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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Contraception for 15 yo dd

36 replies

uselessmum18 · 16/03/2009 11:57

Had a bit of a rude awakening. Great open relationship with dd (shortly to be 16), she knows I think she is too young for a sexual relationship, but has been with her 16 yo bf for about 6 months, so said she must talk to me if things moved on so that we could get her protected.

Bf's mum spoke to me last week, to say that they are sleeping together. Disappointed that she hasn't waited (apart from the legalities, why does 16 seem so much better than 15?), and gutted that she didn't talk to me.

Had very sensible conversation with her - although I had to force her to be honest with me. She was embarrassed, felt that she had let us down and that we would hate her . Said that we would have felt much happier had she been mature enough to speak to us, but we are where we are, and we will always love her very much. DH was brilliant - told her that he was disappointed, didn't condone what they were doing (we do like bf very much) but the important thing is that he is not ready to be a grandad!

They are using condoms. My immediate thought was that she should go on the pill, but thinking further about it, she is starting to work seriously on her GCSE revision, and I'm concerned that any hormonal changes may not be good for her.
Is this likely to be a problem? (I realise that pregnancy would throw an even bigger spanner into the works!) Or are there other contraceptive methods that may be better suited to a girl of her age?

Any advice gratefully received! (Name changer btw)

OP posts:

stitchtime · 16/03/2009 12:00

i think condoms are probably the best bet too. unless she also want s to use something like the cap.
i would not advise something like the pill as i think that she may yet not be completely over puberty, so throwing more hormones into the mix may not be such a good idea. if they are happy using condoms, then it is excellent as it will be a good habit as condoms will protect from stds as well.

stitchtime · 16/03/2009 12:01

and you are not uselessmom at all. your dd is talking t oyou. thats more than i ever did with my mom. andshe thought she was a good one. still does.

frumpygrumpy · 16/03/2009 12:04

I don't have advice but I just want to say how fabulously I think you and your DH have handled this. Really well done. Hopefully the embarrassing bit for her has gone now and that she will continue to keep talking with you. Ten out of ten

OnlyWantsOne · 16/03/2009 12:06

I agree with frumpy grumpy

... I would suggest she sees her GP and gets some proper advice

Original poster

uselessmum18 · 16/03/2009 12:09

Difficulty is our GP is a friend! Although I know he's bound by confidentiality etc., he would know, and she has said she doesn't want to talk to him. He can be a little patronizing .

OP posts:

stitchtime · 16/03/2009 12:10

then let her have a different gp.
i would never have gone to the same gp as my parents. not ever. even now, i wouldnt go to someone i actually know socially. regardless of confidentiality

frumpygrumpy · 16/03/2009 12:12

Aw hell. She doesn't need to be made to feel like a kid at this delicate time or all your good work will go out the window. Do you have a family planning clinic nearby? No other doctor at the practice? She could avoid him for ages

Or could you speak with him in advance? His job is surely straightforward once he has assured himself that she knows what she is doing as has discussed it with parents.

frumpygrumpy · 16/03/2009 12:13

good point stitch. And maybe he could even recommend someone. He must understand that she was bound to get to an age where having him as her doctor would be uncomfortable.

Original poster

uselessmum18 · 16/03/2009 12:18

You're absolutely right - a change of gp for her would be the way to go. I suppose it's just a question of whether she needs to do this now, or we wait until after exams, on the basis that they are extremely careful, and if there are any 'accidents', they sort out the 'morning after pill'. Maybe?

Thanks for talking to me - I can't talk to anyone in rl about this - they haven't told anyone except for bf's Mum, who is super, but is obviously closely involved, and I'm struggling to work out where I'm being practical (ie. no pill because of hormones/exams etc., or is it because I want to close my eyes that she's not my baby anymore?!) and when emotional!

I sort of want things to calm down over the next 2/3 months, and then take a longer term view - but is that too big a risk? I mean, is relying on condoms for the next 2/3 months asking too much?

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 16/03/2009 12:23

I think its really sensible. Condoms can be really safe. (DP and me have been using them for years now without problems as I can't get my head around having no more children and its nice to know that should we want to go for it we can be instant ) I think as long as she knows they must check to be sure its in one piece before they dispose of it, then its ok. And yeah, its precisely this situation that the morning after pill is for IMHO. She is mature and happy and I'm really happy for her that her first experience is in such a lovely relationship.

Original poster

uselessmum18 · 16/03/2009 12:26

That's one thing I said to her frumpy - I would rather this happened now, that her feel at 18 her virginity is something to be gotten rid of, and settle for a one night stand type of situation.

She curled up in my lap and hugged me like she was a little girl again though. [happy]

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 16/03/2009 12:35

Oh jeez, why is nature so bloody hard! They give us gorgeous children and they make us let them go. I'm hating it for you. I really am x.

She is one lucky girl (and she always will be your little girl, even when she's 40) to have both her lovely bf and great parents. I was part of the getting rid of it brigade and, although I don't regret it, I do wish my mum had been open and supportive like this. Lots would have been different.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2009 12:36

She can also go to your city's family-planning or sexual health clinic if she prefers to see someone other than her GP for contraceptive advice.

frumpygrumpy · 16/03/2009 12:40

and when I said "getting rid of it" I mean my virginity I practically posted it off on the back of a stuck down envelope

Original poster

uselessmum18 · 16/03/2009 12:55

What's hard is that I really thought I'd got is sussed. I thought she would talk to me. I think it's only been happening for a few weeks, but we talk continually about relationships and being open, but she still didn't come to me. I understand why, but still............

I don't want her to go on the pill and for this relationship to break up say, in the summer, and her then to carry on taking the pill. I'd rather they went the condom route, and then if things are still 'on' in the summer, maybe that would be a good time to start with the pill????

I am getting no work done this morning!

I did realise what you meant about the 'getting rid of it' frumpy!!

OP posts:

CMOTdibbler · 16/03/2009 13:02

Most FPCs have a teen session, where they are really open and nice. If you google FPC and your area you should be able to find them.

Personally (and having been young and stupid myself), I think that going on the pill, plus using condoms is the way to go. That way she doesn't get PMT or period pains either. If hormones agree with her, then looking at the implant would be good as it's fit and forget. She can then choose whether to share with boyfriend or future bfs that she's on the pill, but has that backup.

aGalChangedHerName · 16/03/2009 13:04

Ds1's gf got the contraceptive implant and is fine with it. She went with ds and spoke to FP clinic.

Pimmpom · 16/03/2009 13:36

DD 16 came to me to ask about going on the pill. She has been with her lovely bf for over a year. Fist thought was that she was too young Realised that I would think this until she was 21 . I suggested she went to the nurse with her bf, which she did. She also said that she would use condoms.

I too had/have exactly the same worries as you as regards her GCSE's. They only thing I was worried about relying just on condoms was that they wouldn't be experienced at using them and was worried about accidents.

I have had the conversation that if the unthinkable happened and they did split up, she would come off the pill.

Good luck

Original poster

uselessmum18 · 16/03/2009 14:24

Pimmpom
I was thinking more 25!!! They have been looking at the negatives re. different contraceptives, so I think they are both being responsible.

Has your dd started using the pill? If so, did she get on with it straightaway?

I've had the 'if you go on it you come off it if you split up' conversation also - I hate the thought of her being on the pill for the next 15 years!

OP posts:

Pimmpom · 16/03/2009 14:36

This is her first month of taking it. When she had some breakthrough bleeding and started to feel down, I panicked! "You'll have to come off it if it makes you depressed. You've got your GCSE's to think about". (Slight overreaction on my part but I was looking out for any signs of depression ) Early days but I will keep my eye on her .

Feel exactly the same as you about them taking it for goodness know how long. At first I was pleased that she was being so sensible but then started to worry about any side effects.

Original poster

uselessmum18 · 16/03/2009 14:53

I feel we're entitled to the odd overreaction at this point .

As we're so close to GCSE's now, I'm tempted to say that maybe leave it until they've finished - just scared that I might regret it!

Hope it works out well for your dd.

OP posts:

duchesse · 17/03/2009 08:32

I think at 15 two methods might be better than one. They are very fertile at this age. You might prefer to advise her to use both the pill and condoms- pill for hormonal birth control, condoms for birth control + disease prevention- (although I completely understand your reservations about the pill- there aren't many (any?) non-hormonal alternatives for women who've not had a baby). You can take her to a family planning clinic and consult them about it.

duchesse · 17/03/2009 08:34

Do you realise that you can always request a consultation with a female GP instead of your named one? It may the way to go to avoid her seeing your friend.

Tortington · 17/03/2009 08:46

dd is on the pill and has been for a while. i haven't noticed anymore stomping and crying or sulking than usual.

tbh, although i realise that condoms are perfectly safe in the hands of sensable mature people - i wouldn' trust a 15/16 year old boy not to be telling my daughter all kinds of untruths becuase it feels better au natural

Original poster

uselessmum18 · 17/03/2009 09:31

Well, after a chat yesterday, dd and bf have decided to hold off until her 16th birthday, which coincides with the end of exams. Don't think it will happen, but at least they are thinking about the whole thing sensibly.

Oddly enough, dd has been lovely over the past few days - although I suspect it is only a temporary break in the teenage strops! Glad to hear that the pill doesn't necessarily make it worse Custy!

They're so busy with school and their various activities (legit ones!), I think we're just going to monitor things on a day by day basis.

I do think he genuinely cares for dd, and certainly seems to be sharing the responsibility.

I thought it got easier as they got older!!!

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