I think my daughter is being stalked. (LONG)

[Spungeon]

My daughter has been accussed of bullying at school and is very close to being excluded. This is the story she has told me which seems to fit with my own experiences of the situation and witnesses at school.

Last year, my daughter (14) was on her way to a karate class on food, alone. As she walked past fellow class mates house, he came out and asked where she was going. She told him "Karate" and he laughed at her but asked her what days she goes on. She told him.

The next karate day, she walked past his house and he was in the front garden waiting with a gym bag. He was smiling at her and she asked what he was doing, he said "joining karate. Can I walk with you?" and she said "yes".

So, they began walking to karate, 3 times a week together.

But then we started getting late night phone calls from this boy. He would phone up from 9pm to 11pm just to ask "what you upto?" etc. I told her off for taking calls so late so she told him not to call unless he had a good reason. The calls continued only he would make up excuses. One was "I'm doing a quiz and the prize is something you'd love so I'm doing it to get you the prize, but I need to know this answer ... do you know it?" etc. This was gone 11pm.

She got a paper round which unfortunately involved going past his house. He began following her around the paper round and eventually got her sacked because he took the papers from her saying he would "help" and just shoved them through any door to get it finished. (admittidly, this is partly her fault for allowing him to).

Then he invited her to shows, she declined. He invited her to go out with him and his family, she declined.

At christmas he sent 10 christmas cards through the door saying he couldn't decide which one to give her so he gave her them all.

She stopped going to karate as he began turning everyone there against her and then on the sly, would say very sexual things to her where nobody could hear.

She eventually told him to leave her alone and said she no longer wanted to be friends. The next day, a Playstation 2 was wrapped in a gym bag and was hanging on our front door. It was a present from him to apologise.

I made her take it back.

Now, she made the mistake of telling everyone at school what was going on which she shouldn't have done but pls remember she is only 14 herself. Everyone began taking the piss out of the lad and calling him a stalker and a wierdo. He had very few friends to begin with.

Then one night, he was beaten up by a group of boys from the school. His parents are blaming DD fully and are threatning to involve the police. School have taken their side.

Not sure how to handle this anymore as it has blown way out of control.

Please help.

This is really difficult. I would pehaps call the local police just for some advice on how to proceed. Before that though, would you and your husband (if you have one) be able to sit down with the boy's parents and work out a solution? Perhaps with the headteacher or somebody from school? I know you say school have taken his side, but do they know your side?

I know the police option sounds extreme, but if you are getting no joy elsewhere, it may be advisable just so you have the stalking allegation on record. Obviously, you need to impress on your daughter that her chatting in school about it all is not helping.

sounds like a boy with very few social graces and little grasp of how to conduct a real friendship.

rather than dangeours, although the sexual commetns are not appropriate, he sounds desperately shy and unable to handle his crush on your DD.

if the police do get involved, your DD had no part in the beating, so you should not worry about that... yes, DD should not have told people at schoool about it, but at 14, you don;t always think through the consequences do you?

if the police do get involved it is a chance for you to tell her side, did she keep the 10 xmas cards , for example?

Yes, talk to the police. Have you kept all the cards, etc? It's possible that the boy's parents don't know the full extent of what has gone on and think that their DS is simply 'romantic' (an awful lot of people think that it's OK for males to pursue reluctant females: it's the plot of about 80% of 'romances'). TBH if he is a teenager too, then he will be thinking of himself as romantic.
I think you need to talk to the school as well and (especially if you have evidence like the cars) explain that your DD probably hasn't handled the situation all that well, but it's been difficult for her to handle.

No she threw the christmas cards away in a fit of temper He told everyone at school that they were in a serious relationship. Even people in the street, his neighbours, his parents etc. Apparantly one time on the way to karate the lad suddenly noticed someone approaching and panicked telling DD just to go along with what he said as it would be "easier". When the bloke approached he said hi to the boy and the boy said "Hi, I'm just taking the dog for a walk" and pointed at DD

They think DD organised the beating but she is not all that popular herself. Not enough to be able to gather a group of boys in her defence like that.

oh dear. sounds like a mega crush that has got out of hand, and by trying to be friends, your DD unwittingly fuelled the fire.

the boys who battered him should be the ones the police are interested in, not your DD

that the parents are entirely blaming your dd

Is there son not to blame at all then

I agree that she probably shouldnt have told her friends, but she is only 14 and was probably finding it difficult to deal with

I dont see how she can be accused of bullying based on what you have said - especially if she wasnt involved in beating the boy up

I dont know what to suggest but I do think he is responsible for his own behaviour

Oh dear, this is terrible for everyone involved.

What makes you think your DD is close to being excluded?

Have you been able to speak with anyone at the school at all?

Your poor DD and poor boy as well..he didn't deserve to get beaten up and sounds VERY much like someone with a mega crush/ misguided idea of friendship/someone who is desperate for friendship, and little or no social skills.
Your DD in turn did not deserve to be the subject of such a persons affections to the point she felt uncomfortable and well done to her for making an effort to befriend him, how kind she sounds..

Good luck with this one
I have no advice but hope it gets sorted soon and as amicably as possible xx

their

Yes they phoned me this morning to say the parents of the boy have lodged an official complaint about the way the 'bullying' has been handled by the school. From what DD tells me, the lad was being bullied by the boys before all this started so it could be that they are referring to. But, they told me they have had DD in the office all morning, finding out what has happened and it has "become clear" that DD handled the boys advances by laughing at him with her friends and encouraging more bullying from the boys. His parents want DD excluded. The school have said if it turns out she is responsible, they will have no choice.

I am so angry because she was doing so well at school before all this started.

I have an apointment to speak with the head tomorow night but I'm not sure I want to wait to get this seen to.

I would get a statement from her boss of the paper round explaining why she was sacked and stating the boy's involvement in that.

I would call round at Karate Class and get them to verify on what date the boy joined and perhaps ask if you can get some statements from other members on what he used to say to them about your dd.

Have you kept the Christmas cards? These could be used as evidence too.

Get a copy of your phone records, they'll show his number, how many times he phoned and at what times.

Put all this info into a file and send a copy to the police and one to the school. Based on that evidence you would have enough to potentially put a restraining order on him. So the onus shifts to them. You can either follow the matter up with the police or drop it only if they agree to do the same. However they need to know what their son has been doing so that they can get help for him, they've obviously no idea.

Oh dear.

I think you have just as much right to put your case as his parents. Obviously their son was beaten up, but by the sounds of it, he was making your DD's life unpleasant.

Surely his parents must have known a bit of what was going on, if you did?

And they are only 14! I don't see why the school should be thinking of exclusion - did it happen on the premises?

Surely they should be able to hold some sort of meeting where everyone can talk openly to solve the problem?

Yes, I would ask for a meeting involving everyone, but gather your evidence before you go into the meeting, otherwise it's just your dd's words against his. The call logs should be easy enough to retrieve.

Yes, you're right Rhubarb - the evidence will really help.

It sounds as though he has possibly lied about her involvement to all concerned, including blaming her when he was up against it.

Poor lad is quite disturbed by the sound of it. Of course a teenage girl would try and rally her friends and make light of it when underneath she is scared shitless of this lad and his sinister advances.

He needs help, has anyone mentioned an edu psych - if not then it should be brought up. If he doesn't get some assistance now he'll end up in real trouble once he is older and his relationships are taking this kind of course

Poor DD

Just to play devil's advocate however, are you sure your dd didn't encourage his advances? Perhaps she thought it was fun at first but then he got more persistent?

If he invited her out with his family - had she met them? Did they know about her?

He gave her a playstation - was it his or was it new? His parents must have known about that.

The school may well say that she or you should have told them straight away if there were any problems.

Has your dd been talking about him to her friends? Has she been making fun of him? Did she in some way encourage the lads to take revenge?

I'm sorry to make you examine your dd's story in this way, but there are always 2 sides to every story and the school are taking this very seriously, which implies there may be more to this than meets the eye. Perhaps the boys who beat him up have all said that your dd asked them to? You need to get the full facts, even if they may be hard to hear.

I agree the stalking would have been better dealt with perhaps if reported to someone sooner - you must have your reasons ready for this, ie you were unwilling to get the lad in trouble with the police etc, as he is only young.
You need to present the facts, if that means writing down everything as you have told us, or printing this OP out to take with you, then do it. They will be able to see that there is a background to this.

Rhuby - even if it was momentarily encouraged it is no excuse for stalking behaviour. He obviously has big problems. I've flirted with many young lads in my teenage years and then blown them out - not many have reacted in this way. It does sound like it has sadly got very out of hand.

Oh I agree about the stalking yes! But I wouldn't necessarily believe everything a 14yo girl says either, after all she'll be petrified of getting into trouble too.

The school's reaction does make me wonder what they know.

I have spoken to the karate instructor who suggested that the boy had also been phoning him at innopropriate times and he said he'd seen him riding past his house a few times even though he lives nowhere near. And, another girl at school has also come foward and said the exact same thing happened with her the year before. Loads of christmas cards, late night phone calls, following her around and inviting her out constantly. It seems like the boy has a habbit of getting too attached to people.

DD has been to his house, apparantly his older brother was lending her a book but the boy said she could only borrow it if she went and got it herself. I'm actually annoyed that she went ahead with this, if his parents were not home, who's to say what his intentions where.

But admittidly DD has taken part in the name-calling. She admits this. She said the lad was telling everyone she was his girlfriend and people began laughing at HER about it too so I suppose she did what she thought would save her own reputation and took part in the ridiculing.

The boys that beat him up said they did it as he had been stalking DD. Therefore, in the school's eyes, she was involved. A couple of the boys have confirmed that they were told by the lad that she was his girlfriend. Another boy claims he had been boasting that he was planning to do stuff to her but apparantly this boy has a tendancy to cause as much trouble as possible so we're not sure if that is true.

She does have a load of his text messages still on her phone. I will contact the shop she was sacked from this afternoon and I have details of when he started (and quit) karate.

Right.
Contact the school and arrange a meeting with his parents, you and the school.
Gather your evidence, statements, itemised bills, cards, texts etc.
Your dd does need to take some of the blame for this boy getting beaten up, but it sounds like he had it coming sooner or later. His parents are in denial and they need to sort something out to help him.
Sounds like the school have no idea what is going on, they won't like that.
Your dd has learnt a very valuable lesson.

Well done, it soudns like it's about time something was done to help him - there's no way your DD is to blame for his behaviour or the fact that the other boys decided to beat him up.

I really hope something good comes of it and his problems get addressed - although I expect they will be brushed under the carpet, rather than taken for what they are - a symptom of an attachment disorder I suspect.

Do try and push for him to get help though. He wants assessing by a proper psychologist really.

It's unfortunate that some of the other boys at the school took it so far as to beat the boy up: unfortunately teenage boys are often apallingly self-righteous (especially when their own behaviour towards girls wouldn't bear much examination. It's not surprising that the boy's parents are taking his side, they will only have heard his side (about the girl who led him on then bullied him or whatever) - but the school seem to be handling it rather clumsily.

Well done - like Rhubarb says, get all your evidence together for a meeting. His parents do sound like they are in denial.

How do you know the other girl has come forward - have the school contacted you or did your DD find out? Maybe she / her parents will back you up? And it sounds like the karate instructor might back you up.

By the sounds of it, the boy has been bullied at this school for years and the they have not done anything about it. Now that this has come up however and they can't just ignore it, they're trying to prove that they do take bullying seriously after all.

Interestingly, the boy quit karate a week after DD did.