Urgent help with really awful behaviour from DS age 14 - really need advice on what to do

[mysteryfairy]

DS1 age 14 years went paintballing last Saturday. It was another child's birthday but he was generously subbed (£30) by us for extra ammunition. He was taken by a friend and I did the 20 mile round trip to pick them up. They were very muddy.

DS left his mud caked trainers by the back door. The next day Sunday I asked him to clean them up. (He has complicated school uniform rules and they are his cross country trainers.) He went out in the garden with them and a roll of kitchen roll. He proceeded to use the entire roll of kitchen roll rubbing at his trainers. At the end of this procedure there was a pile of muddy kitchen roll and a pair of still filthy trainers although the mud was considerably more ground in. DH told him he would need to sort them out further. At this point DS stormed into the garden, threw the trainers in the hedge and began storming off down the street.

As it happened as I was about to go out with DD. We set off and drew level with him in the car at the end of our road. I opened the window and although I was fuming actually told him very reasonably that he needed to go home, put his coat on as it was chilly to be outside sorting trainers out without it, get a bucket and a scrubbing brush from the garage, fill the bucket with warm soapy water and have a good go at the trainers. He proceeded to yell about how it wasn't fair, I should buy him some new trainers etc. I told him that he was not to storm off (ongoing problem with him walking out and disappearing if things don't go his way) and that if he didn't go home and sort out his trainers as I was asking him to do he would not be allowed on any outings with his friends during half term.

He yelled f you (very out of character language) and stormed off. I carried on with DD and when we arrived found I had a text from him "youre a horrible fing b* and i hate u f** off out of my life and go die in a ditch". I got in touch with DH to let him know and ask him to retrieve DS1 and deal with him.

I got home four hours later (had been doing activity with DD plus weekly supermarket shop) to find DH had done nothing re DS and there was no sign of DS. I was really worried and tried ringing DS from all the various phones in the house (mobiles and landline). He did not answer. I sent him a text asking him to confirm where he was and start off for home and got a text back saying "no i am not going to come back and just to reiterate ...all of previous text again".

I tried to track him down by ringing some local friends but no-one had seen him. I was really worried. Eventually I got another text which said "will you get me from [town where he goes to school] bus station?" He had been gone for 6.5 hours and had walked 17 miles. He had no money with him.

DH was all for ignoring him but I persuaded him to go and get him as by this time it was beginning to go dark and he couldn't realistically walk the same distance again anyway.

DH spoke to him about his behaviour in the car.

During the week DS has made reference to an end of half term trip to the cinema after school on friday and I have reminded him (v calmly) that he can't go as he is grounded. It is now 17.54. His school bus came in at 17.00 and he was not on it. He has with him an electron card to his account (which has lots of money in it). He is presumably in the town where he goes to school 17 miles away. I am at home with DS2 13, DD 7 and DD's friend. I am due to deliver DD's friend to brownies in half an hour so not in a position to drag them out looking for him.

DH is away.

I really really don't know what to do or how to handle this.

He is bigger and stronger than me if that makes any difference.

Hmm, he has backed himself into a corner, hasn't he?

You need to give him a way out without losing too much face and start again.

Can you be calm with him and say "Come on, lets clean these bloody trainers then" and do them at the sink with him. Try to take the heat out of the situation and have a chat when he's calm about how hurt you are and see if he can see your point of view. Perhaps say something like "Forget what we've said about grounding for now- how would you handle this if you were me? What do you think would be reasonable?" and open a dialogue. Tell him that you love him, but that you can't let a situation develop where the people who are meant tolove each other most in the world speak to each other like that, etc etc.

Umm, then play it by ear. Just try to get him talking and back onside.

The last thing you want is a big pwer struggle- you need to re-open communication, and appeal to his better nature, I think.

Well, you can't go out searching for him and you know he has cash and is probably at the cinema, so right now I would do nothing other than wait for him to ask for a lift home from the cinema which presumably he will do later on. Take dds friend to brownies, get on with the evening.

This is not really about a pair of trainers any more is it - if it ever was.

Teenagers are all about stretching the boundaries and showing you don't control them any more. Which you don't - they have new powers (like money and freedom) and can laugh in your face if you don't change strategy. It's all very difficult and I can't say I have got it right.

Like BitofFun says, it's time for some discussions and deals - you have to start treating him like a bit more of an adult, but give him the responsibilities that go with that. And you need new sanctions - ones where he can't just go 'ha see you stop me'. Internet access, money, whatever floats his boat.

So with the shoes, what would happen if he hadn't cleaned them and they aren't fit for school? If you won't buy new ones then he's got to decide what to do for himself - buy more with his money, or clean them, or get into trouble at school.

It's a horrible stage. Good luck

I'm just feeling so sick with it all at the moment I'm going to find it really hard to carry on being the reasonable parent.

I was really hurt by the texts he sent to me - no-one has ever spoken to me like that.

I do think I was very reasonable over the shoes in the first place - although I was fuming when he threw them in the hedge I made constructive sugggestions re cleaning them. My detail about the paintballing trip was to show I had already put myself out for him that weekend - I have a fulltime job, am a part time uni student and have three children - I just don't think it is reasonable for my 14 year old to think that as well as funding him and running round after him I should clean his muddy shoes for him.

I really feel that I don't want him back in the house or to have to deal with him tonight. Obviously I have no choice though. If he is chauffered home by another parent I am very tempted to go out and explain what he has done.

No advice but sympathy I have a horrible 14 year old ds as well who will tell me how much he hates me and in the same sentence ask to be able to go out wiht his friends. APparently they do get over it eventually...

i don't have a teenager but I would imagine telling the other parent what he has done really won't help the situation. i would have hated my mum if she had done that.

think bitoffun is really you need him to be able to talk to you.

Oh mysteryfairy, he's really testing the boundaries isn't he? I have a 13 yr old ds and he's just beginning to fly off the handle in the same sort of way for similar sorts of non reasons.

The only advice I can give (and please take this as from someone in the same boat not a judgey pants) - it does sound like you have both racked up the stakes here.

Do your boots. (He does them badly - fairly normal? My thoughts were how fantastic that he tried,)

Your boots aren't good enough. (He chucks them and has a tantrum - fairly typical teenaged strop. Not good but I'd suggest ignore and insist he retrieves the boots when he is calmer and before any further treats etc)

You are grounded. (He 'walks'. Again all within normal teenage behaviour but obviously not acceptable).

You tell him to go back and do the boots. (He swears and goes 17 miles . (Not normal teenage behaviour BUT by this time everything has been wound up into a mega big deal. The darned boots are now a symbol of war. Ds is wound up beyond all reasonable behaviour.

Does it help to see that perhaps you wound things up too? (I know I do it too ).

Good luck!!!

It is so hard.

You need to be strong and let him know you love him.

If he just turns up at home, just ask him if he had a good time and leave the discussion about sanctions til a time when you feel more confident to deal with it, maybe over the weekend. Yes he has done wrong, he has gone against what you told him to do, but he will probably be dreading coming home to an arguement. When he comes in he may be expecting a big showdown and a huge row, thats why I would wait. Let him (and you) calm down and then talk calmly together. He is just pushing boundaries.

I can understand how hurtful that text was. I kept one my daughter sent to me in anger on my phone for ages. He has probably shocked himself that he could feel such anger to actually send it to you. Again, another discussion when he is calm and I am sure he will see how hurtful it was.

Good luck with tonight. He does love you and I know you love him, or you would not be so worried about him. The calmer you can be the better to sort out the situation for now and for helping you both in the future.

I am no expert. I have done it all wrong more times than I care to remember, but this is what i TRY to aim to do!!!

I suspect he will be brought home my the parents of his most local fried - said friend rang our landline before 7am this morning and woke me up - I assumed over homework but it was probably re this evening. I feel like telling the parents to explain why DS1 will not be available to socialise with their DS over half term and then hopefully at least they won't let him in or give him lifts anywhere.

I do have very low standards over cleanliness of rugby boots etc BTW - these trainers literally had half a field attached. The texts upset me more than original swearing as they were so vicious.

I have 2 teenage boys and sympathise!

I would remove the source of funds, ie his cash card. Do you still have parental control of his account? If he won't give up the card you could get it cancelled. If he doesn't have cash he can't bugger off to the cinema without telling you.

14 is still very young and to be honest he is being very immature. I would have the "if you act like a child you'll be treated like one, ie no freedom... If you can act in a mature and reasonable manner the freedoms will come back" conversation.

Freedoms could include cash, money on his phone, ability to go out with friends and acccess to Xbox or whatever else.

I may be a particularly harsh and nasty mother but I think that boys are still closer to dogs at this age (although dogs are nicer) and need clear boundaries and consequences.

Most of all you need your DH on side. He should have been outraged by that text and not left it for you to deal with.

I hope he comes back safely and that underneath he will realise how badly he is behaving.

He has a contract phone, various games consoles etc. I am very tempted to go and strip his room but will try and resist.

I didn't need to give permission for him to have an electron card so I think if I cancelled it it would just be a case of him being sent another. It is just his pocket money account he has access to but I am fairly sure it has around £200 in so would last him a while before cutting off funds hurt.

I really don't think he did try hard. He used a whole roll of kitchen roll because he couldn't be bothered to get the right equipment and he didn't bother to pick it up, he just left it lying in the garden. He knew the trainers weren't clean and expected me to put them through the washing machine to finish them off but they were still far too encrusted with mud to put in the machine.

He is provided with the coat of his choosing and he chooses never to wear it.

I will be cancelling the contract as soon as the minimum term is up. DH got it for him on some cash back deal that he reckoned would be cheaper than PAYG. DS has rung up a couple of months of massive overspend over the past eight months and lost the actual contract handset very quickly. I'm not sure how I will overcome the fact that on PAYG he is likely to use up all the credit v quickly and if an emergency occurs be unlikely to have any credit.

He still hasn't come home or been in touch

Are the trainers clean? If not, I would get them and clean them as an olive branch for when he comes back. I'm not suggesting you have done anything wrong btw. A problem over a minor issue (the trainers) has now escalated out of control - he has got really upset and done silly things so this all needs to be calmed down and this hormonal lad needs to know how much you love him (as he does not think you do at all). I personally don't think taking away his outings with his mates will do anything to improve his behaviour - it will just make him feel more resentful and communication will break down even further.

My kids are not teenagers. However, I was in my twenties and had three teenage brothers and I remember the sort of stuff that went on.

I'd let the boots be his problem - no boots for cross-country, presumably he gets detention or similar? Just leave them by the backdoor & leave him to it, beyond suggesting a bucket of soapy hot water.

The swearing: well, teenagers have tantrums. Although I think I'd tell him that I wasn't about to pay a contract to be called an effing bitch, & that it'd be cancelled if I ever again received an abusive text from him.

As for tonight, I think I'd try to meet him at the door, tell him calmly that you're glad he's safe as you've been worried, & NOT have a huge row. Sit him down tomorrow & talk it through, but I'd be pretty clear I think that his future access to his phone & cash depended on reasonable, trustworthy behaviour.

I don't think grounding ever really works with teenagers - he'll just walk out, you can't physically stop him, & then the whole thing has just escalated.

He came home at about 9pm and went straight into the room where DS2 was and began playing his guitar.

I went in and said I was glad that he was home safely, please could he give me his phone now and I thought the best thing would be if he went off to bed.

He was extremely sheepish and gave me his phone and headed off without any argument.

Will have to sleep on what to do next.

poor mf.
perhaps his tour around the neighbourhood made him realise how nice it was to have a warm home to go to.

I think advice so far is good, and you need to somehow make it clear that texts like that are totally out of order. If you think "make the punishment fit the crime" then maybe he should be without the phone for a while. (His abusive texts are far worse than the fact that he didn't clean the trainers imho)

Tis hard isn't it. My 2 older teenagers are a dream but dc3 (nearly 13) is a moody madam.

oh god, the teenagers' coats. I have finally learnt to just shut my mouth about those....let them freeze!

MF I am pleased that he arrived home safely and you handled it really well to stay calm.
I really hope you can sit down with him calmly today and discuss where you both go from here.
Definitely pick your battles as Maryz said.
Keep communication open even if you feel it is one way....he will come through this and he will need to talk with you.

He has already left this morning to go to music centre (thankfully not exactly James Dean behaviour there!) and by the time he comes back I will have left for a uni related thing and so won't see him until tomorrow.

There were texts sent to his phone what seemed like non stop til after midnight last night - didn't read them just had phone vibrating in my drawer. I think I need to review use of the phone in general. I hope his friends were up later because it was half term. If they are all habitually texting til that time then only getting 6 hours sleep might be a partial explanation for his behaviour .

The idea about him reading the texts out is a great one. I am going to try that when I speak to him tomorrow. I am sure he will be extremely embarrassed. I agree that the trainers themselves weren't that big a deal, it is the escalation from there, and I am going to put them in the garage before I go as if DH spots them he will probably have another go at making him clean them up.

mysteryfairy I don't have much to add but I do have a 14 year old DS.
I am absolutley amazed at the fantastic constructive replies that have been posted especially from maryz and I really hope some combination of these ideas works for you.
I'll be filing them away for future use.

By the way if I sent my DS out to clean his disgusting football boots I would get exactly the same result.i.e. a pathetic half hearted attempt resulting in more mess and not much cleaner boots.

I have to say, I'm quite surprised at the people who are suggesting cleaning the boots for him, either as an olive branch or to show him how to do it.
He has had the most godawful tantrum over a bsic chore- if this results in the chore being done for him, what is he learning? I can see where you're coming from, but if MF does this for him, he is just learning that stropping gets him what he wants. I wonder if this is why so many teenagers at school "kick off" big-time over minor matters- have they been taught at home that this will ultimately get them their own way? I'm not trying to be contentious at all, by the way, just musing aloud (well, online, YKWIM).