DD 13y, secretive texting. WWYD?

[theheadgirl]

Help. I'm feeling really upset and out of my depth here. DD1 who is 13, has begun being very secretive about texting. I agree with her that she should have some privacy, but felt concerned. Acouple of days ago she left her phone around with a message open. It was from someone she'd named "XXX" and I could see they'd said "love you too". I didn't read more at the time, but asked her about it. She told me it was just a girl from school, became a bit hysterical, and promised it wasn't a boy. Incidentally, I wouldn't mind if it was a boy, I just think she's too young to be mixing with/ contacting people who I don't know. Anyway today, she left her phone around again, and its clear that it is a boy, and one who she's never met. Obviously, this is very concerning. My ExH thinks that as DD1 is not so secretive as to completely hide her phone, then we should just monitor the situation from a distance without her knowing. Also, he thinks we should try ringing the number. Part of me agrees with him, I don't want to dive in an ruin any sort of trust we have, but then I don't want her to be in any danger. Am feeling sick at the thought of all this. Any thought wise MNer's?

I think your concerns for her safety outweigh her concerns re your apparent lack of trust. You need a full and frank discussion - preferably you and your ex - with her. Explain that you saw the message, spell out why you're worried, don't be angry, just ask for reassurance that she's talking to a teenage boy and not a 40 year old trucker. Make sure she realises you don't mind if it is a boy, and maybe offer to help arrange for them to meet up - that might make her more likely for her to spill the beans.

If she was 16 I might feel differently re the whole trust/reading texts thing, but at 13 she is so vulnerable still. Just be honest with her, but helpful as well.

Thanks hassled, you're right, her safety is paramount. Part of me wonders if its just a game for her too, and that she's pretending to be a different person herself through these texts. She hasn't so far started going anywhere where I wouldn't know where or who she's with, but my imagination can see where this could potentially go

Scary thing is that even if she thinks it is a boy her age it may not be if they haven't met. I would ring the number I think. Ring from a landline and if a young boy/girl answers then it could all be OK (and you could pretend to be a wrong number) but if a grown man answers then you need a serious talk.

Thanks buda, thats something I will do. Have tried it so far with a 141 in front of our number, but there's been no answer. The problem is I'm someone who rushes in and tries to sort out problems immediately. And whilst there's no way I'm letting her carry on with this unless I get to the bottom of it all, I think I need to act calmly and with discretion. Not easy for someone like me. I want it sorted now!!!

Im sorry, but I would come down like a ton of bricks ok this one...no phone back until she can be trusted, no msn etc. She is too young to "date" beyond a burger with a group of friends on a Saturday morning or similar, when you know where she is and when she'll be back. I think you need to have a very heavy big guns talk including your dh about the dangers of the Internet etc (show her BatmansWilly's thread "axe-murderer" in active convos if you can) and grooming, and be the adult here...she is not your friend, and you won't be popular, but you need to show her you care about keeping her safe and not allowing her to get into situations she lacks the maturity to handle.

Just my tuppenceworth, but you have to be bossy sometimes- 13 is still very young. I would say different if she was 16, but she isn't.

And re the trust thing- she hasn't earned it, because she has LIED about it. That alone means you should be removing privileges and reading the riot act IMO.

But that is what I would do with my dd, who is 12.

I see the sense in what you're saying BOF. But I'm concerned about driving her to find ways of being more devious. At the moment she doesn't know I know IYSWIM. And she has already lied to me, which I didn't think she would do
If I rush in and just go straight for the riot act I'm worried about what behaviour this will lead to.
This is helpful, thank you. I see its not breaking any trust that worries me, but what behaviour then comes next if I confront whats happened in the "wrong" way.

Trust me, terrify the beejaysus out of her with your wrath and ground her, no phone, nothing. You are still in charge, don't be scared of her- you can be bigger, uglier and more devious if necessary. God, I am so like my own mother ...but hey, I stayed in one piece as a teenager, so she did something right!

i'm with bof

I third BOF

What sort of contract does she have?

Get the number and see how many messages are going backwards and forwards... what times... length of calls... etc.,

I would be tempted to call the number too... Just to check facts (or at least see who answers)

Beyond that, I agree with BoF... We recently read the riot act to DSD1 for lying. Nothing terrible, really, and we were going on a hunch as we didn't really have any firm evidence (all anecdotal, if you will) but she HAD lied to us, knew she'd been busted and KNOWS that good times are OVER if she ever does it again. In some ways, I'm glad we tackled it as soon as we did (she was sure she'd gotten away with it.. it gave her one helluva shock to realise we knew exactly what she'd been up to!)

GOod luck. 13 IS still very young.

My ds is 14 nearly 15 and his friends girls and boys always sign off like that on msn and texts.they all say i love you all the time and hug each other etc and it is all innocent,.I would not come down on her like a ton of bricks or she will never feel she can approach you about stuff as she gets older.Just a casual chat is enough

Nope- I would still use Robert DeNiro from
Meet The Parents as my guru in this...

I do that to ds!

thanks everyone. contact so far with this person is just texts, but lots of them. No calls. Again, I don't know how or where she could call, unless its from school. she shares a room with her 11yo sister.

No one's answering the number so far, but then again I'm concealing my number.

Privacy issues don't come into it at her age; this is potentially too serious to just monitor from afar. She is 13 and still a child. Many teens can be manipulated in such a manner often without them themselves realising. They may think they're smart but they don't really have any life experience or street smarts whatsoever.

Call me old as well but why does a 13 year old actually need a phone anyway?. She is not responsible enough to use such an item; her mobile phone number is a precious thing, she should not go around giving it to people so freely.

What sort of contract is on this?. Can you work it with the phone co so that this phone of her can only do outgoing calls?. I would look into doing this asap and block XXX number. You paid for the phone and her calls, its your phone ultimately.

I think the three of you need to have an honest discussion about the texting. Her phone was on open display and you saw the message. You need to know who XXX actually is - she may think he's a teen but actually this person could be far older. She's not to know is she?. 13 is still a vulnerable age (as I would argue is 16 as well) and a lot of teens get caught up unwittingly in such situations due to their own naiveity.

BTW if she's got a computer/laptop in her room I'd remove it and then block all access to the social networking websites. If you don't know how to do it find someone who does.

Attila, I wish you had been around a few months ago when I got an absolute pasting on here for having the cheek to monitor my DD13's MSN chats and emails.

It wasn't pretty

I was pretty much accused of being controlling, and told I didn't have the right to invade my daughters privacy

AF, I NEVER checked my 13 yr old ds's phone, MSN messages or quizzed him about who he saw after school, what he was doing etc. Until recently, I treated him more like an adult. Until he was brought back at 6am by the police, until he failed loads of subjects at school, until I discovered that he was on internet til 4am on a school night on a regular basis. Then I can assure you, I checked (and am still checking) much much, more. He is still grounded one month on and lost his phone and laptop for 2 weeks. Funnily, we have got on much better since and he doesn't seem to resent me for it.

Attila, can I just say that kids know all about unblocking blocked sites. My ds know loads more than me about techie stuff which is why I had to take away his laptop altogether

Well it seems I would not have been liked very much. There has to be a balance here between child and parents and its a fine line to tread. But parents should have the final say; they are the adults after all.

On a slightly different tack here I would argue that the issues below as well need to be addressed by parents long before the teenage years are reached.

Technology can be dangerous as well as great; I sincerely feel that many teens are naive at best when it comes to using such technology. They can text, surf the net using the phone and use such an item to take photos but many of them do not think about the safety implications of giving out their number to all and sundry. They think that trouble happens to somebody else. Well no actually.

Children should be encouraged to speak openly about who they are in contact with.
Educate them about not giving out personal details to strangers.

Buy your child a phone with the basic text and calling facility rather than all the latest smart phone functionality. But how many parents actually do this.

Opt for a pay as you go phone rather than contract. This way you can keep tabs on how much they are spending.

Protect them from thieves by encouraging them to keep their phone hidden whilst in public.

Hi oxocube

Am glad your son learnt his lesson albeit the hard way. It was a tough lesson for you to learn as well. You bought the phone and laptop originally for him - its your property ultimately. If it is misused you have every right to take it away and am glad you did. I would personally not ever return the laptop; he has lost the right to own one of those, he has shown he is not responsible enough.

I would argue that many parents do not have the computer know how to properly block many social networking sites in the first place. Many sites thus remain unblocked within the home. There are ways of completely blocking such sites; many employers block such sites successfully to their employees.

oxo, with hindsight do you wish you had monitored his usage a bit more closely before it got to that stage?

you see, I don't read everything my dd does, its more like an occasional nosy at the tone of stuff, and to see if, on the whole, she is being truthful about who she is with and where she goes

it has a downside of course, when I find things like "I fucking hate my mum" etc but I would never pull her up on anything, more use any info to "guide" a discussion or veto a trip somewhere

eg. I know she is coming under a lot of pressure to go to the nearest big town with some undesirables

at the moment, she is allowed to the nearset "small" town with friends that I know

on MSN, I found some "well, tell your mum you are going to X, and we will do Y"

I also discovered some "I'll tell my mum I am sleeping at yours, you tell yours you are sleeping at mine and we will stay out all night"

so, I found another reason why she couldn't go out those times and, at an opportune moment, had the "truth, honesty and freedom" chat

sometimes, I think teenagers want you to rescue them from these situations, just like your ds did oxo

i will probably get a kicking now then, for saying i still do similar things for dd1 when she is in trouble and she is almost 17

recently she was grounded , had her phone and internet privileges taken away, and was told if she didnt like it she was old enough to go in the big wide world and try to survive on her ownsome

she has only just won back everything i took away from her after 2 weeks

lou, I don't blame you, I am kicked black and blue from the last time

I would like to think there was an age where I would stop snooping on DD, but I don't know

I think it would depend on what was happening in her life and if I had any specific concerns

The laptop is actually school property - all the kids at his school were given a new Apple in the first week of school. All his homework is done either on it or using it! At first I was okay with this thinking 'my son is responsible, is mature etc etc'. It was bollox really. He is a lovely kid but just got in with a new crowd, and made some bad decisions, some of which could have backfired v badly and potentially put him in a lot of danger.

Its easy with hindsight to say I wish I had done X,Y,Z but actually, I think parenting teens is as much a learning curve for the parent as for the child. My ds is now doing much better at school, I have better communication with his teachers and the Head of Year, and we have regained that closeness which we lost for a couple of months. I have learned lots recently - that I can't chose ds's friends and I have to respect that all of my values and interests are not going to be the same as his, that I still need to help and guide him with school work, and that basically, he needs a mum, not another mate.

AF, the 'tell your mum you are staying at mine etc' was one of the things ds did then buggered off into Amsterdam with a 12 yr old female friend whose mum had no idea where she was and almost called the police. I went ape over that one as it was potentially so dangerous. He hasn't had any sleepovers since (we said no one tonight actually) but has promised not to do this again. Pretty typical thing to do though I think

ohhh, Amsterdam

scary stuff

yep, am definitely finding parenting a teenager much harder than the early years

I also am pretty convinced that dd will give me a few more years of anxiety, as she tends to be "easily-led" and sees being one of the "in-and-cool-crowd" as a priority over pretty much anything else at the moment

It can only get worse