I am a teen: are my parents reasonable?

[Differentperspective]

I have a complete lack of communication with my parents. I feel that they are strict and make my life difficult for no reason and I cannot see what I have ever done to antagonise them. It is probably not their fault but I really don't think that they love me or really care for my wellbeing at all. Is it simply that they cannot deal with the fact that I am growing up?
I am seventeen, I still live at home, and go to college full time. I am studying for three A2s in English Lit., History and Law and planning to go to uni after a gap year. I already hold an offer from Exeter but feel like I want to try again for a better offer, closer to home and cheaper halls etc., next year. I did get rejected from Oxford. I work extremely hard and am a straight A student. I was also Head Girl at my school. They are not at all interested in my college work or anything, they do not show any emotion when I get As, though I would be interrogated as to why my grades had slipped should I get anything else. They are not proud of my grades, but they do like to attribute them to 'what a fantastic job they have done with me.'
I have a part time job as a waitress in a 4* hotel and after a full day at college I work for at least 6 hours in the evening- starting at 6pm, meaning I often don't get home to past midnight before getting up at 6.30 for college the next day. I also work 12 hours on a Saturday. This was the only job I could find so I am stuck with such heavy hours, though I really enjoy it, and have found a really nice group of people. At the moment I using the money to save up for a car; my driving lessons are £40 a week and any other money goes on saving for a car and insurance. I do not have a social life/drink/spend my money on clothes/anything else apart from £5 on my phone, every penny is saved. They have told me that I must buy a car of my own and insure it, as they will no longer drive me anywhere, but they will not even loan me the extra £300 I know need for insurance.
Work and college is really making me stressed as I have 12,000 words of coursework for various subjects to finish in 3 weeks, yet I have to juggle it with my job. I need the money but also desperately need to spend much more time on my coursework. I am also constantly tired from my job, I work three times as many hours a week as my Mum- she works 8 hours a week at a pre-school, staying at home the rest of the week. My younger brother, 13, is given £20 for phone/clothes etc. even though he puts no effort into his school work, his room is a mess and I had a paper round at that age. I haven't had a penny off them since I was 13. It seems extremely unfair that my Mum stays at home, going shopping twice a week for clothes, when I work so much and don't spend a penny of it, in order to buy the car that they have ordered me to buy! I have explained how much I am struggling, even to get through each day, but my Dad does not talk to me, and my Mum just tells me 'that's the way it is, life is hard'. I hate asking them for money and they know that I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate, yet they still refuse to give me even £10 a week (I don't get EMA) to take some of the pressure off/allow me to reduce my work hours and get a few more hours sleep. I know they can afford it, as my Mum doesn't work, we live in a big house, with nice cars and good holidays (I understand that I am very lucky in that respect). I just want a bit of help as I am so stressed.
When I explain that I think they are unreasonable, they just treat me like a child who is being naughty or rude and make me apologise and go to my room, when actually I feel I am an intelligent 17 year old who is trying to negotiate a bit of help to deal with my extremely stressful lifestyle. They really do treat me like a child, if I come home later than 5pm (45 minutes after I finish college), I am instructed to 'go to my room and think about how disgustingly I have behaved', when actually I will be an adult in 5 months, I hope to have passed my driving test and have a car by the end of April and be independent in that respect. They still do not allow me to be in the house alone with my brother, saying 'we are too young', even though I have previously been left in charge of the hotel I work at, including the 60 guests staying there!
Sorry this is a very long message, but I am hoping that other parents may help explain their behaviour/ give me some suggestions to open negotiations.
The other problem is my boyfriend of 2 years. He is 19, so 18 months older but they still have a problem with him, despite him shaking their hands every time they meet, always wearing a shirt and even two years later, pays for everything for me (understanding my money issues). I know he adores me, I feel the same and we are planning a future together after we have both finished at different universities (though they do not know this). Our relationship is very innocent, we are both still virgins, and intend to be until we marry, as we want to feel that on our wedding day we are truly 'marrying' (though neither of us are religious). I am convinced that my Mum thinks we are having sex as I know she was at my age. However the topic is not spoken of in our house so I am sure she does not realise how moral and sensible we are being. We see each other once a fortnight, and he drives me home for 10pm, yet they act even more hostile towards me; I get the impression, from certain comments they have made, that they think we have spent the whole evening in bed. I hate to think that are thinking badly of us because I adore him and completely rely on him for all the love and affection in my life and he does a fantastic job of being the only person that makes me feel wanted or loved.
Apart from this I have a very happy outlook on life, I always try to do my best at everything, and be happy about life.
This however, really 'gets me down'. I feel very hurt that they treat me like this and would like to have a better relationship with them, especially as I really want our children to have a good relationship with their grandparents.
This is a ridiculously long post, but I would really like the opinion of mums of teens to try and offer some suggestions, both reasons for this behaviour or how to start having a better relationship with them. I no longer talk to my father as he talks to me so rudely, so argumentatively and seems to have such a bad viewpoint of me, and my Mum refuses to be involved in any conflict, prefering to treat me as a 'naughty child' than face that now I am old enough to be affected by their behaviour. I have never had a good relationship with them; they have always been the kind of parents that are there to discipline, rather than talk to, but I would like to have a relationship with them where we respect each other as adults. Surely it is them that is acting like the children when I try to attempt this but am constantly rebuffed? I would really like to think that they cared about me enough to want a relationship with me but they just can't be bothered.
Thank you.

If I were you, I would scrap through the next 4 or 5 months, borrowing money from your boyfriend if you can, and as soon as you have finished your A levels I would leave home, getting married if that's what it takes.

Life is too short to live with a control freak, and you sound adult enough to cope. I wouldn't advise this lightly, moving out is hard and marriage even harder, but your life sounds like no life at all.

Do you need a car? Can you simply not buy one, get a bike instead? If you get a moped, you can do a CRB course in one day and be on the road, and insurance is much cheaper.

As for "Go to your room and think about how you have behaved " - how do they react if you gently say "No, thank you. I don't have time."

Here's where you need to start ...

Do all your own washing. All of it. Try to plan it around when your parents aren't using the machines, then get it up to your room asap.

if they are giving you hassle about meals, prepare your own but ALWAYS clear up completely afterwards, and don't use any food that you know is planned for theirs (this was a big problem I caused my own mother, and I now know how annoying it is)

Ask them specific questions - "Do you want me to have this job? Do you also want me to have a car? Do you want me to pass my A levels? Can you see how one thing is impacting on the other?"

Because from what I can see, your need for a job is driven by your need for a car, your need for a car is driven by your need for your job, and if they don't let some of the pressure over these two things off, they (themselves) are going to impact negatively on your A level results.

Ask them if they understand that as a direct result of the pressure you are under, you are considering leaving home (as you are legally able to do so)

leaving home at 17/18 is not ideal, it is very very hard and you will struggle financially. But if they don't lift some of the pressure they are putting you under with their constant demands, unreasonable behavior (sending you to your room FFS) and refusal to help, it may be the ONLY option that you have.

And seriously, if they 'send' you to your room, just explain that you have to get ready for work and will probably fall asleep when you get back, which doesn't leave a lot of time for being treated like a 9 year old.

If you get a car who's going to pay for any repair bills. Seriously I just had to pay £300 for new tyres, mot and glow plugs. Now my fuel inlet is knackered and I'm facing another huge bill. Plus I just taxed it. Thats £600 plus in one month.

If your parents thought you were going to bike home at midnight through teh forest would they seriously let you do this rather than pick you up. How about you paying for a taxi? Surely it would be cheaper than a car? It seems the job is almost costing more than you're earning if you need a car for the job as I don't think a p/t job would pay enough for a car, petrol, tax, insurance, bills, etc.

Your parents don't sound reasonable towards you at all. Could you print off what you've written here, or copy it down as a letter and give it your mum. Then she could see how you feel without it descending into a shouting match.

Who's going to pay for uni, sorry I'm sure its differnt now to when I went to uni. Will you get enough of a loan to cover fees, housing, food, etc if your parents don't help. I don't know how much loans are.

If you do have a gap year would you be travelling or working to try and save some money up for uni?

you're working hard to have a car so you can go to work - what's in it for you apart from 5 pounds on the phone?

It may be too far to cycle but a moped would get you there quickly and cheaply. Even an electric bike might do it. You don't need a car and you do need the A grades, or even A* grades if you want somewhere other than Exeter. Exeter is a great place though.

Although you sound great I have a teenage daughter and I know they aren't always 100% honest, even with themselves. How often did you demand lifts from your parents, were your grades or predicted grades better before the boyfriend came along, would they prefer you to be concentrating on your exams? Do you ever help at home/keep your room tidy - sounds like you don't.

My suggestions - ditch the idea of a car and get a moped. Do less hours at work and ask your mother to teach you to cook/show you how to iron.

Consider that your mother may be menopausal and having a bad time with her health and that some people will fight to keep up appearances - they may not have as much money as you think and why should your mother work more (which is what you seem to want) to provide a car for you?

Any relatives to act as mediators? I suspect you are getting angry with them and maybe being rude rather than negotiating. You need to discuss with them how stressed you are and be prepared to discuss options other than having a car.

For what it is worth I think the key to your communication problems with your parents might lie in your comment in one of your posts namley "Part of the problem seems to be that they don't think I am capable of life without them e.g. cooking, washing etc.which is probably true."

They are maybe caught between still feeling responsible for you and wanting to see proof that you can cope with domestic stuff, paying bills (I mean household bills and utilities rather than saving up for a car, which is not wrong in itself but is the kind of aspiration you might have in the transition period in life when you are still living with your parents and all of your accommodation, food bills "lovely holidays" as you put it etc are paid for).

Hard and harsh on you but maybe the only way out of this is for you to take the hard road. See if you can find a saturday job within a bus route instead of the job you currently have. If you cannot, use what you have saved till you get to university then use it for living / rent / bills. Drop the idea of a car and a gap year. Get out there and literally prove to your parents (even at this young age) that yes you can do it all on your own, use your money to stand on your own feet and (if you want) get married (although maybe your aspiration to get married when you are only 17 means there are still other goals and life issues you need to encounter before you can make a go of that with your eyes open).
I don't doubt you are very mature, you very hard working and focussed, but the real test is proving it, without the cushion (even if it doesn't feel like a cushion because it is uncomfortable) of living with your parents. I realise you have to get thro your A levels first and good luck with those. After that get yourself to Uni and aim to rely on your parents as little as possible (and I would suggest it would be a mistake to rely on your boyfriend as a replacement for your parents, try to do it on your own for a while). Your parents will soon see that there is no need for them to discipline you, instead they will respect you openly and you might find your relationship with them improves a lot, even if it is a hard road for you.

Bless you sound like a lovely girl.

You should not have to work all those hours, and I would definitely think of reducing them. I understand that you need to drive and pass your test, however you will work yourself into the ground at this rate.

I would also rethink the gap year idea. It seesm that you are very unhappy at home and it would drive you mad to live anoither year with your parents when your relationship with them is so bad. Really rethink about Exeter, it is a fantastic univeristy (know lots of people who have gone there) and Exeter is a great place to live as a student. It may well help your relationship to move further away tbh.

My dd is only 14 and I hope to god that I don't behave like this when she gets to A level age. As much as I think it is a good idea for 6th formers to have a job, I would only think that a few hours on a saturday would be a good idea, what with all the studying that needs to go on. I think that he OP has it very hard - you seem very lonely.

Is there someone at school you can speak to re your pressures - do you have a mentor? I think it would be a good idea to speak about your situation to someone in RL.

Im ! Ive just re read your post. You said that your parents wont give you an extra �£10 per week even though you know they could afford it because your Mum dosent work. However earlier you said your Mum DOES work (in a pre school).
Also you say you are left fully in charge of a 4 star hotel at 17 years old. Are you, as a part time waitress fully trained to be left in this position? Also you say you work for at least 6 hours in the evening starting at 6pm. I believe it is illegal for someone under the age of 18 years to work between the hours of 11pm and 7am. Maybe someone can come along and clarify. Then there would be a possibility that the hotel would have no option but to reduce your hours.

To juggle that amount of schoolwork plus working to earn money is no easy feat, takes a fair amount of organising that a lot of adults would struggle with! And congrats on Uni offers as well, Exeter is highly sought after.

What I would say that as the owner of two teenagers (19 &17) I found it difficult to let go, and allow them the freedom to become young adults in their own right. Youngest is still walking his path and needs some steering, eldest daughter is doing great and has grown up a lot this past year. It reads to me a bit like your parents are struggling to come to terms with your growing maturity, and are exerting parental pressure in a less thanpoitive way to keep you under their control.

Agree with others re the gap year, unless you can organise something that means you'll be away from home for a sizable chunk of time? Otherwise there's always opportunity to travel between years, and once you have your degree.

Do your parents claim child benefit on your behalf?

Perhaps you could ask them for that, so it's not 'their' money that they are giving you. What would be their reaction to that?

I do understand that you need a car - buses are a nightmare if you need to work odd hours.

You probably should reduce your hours though, and concentrate on your studies. It's more important in the long term, and if it means extra time at home, so be it. They sound like a nightmare actually - is there a chance you can get a job closer to home?

There are a few puzzling elements to this, as venusonarockbun says.

What makes me wonder most about the OP is that she puts so many carts before the horse car, boyfriend and future marriage are uppermost in her mind; the gap year is planned so that she can marry immediately after she and the bf graduate from different universities. There is a focus on the right here, right now things, and the distant future, while the key to all of the future is seemingly being neglected the English Lit., History and Law deadlines and exams that are approaching.

Everything else is taking up far too much time and attention. She is stressed out about everything almost as a distraction from the studies. The distant future and all the little details apart from the exams are thought out, car, driving test, gap year plans (she won't be needing the car in the US, btw), marriage to the boyfriend. Practical details like cooking and laundry, etc., are not on your radar though. The academic deadlines that are approaching seem to be really bothering her. She seems to really badly want to get away from it all.

Differentperspective, if I were your parents I would be worried about you too, not in the prurient way you paint your parents' concern, nor in the harsh either/or choices they have handed to you regarding the car and having to get a job to pay for it. I don't think you have the same level of commitment to your studies that your parents do. You never once mentioned a career after graduation. The only plan you seem to have for the rest of your life is to marry the bf. Have you ever sat down and considered what you really want to do with all the As? What are your talents? What makes you happy?

BTW, I have already packed my oldest DD off to uni. She was a straight A student in school, and held down part time jobs too, plus babysitting, because I didn't have any money to give her apart from room and board and essential clothing. TBH, even with her great grades, I would not have sent her to university if she had intended to marry immediately upon graduation, and never mentioned anything about career plans or a passion in life. Is there a counsellor you could talk to about the stress level in your life? There is too much going on and too much desire to escape.

Differentpersepctive, I agree, that maybe you need to focus on what's most important (your studies), and look at alternatives like a moped. The rest will come in good time, you are still very young.

What you describe, sounds a bit like my parents; when I was about your age, they just withdrew the time and attention that they had given us as children, and there was very little left. My mother has since said, that she regarded her children as a diversion from her life! to which she has presumably now returned now that we are out of her hair.
I still dont understand to this day what their motivation is.
Not much help, sorry!

My parents were very similar to the way you describe yours, especially when I was 16- 17. Looking back I probably wasn't the easiest of people to live with. I was desperate to get away but too nervous to live alone and didn't have the option of uni.

I got married as soon as I was able- at 20 years old. I have had so many occasions to regret that decision over the last 26 years There are so many other opportunities out there for young women these days that I wonder why you are so desperate to marry?

My dad died very suddenly when I was 33, with a lot left unsaid. How I wish I could go back to being 17 and still have him in my life.

I would suggest you talk to somebody before you do anything drastic. Is there a counselling service at college? Or a priest or a teacher?

FWIW Exeter is a well-respected uni. They turned my DD down

I have a 19 & 17 year old so I'm well aquainted with teenagers. You actually sound too good to be true!

I was the perfect student and didn't rock the boat and my parents never seemed to take any notice. My brother was a pain during his teenage years and yet somehow still managed to be the favourite! They did help me with a car and driving lessons.

Is that right your journey to work is only 2 miles? I think you parents are being very mean to not give you lifts, especially as your mum doesn't work much.

I gave mine lifts to work when they needed -(my daughter mon-fri for 2 months 4 miles each way though in her car as part of her driving practice) until they passed their tests. And still do if they have car problems etc. I also paid for driving lessons and a car - they paid the insurance. I am surprised your parents are not helping you more. My daughter works full time now and pays us keep. My son is at college and has a part time supermarket job. I give him �£15 a week towards petrol, and pay for haircuts and clothes for him.

I just find it surprising that you are a perfect daughter and they are so mean.

Maybe if you feel brave, show them this and the responses!

My advice - pass your test but don't rush into a car, agree with the moped idea but it's possible they won't. Forget the gap year and get to uni and get away!

Hopefully, abscence WILL make the heart grow fonder!

I don't think you are trolling - I do think you are trying to be very, very adult (on here and possibly in real life)

Ditch the car idea - taxis must be cheaper. Get the bus there, get a taxi back. Work less hours so you can get back in the daylight. Work Saturdays and stay over at the hotel til Sunday and walk home.

I seriously understand why you want a car but what you don't realise is how expensive it is to run one - unless brand new stuff goes wrong all the time.

I have no idea if getting married and getting a job are the right things for you right now - I do suspect from the tone of your post that you are trying to recreate a happy family life elsewhere

You will change a lot when you're away at uni - you will get breathing space and enjoy yourself. Allow yourself the possibility of changing your mind.

If people don't believe the op, why not just hide the post and don't comment.

Am getting really fed up of the troll hunting on MN.

Coming from a different perspective of my own here. I hope thats ok as you were asking for opinions. I think you need to take a look at whether you are working so hard at all these things for approval (which you don't really feel you get, whether or not it is there, so you work harder to get it, feel more frustrated, vicious circle etc). I think you need to learn to make a mistake, drop the ball, risk disapproval, and put yourself first. You're doing really well, but at what cost? You're allowed to have an off day too or not manage something by yourself. Its healthy to rebel as a teenager, honestly. You're meant to have a fight with them about all this stuff. They sound a bit strict and distant, but maybe some of it comes from anxiety/worry/wanting the best for you. Even if you're not sure, try to see it in this way (its better for you to see it in as positive way). And then let them know you think they are asking too much of you. Then they can give you some feedback. Glad you have a lovely boyfriend, but bear in mind that you might outgrow him or he might outgrow you. Sex after marriage might not be quite as hot as no sex before marriage (no disrespect to your views and wishes). I know of couples who have experienced severe sexual problems simply because of following this belief - somehow believing it was wrong before marriage made it hard for them to relax with each other as a married couple, and it didn't quite live up to the romantic ideal. I hope you go off to uni and have loads of fun, even together you should really concentrate on having a wide social network and joining in with others as much as possible, it will be so much more of an experience that way...and you'll stay more interesting to each other. lots of people regret missing out by being in a serious relationship so young. Don't know if any of this makes sense to your situation, but I hope you find a way through this tough period with your parents.

In all honesty I would move out! I did it when I was 16 and it was hard, but so was living it that kind of nightmare

What troll hunting, have I missed something?

OP I don't believe your story.

Excellent use of in-titular punctuation though, I have to concede that. I'm sure that a 17 year old who can master the colon and remain a virgin (although the two are not necessarily connected) would go far in life.

According to your Op work 24 hrs a week and I am assuming that you get the minimum wage for a 17yr old so you are earning £340 per month. You do not mention having to give your parents digs money (although I only skim read your post so might have missed it.) You do not need to ask your parents for money, you need to learn how to budget properly.

What kind of car are you saving up for? A Mercedes? A moped would be a lot cheaper for work. A bicycle would be even better.

If you are left in charge of a hotel (you are 17 yrs) and there is a fire your manager/owner of the hotel will end up in prison. You are also not old enough to serve liquor and again your manager can get into serious shit. Agreeing to do this illustrates not that you are mature but that you are gullible.

Regarding your parents, keep your head down as you will be leaving home soon.