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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Tell me: is this normal for boys?

30 replies

DumbledoresGirl · 29/01/2009 10:19

Ds1 is 12, coming up 13, but I feel this question should be asked of people who know teenagers, rather than asking parents of younger children.

Last Christmas (and the Christmas before that too) ds1 did not want to write any Christmas cards to his classmates. Fine. He is a typical boy, ie not keen on writing. He is very shy but he has three very strong friendships with 3 boys, 2 of whom he met at primary school, and, although he is called a geek and is a very bright boy, he seems to be accepted by enough peers for me to not be worrying about his social skills.

But then just now, I found he had cleared his bag out before going to school and on the floor were a mass of Christmas cards given to him by his classmates this Christmas. He has just about opened the envelopes, but none of the cards have been taken out, they are all bent and dirty, and I had no idea he had received so many (in fact, I had no idea he had received any at all).

Just reassure me: it is normal for a 12 year old boy to be this dismissive of gestures of friendship isnt it? I noticed a lot of the cards were from girls which I know would have embarrassed him a lot. One girl addresses him by a diminutive of his name normally only used by me, and another wrote "You rock!" on the card. It is lovely to see that he is well regarded, but I find something strangely disturbing to have come across these cards, discarded and disregarded, a month after Christmas.

I am overthinking this, aren't I?

OP posts:
chloesmumtoo · 29/01/2009 10:28

My ds is 11 so younger. He didnt want to do cards this year fearing nobody would being in a new school. I expected them too and so we brought some and as thought he did receive and so wrote out his own. I think you are probably worrying to much and like you say lovely to know how accepted he is. I must add after quetioning my ds after christmas about him not having made a card for us at school he finally dragged it out off his bag in January!!

BitOfFun · 29/01/2009 10:28

A bit! I am a bit like that myself...although I do check inside to see if there is any money in them first

nettie · 29/01/2009 10:28

My Ds not a teenager yet (just turned 11) sounds very like your son. If it hadn't been for me his christmas cards would still be squished inside his coat pockets or in his draw at school. I even took them down for him (last week ). Personally I think its male thing, DH not bothered by cars either be they christmas, birthday, valentines etc.

Stop worrying, he just being a bloke

psychomum5 · 29/01/2009 10:29

my eldest son does this, and he is just 8!

altho, he did write cards for the friends that gave him cards......moaning all the time mind, even tho he asked me to buy said cards for him to write!

nettie · 29/01/2009 10:29

in his drawer !

Threadworm · 29/01/2009 10:31

I'm supposed to be on an MN break just now, but I didn't want to leave this unanswered. My DS1 (13.6) is EXACTLY the same as this. If I were you I would just be thrilled that he had so many cards indicating his popularity among his friends.

DS1 won't write cards, won't initiate meet-ups, etc. but seems to be reasonably popular.

DumbledoresGirl · 29/01/2009 10:35

Thank you all. Maybe I am a bit hormonal, but I actually felt sorry for the people who wrote my son cards, seeing how little he cared about them.

He IS very much a male boy iyswim - no soft, caring, feminine side to him at all, I am sorry to say. Whereas when I was at school, being a girl, Christmas was all about getting cards and making presents to give to my girlfriends. I suppose he and I are just at opposite ends of the spectrum.

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mooseloose · 29/01/2009 10:35

ds was 14 last September and wrote about three his first xmas at secondary school, and none for the last two years - I don't think it's cool! I dont think he had any back either. He is at an all boys school. But I guess girls send them to everyone, and also to boys too as though they are girls?

BCNS · 29/01/2009 10:36

DS1 does this.. he will only send reply cards out.

Peabody · 29/01/2009 10:37

My husband still does this (I've known him since he was 16 and he was doing it then too!).

DumbledoresGirl · 29/01/2009 10:41

Oh sending out cards in reply to those you have received actually sounds quite polite and considerate to me! Mine have never done that.

I should add that ds2 (11), who is a lot more caring and considerate, hardly sent any cards this year either but then he hates his whole class and has had a constant running battle with them for the last 5 years. His teacher has been trying to mediate between him and the class this year and he actually received a card from nearly everyone in the class, but did not open them until I prompted him, and did not display them.

Boys, eh?

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FairyLightsForever · 29/01/2009 10:49

My ds is nearly 12 and I found exactly the same thing- a load of cards abandoned in the bottom of his school bag. Ds is also geeky with a couple of like-minded friends. When I mentioned it, his response was "a lot of people write cards to the whole class". I think that's why he's so dismissive.

BCNS · 29/01/2009 10:52

Oh I have a bit of a nag at christmas tbh.. " I don't care if you don't send cards.. but take the time to reply to those who thought of you".

makes him feel guilty

TsarChasm · 29/01/2009 10:55

Sounds like my dh. Christmas cards just aren't in his dna.

DumbledoresGirl · 29/01/2009 10:57

That is an intersting comment TsarChasm. It has not really occurred to me before now, but dh never sends Christmas cards but each year he comes home with a small handful of them from collaegues at work, addressed sometimes to me as well. I don't even know his colleagues' names let alone their spouses!

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happystory · 29/01/2009 10:58

Ds is just like this (and dh to a cetain extent, doesn't see the point of Christmas cards) I think for boys it's just too much effort to write them,whereas girls love all that gel-pen, squiggly-writing, hearts-over-the-i's thing.... quite normal IMO

choccyp1g · 29/01/2009 11:01

I think it's a man thing. My father used to open presents just far enough to see what it was, and then put it aside. He just never understood you are supposed to look pleased, not just say thankyou.

TsarChasm · 29/01/2009 11:08

Every year I say to dh, for his work colleagues, would you like me to write some cards?

'No no we don't do all that' (it does seem quite a blokey environment, it's true) I don't think the others do it either.

Occasionally the odd card finds it's battered way home; often unopened. Only recently he started to keep an el cheapo pack in the car at Christmas, in case he felt he ought to return one.

I said that's not how you give cards tit for tat, but he seems to think it's all a faff.

When I'm stressing about getting the cards written at Christmas he seems baffled as to why it seems remotely important. I do think he might have a point but I am hard wired to send them.

He does give me cards at all the right times during the year, but I am the exception and anyway there'd be hell to pay if he didn't of course

Many years ago I gave him some cards to hand deliver at Christmas and we found them the following June when he finally cleared out his van. I tend to bypass him now if I want to know somone has been sent a card from us.

He is kind and thoughtful but cards are not really his thing.

Goober · 29/01/2009 11:13

He is fine.
He probably didn't want you to know he had received cards from Girls.
My DS 14 didn't put his cards up either, nor did he write any.

bagsforlife · 29/01/2009 13:17

Same here.DS 2 (13) hasn't sent cards since primary school. Still found a few cards in his bag this year. I don't think DS1 (20) EVER sent a Christmas card in secondary school, but it wasn't so generally popular then to do so.

mumblechum · 29/01/2009 13:31

In Yrs 7 & 8, ds did send a few, but didn't send any in yr 9 & didn't get any back from boys (he's v popular, btw), but got a shedload from girls, all kisses and hearts. He put them up in his room & binned them after Xmas.

Ime, boys just don't really see the point of Xmas cards.

Mumwhensdinnerready · 29/01/2009 15:22

Sounds much like my DS1 who is 13.
I sat him down with a pile of cards and said write some for school, which he did reluctantly. However he didn't even give them all out. I also noticed that he was given lots of cards from boys and girls (kisses on too) but he didn't even bother to get them out of his school bag.
DH has never sent a card in his life to anyone as far as I know, apart from to me, and only because I remind him to.
DS2 is (10) is also much more caring and considerate and more willing to do the social niceties.

Tortington · 29/01/2009 15:25

completely normal.

my boys have never asked me to buy a pack of cards, my girl does.

he recieves cards and i asked them nightly "any cards, get them out"

maybe thats all it took

boys are fuckwits sometimes. if its not loud with flashing lights or tits - they forget

lazymumofteenagesons · 29/01/2009 18:02

My DH never even sends a birthday card to his mother

ChampagneDahling · 29/01/2009 18:05

Sounds like typical male behaviour to me....