Advice needed for "Tweenager" dd 11

[labradoodley]

I need advice. My dd11 has reduced me to tears twice this week and its usually in the mornings before she goes to school. Shes doing ok at school, has some nice friends, on top of homework and has support from us in everything she does. She goes to Guides, loves gymnastics but is not spoilt as we dont have to money to spoil her and she understands this.

But the way she speaks to me is disgusting half the time and she slams doors in my face.
She has always been "sensitive" shall we say but the last few months its almost as if she wants to "create" a situation and has caused big rows between me and dh sometimes. She is a beautiful, creative, loving child but sometimes she makes me feel as if im the worse person in the world. .

So far shes lost her computer time (loves MSN) and when she comes home this evening i will inform her she has lost her pocket money. But i need to say something to her without getting angry to make her realise how upset shes making me. Im crying as i write this because i love her so much but feel im losing her already.

I second the notebook idea, we do this except it's personal to her, I don't read it unless she asks me to. That way she can say what she likes with no comeback, get it out of her system, and she can go back and read it later and she'll know if she needs to talk to someone about it.

I feel your pain. I have a tweenager and a full blown version too!

We have a sort of reward pocket money system for our DD1. We start with £1 and she can earn 50p a day by behaving or lose 50p if she is rude. I give her two warnings about shouting at me/ stropping/ being obnoxious/ rude and then the money goes. If it continues then MSN goes and she has to earn it back (but never the same day.)

I have been known to confiscate everything (phone, ipod, computer, friends)when she really over steps the mark and this is very effective.

Hormones do have a part to play in this- I always cut her a bit of slack when her period is due but they do have to learn some aspect of self control so remaining quite firm although sympathetic is very important.

I really like the notebook idea might try that for my younger DD.

i purchased the book Get Out of My Life(but first take me and alex into town) and its very helpful. Made me realise that my dd behaviour is 100% normal and the beginning of adolescence. I feel releived in a way (although things are still around the same) that no, its not personnaly about me. One sentence really helped and that was to have confidence in my parenting and to remind her that i am the best person for the job of her mum and yes, i could be wrong sometimes but i will make decisions on my judgement. I recomend this book to anyone with a ds or dd age 11 up.

Agree this behaviour is largely hormone driven so it isn't great for you but it isn't great for her either.

I have just ordered this book too.! Lucky for me it is dh who gets the worst of my 11 year olds behaviour, I tell him it is normal but he doesn't believe me. Hopefully this book will help him to see it is. Thank you for suggesting it.

Am joining you all too and gonna show this thread to DP later. Ours is nearly 13 now, OMG she is so baaaaad sometimes. I also have a 2.6 year old, so have terrible twos to deal with too. I might habve a look at that book as well. Blimey, there is gonna be a surge in orders cos of this thread.

mine is the same, she's almost 15 and i have a dd2 aged just 2.
It is like having 2 toddlers, have told dp if i am not in he has to feed BOTH of them,Send BOTH of them to bed and make BOTH of them bathe-and they are both prone to tantrums.
It's shit-i am waiting for it to pass.
Are you on 'barefaced lies' and 'things i don't actually want to do but know you'll say no to so we can fight about it?' yet???

hello all again -- think I might order it too!

tsc -- that rings a bell "things I don't actually want to do.." oh gawd yes

as in, the most extraordinary requests that can't possibly be accepted -- she knows she will get a No, which results in a sort of "oh just nail me to a cross and set fire to me why don't you" sort of attitude

mine started asking for piercings/tattoos etc etc she actually faints at the sight of a needle so we knew it was never going to happen. anyway,we've started a policy of just saying 'yes' to most things ie 'mum,i am going to Tenerife when i am 16 to work as a stripper' 'yes-that sounds great dear, do get an apartment we can all stay in'

Ps she actually went for her piercing,green at the gills and shaking (after we'd said 'yes-i've always wanted my lip pierced too dear it looks lovely' anyway-she went and like they all decided it was a rip off and erm the guy looked like dodgy and stuff so they thought 'no way'
doubt she ever set foot through the door-just wanted the row

lol I like the technique but weren't you worried she would go through with it out of stubbornness

it feels like I gave birth to a mule

no-she was shitting herself about it. i think she was waiting for me to say 'only joking-you aren't allowed' and save her from having to go through with it!
mine's stubborn,but not that stubborn she'd let someone pierce/inject her!

i took on some on the advice from the book and its having a positive impact. she even said "thankyou for a lovely day" to me this evening! flippin hell i nearly fell over. I know there will be times when hormones take over but im so happy this evening, its the first saturday in months not spent rowing

Thanks for this thread Labra, have been going crazy with 11yr old DD but this helps to know it's not just me. Love the door removing idea!