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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 yr old boy alternately sullen, cynical, unenthusiastic, unmotivated but flipping without warning...

59 replies

duchesse · 06/03/2009 14:36

..to cheerful, chatty, charming and jokey. And he is most certainly no on drugs, before anyone raises that as a possibility.

He's doing my head in.

He has GCSEs this year, and has plans for A levels that mean he is going to have to do a lot of work in maths to get to a standard where he can do what he wants. I predicted an A* in French as long he does some bloody work.

But will he do any? Will he talk at all about why he won't do any extra work? Will he respond to any questions about why he won't do any work? Will he heck...

Am at a serious loss to understand him. Other people's teens I can handle (am a trained sec school teacher), but not my own.

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 07/03/2009 16:23

duchesse - a very interesting comment.

Sounds a lot like me at school, although I worked too hard at my academic work. Lots of self doubt, a bit worried about the whole girlfriend thing as I was not 'one of the lads' and then another much more confident boy stole my first girlfriend. It literally broke my heart.

I had a few clever friends and good at sport and outdoor stuff like your son, definitely a joiner in, popular with teachers but unsure of my future. I got a lot of mocking from other kids in my year for being a 'square'. I was actually quite stressed and worried but not feeling like I could talk to my Mum and Dad.

Your son sounds like a really nice young man. I am no doubt you are really proud of him and you should tell him. Of course he will not respond and of course he will glow inside. I was desperate for my Mum and Dad to say they were proud of me but when I got to be Head Boy of the school and into Oxford they never said a thing. Not a single word.

What is your son's Dad's take on all this?

Does anyone else have a take on this issue with teenage boys? I feel so worried about my DS1 (age 8) who is a lot like me and sounds a lot like duchesse's son.

tatt · 08/03/2009 08:48

at the moment mine is sullen, cynical, unenthusiastic, unmotivated - but flips to charming only at school and is not chatty with any adult. Read a description in the Times of a kid on skunk and thought sounds just like mine. But he isn't on drugs, doesn't even like the taste of alcohol, not taken by red bull. He is bothered about not having a girlfriend but doesn't want to talk to parents about it. I despair at times, especially when he's stayed up all night at a sleepover.

noddyholder · 08/03/2009 08:50

tatt I could have written that! My ds is so moody wrt girls his friend stayed ove and they spent all night on msn trying to chat up girls as they have said they MUST have a girlfriend by the time they go on the school trip to Spain in 3 weeks.I stupidly asked 'who do you like?' and they said anyone will thats how it works

tatt · 08/03/2009 09:00

yes he does the online thing too. The sleepover was here so although they were relatively quiet I'm tired too and feeling more than usually helpless.

noddyholder · 08/03/2009 09:02

should have said anyone will do!
How old is he? Mine was lovely last week when my parents came to stay and this week a little so and so.

Original poster
duchesse · 08/03/2009 09:21

Poor boys- they sound as though they're under a lot of pressure to "prove" themselves.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 08/03/2009 09:23

I think you are right duchesse.My ds announced the other day that he can't wait to be 'really hairy' Dp and I had to contain ourselves from laughing as he really meant it

ABetaDad · 08/03/2009 11:09

Why are teenage boys trying to chat up girls online? I assume they are girls they know?

I have heard from parents of teenage boys (and girls) that there is incredible peer pressure to have sex even in otherwise 'nice' private schools.

I am very worried for my DS1 (8) and DS2 (6).

How do you advise teenagers?

bagsforlife · 08/03/2009 11:40

Stop panicking ABetaDad!!!

I've been through the teens with my older two (girl and boy) and still have one, and yes, they have been sullen, rude etc, but have also been good fun, have nice friends who are pleasant to me (and apparently mine are pleasant to their friends' parents). They don't always fulfill one's expectations in the academic sense but, to be honest, if they are reasonably well educated and happy that counts for an awful lot.

Don't treat them when they become teens as a different species, just carry on as normal. Walk away and ignore them when they are being particularly obnoxious. They do come out of it and then you can reason with them.

Don't stress about the little things (untidy bedrooms for instance) save the battles for major life threatening dramas involving drugs/alcohol abuse.

Not all teenage boys spend hours on the internet chatting up unknown girls for sex. They do go on the computer a lot, it is the 'normal' way of communicating nowadays. Often they are just talking about football or something, nothing more sinister....

bagsforlife · 08/03/2009 11:42

Oh and for boys, keep them busy with lots of sport!!!!

noddyholder · 08/03/2009 11:43

my ds is talking to school friends calm down!who mentioned sex

BCNS · 08/03/2009 12:13

totally agree with bagsforlife. ( though I'm no expert yet)

But they are the same people whether they are teen or not. They are going to 'rebel' and push the boundries. It's a fine balance between giving them space and still being there guiding them.

The sex thing, we talk loads about sex and relationships ( with all 3 dc's present) .. it's a normal bit of life and we'd be worried if they weren't interested in it.

These convos are usually bought up by the dc's. Ds1 bought up the whole 'alfie' thing after seeing it on the news. His comment on that issue.. " what a numpty, you'd think he'd use a condom!" He also pointed out in a sex ed class about contraception that he in fact was the 1% of the pill not working!! ( don't panic he's thinks it's funny).

The thing is they are learning who they are and how they will fit in the adult world. And doing this with all the other stuff they have going on.

snorkle · 08/03/2009 18:45

It's just his age duchesse and he sounds great! I do wonder though if engineering at Cambridge and even maths + f. maths 'A' levels are great choices for him if he's not a natural mathematician? Especially as he's not a grafter (though as people have said, that might change) a high pressure environment like Cambridge might not be the best choice. But there's loads of other places to do Engineering, so it's really not the end of the world if he doesn't get all A*/As at GCSE. Maybe if you encourage really push him to look at less prestigeous alternatives it might have the effect of making him pull his finger out and do some work instead (you know - rebellion!).

Original poster
duchesse · 08/03/2009 19:31

snorkle, funnily enough that's the angle I've started taking. It's a win-win strategy- if he doesn't make the grade he hopefully won't feel so bad about not ending up doing what he thinks he wants to do, and if it galvanises him into pulling his finger out, it's all good anyway...

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 08/03/2009 21:59

duchesse - just read your original post again after reading snorkel.

If he is not naturally very good at maths he will likely find the step up to A levels very hard indeed and the step beyond that to Engineering at Cambridge extremely hard if not impossible.

My wife was an outstanding mathematician but at a certain point in her A levels she hit a wall. We have another friend who was very good all the way through her A levels and got to Oxford and did maths and she just hit the wall in her second year.

It may well be he is really in a panic and struggling with the path he has chosen and needs help climbing back down and on to another path with different A level and degree choices.

Have you spoke to his teachers and careers officers at school. Do they have someone dedicated to dealing with Oxbridge entry? What about modern languages if he is good at French? It is a very good choice with a wide range of career options after.

He sounds like someone who would do extremely well in Oxbridge exams and entry interviews but finding something you can excel at and enjoy is really really important.

bagsforlife · 08/03/2009 22:10

There is also the problem that a lot of students get As/A*s at GCSE these days who are not actually brilliant at the subject, especially some at private schools. EG my DS1 got an A in Physics GCSE (did the minimal amount of work) but there is no way he could have done Physics A level. And, fortunately, he didn't.

claricebeansmum · 09/03/2009 11:06

I am so so pleased to have found this thread. Not been on mn for ages but it times of crisis you're still here.

DS (13 in summer) hit teenage-dom full throttle this week and we are currently waiting to hear if he has been suspended after a particularly violent incident last week. Occasional flashes of anger at home but this was a while different league.

On top of this grades falling, in class behaviour deteriating.

He used to be an A1 student - he has the second highest IQ score in the year and yet he is has the capacity to be so stupid.

We did move areas in the summer holiday and he has had a rough time settling in.

Read loads this weekend on teenage boys and one thing that many books say is - especially mothers - be there but leave them alone - stop asking questions, stop nagging and don't sweat the small stuff.

Anyway, glad to see that I am not completely alone in struggling to deal with him.

claricebeansmum · 09/03/2009 11:08

Also, has anyone had experience of sending DS to any sort of counselling/anger management/bahvioural therapist?

lazymumofteenagesons · 09/03/2009 12:54

duchesse - I'm not sure what your academic background is,but if he is not a natural mathematician and he will only scrape an A at GCSE then further maths A level and engineering at Cambridge are slightly out of reach. I believe oxbridge do look at your GCSEs and will be put off without a string of As. Also, the kids at my sons school who end up at oxbridge don't seem to need any pushing from parents or teachers to do the work. They have a passion for their subjects. However, a talk from a male mentor style figure might do the trick.

My DH was also a stepford son and was born an adult from what I can tell. It has taken alot of educating for him to understand bolshy teenage boys!

bagsforlife · 09/03/2009 13:54

claricebeansmum, is there anyone at his school you can speak to? They may have a counseller or something. Your son probably won't want to speak to them, but they may be able to advise you as to where you could get some help.

It must be very hard if he has been violent at school. Do you have any idea why he has suddenly changed? Perhaps the moving has unsettled him and he has got in with a bad crowd who are influencing him. In my experience of changing schools when I was a child, I was always approached by the slightly undesirable lot first!!!

optimisticmumma · 09/03/2009 20:25

duchesse - did you say 4 of your extended family went to Cambridge? Do you think your answer lies in this? He may be feeling 'pushed' even though you are not pushing him . He may think the family's expectations are too high. My DS also in Yr11 and did get an A in maths last year, with no work.. He has been shocked at not doing better in his AS mock (got a low C).I wouldn't even consider coaching him, he now has to step up which I'm sure he will or he may have hit the wall. He may not do the full further maths either we will have to see. Unless he is A/A Maths why is he considering these choices? Surely he should go for what he has a talent for ie French!
He sounds a great lad. My DS has had a girlfriend for nearly a year now - it has its own issues - dropping friends and all the lovely stuff your boy does!

Original poster
duchesse · 10/03/2009 10:01

I said 4 generations (with several at each level), including both his parents went to Cambridge. We have always been very careful not to brainwash our children with this, and certainly not to make them feel that Cambridge is the only university in the country or even the world. In fact our first daughter is saying she wants to go to Harvard or Yale. I suppose that subconsciously they absorb stuff as we tell them stories, and since we both had a lovely time there, it probably does sounds attractive.

OP posts:
supersalstrawberry · 10/03/2009 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

optimisticmumma · 10/03/2009 12:06

duchesse - I'm sure you have been v.v. careful not to 'push' Cambridge consciously but it's interesting that your daughter says Harvard/Yale which are if anything more difficult to get into. I'm just suggesting v. gently that where there is a background of academic prowess/excellence maybe your son feels it is expectation in his own head. Also he may not feel able to compete with his sister. I know I always did myself down as a teenager so that I would pleasantly surprise my parents!!Does that make sense? By the way I wasn't trying to cast aspertions on your handling of your children. Why would I? Just putting my take on it which may be well off the mark...sorry if I offended you in any way

claricebeansmum · 10/03/2009 17:32

Thanks bags for life.

School did suspend him for two days but have been supportive in sending home work for him so he does not fall behind. I thought they would be washing their hands of him.

Our GP is going to give us some names of counsellers in the area - I really feel he needs to find someone to talk to openly and without fear of hurting feelings, upsetting anyone etc.

In the words of that song..."No-one said it would be easy, but no-one said it would be this hard".