DS1 age 14 years went paintballing last Saturday. It was another child's birthday but he was generously subbed (£30) by us for extra ammunition. He was taken by a friend and I did the 20 mile round trip to pick them up. They were very muddy.
DS left his mud caked trainers by the back door. The next day Sunday I asked him to clean them up. (He has complicated school uniform rules and they are his cross country trainers.) He went out in the garden with them and a roll of kitchen roll. He proceeded to use the entire roll of kitchen roll rubbing at his trainers. At the end of this procedure there was a pile of muddy kitchen roll and a pair of still filthy trainers although the mud was considerably more ground in. DH told him he would need to sort them out further. At this point DS stormed into the garden, threw the trainers in the hedge and began storming off down the street.
As it happened as I was about to go out with DD. We set off and drew level with him in the car at the end of our road. I opened the window and although I was fuming actually told him very reasonably that he needed to go home, put his coat on as it was chilly to be outside sorting trainers out without it, get a bucket and a scrubbing brush from the garage, fill the bucket with warm soapy water and have a good go at the trainers. He proceeded to yell about how it wasn't fair, I should buy him some new trainers etc. I told him that he was not to storm off (ongoing problem with him walking out and disappearing if things don't go his way) and that if he didn't go home and sort out his trainers as I was asking him to do he would not be allowed on any outings with his friends during half term.
He yelled f you (very out of character language) and stormed off. I carried on with DD and when we arrived found I had a text from him "youre a horrible fing b* and i hate u f** off out of my life and go die in a ditch". I got in touch with DH to let him know and ask him to retrieve DS1 and deal with him.
I got home four hours later (had been doing activity with DD plus weekly supermarket shop) to find DH had done nothing re DS and there was no sign of DS. I was really worried and tried ringing DS from all the various phones in the house (mobiles and landline). He did not answer. I sent him a text asking him to confirm where he was and start off for home and got a text back saying "no i am not going to come back and just to reiterate ...all of previous text again".
I tried to track him down by ringing some local friends but no-one had seen him. I was really worried. Eventually I got another text which said "will you get me from [town where he goes to school] bus station?" He had been gone for 6.5 hours and had walked 17 miles. He had no money with him.
DH was all for ignoring him but I persuaded him to go and get him as by this time it was beginning to go dark and he couldn't realistically walk the same distance again anyway.
DH spoke to him about his behaviour in the car.
During the week DS has made reference to an end of half term trip to the cinema after school on friday and I have reminded him (v calmly) that he can't go as he is grounded. It is now 17.54. His school bus came in at 17.00 and he was not on it. He has with him an electron card to his account (which has lots of money in it). He is presumably in the town where he goes to school 17 miles away. I am at home with DS2 13, DD 7 and DD's friend. I am due to deliver DD's friend to brownies in half an hour so not in a position to drag them out looking for him.
DH is away.
I really really don't know what to do or how to handle this.
He is bigger and stronger than me if that makes any difference.