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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My DS aged 16 won't eat at table with us any more

71 replies

grownupbabes · 03/02/2009 16:34

We have always eaten together at the table for every meal. In fact, food has always been a key part of our family life - cooking it, talking about it, sharing it. But now DS is not wanting to eat with us anymore. He says he just wants to "graze" or as he puts it, "go ad hoc", helping himself to random bits and left overs, and refusing to sit at the table for meals.

I've heard some families don't eat together, but for me it is just an incomprehensible lifestyle change. I am really worried.
Is this normal for a 16yo. Should I leave him alone and hope it will change after a while, or should I insist that he sit down with us and be sociable and engage with the family and share our food together?

OP posts:

janeite · 03/02/2009 16:36

You're the parent so perfectly within your rights to insist: I would. However, perhaps a compromise could be that he eats with you on certain evenings each week and grazes on the others?

Tommy · 03/02/2009 16:37

I should think it's probably pretty normal for a 16 year old. You could always make sure that there is no food for him to "graze" on so that he has to sit down with the rest of you.

Otherwose, I think it's probably usual teenage rebelliousness

Grammaticus · 03/02/2009 16:37

Can you start by not letting him eat cooked food elsewhere - surely he'll get fed up of cold stuff in the end?

ajandjjmum · 03/02/2009 16:37

I was going to say 'he has no choice', but probably janeite's compromise would be a better way forward.

atowncalledalice · 03/02/2009 16:45

I think compromise. DS1 (17) eats with us three nights a week. The rest of the time he is either at an after-school thing or out with his friends. I think it's important to keep family meal times if at all possible, but teenagers do have a) funny eating habits and b) a need for independence.

Clattered · 03/02/2009 16:47

Yes, do what janeite says - and make sure he puts what he finishes on the shopping list and does his own washing up.

I was going to say 'put a lock on the fridge and tell him he can starve' because I'm feeling a little unfluffy at the moment.

mumeeee · 03/02/2009 20:44

The rule in our house is that if we are all in for tea at the sametime then we eat at the table. But there are exceptions for hat rule. Today DD2 19 and I went out for lunch. She wanted tea later then the rest of us so she was allowed to get it when she was hungry.

RiaParkinson · 03/02/2009 20:47

if he wants to live in your house and eat your food he should do as you ask

he can graze all he likes once he moves out

sound a bit disrespectful to me - i would INSIST

mumeeee · 03/02/2009 20:48

I forgot to say we don't eat breakfast together and only occansionly eat lunch together. So everyone gets whatever they like for those meals and whenever they want them.

herbietea · 03/02/2009 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RustyBear · 03/02/2009 20:58

It's perfectly normal for a teenager to want to do this - whether you accept it is really up to you.

I've never really insisted on 'family meals' since my two became teenagers - but then for us the family meal wasn't the only or even the most important time that we got together as a family - we've always been happy to talk to each other at any time.

My two are often out in the evening anyway & DH has a massive lunch at his work's subsidised restaurant & only wants a snack in the evening, so it's generally easier all round. And it has had the advantage that DS has learned to cook very well - his stir-fries are much better than mine -which was very useful when he went to university.
DD on the other hand hasn't learned to cook much because she always seems to end up at her boyfriend's for dinner - which is why she's now in catered accommodation at university!

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 03/02/2009 21:00

I'd say compromise: he has to eat 3 meals a week with you. Mind you, don't want to stress you but: are you aware of how much he is actually eating? It is just possible that he may be developing an eating disorder and that;s why he doesn't want to eat in company: boys do get them.

Original poster

grownupbabes · 03/02/2009 21:52

Thanks for all this everyone. OK I will put my foot down!
But as for the eating disorder... lol... when DS is not home my food bill halves (seriously).

OP posts:

twentypence · 03/02/2009 21:56

Is there a really busy night when having an ad hoc night would make sense for everyone?

But at 16 I think far from just getting himself something he could be ready to make something for everyone one night a week.

cory · 04/02/2009 11:25

In my case, I would point out that grazing comes more expensive than a sit-down meal with boiled spuds etc, so if any child of mine wants to indulge this habit they will need to get a weekend job and contribute financially.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 04/02/2009 17:15

Is it maybe a timing thing ie he has other stuff to do and doesn't want to take the time to sit down over a formal meal? Is his 'ad hoc' eating a matter of grabbing a sandwich and rushing out, or wanting not to miss something on TV?

Or, er, are you a rubbish cook ?

Evenstar · 04/02/2009 17:23

Most nights we sit down as a family, but DS1 is 18 now and some nights he is not in from work or going out before we eat. I dish a portion of supper and leave it in the microwave for him to heat up, or in the fridge if he has said he might not need it. If he is going out early sometimes he will make a sandwich for himself. I don't really think it is worth stressing too much over, unless he is not sitting down with you to make some kind of point or to watch TV/play computer games etc. If he is home he should eat with you.

Original poster

grownupbabes · 04/02/2009 18:50

Solidgold how dare you, cooking is my life! Well, anyway, at least my absolute favorite pastime. Which is why this whole no dinner thing is so out of line with the general family ambience.
He is not avoiding us to watch TV or similar - he is generally doing his music practice and also says it is because he says he likes to do his own thing in the kitchen now. On which basis, maybe twentypence has the right idea - I am going to suggest that. Thanks!

OP posts:

optimisticmumma · 05/02/2009 17:08

Tentative suggestion but could it be that he feels that this is your way of controlling him? It's only an idea but if he is anything like my DS (16) he just doesn't want to feel as if you are controlling him..I think he should definitely eat what you cook but maybe when he's hungry.You may need to relax on the 'family dinner = family time' thing every night and be a bit flexible for a while. I can only do this on a Sunday due to DH working so late and DC having lots of stuff to do. Usually DC eat together and I have a cuppa and DH and I eat later.
Perhaps he could cook for the whole family once a week. My Ds wanted to cook for his girlfriend. I said he could so long as he made enough for eveyone. We sat down to homemade lamb burgers followed by homemade cheese cake. I did have to be the assistant chef but it was fab! He's just trying to be more independent.

vezzie · 12/02/2009 12:40

Grownupbabes - I went like your son, my family was like yours in that all meals were homemade, at the table and for the whole family and this was very imnportant to my mum. This is why I started to hate it. I was, yes, an ungrateful little shit, but here is why:
my mother was visibly very busy, WOHM in a stressful job as well as doing all this traditional cooking etc, and I resented being made to feel guilty about it. I thought I could opt out and wouldn't have to feel so bad about her martyrdom.
I thought I was fat and spending less time at the table would make me eat less and I could eat weirder, lower fat foods.
I felt on a rigid timetable between school and dinner every night - there always seemed to be something about to interrupt whatever else I wanted to do, always someone else's priorities and timetable trumped mine.
I pompously thought there were better things to do in life than service traditional meals with greasy pans and properly prepared vegetables etc. Part of this was that I resented that I would be expected to do a decent hands turn towards all this (tho my mum did the bulk of all the work) but my dad and little brother did bugger all.

I had a lot of emotional problems growing up and felt very abandoned a lot of the time. I know my mum didn't want me to feel that way and I think us all sitting down together was part of her effort to give us love. But I never felt comfortable talking at the table partly because a lot of the time I felt so terrible it would have been inappropriate to share my feelings in that setting so I did a lot of sullen slouching around. I wish I had had some other time with my mum or dad to try to have a chat rather than just being asked how my day was around the table with everyone when I wanted to kill myself.

I am sorry this is so long. Ask your son why he doesn't want to and compromise and don't let him take the piss but also please try to find some way of letting him do things his own way and also of spending some other time with him that is not about him having to eat your food on this timetable.

JudyA · 25/02/2009 16:53

I think it's quite normal - my 16-year-old hasn't eaten with us for quite a while now. I have a laissez-faire attitude to it but don't think there's a 'right' approach.

On the good side, after living on pasta & sauce and porrige, he's now been experimenting with rice dishes and stir fries (with vegetables in ) and on occasion even offers to cook for the rest of us now. So there is light at the end of the tunnel...

hippipotamiHasLostFourPounds · 25/02/2009 16:57

Sounds a bit disrespectful to me. Also, I would never every have got away with such a request when I was 16.

The rule is - if you live here and eat our food then you eat with us at the time it is served. (obviously there are exceptions such as clubs, sports events etc)

But there is no way I am going to let my 16 year old dictate as and when he grazes. He is a child, he eats with us and he will like it or lump it!

[disclaimer, my eldest is only 9 so once he is a teen I may well have hopelessly lost control but for now I like to think I will retain the upper hand]

piscesmoon · 25/02/2009 17:12

I wouldn't have it at all!
My house and my rules-they can do what they like once they leave home and get their own place.
I would only let him do it if he buys ALL the foods he grazes upon-if he wants us to pay for it -he eats the same as everyone else and at the same time.
I think that grazing is particularly unhealthy anyway. The only exception would be if he was out.

Mercy · 25/02/2009 17:30

I don't have teenagers yet but I hope I will be like Rustybear when that time comes.

I remember being not being able to have any independence when I was in my teens. And was immature compared to my peers as a result (imo) - and very resentful, especially towards my father.

I think a compromise is the way to go.

(btw is your ds in Yr 11 or sixth form?)

Coldtits · 25/02/2009 17:36

16 year olds are not children, Hippo, they are old enough to move out, get married and have a baby. Does that put the food control freakery in perspective?

I wouldn't eat at the table with my family when I was 16. I hated them, I hated my mum's cooking, I hated the way I could never have my dinner when I felt like having dinner, but had to eat when she told me to, like a dog. So when she started insisting, I refused point blank to eat.

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