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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Just found my 12 yr old dd's stash of shoplifted earings!!

39 replies

babalon · 13/04/2009 11:40

I've suspected in the past the dd has taken sweets from thge shop on the way home from school but never had any proof she said a friend brought it etc.

I've just been tidying her room and found all her writing notlets out of there box so went to put them back in ans found nearly £100 pounds worth of earring from claires! DD doesn't even have her ear peirced.

I've been letting her go up town during over the last month with her friends I suspect the friend have been doing it too.

DD is at my parents house and I need to figure out how to handle this before I pick her up

OP posts:
cariboo · 13/04/2009 11:49

Okay - deep breath! When I was 13, I remember my bf & I stole a few things (a stuffed parrot from the toy dept, a t-shirt I desperately wanted but couldn't afford) & my mum, bless 'er, marched us straight down to the shop & made us give the stuff back, explain why we had done what we did and, most important, that we promised never to do it again. It was excruciating; I never forgot the agony of having to take the stuff back and confess to some boot of a shop manager but I never stole anything again.

Maybe things are different now; I hope kids don't get "done" if they return the stolen goods & apologise but it did work for me at the time. Actions have consequences, etc.

Good luck! xx

GypsyMoth · 13/04/2009 11:52

Is she keeping it for a friend? Why shoplift something that's no use to her? Not sure what's going on with her but you def need to get to the bottom of it!

ChocolateEggMayorNaze · 13/04/2009 11:59

keep calm.

i know that is easy to say, I would be raging. but keep calm. remove the evidence so she can't go and hide it or get rid of them.

ask her straight out to explain what she is doing with them and see what she says...

Daisymoosteiner · 13/04/2009 12:06

I would be sorely tempted to take all the earrings and say nothing just to see her sweat when she realises they're gone and can't work out who's taken them. Probably not a very mature parenting strategy though

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/04/2009 12:30

Remove the earrings, pick her up and don't mention anything until you get home. You need to confront her and make sure that there is not some other reason, maybe she didn't steal them, maybe she is being bullied.

If she did take them, I would take her to the shop and make her hand them back face to face and apologise.

Stay calm.

babalon · 13/04/2009 13:14

I have removed the earrings. She has definately stollen them there is no way she has brought them/ been given them there are 16 packets (you know the cards with several pairs on) still with prices on not in the sale there is 91.50 worth of them!

I would make her take them to the shop but will she get in formal trouble? DH not being much help says he doesn't know what to do either.

Don't know if I ring the police station they could advise. This really has to stop

Thanks for replies so far

OP posts:
mablemurple · 13/04/2009 13:34

Can you ring the shop and ask them what their response would be if your daughter gave the earrings back? You could withhold your number so they couldn't call you back.

frogs · 13/04/2009 13:47

Okay. This is Not Good and she needs to know that. But for your own sanity preservation, remind yourself (not her, obv) that it is (only) a property crime, she hasn't attacked anybody, conducted a cyberbullying campaign or been secretly taking drugs, so it's not the end of the world as we know it.

I'd guess the reason she's been doing it is because she can the shop is there, she passes it regularly and she's got away with it once so why not keep going. It's presumably only partly about the actual earrings if she really really longed for particular earrings she'd have nicked a few pairs, but not that many. Maybe she's getting a buzz out of it? Does she have friends who might be encouraging her or daring her to do it? You do get an adrenaline high from shoplifting [memories of teenage attempts to nick picknmix from Woolies, and Rimmel lipsticks from Boots...]. Does she get pocket money/allowance? If she had really wanted earrings, could she have bought them herself, or asked you to get them? Is she desperate to get her ears pierced but hasn't found a way of talking to you about it? I think if you can try and figure out what's going on in her head (and sometimes that's really hard, lol) it will help you decide how to play it.

Assuming that she does have the means to buy stuff occasionally (ie. she hasn't nicked them just because she has no legitimate means of getting her hands on cool stuff she wants) and she isn't being pressured or bullied into it, then I'd probably do something like this (my dd1 is 14 btw):

DON'T say anything in the car. Get her home, do cup of tea, whatever, make sure there aren't any brothers or sisters around. Then do the "I need to have a talk with you" routine, tell her what you've found and ask her to tell you what's going on. Don't enter into discussions if she comes up with daft excuses and don't get angry, just be serious. Explain that it's stealing, it's a crime, she could get a criminal record which might prevent her getting a good job (or even a holiday job). Whatever it was that made her do it (wanting the earrings, wanting her ears pierced, being bored, wanting to show off to her friends, whatever), stealing is never a good solution to that. Keep repeating that if she wants stuff she needs to come to you and talk about it sensibly.

I would seriously consider making her take it back to the shop and apologise to the shopkeeper, but you would need to play that one by ear. I don't think she'd get into trouble with the law for returning stuff she'd nicked, though presumably the shop staff will be keeping a v. close eye on her in the future, which could work to your advantage.

And don't panic, teenagers and kids nicking things from shops is incredibly common. There's no point going nuclear, but you do need to make it very clear that it's not okay and mustn't happen again.

bubblerock · 13/04/2009 14:18

Gosh, tricky situation, I know this sounds silly, but it's a shame she didn't get caught (if she did it) - my step daughter was caught recently and put in a cell for 6 hours, it scared the hell out of her and she swears she will never do it again - lets hope so!

nappyaddict · 13/04/2009 16:18

I would make her take them back.

Northernlurker · 13/04/2009 16:39

I would take them back with her. She has to see that there are consequences to this sort of thing and not very nice consequences at that! I would want to be sure though that there isn't more to this than meets the eye though - she obviously can't wear these so what made her pick on them to steal??

nickschick · 13/04/2009 16:47

I wouldnt make her take them back,I wouldnt want her being 'watched' every time she went into Claires but what I would do is say that a 'friend' of yours who just so happens to work at the police station recognised your dd from the shops security camera and has told you if she doesnt steal anything else your friend is willing to let it go but should she get caught stealing then this will have to be recognised too.

Then I would ring Claires up and tell them you found these earings(not in dds room) and what should you do? they may well say to dispose of them as earings are non returnable unless faulty, for hygeine reasons.

Thats what I would do.

nappyaddict · 13/04/2009 16:49

I would maybe take them back to a different Claire's. I don't know.

nickschick · 13/04/2009 16:51

Be careful tho cos you dont want your dd 'branded' for a stupid thing.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 13/04/2009 16:54

I think you should take her to the local police station as she has been stealing.

They will deal with her appropriate to her age.

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 16:58

oh frogs advice good I think

I would take her back to the shop with them tbh

(might be worth asking who was with her because I doubt she did this on her own either and perhaps you and the other parents need to have words about all of you keeping an eye on them)

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 16:59

oh and hope you have a large glass of wine tonight

blardy children, will turn us all white haired well before our years!

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 13/04/2009 17:00

If one of my children did this, I would frogmarch them to the shop and they would face the consequences of their actions.

At the age of 12, she is hardly likely to go to jail! but a short sharp shock may be what's needed - because if she carries on like this - what next? It may be a phase, it may be peer pressure, but it may be a slippery slope. You have to scare her (imo, I can see many people feel differently though ) for her own good. She's 12. What about when she's 15, 18? If she's still doing it then she'll be in much worse trouble.

And maybe she WANTS you to find out, and stop it. Maybe she's out of her depth.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 13/04/2009 21:52

But why would you not want her watched? She may have simply been stupid but she still stole the bloody things! She should have to face whatever happens, because she stole them!

cariboo · 13/04/2009 22:32

After reading through everyone's comments (v. sensible!), I can only add don't lie to her. If she finds out that you've made up some story about her being caught on camera or something similar, if she should find out that you were lying, you'd lose all credibility.

You could show her this thread!

babalon · 14/04/2009 13:00

Thankyou so much for the replies.
I confronted DD with the earings and she admitted they were stolen. I asked why, just got the 'don't know' treatment. I asked why when she hadn't even got her ears peirced and she said it was for when she had.

Did all the stealing is wrong you will get a record etc.My friends brother is a community bobby so he's going to find out if he can arrange something.

I'm going to take the earings back to claires I think and tell DD she is barred for 6 months and they have her photo that I've given them. I'm understand cariboo on the not lying to her front but this is something she can't find out about and will be far to scared to test.

The reins have been well and truely pulled in she isn't allowed up town with friends for the forseeable future and is grounded for a month. I really wish she had got caught can hardly beleive she hadn't the amount of stuff there is

Feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with her because she was upset when I was telling her off but doesn't seem bothered today.

Please tell me if you think my plan of action is crap

OP posts:
SheherazadetheGoat · 14/04/2009 13:04

she should come with you when you return them

WhoTookMyMemoryStick · 14/04/2009 13:05

She should take them back and you should make her. There hasn't actually been a consequence to her stealing, has there? Saying that she's banned from a shop isn't much of a punsihment is it?

Slambang · 14/04/2009 13:08

Oh well done Babalon. Sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. DD might be acting like she doesn't care today but next time her friends ask her to come in to town and she's not allowed I bet she will care then.

If you don't want her to take the earrings back herself then what about making her write a letter of apology to give them when you take them back?

lljkk · 14/04/2009 13:09

I also think she should come with you for the return. This will embarrass the cr*p out of her and of her own volition she will probably never set foot in there again. She will temporarily hate you for it, but she will thank you one day for shocking her out of a bad habit.

Speaking as someone who was a bit light-fingered as a teen myself; that would have been the most effective thing my mother could have done. No other punishment needed. Not even a harsh tone of voice needed from you, just sheer determination on your part to make her go in and face them.