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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD does nothing EXCEPT go on her computer...AAARRRHHHHHH

28 replies

ringingthechanges · 09/09/2009 21:16

Its driving me nuts. DD spends ALL her spare time on facebook,itunes,msn. She has zero conversation and quite frankly is boring. I know I could take away the computer or limit her time but does anyone elses child spend ALL their time on computers and have NO OTHER interest. Is this normal? She is 14. BTW, no matter what suggestions I offer as an alternative it is always met with negative response.

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 09/09/2009 21:25

DD would spend all her time on her computer if I let her, but she can't. It's got an time limit on it and it switches itself off, when I say so!

She listens to her music, potters in her bedroom, studys. (Not swatty studying, she is a diver, so it's a choice)

Your DD will always come up with a negative response, because she's 14! That's what they do!! You need to get tough. Don't suggest things. You are the ememy and nothing mum says will be any fun what-so-ever. (And even if it is, she won't admit it to you!!)

Tell her the new rules and challenge her to find something else to do. She will huff and puff for a while, but she'll find something to entertain herself eventually.

Georgimama · 09/09/2009 21:27

No good asking us. We're all addicted to MN.

ra29needsabettername · 09/09/2009 21:29

ds has other interests- playstation and xbox ...

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/09/2009 21:29

Agree, you do need to limit it. If I left dd to her own devices she would go on facebook all day long.

Luckily she is into sport so she is out of the house a lot practising, playing matches etc. But, at home her default position is on the laptop.

I do limit it at night, she has chores to help with. If she has been on it enough I say 'right, that's it, of you get' - she huffs and puffs but complies. She keeps her laptop in another room at night so she is not tempted to go on it in the night.

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/09/2009 21:30

Lol Georgimama. How true

random · 09/09/2009 21:32

Sounds normal to me .....

Original poster
ringingthechanges · 09/09/2009 21:36

Georgimama, yes, point taken, I too am quite addicted to laptop. {blush}

OP posts:
ilovepiccolina · 09/09/2009 21:38

I don't know if it's normal but my DD is exactly the same. She's not sporty and has virtually given up reading and even TV since she got a laptop last year. She's 15.

We live out in the sticks so I tell myself that it's compensation for not having any mates around. Also, if I tell her to get off it she says "But I was just about to do my homework!"

So we're in the same club! A new horror this year was that our holiday house had a computer which someone had 'thoughtfully' set up for us. The dch spent all their time on it and I got hourly updates on what was happening back home. Briliant.

ADifferentMe · 10/09/2009 12:01

I get the homework excuse too so I block Facebook and YouTube while she's doing it. Haven't worked out how to block MSN though!

DD is nearly 16 and has been known to come down at 3am to use Facebook, so our PC is now passworded so she can't get on it at all without me

MitchyInge · 10/09/2009 12:06

she can't possibly have no interests/activities beyond the pc - all that yakking on msn must be about something? does she read? write? draw? play an instrument? ride? sew? do you have any pets? does she go shopping with her friends?

Original poster
ringingthechanges · 10/09/2009 15:12

ADifferentMe, oh thats just awful, thankfully DD isnt that bad 'yet' and hopefully wont be. She has a very very long school day and gets home at 7pm so I can understand her just wanting to 'chill', but facebook ALL evening??? No MitchyInge, she really doesnt have any other interests at all and that saddens me greatly. If she continues like this I fear she will become a very boring person with nothing to talk about. She is shy as it is, so this isolation on the laptop is so not good.

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 10/09/2009 19:45

Is it possible she's depressed? Would she be mortified to join you in any of your hobbies/activities - tennis club or something like that?

GrinnyPig · 11/09/2009 09:11

Well if she doesn't home home from school until 7pm she's not really spending all her time on the computer. What does she do at school until that time? Has she had dinner by the time she comes home? My DD is 15 and does things a few evenings a week, but if she didn't come home from school until 7pm she wouldn't be able to.

Original poster
ringingthechanges · 11/09/2009 09:33

No she is not depressed, she is just not interested in anything. I have offered for her to try so many different activites over the year and all have been refused, I think a lot of that is because she is shy to meet new people. She has dinner when she gets home. She has done half her homework at school, prep finishes at 6.30pm, the official home time

OP posts:
GrinnyPig · 11/09/2009 09:39

If she's not coming home until 7pm and then still has to have dinner I can't really see that she has much time to do anything. Assuming she goes to bed by about 10.00. Is there an option for her to come home from school a bit earlier at least once a week so that she could do something. Sounds like too much school to me.

missingtheaction · 11/09/2009 09:42

ds is like this - is 19 and has been addicted since before I knew what a console was. But has always been at the aspergers end of the spectrum; and he doesn't drink or smoke or party or cause trouble. Basically it's what he likes doing. DD is similarish but plays a lot of sport and does some hanging out (monging I believe the term is) with her friends too.

They both have quite extensive networks of online friends they chat to

DD asked me just yesterday 'mum what did you do when you were my age' and I couldn't really remember. No pc of course, not much tv, no money and not much in the way of shops, lived in a small village with no same-age friends. I did a lot of reading and hung out with friends at their houses. But what DID I do?

BrigitBigKnickers · 11/09/2009 19:48

We have a time limit on DDs PC and she would spend longer on there given half a chance but she has other interests such as playing the guitar and is passionate about her dancing (6 classes a week!)so I don't worry that much about it.

CybilLiberty · 11/09/2009 19:51

ringingthechanges you could be me.

We bought dd (14 next week) a laptop for her birthday last year, thinking we were hip, generous presents. What a pain.

I have just rearranged her room to stop her lying flat on her bed with her legs up, with her lap top balanced on her stomach. SHe is a strong healthy girl yet was behaving like a TB patient in quarantine. She would spend hours in this strange position, then complain of back ache.

I am limiting the amount of time she spends on it now. She is retreating too much into cyber world, to the extent that she doesn't ring her friends and actually talk to them (too scary). Plus she can NVER hear me when I yell up the stairs for tea. [grr]

Original poster
ringingthechanges · 11/09/2009 22:13

CybilLiberty, great name. My DD too also would rather spend time on laptop than actually telephone, also shy and this is easier. Guess I wouldn't be too concerned about her laptop activity IF she had had other interests. Oh well, I guess I shouldnt worry too much afterall, as I said she doesnt get home from school until 7 and schools most of saturday too, on reflection, when I read this myself I can see that she doesnt actually HAVE much time for the computer.

OP posts:
CybilLiberty · 11/09/2009 22:14

My dd is just getting into drama which I am really pleased about. It means she has to talk to real life humans!

Barrelofloves · 11/09/2009 22:31

I can't believe your daughter is like that but it seems to be quite common, almost like a retirement home only the inmates are young and able bodied but choose not to do anything. How tragic.

But then it's wind down time after a busy day at school. If she was like that throughout the holidays and w/ends too it would be more tragic.

My dds are not like that at all although they do have laptops, enjoy MSN, listening to music etc. Quite frankly I would be horrified if my dds wasted their lives away but 'wind down time' of course is important.

My dds are creative (we always make each other birthday cards etc) have an arts and craft table at home, pick fruit and veg in season or help choose what to plant, look after and cuddle their pets and baby brother, cook, tidy up, read, write stories, go on cycle rides, go horse riding, swim, go on walks, have sleepovers, meet up with friends, participate in athletic clubs and sometimes compete, go to museums and other special events which interest them. As well as the usual, watch tv, practice makeovers, dance moves, play musical instruments, and lots of make believe stuff in their den in the woods.

All pretty normal I'd say!

ra29needsabettername · 12/09/2009 09:31

how old are your dds barrel? They dont sound the same age as ops dd.

When she is on her laptop she is not doing nothing. I woud be interested in what is interesting her so much. My ds discusses everything online from derren brown to communism! Of course he also does lots of one word and emoticon commnicating on msn!

He is on it too much i think but i dont think of it as a waste of time. It s just another (and new) way for teenagers to find out about the world and themselves.

Barrelofloves · 12/09/2009 16:31

14, 13, 11

jellybeans · 12/09/2009 23:34

My 13 year old is the same, would be on all day if I let her. I limit it and then she actually reads etc or plays out... otherwise she would be on it all day. I think 1-2 hours a day is plenty and I don't let her on at all if she has been badly behaved. I see it as a reward and not a right, other than doing homework of course!

WebDude · 13/09/2009 00:20

I was going to suggest some ways to block things like MSN Messenger, but there are wayus around pretty much everything, apart from putting your broadband connection on a timer so it is definitely off overnight.

Some routers include 'user profiles' and on one of them I have set up limits so that Sunday to Thursday it would block internet access from 23:00 until about 6:30 next morning, something like 01:00 Friday and Saturday (which meant even a sleepover would have a timed cut-off).

It only affected connection from the two lads PCs - there was nothing on the PCs that needed to be done, and while it would have been possible to avoid the restriction, it would be impossible to hide (and I never needed to explain how it was done anyway), so even the parents could not adjust it - they didn't mind, just asked me to set it up, and perhaps felt happy that there was little guarantee I'd be willing to adjust it at midnight on a Saturday. for example.

However it is a lot less flexible than carrot and stick methods to alter behaviour a bit.

Even though I'm sometimes online for 18 to 72 hours in a session (with minor breaks for a cuppa and some food, etc), I've been using computers for 32 years and recently spend 15 months with no internet access at home, and didn't climb the walls and go down the other side, but yes, I do need to lose a couple of stone, so I too should do more exercise!

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