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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DS aged 16 won't eat at table with us any more

71 replies

grownupbabes · 03/02/2009 16:34

We have always eaten together at the table for every meal. In fact, food has always been a key part of our family life - cooking it, talking about it, sharing it. But now DS is not wanting to eat with us anymore. He says he just wants to "graze" or as he puts it, "go ad hoc", helping himself to random bits and left overs, and refusing to sit at the table for meals.

I've heard some families don't eat together, but for me it is just an incomprehensible lifestyle change. I am really worried.
Is this normal for a 16yo. Should I leave him alone and hope it will change after a while, or should I insist that he sit down with us and be sociable and engage with the family and share our food together?

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 25/02/2009 17:40

i like mealtimes to be relaxed, but then my 16yo has anorexia, I would never force any of mine to sit at the table if they didn't want to

(the other two are 18 and 9)

brimfull · 25/02/2009 17:40

I would let him get on with it.
He'll only be a misery at the table if he doesn't want to be there.
Make sure he feels welcome to sit at the table if he changes his mind as long as he lets you know to cook for him.

MitchyInge · 25/02/2009 17:42

grownupbabes - your idea of the 'general family ambience' and your son's are probably wildly at variance!

piscesmoon · 25/02/2009 18:01

Mine is free to eat when he wants, where he wants and what he wants - if he buys it and cooks it.

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 25/02/2009 22:12

yes pices i agree

if teen insists on not eating with you then hey should assert that independance by buying and cooking for themself.

cory · 26/02/2009 10:23

Me too, I agree with pisces. If you want independence, that's fine- but with independence comes reponsibility.

Either you get looked after like a child and then you have to accept that the people who do the work do it in a way that suits them, or you have the freedom of an adult and that means doing the work.

If I had been Coldtit's mother I would have been fine with her having her own dinner- but I would have refused to either cook an extra dinner or pay for extra food. Money is limited. But if she had wanted to fund her own eating through a Saturday job, I would certainly not have stopped her.

Anyway, anyone who grumbles about the quality of their parents' cooking at 16, could surely offer to take over? If you are old enough to move out and have a baby, then cooking the odd family meal shouldn't be beyond your capacities.

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 15:01

I agree with ggirl. He is more likely to want to come back and eat at the table on occasions if he is left to get on with his own ideas and ways for now.

Why force him to do things your way - just because you pay the bills?

piscesmoon · 26/02/2009 15:59

I think that that it is perfectly reasonable that if you pay the bills they do it your way!!
There is no force in it, as cory says, if they they think they are old enough to have independence then they take the responsibility that goes with it. They can't have it both ways and say that they won't eat with the rest of the family or even eat the same meal and yet the parents are supposed to provide it!
I also fail to see how they are going to eat healthily if they do it that way. I cook meals from scratch, there is no convenience food that they can choose to snack on, I think that the most they could find was egg on toast or similar.
I don't know why I am arguing as I have constantly hungry DSs who like my cooking!
When I lived with my parents I lived by their rules-my DSs live by my rules until they leave home.Coldtits would have got very short shrift from me!

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 17:17

See I really object to the purse holder laying down the rules - I would hate it if my dh just due to the fact he worked and supported the family having the final say on where and how we did things - the same goes for controlling any other human due to money, whether it is an oap or a teenager.

Control with money over another human is not really the way to go about things - is it?

piscesmoon · 26/02/2009 17:47

In a family you are living with other people and compromising to get on together, there has to be give and take on both sides. I know the meals that my DSs like and I cater for them. When they are teens they are perfectly capable of cooking a meal for us all if they want to! I work around when they are going out and coming in and I am quite happy for them to eat out with friends. I don't think that it is at all fair for any member of the family to state that they won't eat what the rest are eating and insist that the person who is buying the food, has food in the fridge in case they possibly feel like eating it!!
I plan meals and do a shopping list. The only way I could possibly see it working is if I was to buy convenience food and keep in in the freezer so that they could get it out where and when needed and they could heat it up quickly. I am not prepared to do that because 1.it is too expensive 2. it isn't healthy. 3. they may never deign to eat it anyway.
If they want to live in a way that is completely alien to my way of thinking then they will have to plan it themselves and buy it themselves, with their money.
It isn't about control with money, it is about living in a community with your family.
I happen to be the one that does the shopping and cooking so it is exactly the same for my DH-however, like the DSs,I have no objection to him doing the shopping and cooking if he wants to organise it!

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 26/02/2009 20:49

cory i like your style

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 21:23

Yes living together and give and take, compromising to get on together - is far better way to go than - you pay the bills they do it your way!!

milou2 · 26/02/2009 21:35

ok maybe I am being hopelessly optimistic, but would he share the odd mug of hot chocolate or midnight snack. something random which shows you are both on the same level occasionally. or even share crisps while in the car. non stressy contact moments which happen to involve food, or even just times together which are non foody, a smile a laugh, anything to allow the relationship to deepen and not revolve round food.

i hate being pressured by my father to have a drink every time i have a meal there, it's always an issue...

piscesmoon · 26/02/2009 21:39

I take it that you have no rules then Ivykaty?! They are free to smoke even though you are a smoke free house, they can bring their friends around and play loud music until 2am, they can go in the fridge and eat the food that you were intending to have the next day?
If people have all this freedom of meals they must have money to burn! If my DSs want to do their own food and want me to pay and shop for it they would have to give me a list on a Monday for the whole week and they would have to promise to eat it. It is no wonder so much food is thrown away everyday in this country. It is also a bit pointless me cutting down on gas and electric by using my slow cook pot etc if they are then going to double up by cooking later.
I do the meals and pay for them-I do not do a la carte-I have a set meal-take it or leave it. They can go elsewhere or buy their own. I am on a tight budget and trying to get the food bills down! I am flexible and will feed DS's girl friend with no notice or the odd extra friend.I don't mind if they phone to say they don't want a meal but I object strongly to them being in-ignoring my meal and expecting me to pay for an alternative!

pagwatch · 26/02/2009 21:46

MY DS1 eats by himself sometimes buthe is often absoloutely famished and cannot wait until supper with all of us. But he cooks it all himself and it is a proper meal - he is not allowed to just grab stuff because it is not good for him to eat like that constantly and I can't be constantly replacing the packets of ham and kilos of cheese !!

But I do insist sometimes. We have family meals at the weekend that he is expected to be there. His girlfriend is welcome but if she is not eating then she goes home or he comes home.
I am all for independence but that does not mean he can excuse himself from the house rules. And as I have delicately and lovingly explained to him, don't give a fuck if he thinks that is controlling

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 26/02/2009 21:48

pagwatch! sounds like you have it sussed

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 21:50

There is a difference between laying down rules by one person and being a dictatorship - and talking and comprimising with teenagers over how the house should be and what rules you all want.

pagwatch · 26/02/2009 21:57

There are many many issues on which we talk and compromise. But I am not going to discuss and negotiate every aspect of how our family runs and functions with one member because he has reached 13 and over.
I am not preventing him from being an individual. I am not stamping on his soul. he gets lots of choices, planty of freedom and responsibility and has a very nice life.

Insisting that he join his family for Sunday lunch is not a crime against humanity.
And I am pleased that you have the time and the inclination to negotiate ever nuance of life with your teen. But i have three children and one with SN. So just occasionally he will just do as he is told.

Astoundingly he seems to find this state of affairs perfectly acceptable. I must be doing something wrong.

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 26/02/2009 22:13

mine too do not object to the endless constraints i put upon them

we all live happily together but 'yes' my teens do as they are 'asked'

piscesmoon · 26/02/2009 22:35

I agree entirely pagwatch. I am not a dictator-they do sometimes eat in the kitchen, with the TV, but not all the time, we usually eat together. I was quite happy with my parents running their home the way they wanted to and we have always had a good relationship. I do the same with my DSs, they are well adjusted and happy with things. I really can't think why they would want to cook their own food when they can have a delicious meal cooked for them! My eldest has now left home and he really appreciates my cooking when he comes home. I am not my DSs best friend-I am the parent. They are not far off leaving home and then they are free to make their own rules-I would be very surprised if they do any differently when they hav DCs. The are not opressed!! I think they would laugh if I was to show them Ivykaty's comments!

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 26/02/2009 22:44

i use the not 'best friend' line pisces mum

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 22:52

Well different strokes for different folks - my parents certainly didn't take the line that it is my house therefore you have to live by my rules, therefore I have not taken this line with my own offspring.

It is a shame you have dc that would laugh at other peoples comments though. It is certainly something I would not encourage in this home to laugh at other people views or different ways. It is encouraged to question, and observe and think on how others do things and whther it is something they would like to try.

piscesmoon · 26/02/2009 22:59

I meant that they would laugh at the thought of you thinking that they have a narrow minded dictator for a mother, Ivykaty. We are nothing like that! I just think it perfectly reasonable that a family eats the same food at the same time. I am not the family doormat providing tons of food in the off chance that they might like to eat it! I plan it and budget. There isn't much point in saving 20p here and there to then throw food away.

Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 23:07

Where did I say you where narrow minded? Sorry I missed that one

piscesmoon · 27/02/2009 07:17

'Control with money over another human is not really the way to go about things - is it? '

Narrow minded was not the right word but in every post you are making me out to be controlling and dictatorial merely because I think a family should eat together! My DSs would laugh because it really isn't the case!
It is a normal part of famiy life .