing DH very suddenly), but it was definitely the right decision - I moved back to be near my family, and it was a big help in both practical and emotional ways, and the children have coped with it all much better than I expected (so far, at least).

Obviously my two were younger, so friendships, school etc not so established. They do miss their friends, but we go back to our old country once a year, and DS (now secondary age) keeps in touch with them all by email/facebook. Your DD is old enough already to keep in touch with close friends, and if you are only going to be moving an hour or so away, it should be possible for her to go back for weekends?

No time to write much now, but you have my sympathies...

[dustycups]

sorry for loss snowkitten!!

yes she prob will object to moving, as at that age your friends r everything.

i moved alot as a child and hated it and are final move was when i was 14 and it ruined my life!(still feeling affects from it 10years on) but mainly because it was so far of a move! but you say your not moving very far so she could still see her friends!

make sure you talk to her about it, dont just spring it on her! maybe let her have a leaving party etc before you go!!!

[Greenshadow]

Moving a teen/pre-teen is never easy, whatever the circumstances.
We moved DS1 away from a lovely set of friends when he was 13 and I'm afraid he did have a hard time of it.
The school he joined weren't very helpful to start with and as he is shy, he did find it hard to make frineds. It took a year or so, but eventually he found a nice group of friends and now has an incredible social life and doesn't look back.
She will adjust. It will be hard on both of you (you can't help but feel guilty) but it will work in the end and long term does sound like the most sensible thing to do.

Would agree with everything Taboleh says - a very sensible post.

[snowkitten]

just to say, we already have a cat and two kittens so no more pets! Also, it is only about 45 miles away so not too far - only 1 and quarter hrs on motorway.

[snowkitten]

taboleh - thank you. it is very useful to have advice from someone who has had to make a move at that age. I cannot see a way round it tbh. If I stay here i will have no freedom of my own as all my friends hav migrated to the coast over the years and we are the only ones of our 'older' friends who are still here. She has of course made tonnes of new friends at senior school but I have no long standing friends other than school mums and mother and toddler mums. Not enough for me to stay for really. I do feel that it will the the right thing for the right reasons.

[tabouleh]

snowkitten I moved about 350 miles from one end of the country to another when I was 12.5.

I was aware from a young age that with my DFs job moving might be a possibility.

I never wanted to move - I used to talk about not wanting to move.

I don't think it can be your DDs choice - therefore I would not recommend that you ask her - tbh what 12 year old who is happy in their school would say - yes great idea let's move.

You have very very good reasons for moving - the family support will be invaluable to you.

I think that you need to take the decision to move and then once you have you take stress and uncertainty away from your DD.

It will be so much easier with mobiles/internet for your DD to keep in touch with her friends. My best friend and I started off writing weekly - not too many phone calls as these were deemed too expensive!

I think you should look at planning how your DD can keep in touch - negotiate internet time, texting allowance - agree to have friends to stay once every 2 months or something?

Your DD will make new friends and keep some of the old ones - she will be at an advantage in the future when it comes to college/uni or starting a first job.

I survived my move and have wonderful memories of both places I lived in as a child.

Condolences to you and your family BTW.

[snowkitten]

we got there a lot. She knows she would love it. She has a best friend a little way further up the coast in Eastbourne (I am considering Worthing) who moved when she was in Year 5. We alwayts have heaps of fun when we go and stay with my Mum. Her cousins take her out and she has baby cousins too so there is always a big pull for us ti visit. Just that a permanent move is a much bigger leap for her. And I am worried. I hav to do it in the next 12 months to get ds's name down for school. I would like him to join the school with his cousins

[TheBossofMe]

Ok, snowkitten, so she's old enough to understand rationale at least. I think you need to do a few things:

1. Sit her down and talk to her sooner rather than later about what your thoughts are. Get her POV on things, but make it clear to her that you love her very much, think that its the best thing for both of you, not just for you, if you move to an area with fewer unhappy memories and with a stronger family support network, plus the situation re schooling

1. Give her a timeframe for when you are going to make a final decision, and when you reach that decision, give her a timeframe for the move so that she has time to plan things out and do everything she needs to do before the move.

1. Get a plan into place about how to capture the best times from your current home - yes, there may be some unhappy ones, but there will also probably be some great ones for your DD, and it will be important to her to have memories, records etc

1. Find ways to get her involved in where you are going. Visits to schools? Help choosing a house? Decorating her new bedroom?

1. Get her to organise things to commemorate her leaving - leaving party etc

1. And also get her to do some stuff that makes it clear she isn't leaving her friends behind and that they are welcome to be part of her new life. Key will probably be fixing some visits to friends and vice versa with dates in the diary for before the move. What about getting her to create her own blog or website where she can share stuff with friends? Does she already use social networking sites?

Be prepared for her to be very very unhappy for a while, but she will adapt, and this is one of those times where you have to be her Mum rather than her friend, and do what's best for the family.

I hope this helps - I moved around all the time as a child and teenager, so some of this comes from experience, the rest just some wild guessing about what might help!

[noteventhebestdrummer]

That does sounds so, so hard.

Can your daughter have something new at your new home that is special for her? It's helped my 12 year old to cope with serious sh** in our lives since we got a dog...even a tiny pet like a hamster would give her a focus and something new to love.

It does sound like YOU need to move and you are so important for your kids now, your needs are priority really. Even though leaving friends will be hard for your daughter it is so you can all have a positive, strong, supported new start isn't it?

Hugs.

[mummytime]

Why don't you go to visit your relatives for a weekend? Then while you're there and she is having a good time, just casually ask if she would mind living there all the time?
Also do you work? If you could find a job near your relatives that might help. I haven't moved myself, but my Neices had to, (their father is a Minister), and although at least once it was hard they coped.
Good luck!

[PickUpYourPants]

Snowkitten, I too am very sorry for your loss and from you posts I can see that you are in a bad way.

I feel that you should do what is best for you and if this is to move to where your family network is then this is what you should do.

I appreciate that it will be difficult for your daughter initially however you need to look at the longer term benefits.

[Monty100]

Snowkitten, I'm very sorry for your loss. This must be very tough for all of you.

How far away is the 'coast' from where you are now? Could you promise dd could have friends for weekends and vice versa after the move?

[snowkitten]

sorry - i am not being clear but things are incredibly difficult right now.

[snowkitten]

sorry - I meant "but This house" not but "his house"