I am a teen: are my parents reasonable?

[Differentperspective]

I have a complete lack of communication with my parents. I feel that they are strict and make my life difficult for no reason and I cannot see what I have ever done to antagonise them. It is probably not their fault but I really don't think that they love me or really care for my wellbeing at all. Is it simply that they cannot deal with the fact that I am growing up?
I am seventeen, I still live at home, and go to college full time. I am studying for three A2s in English Lit., History and Law and planning to go to uni after a gap year. I already hold an offer from Exeter but feel like I want to try again for a better offer, closer to home and cheaper halls etc., next year. I did get rejected from Oxford. I work extremely hard and am a straight A student. I was also Head Girl at my school. They are not at all interested in my college work or anything, they do not show any emotion when I get As, though I would be interrogated as to why my grades had slipped should I get anything else. They are not proud of my grades, but they do like to attribute them to 'what a fantastic job they have done with me.'
I have a part time job as a waitress in a 4* hotel and after a full day at college I work for at least 6 hours in the evening- starting at 6pm, meaning I often don't get home to past midnight before getting up at 6.30 for college the next day. I also work 12 hours on a Saturday. This was the only job I could find so I am stuck with such heavy hours, though I really enjoy it, and have found a really nice group of people. At the moment I using the money to save up for a car; my driving lessons are £40 a week and any other money goes on saving for a car and insurance. I do not have a social life/drink/spend my money on clothes/anything else apart from £5 on my phone, every penny is saved. They have told me that I must buy a car of my own and insure it, as they will no longer drive me anywhere, but they will not even loan me the extra £300 I know need for insurance.
Work and college is really making me stressed as I have 12,000 words of coursework for various subjects to finish in 3 weeks, yet I have to juggle it with my job. I need the money but also desperately need to spend much more time on my coursework. I am also constantly tired from my job, I work three times as many hours a week as my Mum- she works 8 hours a week at a pre-school, staying at home the rest of the week. My younger brother, 13, is given £20 for phone/clothes etc. even though he puts no effort into his school work, his room is a mess and I had a paper round at that age. I haven't had a penny off them since I was 13. It seems extremely unfair that my Mum stays at home, going shopping twice a week for clothes, when I work so much and don't spend a penny of it, in order to buy the car that they have ordered me to buy! I have explained how much I am struggling, even to get through each day, but my Dad does not talk to me, and my Mum just tells me 'that's the way it is, life is hard'. I hate asking them for money and they know that I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate, yet they still refuse to give me even £10 a week (I don't get EMA) to take some of the pressure off/allow me to reduce my work hours and get a few more hours sleep. I know they can afford it, as my Mum doesn't work, we live in a big house, with nice cars and good holidays (I understand that I am very lucky in that respect). I just want a bit of help as I am so stressed.
When I explain that I think they are unreasonable, they just treat me like a child who is being naughty or rude and make me apologise and go to my room, when actually I feel I am an intelligent 17 year old who is trying to negotiate a bit of help to deal with my extremely stressful lifestyle. They really do treat me like a child, if I come home later than 5pm (45 minutes after I finish college), I am instructed to 'go to my room and think about how disgustingly I have behaved', when actually I will be an adult in 5 months, I hope to have passed my driving test and have a car by the end of April and be independent in that respect. They still do not allow me to be in the house alone with my brother, saying 'we are too young', even though I have previously been left in charge of the hotel I work at, including the 60 guests staying there!
Sorry this is a very long message, but I am hoping that other parents may help explain their behaviour/ give me some suggestions to open negotiations.
The other problem is my boyfriend of 2 years. He is 19, so 18 months older but they still have a problem with him, despite him shaking their hands every time they meet, always wearing a shirt and even two years later, pays for everything for me (understanding my money issues). I know he adores me, I feel the same and we are planning a future together after we have both finished at different universities (though they do not know this). Our relationship is very innocent, we are both still virgins, and intend to be until we marry, as we want to feel that on our wedding day we are truly 'marrying' (though neither of us are religious). I am convinced that my Mum thinks we are having sex as I know she was at my age. However the topic is not spoken of in our house so I am sure she does not realise how moral and sensible we are being. We see each other once a fortnight, and he drives me home for 10pm, yet they act even more hostile towards me; I get the impression, from certain comments they have made, that they think we have spent the whole evening in bed. I hate to think that are thinking badly of us because I adore him and completely rely on him for all the love and affection in my life and he does a fantastic job of being the only person that makes me feel wanted or loved.
Apart from this I have a very happy outlook on life, I always try to do my best at everything, and be happy about life.
This however, really 'gets me down'. I feel very hurt that they treat me like this and would like to have a better relationship with them, especially as I really want our children to have a good relationship with their grandparents.
This is a ridiculously long post, but I would really like the opinion of mums of teens to try and offer some suggestions, both reasons for this behaviour or how to start having a better relationship with them. I no longer talk to my father as he talks to me so rudely, so argumentatively and seems to have such a bad viewpoint of me, and my Mum refuses to be involved in any conflict, prefering to treat me as a 'naughty child' than face that now I am old enough to be affected by their behaviour. I have never had a good relationship with them; they have always been the kind of parents that are there to discipline, rather than talk to, but I would like to have a relationship with them where we respect each other as adults. Surely it is them that is acting like the children when I try to attempt this but am constantly rebuffed? I would really like to think that they cared about me enough to want a relationship with me but they just can't be bothered.
Thank you.

[GardenPath]

Oh, sweetheart - I don't know what to say! My own parents sound a bit like yours, though they had the excuse of their era, and consequently, I (I hope) wasn't like my parents - I gave as much to my kids as I could, made it as easy for them as I could. They worked at school/uni and I supported them as much as I could and beyond because I knew what a difference it would have made to me to have had actively supportive, appreciative parents. Most of the people on here are parents, and look at things from that point of view; problems with the kids etc. But you, well, you are presenting with quite a 'different perspective'. And presenting it so maturely, if I may say so. You have problem parents from the sound of it. While many of us have advice or experience to offer each other on the kid problems, you have made me think. Yes, we parents aren't perfect and we don't know it all. Most parents, we like to think, have the best in mind for their kids 'though we might not agree with each others' methods or views. Many parents try their best and still their kids don't turn out as well as they'd hoped and some parents, perhaps not even necessarily their fault (after all, how do we know until we try and then it's too late), just shouldn't have been parents in the first place. You, however, Differentperspective, from your post, are doing everything right. You're hard-working, focused, prepared to be self-reliant, all any parent would kill for. To suggest you 'manage' your parents would only lead to more stress for you, I feel. Write them a letter by all means, as has already (I think) been suggested, but it sounds as if your own splendid self-reliance is your best ally. It may well stand you in good stead and I expect to see you on some award list in the future - Nobel, Turner? May I say, though, that while you clearly love your boyfriend and I quite see (and have personal experience of) this scenario - disinterested parents versus loving bf - you are very young to be thinking of marriage just yet, in fact, for a very long while yet, which you may not want to hear.
May I also say, as a mother of six and a grandmother I find your post humbling. This may be one of the most important and thought provoking posts, if not on the entire internet, then certainly here. It should make every parent question themselves

[omaoma]

sorry just noticed the final para about your dad... my last comment prob not appropriate. but tbh you are in classic rebellion mode, even tho your 'rebellion' is to be super-efficient and moral!

[OrmRenewed]

Can I have you please? I think you sound lovely

[omaoma]

oops - meant to say: tell your mum and dad you love them at an opportune time. they will be chuffed and feel more warmly towards you, or able to show warmth. and if you want to reintroduce affection in the relationship you are prob going to have to be the one to break the silence!

[omaoma]

sorry: long post in reply.

i think that you parents prob think you should be studying and not working/having a boyf but instead of saying so are just making it difficult for you to do either. I think they are probably also afraid of you having a car = independence so hence are hoping you will never manage to save enough for one. I think you say they were the ones who originally said you should get the job to pay your way- perhaps this was a ruse to eg, put you off going out too much? - and so they are stuck with not being able to tell you direct to give it up! are you sure they are happy about the gap year idea? perhaps they think everything you are devoting yourself to at the mo is a long way from where you should actually be.

bottom line with parents of teenagers is that they are trying to be consistent and 'adult' and maintain that distinction between you as 'child' and them as 'parents' and it unfortunately leads to all sorts of non-adult and apparently irrational decisions which makes them seem like the children. they do love you and they are trying really hard but all the effort is going to waste...

bear in mind that NO parent and teenager has ever managed to maintain decent communication (you are in different worlds, take it from me) and hence why you feel so estranged and confused.

also your lack of respect for your mum is classic teenage stuff darling, we all thought our mums were a waste of space at 17, i appreciate you feel you have good reasons but it's just the way you feel. personally, i would get out of this job-car-no time rut by jacking the job in, make sure you very clearly and calmly explain why to them (you want more time to study, not to see boyf!). hopefully this will lead to a way to reestablishing some kind of relationship with your parents. try not to react if they become difficult about leaving the job - eg i can imagine them blowing up about you 'failing' in your intention to buy a car, or hold down a job - but you could say calmly that you've done the job well for xx months but you've reevaluated your priorities and the car is on the back-burner while you concentrate on exams. ask what one or two things they would think most helpful that you can do for them now you have more time at home, and that you intend to eg, do your own washing from now on, and can they show you how.

agree with other posters about being in charge of a hotel and working so many hours at 17... this is very dodgy if not just an exaggeration. Check online at directgov re your rights/parameters as a working teenager.

[mathanxiety]

I think that the parents are worried that the OP seems to have got too involved with the bf, and lost the academic plot. She seems obsessed with the bf, even mentioning how she wants her parents to have a good relationship with her future children, their grandchildren. No mention of career... Forcing her to get a job and her own car, use only earned money for herself and her needs, is maybe a way of making her deal with reality. But that reality is coming across to her more as an unwarranted punishment than a healthy challenge. She comes across as someone who has lost her motivation completely. Her coursework is reduced to 12,000 words that she has to churn out by a certain date.

Maybe the parents have tried to dissuade her from making hard and fast plans with the bf and she can't see reason, feels misunderstood and put upon. Maybe the parents hope that when she sees the freedom a car brings, and feels the satisfaction of having got it for herself she will get some sort of a fire lit under her, rekindle some sort of ambition. However, in the short term, it seems to have pushed her more into the bf's arms through depending on him for lifts, making him compare very favourably with them and their refusal to help. She says he pays for everything for her. This is downright wrong. It is a horribly unbalanced relationship. It has been going on for 2 years, so she was maybe 15 when they started dating.

I also think they should be concerned at the very least for her personal safety wrt the lifts home from work. They should not have put her in a position of depending on the bf or on her manager, which, imo, is a recipe for disaster or at the least, unpleasant complications. The parents are in danger of accomplishing the exact opposite of what they want for their daughter. They should be willing to allow her a few late teen privileges, teach her the skills they seem to think she lacks, make her shoulder a bit more responsibility around the house. They should see how they are driving her into the bf's arms -- there's no way he should be spending money on her as she claims he does.

Lots of talking needed in this home. OP will hopefully look back on all of this after a few years and realise what an idiot she is to have been willing to throw a promising future overboard for a young man who wears a shirt and shakes hands when he meets her parents...

[tatt]

"my driving lessons are £40 a week and any other money goes on saving for a car and insurance." - takes a big chunk from the monthly wage.

The post is not beyond the bounds of possibility so please don't rush to assume troll. The entire post makes no effort to see things from the parents point of view. That certainly sounds like a teenager.

OP - your parents have provided you with a good house to live in and a good education. Sounds liek they continue to cook and wash for you. A little more gratitude, or at least recognition, might help. They obviously want you to learn how to cope when you have to support yourself in the adult world. I could give my children more money than I do but I want them to get jobs to learn that money doesn't grow on trees, it has to be worked for. Like your parents I don't believe in spoiling children.

As an adult you will have to work long hours if you want a lot of money. You will also have to shop for food, cook it, wash up, keep your accommodation, yourself and your clothes clean and ironed. Life is hard and as children get older they have to be prepared to deal with it. But there is a balance between work and getting good grades. Personally I'd pick my children up from work or help them with driving lessons -provided they were responsible about telling me where they were going/ when they would be back and were sticking to it/ getting enough sleep before school. Feel free to show this to your parents, it would have more impact coming from someone who basically agrees with their parenting.

[TheCrackFox]

According to your Op work 24 hrs a week and I am assuming that you get the minimum wage for a 17yr old so you are earning £340 per month. You do not mention having to give your parents digs money (although I only skim read your post so might have missed it.) You do not need to ask your parents for money, you need to learn how to budget properly.

What kind of car are you saving up for? A Mercedes? A moped would be a lot cheaper for work. A bicycle would be even better.

If you are left in charge of a hotel (you are 17 yrs) and there is a fire your manager/owner of the hotel will end up in prison. You are also not old enough to serve liquor and again your manager can get into serious shit. Agreeing to do this illustrates not that you are mature but that you are gullible.

Regarding your parents, keep your head down as you will be leaving home soon.

[BogofFun]

Excellent use of in-titular punctuation though, I have to concede that. I'm sure that a 17 year old who can master the colon and remain a virgin (although the two are not necessarily connected) would go far in life.

[catinthehat2]

OP I don't believe your story.

[RedbinDippers]

What troll hunting, have I missed something?

[ShadeofViolet]

In all honesty I would move out! I did it when I was 16 and it was hard, but so was living it that kind of nightmare

[JiminyCricket]

Coming from a different perspective of my own here. I hope thats ok as you were asking for opinions. I think you need to take a look at whether you are working so hard at all these things for approval (which you don't really feel you get, whether or not it is there, so you work harder to get it, feel more frustrated, vicious circle etc). I think you need to learn to make a mistake, drop the ball, risk disapproval, and put yourself first. You're doing really well, but at what cost? You're allowed to have an off day too or not manage something by yourself. Its healthy to rebel as a teenager, honestly. You're meant to have a fight with them about all this stuff. They sound a bit strict and distant, but maybe some of it comes from anxiety/worry/wanting the best for you. Even if you're not sure, try to see it in this way (its better for you to see it in as positive way). And then let them know you think they are asking too much of you. Then they can give you some feedback. Glad you have a lovely boyfriend, but bear in mind that you might outgrow him or he might outgrow you. Sex after marriage might not be quite as hot as no sex before marriage (no disrespect to your views and wishes). I know of couples who have experienced severe sexual problems simply because of following this belief - somehow believing it was wrong before marriage made it hard for them to relax with each other as a married couple, and it didn't quite live up to the romantic ideal. I hope you go off to uni and have loads of fun, even together you should really concentrate on having a wide social network and joining in with others as much as possible, it will be so much more of an experience that way...and you'll stay more interesting to each other. lots of people regret missing out by being in a serious relationship so young. Don't know if any of this makes sense to your situation, but I hope you find a way through this tough period with your parents.

[Fleegle]

If people don't believe the op, why not just hide the post and don't comment.

Am getting really fed up of the troll hunting on MN.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I don't think you are trolling - I do think you are trying to be very, very adult (on here and possibly in real life)

Ditch the car idea - taxis must be cheaper. Get the bus there, get a taxi back. Work less hours so you can get back in the daylight. Work Saturdays and stay over at the hotel til Sunday and walk home.

I seriously understand why you want a car but what you don't realise is how expensive it is to run one - unless brand new stuff goes wrong all the time.

I have no idea if getting married and getting a job are the right things for you right now - I do suspect from the tone of your post that you are trying to recreate a happy family life elsewhere

You will change a lot when you're away at uni - you will get breathing space and enjoy yourself. Allow yourself the possibility of changing your mind.

[stripeyknickersspottysocks]

[2old4thislark]

I have a 19 & 17 year old so I'm well aquainted with teenagers. You actually sound too good to be true!

I was the perfect student and didn't rock the boat and my parents never seemed to take any notice. My brother was a pain during his teenage years and yet somehow still managed to be the favourite! They did help me with a car and driving lessons.

Is that right your journey to work is only 2 miles? I think you parents are being very mean to not give you lifts, especially as your mum doesn't work much.

I gave mine lifts to work when they needed -(my daughter mon-fri for 2 months 4 miles each way though in her car as part of her driving practice) until they passed their tests. And still do if they have car problems etc. I also paid for driving lessons and a car - they paid the insurance. I am surprised your parents are not helping you more. My daughter works full time now and pays us keep. My son is at college and has a part time supermarket job. I give him �£15 a week towards petrol, and pay for haircuts and clothes for him.

I just find it surprising that you are a perfect daughter and they are so mean.

Maybe if you feel brave, show them this and the responses!

My advice - pass your test but don't rush into a car, agree with the moped idea but it's possible they won't. Forget the gap year and get to uni and get away!

Hopefully, abscence WILL make the heart grow fonder!

[elvislives]

My parents were very similar to the way you describe yours, especially when I was 16- 17. Looking back I probably wasn't the easiest of people to live with. I was desperate to get away but too nervous to live alone and didn't have the option of uni.

I got married as soon as I was able- at 20 years old. I have had so many occasions to regret that decision over the last 26 years There are so many other opportunities out there for young women these days that I wonder why you are so desperate to marry?

My dad died very suddenly when I was 33, with a lot left unsaid. How I wish I could go back to being 17 and still have him in my life.

I would suggest you talk to somebody before you do anything drastic. Is there a counselling service at college? Or a priest or a teacher?

FWIW Exeter is a well-respected uni. They turned my DD down

[nighbynight]

Differentpersepctive, I agree, that maybe you need to focus on what's most important (your studies), and look at alternatives like a moped. The rest will come in good time, you are still very young.

What you describe, sounds a bit like my parents; when I was about your age, they just withdrew the time and attention that they had given us as children, and there was very little left. My mother has since said, that she regarded her children as a diversion from her life! to which she has presumably now returned now that we are out of her hair.
I still dont understand to this day what their motivation is.
Not much help, sorry!

[mathanxiety]

There are a few puzzling elements to this, as venusonarockbun says.

What makes me wonder most about the OP is that she puts so many carts before the horse car, boyfriend and future marriage are uppermost in her mind; the gap year is planned so that she can marry immediately after she and the bf graduate from different universities. There is a focus on the right here, right now things, and the distant future, while the key to all of the future is seemingly being neglected the English Lit., History and Law deadlines and exams that are approaching.

Everything else is taking up far too much time and attention. She is stressed out about everything almost as a distraction from the studies. The distant future and all the little details apart from the exams are thought out, car, driving test, gap year plans (she won't be needing the car in the US, btw), marriage to the boyfriend. Practical details like cooking and laundry, etc., are not on your radar though. The academic deadlines that are approaching seem to be really bothering her. She seems to really badly want to get away from it all.

Differentperspective, if I were your parents I would be worried about you too, not in the prurient way you paint your parents' concern, nor in the harsh either/or choices they have handed to you regarding the car and having to get a job to pay for it. I don't think you have the same level of commitment to your studies that your parents do. You never once mentioned a career after graduation. The only plan you seem to have for the rest of your life is to marry the bf. Have you ever sat down and considered what you really want to do with all the As? What are your talents? What makes you happy?

BTW, I have already packed my oldest DD off to uni. She was a straight A student in school, and held down part time jobs too, plus babysitting, because I didn't have any money to give her apart from room and board and essential clothing. TBH, even with her great grades, I would not have sent her to university if she had intended to marry immediately upon graduation, and never mentioned anything about career plans or a passion in life. Is there a counsellor you could talk to about the stress level in your life? There is too much going on and too much desire to escape.

[PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow]

Do your parents claim child benefit on your behalf?

Perhaps you could ask them for that, so it's not 'their' money that they are giving you. What would be their reaction to that?

I do understand that you need a car - buses are a nightmare if you need to work odd hours.

You probably should reduce your hours though, and concentrate on your studies. It's more important in the long term, and if it means extra time at home, so be it. They sound like a nightmare actually - is there a chance you can get a job closer to home?

[rightfootfirst]

To juggle that amount of schoolwork plus working to earn money is no easy feat, takes a fair amount of organising that a lot of adults would struggle with! And congrats on Uni offers as well, Exeter is highly sought after.

What I would say that as the owner of two teenagers (19 &17) I found it difficult to let go, and allow them the freedom to become young adults in their own right. Youngest is still walking his path and needs some steering, eldest daughter is doing great and has grown up a lot this past year. It reads to me a bit like your parents are struggling to come to terms with your growing maturity, and are exerting parental pressure in a less thanpoitive way to keep you under their control.

Agree with others re the gap year, unless you can organise something that means you'll be away from home for a sizable chunk of time? Otherwise there's always opportunity to travel between years, and once you have your degree.

[venusonarockbun]

Im ! Ive just re read your post. You said that your parents wont give you an extra �£10 per week even though you know they could afford it because your Mum dosent work. However earlier you said your Mum DOES work (in a pre school).
Also you say you are left fully in charge of a 4 star hotel at 17 years old. Are you, as a part time waitress fully trained to be left in this position? Also you say you work for at least 6 hours in the evening starting at 6pm. I believe it is illegal for someone under the age of 18 years to work between the hours of 11pm and 7am. Maybe someone can come along and clarify. Then there would be a possibility that the hotel would have no option but to reduce your hours.