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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage DD Riding Pillion on Boyfriend's Motorbike

61 replies

Evenstar · 21/03/2010 23:09

My DD's boyfriend has taken her out on his motorbike for the first time today, he is very sensible, has passed his test and has had proper training. However as the daughter of an A & E nurse and a father who worked in the funeral trade I am painfully aware of the number of fatal motorbike accidents and in particular how pillion riders often come off worst. In addition I was widowed suddenly 20 months ago, and a policeman came to my door with the news of my husband's death, I know now that if my DD is out on the motorbike I will be waiting for that ring on the doorbell. I have told her how unhappy I am, and even told her the tragic story of a girl I knew in 6th form who died as a pillion passenger on a close friend's bike. Am I being unreasonable or overprotective as DD seems to believe? I have asked her to make it clear to her boyfriend that I am unhappy about her riding pillion, and said to her that each time she does it, it will be against my wishes. There is really nothing more I can do is there? She is nearly 18, I would just like some opinions and/or strategies for dealing with this difficult situation.

OP posts:
shelleylou · 22/03/2010 00:38

thank you. Was sooooooo much harder typing that than i had anticipated got myself upset but if it will help someone see the bigger picture it is worth it. Currently arranging a charity night in his memory

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 00:41

you and me both evenstar. I hope it helps make them both think riding with a passenger is so different to solo. I've been told this by experienced bikers too but even without that its simple physics lol

Original poster
Evenstar · 22/03/2010 00:44

Yes and that link you gave me provided a lot of insight into that, thank you so much for your help.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 22/03/2010 00:44

perhaps taking her to Italy, especially teh smaller areas, might deter her? WHen we went to Ischia, we saw quite a few teens, mostly girls, missing legs. There are lots of roadside shrines to dead motorcyclists, mostly moped riders. Similar in Greek Islands.

Riding without proper protective gear on is nuts - one fall, even if not fatal and she could be scarred for life, if not lose limbs. Your DD is living the "I'm invincible" teen dream if she thinks none of this is a possibility and is even being a bit cruel to you since you lost your DH suddenly.

You are being quite restrained, I think - certainly not overprotective or neurotic! The biggest thing that new motorbike users seem to forget is that it doesn't matter how careful they are - it's other drivers who are a massive danger to them and they have no control over that.

I hope she sees sense and refuses to go on the bike again, at least until she has the proper leathers, if not ever.

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 00:48

if you search for compulsory bike training or license for carrying a pillion passenger loads of sites come up. Its no problem. If its one thing i can do after all this its to make sure people are fully aware of the dangers etc.

Original poster
Evenstar · 22/03/2010 00:49

I have been to Crete and seen those roadside shrines, I suppose young people only see the excitement and not the danger.

OP posts:
shelleylou · 22/03/2010 00:55

Just thought look out for a memorial around the UK. Its a black background with a red flower (cant remember the type) and remember me on it. Its a rememberance plaque that a Uk charity hand out if requested

paisleyleaf · 22/03/2010 00:56

My friend came off her moped at only about 20mph (wearing tracksuit trousers) and her legs were really badly ripped just at that speed.
Leathers are a must.

solo · 22/03/2010 00:57

Shellylou

OP, I'm a biker of 29 years. I have taken my Ds on my bike since he was 3.6 but I have to say that I would not want him to ride on the back of anyone elses bike.

Not sure what your budget is or your Dd's size, but I have a set of leathers which I've worn the trousers twice and the jacket half a dozen times(they zip together). The cost new was just shy of £600. I don't want that for them, but am open to sensible offers. If you want to CAT me, feel free.

Original poster
Evenstar · 22/03/2010 00:58

Thanks, I hope you will be able to sleep now and this hasn't upset you too much, I am going off to try as I have work in the morning. I will try and update when I have spoken to DD again and looked into the insurance etc. Thank you again.

OP posts:
shelleylou · 22/03/2010 01:01

thanks solo.

You saying about ur ds has made me gasp lol. My db was really looking forward to teaching ds about bikes and taking him on it when he was a lot older hehe.

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 01:03

Dont worry about me sleeping. I dont anyway lol

solo · 22/03/2010 01:04

I know! I'm sure most people disapprove, but we enjoy it ~ not that it's possible since Dd! and the bike is SORNed anyway atm.

thumbwitch · 22/03/2010 01:07

shelleylou, you are a brave woman to have managed to write that post. I hope you are coming to terms with what has happened, as I know you'll never "get over" it.
((hugs)) to you.

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 01:07

no just gasp cos thats what my db wanted to do wgen ds was older. DS was 2.11

BertieBotts · 22/03/2010 01:11

I have heard on our local radio that the police in our area run free courses at this time of year on motorcycle safety, it covers all subjects including how to get the most out of your bike (apparently) - might be worth contacting your local police station to see if there is anything similar near you. I think the course is called Take Control.

Could you try and put it across to her that you don't want to stop her doing this completely and you respect that it is her choice, but you worry about her, and discuss ways that she could help you worry less, ie wearing proper safety gear is one big thing, and maybe she could go with her boyfriend to talk to an experienced biker, perhaps a police officer? Whether there is a safety course in your area or not I am sure that a police officer would be happy to talk to them about bike safety if they go in, without you there so you don't seem like a chaperone (mavbe even make it sound like her idea!)

I just remember myself as an 18 year old and I did think I was invincible to some extent and probably felt that my mum didn't understand things (oh the infinite wisdom of teenagers ) but what did bother me was the thought that I might end up hurting her through my actions. It didn't stop me doing stupid and dangerous things and not telling her, but I did reach a point of understanding at one point within myself that if I was doing something that she'd be gutted if she found out about then maybe I should think about why she might be upset by it in the first place.

jasper · 22/03/2010 01:11

Evenstar I completely understand your concerns.

But please remember the vast majority of people who ride bikes/pillion do NOT suffer serious injury at any point.

I have been riding motorcycles for many years, carefully, and been a pillion passenger for 1000s of miles and have never been involved in an accident.

solo · 22/03/2010 01:13

Ah, I see! I wouldn't have been happy with him doing that as a relatively inexperienced rider tbh.
I had been riding for 21+ years at the time I took Ds out.

I am very sorry for your loss shellylou. Life is very fragile isn't it and often unpredictable...

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 01:14

thanks thumbwitch i dont feel brave however all over the place is more of an apt description. I'm not coming to terms with it there is still so much i dont know but i need to know. This thread and securing a venue for the cahrity event has spurred me on to put the eulogy etc in his memory book.

solo · 22/03/2010 01:15

BB, some of those courses are called Bike Safe. I did one nearly 2 years ago just for something to do that was on my bike really and it was great; well worth doing and I think every biker should do them.

solo · 22/03/2010 01:17

Jasper! I liked you before, but I likee you even more now

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 01:19

he knew he could when ds was older but with ds being very fidgety... he never sits still lol i didnt think it was the best idea even though i know db would never have done anything to put ds in danger he loved ds as much as i do

jasper · 22/03/2010 01:22

solo
oh and have a !

Kitkatqueen · 22/03/2010 01:23

evenstar, I'm a biker too, I hate to say this. You are in a horrible situation, You won't be able to get her to stop. There are hideous pics on the web of the aftermath of bike accidents. If there is any slight chance that they may deter her then google, but I don't think that will work either. Get leathers, boots, gloves, decent lid -

believe it or not you can get a decent lid from £30.00 for polycarbonate composite, roughly 3 yr lifespan as opposed to fibre glass 5 yr lifespan and much more expensive. Check out a local Lazer stockist, they have v high safety ratings.

Gloves £10-15

Jacket with flexi body armer £80
Trousers about the same

Boots are a must.

or go for second hand on the clothing, obviously not the lid.

Ebay is good for bike gear too if solo's are not the right size or whatever.

Can you get her started on car lessons? It might just be the freedom aspect....

Shellylou, I'm so sorry about your db. Makes me think of the friends I have lost.

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 01:25

Feel bad for posting my story on here now as i never told it for sympathy. For every experience like mine there are many more that are positive. I just cant see the positive with an inexperienced rider with a pillion passenger

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