DD 13y, secretive texting. WWYD?

[theheadgirl]

Help. I'm feeling really upset and out of my depth here. DD1 who is 13, has begun being very secretive about texting. I agree with her that she should have some privacy, but felt concerned. Acouple of days ago she left her phone around with a message open. It was from someone she'd named "XXX" and I could see they'd said "love you too". I didn't read more at the time, but asked her about it. She told me it was just a girl from school, became a bit hysterical, and promised it wasn't a boy. Incidentally, I wouldn't mind if it was a boy, I just think she's too young to be mixing with/ contacting people who I don't know. Anyway today, she left her phone around again, and its clear that it is a boy, and one who she's never met. Obviously, this is very concerning. My ExH thinks that as DD1 is not so secretive as to completely hide her phone, then we should just monitor the situation from a distance without her knowing. Also, he thinks we should try ringing the number. Part of me agrees with him, I don't want to dive in an ruin any sort of trust we have, but then I don't want her to be in any danger. Am feeling sick at the thought of all this. Any thought wise MNer's?

Should say AF that we do live in Holland so its bad but not as bad as it sounds! He didn't book a flight or anything

I kinda guessed that oxo {grin]

but I have been to Amsterdam, and I still say that is scary

I would be worried if one of my dds became secretive about texting. I'd sit down with her and tell her I wanted to see her texts and I wanted to see her address book.

Too many parents are pretty naive about what their teenagers - and their much younger children - could be getting up to via texts, gaming sites, accessing blocked sites, etc.

thanks to everyone who posted. An update:

My evening last night involved a confrontation, hysterical crying, confession, phone confiscation, internet limitation, promises, warnings, calming down. I am absolutely drained. Turns out she had given her mobile number and first name to someone online (am floored by this, she had been warned about it so many times) and she was pretending to be someone she's not. (told him she was 15, he said he was 18, I suspect he was lying too) I don't think she ever had any intention of taking it further, but was definitely out of her depth.

Happy Mothers day folk, it never gets easier xx

You did the right thing sweetheart...Robert DeNiro from now on, yes? < passes chocolate >

Oh yes..... I'm watching her alright!

ohhh, headgirl, kinda scary yes?

just be glad you stopped it before it potentially went further

< sticks two fingers up at all the doubters who think it is an invasion of privacy to check up on your 13 yo dd >

there! ya see? disaster averted, everybody safe and happy (if a bit shook up)

I'm with AF on this.

Yesterday, my DP discovered that DD (12) had been receiving loads of pornographic spam via a boy from her class she had been chatting to on MSN basically because he had a virus on his PC.

It wasn't her fault, but it was the kind of stuff you really don't want your child to see at the age of 12. It's not the boy's fault either.

Had my DP not been checking her MSN chat, we wouldn't have known.

I'm all for rights to privacy, but not when it involves Internet, mobile phones, etc. Diaries and letters are a different thing entirely.

To the OP - I'm glad you are managing to sort out the problem, good luck!

thanks doc

my dd doesn't keep a diary and rarely has need to write letters, so that is a non-issue in our house

The headgirl

Re your comment:-

"My evening last night involved a confrontation, hysterical crying, confession, phone confiscation, internet limitation, promises, warnings, calming down. I am absolutely drained. Turns out she had given her mobile number and first name to someone online (am floored by this, she had been warned about it so many times) and she was pretending to be someone she's not. (told him she was 15, he said he was 18, I suspect he was lying too) I don't think she ever had any intention of taking it further, but was definitely out of her depth".

She fell into the trap that some teens do fall into due to their own naiviety of the wider world. Your DD not just broke but smashed the rules regarding her own internet safety. She must also realise that giving out her phone number and first name to someone online is a complete NO-NO and it is said for good reason.

I hope that she - and by turn yourself - have learnt lessons from all this. You must not be naive when it comes to such technology, if anything you perhaps were too trusting of her before now. Your trust therefore in her will take some time to be rebuilt. She needs to take full responsibility for her actions and there have to be swift consequences.

As I said before at 13 issues of privacy don't come into it. Not when it comes to mobiles, internet usage and social networking sites.

Doubtless as well the "18" year old was also lying about his age and am glad you called time on this when you did. She could have met up with him without you knowing and ultimately could have put herself in real danger. At the very least she could have placed herself in a situation outside her control.

I would not let her have her phone back at all and her internet usage needs to be cut back to the barest minimum with you overseeing her internet time. Where's the computer now - if its in her room (heaven forbid) get it moved into a more central family area.