Advice needed for "Tweenager" dd 11

[labradoodley]

I need advice. My dd11 has reduced me to tears twice this week and its usually in the mornings before she goes to school. Shes doing ok at school, has some nice friends, on top of homework and has support from us in everything she does. She goes to Guides, loves gymnastics but is not spoilt as we dont have to money to spoil her and she understands this.

But the way she speaks to me is disgusting half the time and she slams doors in my face.
She has always been "sensitive" shall we say but the last few months its almost as if she wants to "create" a situation and has caused big rows between me and dh sometimes. She is a beautiful, creative, loving child but sometimes she makes me feel as if im the worse person in the world. .

So far shes lost her computer time (loves MSN) and when she comes home this evening i will inform her she has lost her pocket money. But i need to say something to her without getting angry to make her realise how upset shes making me. Im crying as i write this because i love her so much but feel im losing her already.

So sorry to read this labra, it's so worrying isn't it. I might have to lurk here, I'm going through something similar.
Am trying to have more one-on-one with mine to hold on to things but the niceness doesn't seem to spread beyond the "one-on-one" time to family time, if you see what I mean. Don't know what the solution is.

The only reassurance is that the reason you are chosen to get all the rubbish is because she knows that she can trust you, and you love her you are her escape valve. If something is troubling her that she can't articulate, she has really only one person to take it out on, which is you (and mine me!) So in a way, it's not "personal" it's something else which may need to be got to teh bottom of.

I am fast approaching this stage with my 10yo (11 in May), having been there twice already (19 and 17yo) - have just about got the hang of switching off my feelings about it, shoving them in a box marked 'difficult age'

the best thing I can recommend is the book 'get out of my life (but first take me and Alex into town' - couple of quid second hand from amazon

it helped me understand even if it is not overflowing with practical how-tos

thnks Stuff and Mitch, am glad its not just me. This morning she walked to school with her friend but we were not on good terms and my stomach always turns over when this happens cos i think she might run away. What can i say to her tho? I cant start the day in tears everyday.

mitchyinge, thanks for link as well, have looked at that book and will def order it. xx

What I've done with mine is a hairandnails time and couple of times a week (she is total tomboy so this is very new to her) and I have broached it with her then. Not in a heavy way but trying to say, what's up, anything on your mind, you've been a bit not-with-me sort of conversation.

It's nice while it's happening and everything seems fine but it just reverts to the usual during family time.

I'm just trying to make a space where if there IS something going on, she might talk to me. I don't know how successful I'm being.

Is this something you think she might respond to?

IGnore ignore ignore. It's NOT you, it's not really her. It's those bloody hormones. It needs to be dealt with - as you are restricting bloody MSN. But you aren't losing her, she's just going though a stage. Chill out a bit. Don't take it so seriously.

hi stuff, yes, i have tried this approach and done cooking as she really wants to loves cooking. Yesterday she made chicken pasties and sausage rolls from pastry she/we had made, she weighed stuff out helped wash up etc, it was really nice but within an hour she slams her bedroom door in my face screaming at me cos at 9.00pm i wont let her take her Nintendo DS to bed as I said its way too late now.
We do the nail and hair thing too which is fun and we have a ritual on saturday afternoons of DVDs, fluffy sox and sweets in my bedroom. Weve always done that as she has gymnastics on Saturdays 10-12pm and I work will 12pm so by 2pm we just crash out together.
I feel like im a failure sometimes tbh. My own mum used to clout me from one end of the house to the next when i was a kid and no, no, and never would i ever, ever do this as its left me quite distant to my mum now.

im rambling. sorry.

titchy, thanks for message. I agree with bloody msn restriction 100% and would ban it completely if i could as i hate it!

If i didnt take it seriously it would definitly escalate which is not a good move.

I concur with the others, it is just a stage even if it is soul destroying.

I can vaguely remember all the churning emotions of being a teenager and sometimes with my 12 year old, I do say that I feel sorry for her having so much anger inside her and not knowing how to get it out.

I insist on a basic level of civility, no name calling, no swearing, no taking it out on her younger sister and beyond that I ignore it.

It's almost like having a very large toddler, they do escalate to begin with but they very quickly realise that you aren't going to react and so threatening to run away, get a piercing, jump out of the window become boring.

Good luck - the book recommended is a great comfort that you aren't alone and it does give you a few tips on how to prevent arguments escalating.

I don't mean don't take it seriously in terms of not dealing withing or allowing it to escalate, but in terms of don't take it personally. It's not serious in the sense that you're not losing her and she doesn't hate you! (However much she may say she does lol).

mrs pnut how funny to say that they are like a very large toddler! thats really tickled me.

Thanks

I've got one of these too. She's horrible some mornings, I frequently end up crying

I've realised she's much worse when she's had a late night, even 30 mins later can cause issues.

I think the ignoring the bad thing is a good plan. I'm going to try that, we can't carry on yelling like we are at the moment

This sounds exactly like me dd1 who is nearly 12. We have always clashed but lately she just has such a bad attitude that she drives me nuts.

For the first time last week she was allowed to go to town with a friend, and what happens, they get chucked out of a shop for messing around. I was so dissapointed in her because she has not been brought up to behave like that.

She does fabulously at school and is always polite to teachers etc but at home it is a different story.

Wrt to msn, dd1 is only alowed on the computer if her room is reasonably tidy. It is such a pigsty this week that I have also said she will not be allowed to go to cheerleading on sunday if it is not done. She moaned that she can't miss it, so I said, well thats up to you.

Being a parent to a nearly teen is alot harder than I imagined lol.

Oh I ignore dd and I think it does work to a point. She normally goes away and comes back half an hour later slightly nicer.

my dd1 not me

DD is nearly 12 now, and has been picking fights with me for about 2 years now. What mrspnut says about being like a toddler tantrum is spot on, if you get angry and give them lots of attention then it soon turns into a full-on strop. That said, the name calling, selfishness and violence (usually a slammed door but I have been kicked) are unbelievably draining.

I will say that if you talk to her later when she's calmed down, she'll probably be devestated by what she's done. Certainly DD has no idea where all the anger comes from! We've agreed that she'll try not to let the angry feelings 'take over', but also that I understand she's doing her best and I'll support her by not being angry in return and being there to talk when she needs me. I don't do punishments as I really think she needs a chance to learn to control her feelings without a threat hanging over her.

Bloody hormones! It does get better though, I wouldn't say it's passed by any means but it's not as often as it used to be. Sometimes she's even quite sweet!

I find mentally saying 'whatever' helps too! And occassionally out loud

It's true, think about all the toddler tantrums we've endured and then look at your tweenager.

Stamping their feet, slamming doors, being unreasonable, howling with frustration and then the contrition afterwards when they've calmed down.

There are so many similarities and so that's why ignoring works so well at both stages.

Oh yes labrad... i know excatly what you mean although mine is a DS of 13 so I've had nearly 3 years of this but I've noticed it has got a bit easier recently.

DS sometimes speaks really bad and I've had the doors slammed. Wonder they're still on the hinges but never mind!! Solution is .....wait for it ..... TIME!

Your middle paragragh could be DS at times.It's not easy but here's what I do.
1 swear under my breath! Honestly

2 Try to keep perspective. not easy admittedly.

3 Often the rows blow over as quick as they have started and he will come down and snuggle into me on the settee. I let the row go then but gently bring it up later. I say something like' Hey, all that before- that wasn't great what's going on?
often I get a shrug and a 'nowt I'm fine comment' I just say 'I'm not fine.' and so on conversation started.

4 At least once a month I make time for just me and him to go out for a meal alone. (Also do same for his younger brother) The first time this happened I was amazed how much he opened up and as telling me funny stuff from school and stuff that was going on. I let him order the food, I gave him money to pay the bill and let him work out the tip. We giggled about all sorts. I'm not saying the strops have stopped but life is a lot easier.

5 I stop to think to see if I am being unreasonable if so I back off. That said if he is just being a pain in the arse he gets it!! I noticed that I was fed up of my own voice nagging - if I am they must be too!

Do you know Labydo... I think sometimes parents forget how much pressure young people are under at time. I know I do. Before school holidays DS was getting very stressed and I thought here we go again but his head looked like it was about to explode. He couldn't get his words out faster enough. He didn't know what he wanted to do when he left school was the crux of it!! He was 12 at the time. He didn't think he was clever enough for uni (I've never even mentioned uni!!) Teachers wanted him to go to 6th form. He was year 8!!!! They have so much to take in from school, their peers, their parents expectaions, media images etc no wonder they get narked!!

Take it easy and I'm sure it will work itself out just fine.

I know this is all about me but I'm trying to make the point that I can relate to your situation and show somethings that have worked.

DH solved the door slamming thing in our house One of our rules is if you can play with it nicely then it goes away.

The dd's bedroom door was confiscated for about 6 months when they were younger

They're much nicer to it now it's back!

One thing I've done with my DD (age 12 and been a stroppy mare since she was about 9) is give her a notebook (a pretty pink sparkly one!) and I have told her that if there is anything she wants to tell me but would find it embarrassing or she thinks I would get angry about it, she should write it down and I will read it when she's not around. We can then discuss it at a time when we won't be interrupted by the other DCs. She likes this idea and although it has'nt really lessened her strops at least it will be something we can laugh about when she's older !!

Thank you so much for starting this thread.

This all could have been written by me this week. There must be something in the air!!!

I feel so reassured that there is nothing wrong; it's normal and it will be fine.

Like you Labra, I fret about it constantly, and wonder what I have done wrong.

I really appreciate all the comments from those of you who have come out of the other side.

I also appreciate it. Upahill there is some great advice. Also I like the idea of the notebook big momma.

Sometimes I forget that because my daughter hasn't started her periods, it doesn't mean the hormones aren't raging around.

I do wish we could confiscate the door. But I think we'd have to confiscate every door in the house!

thankyou every one, this has put it into perspective and understand its a phase. Dont know why im so hard on myself, its not going to help and i need to be stronger.

I really appreciate the suggestions and its given me alot of food for thought. Wish you lot lived in my street!!!

thankyou thankyou. i feel normal now