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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

help with periods

27 replies

rhksmum · 19/04/2010 12:44

My daughter is 12 and started her periods in January.
Its been an on going battle with her, she wont tell me when she has them, wont use towels, wont use anything, she would rather sit in it.
It seems to be a constant battle just now with her. I'm having to throw her underwear in the bin everytime she has a period as they are un washable.
She had dancing on Saturday and her leotard is stained, but she doesn't seem to care about other people seeing it.
School link worker has spoke to her and she says its because she knows it gets to me, thats why she wont wear a towel.
I've tried ignoring it, but that only lasts so long because it smells and I'm tired of her clothes being ruined.

I'm at my wits end,
Can anyone suggest anything else I can try?

Thanks

OP posts:

said · 19/04/2010 12:48

Has she said why she won't use towels?

Original poster

rhksmum · 19/04/2010 13:05

No, she hasn't said anything, just tells me to shut up, go away.
She does have some behaviour issues but I cant understand how anyone would want to do this.

She knows the towels are kept in the bathroom next to the toilet, I even took her with me when we bought them, to try make her part of it.
I wonder if its because its me asking her to use them and shes very defient(sp) of anything I ask her to do.
I dont know

OP posts:

Monty100 · 20/04/2010 13:59

Rhk - that's a bit of strange one. Does she realise she's not just upsetting you, or that this behaviour is rather anti-social and very unhygenic? Does she have friends that could point this out to her as this might work instead of it coming from you?

Original poster

rhksmum · 20/04/2010 14:28

She doesn't seem to care at all,
The social worker has spoke to her and the home link worker from school has spoke to her about it, but its like she sticks her fingers in her ears and goes lalalalala.
The only thing that she will say to home link worker is that she knows it gets to me if she doesn't use them

I've tried ignoring it, but its so hard to. I've tried making a fuss, letting her pick what pads she wants, everything but it doesn't make any difference.

Her hygiene is pretty bad at the best of times, always has an excuse as to why she cant clean her teeth, or go in the bath or wash her hair.

I'm losing the plot with her, she starts high school in August and shes gonna get called all sorts of names if she continues this way

OP posts:

Monty100 · 20/04/2010 22:08

Rhk - I'm lost for words. I don't get it at all.

Anyone else?

(bump for the 'night' crowd)

Original poster

rhksmum · 20/04/2010 22:18

I dont either,

I was hoping that someone here may have some idea on what to do/try next

OP posts:

Monty100 · 20/04/2010 22:21

The thing is, it must be actually very unpleasant for her let alone anyone else.

Am baffled.

Does she have girlfriends??

shallishanti · 20/04/2010 22:21

is she the only one in her friendship group who has started?
maybe she doesn't want to be the only one/maybe she doesn't feel ready to grow up?

Monty100 · 20/04/2010 22:23

Shall, yes, but in which case, you'd think rhk's dd would try and hide it.

SlartyBartFast · 20/04/2010 22:24

do you have a school nurse?
or are they enough professionals involved?

GypsyMoth · 20/04/2010 22:24

just read this out to my own dd who is 13 and started her period few months back (hope you dont mind?)

she says what do her friends make of it?

GypsyMoth · 20/04/2010 22:25

sorry,meant to add,could her best friend say something?

SugarSkyHigh · 20/04/2010 22:26

could this be a kind of attention seeking thing? I Dont know. I have a 13 yr old DD who is not as bad as this but even so, doesnt think twice about chucking used towels in her waste paper basket in her bedroom, un-wrapped up, or leaving stained underwear, bathrobe etc. around the place. I have had words with her a few times and she seems to get v. embarrassed but it doesn't make much difference. Perhaps just in some kind of denial??

Sazisi · 20/04/2010 22:28

It's probably not the issue, but could you offer her alternative sanitary products?
It might be worth a try
I know it's not the norm, but I started out with tampons (I started periods when my mum was away and my older friend gave me them) and never liked towels. My mum later tried to get me to use "ST's" as she called them but I found them awful.

shallishanti · 20/04/2010 22:28

It's difficult because I guess any hint of 'talking about her behind her back' would make it worse. Is there a potential older sister figure (eg young aunt? cousin)who could casually talk about it ....I'm thinking 'yeah it's a faff at first but no big deal...'

shallishanti · 20/04/2010 22:30

I agree with Sugar, it seems like denial

Original poster

rhksmum · 20/04/2010 22:42

Thanks everyone

She says 1 of her friends has started her period, when I asked her does she do the same she wont answer,
The school nurse spoke to her last year about her hygiene but it just seems to go over her head.
The social worker seems to think its because she knows it all gets to me, so she uses this.

She has a half sister who is slightly older than her but she hasn't seen her for months and she stays quite a bit away, so talking to her isn't really an option.

I'll try leaving a box of tampons in the bathroom for her for next time to see if that makes a difference.

I just really worry for her about all this, I dont want her bullied because she smells and that looks likely if things continue

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/04/2010 22:51

could she just be acutely embarrassed?

i think i would now be asking for a referral to a psychologist. thats not as scary as it sounds. but you have to get to the bottom of what the issue is.

SugarSkyHigh · 20/04/2010 22:56

you can always go along to your Gp on your own and discuss it, then maybe go back again with your DD. GP could even chat to DD without you there, if it makes it easier for your DD. Then you could catch up with the GP later. This all does depend however on having a nice GP! But we do have a nice GP, and she talked to my DD about possibly having counselling and how it might help her (without me being there). Sorry, hope this makes sense!

Original poster

rhksmum · 20/04/2010 23:04

She has been seeing a counsellor from Children 1st since the start of the year, mainly due to her behaviour but they are on a break just now while they wait for the new worker to start.

She was refered to CAMHS last year and had 1 session where they decided that she didn't fit the criteria for their service.

She had the talk about periods last year in P6 and didn't seem bothered by it at all, which is why I'm struggling with her reaction to it all now.

I'll phone the home link worker again tomorrow to see if she can try and bring it up in conversation with her when they have their sessions or if she can suggest anything else that I can try

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/04/2010 23:19

i would go to your GP, and ask for a referral to a child psychologist. she needs to be assessed, perhaps more than counselled.

in what way is her behaviour bad? have you actually seen a psychologist? seems there is more to this than just the periods if she is already seeing other professionals.

my son has asperger syndrome. have you ruled out any underlying conditions?

Original poster

rhksmum · 20/04/2010 23:37

She has anger issues, mainly directed at me.
She has been hitting me since she was 9, we have had numerous workers from social work come in and try and help but it doesn't change what shes doing. Last year the police became involved because it got so bad but she just laughed at them

The psychologist from CAMHS said she didn't have any underlying conditions, mainly because she only shows this behaviour towards myself. She has hurt her brothers but they just hit her back now, whereas I cant.

I think the periods are just another thing for her to hold me to ransom with, it started with the washing and now she has this.

The GP will only do a referal back to CAMHS and then they will refuse to see her again, and the cycle continues.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 20/04/2010 23:39

the camhs team are often quite restritive in who they see nowadays i think

i think you could try again via the school. or just ignore it. that might help

cory · 21/04/2010 11:05

From what you are telling us, it does sound like this is less about the actual periods and more about her anger issues.

Have you any idea why she is angry with you? Does she have general anger issues and only feels safe taking them out on you? Or is there a specific problem that she somehow (however unfair it may seem) holds you responsible for?

Can you get any help from the school? The way I got CAHMS involved (for quite different set of problems) was through the school counsellor: I rang up the school, spoke to her direct (was very upset) and it all went from there.

Original poster

rhksmum · 21/04/2010 11:57

Cory you could be right about it being more ablout the anger issues and not about the periods, its the same with anything I ask her to do, or suggest.
I spoke to the Homelink worker from school today and she will speak to her next week when she sees her. She is of the same opinion that because I'm asking her to use them she wont.

I think the anger has built up over the years to the point that now she doesn't know any other way to deal with theings. Shes fine at school but she's a 'people pleaser' she will tell everyone what she thinks they want to hear.

Everyone tells me she will grow out of it, as she gets older she will learn new ways of dealing with things.
She hasn't hit me since February, which for her is good, although I do have a hole in my living room door where she kicked it, but I know its just a matter of time before she does it again, especially if I continue to push her about her periods.
I have tried ignoring it but its disgusting, and I'm struggling with it

OP posts:

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