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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

A cautionary tale for those who check up on their teenagers.............

27 replies

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2008 14:00

First of all, I am happy to admit I occasionally check my 13 yr old dd's MSN chat logs. I know there is debate about this.

This weekend she was allowed to go out to the next town on the bus with 2 female mates. However, I also know she was trying to arrange to meet a boy in the next town over (to which she knows she is not allowed). She promised she wasn't going to do it, but I know for a fact she is easily led.

Sooooo, I check her logs to see if she is telling me the truth because all I had to go on was her word. I should trust it, right?

Anyways, I don't find any incriminating evidence of illicit forays into disallowed territory but what I do find is this...

"I fucking hate my mum, I want her to die, she is a fucking slag...." (for not letting her meet this boy she met online).

I have seen her swearing on MSN before, using words like blowjob and cock etc. She has also told lies to big herself up (eg. that she got detention when I know she didn't) It seems some of her friends do this and altho' I don't like it, it seems relatively harmless.

However, I have not seen any such horrible vitriol towards other kids own parents and actually, on the above particular convo, I saw her bf told her to "calm down".

I am fully expecting the privacy police to jump on me from a great height and I know that eavesdroppers never "hear" anything nice. I am aware of that and is the reason why I don't feel I can tackle her about it.

My own fault, or justification in feeling upset? This has really bothered me, and I guess the answer is to stop snooping but my dd gives me cause for concern and I feel I have to protect her from herself at such a young age.

OP posts:

UnfortunatelyMe · 15/12/2008 14:03

Well Ive always said if you dont like what you are nosing at then you have noone to blame but yourself because you shouldnt have been nosing.

Maybe say you have read it and it really hurt.

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 15/12/2008 14:04

I fully endorse snooping to protect your kids if you feel they are not telling you the truth. We need to keep them safe right? So under the circumstances you acted fine.

As for the swearing, well they all do that. She uses those words and phrases to make herself seem big and clever. Remember that there is the side to her that YOU see and the side that her friends see. Did you never tell your friends that you hated your mum? I certainly did! If my mother knew about the words that used to come out of my mouth I'd be in for a slapping!

Sit her down and explain to her why you have these rules and that you are pleased you could trust her not to meet him when you asked her not to. But don't mention anythingn about the swearing, it's very common. If you are going to snoop, you need to develop thicker skin!

MadamAnt · 15/12/2008 14:04

Oh God I remember many occasions when I bitched about my Mum, and fleetingly wished her dead. I also loved her unconditionally (and still do!). I'd just let it go, tbh.

DarksomeNight · 15/12/2008 14:08

At age 13 it was the end of the world if your mum wouldn't let you go to meet a boy. There's the whole social status thing and to not be allowed was so embarrassing. I think you're right not to let her, he could be some peado, have you spoken to her about the dangers of meeeting people in rl, whom she's met on the internet. I presume you have. As to hating you, I'm sure she doesn't, she just hates not being able to go and you are to blame for that.

I can so wait for the teen years.

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2008 14:13

Thanks, I know I used to be horrid about my parents too. I posted those couple of examples to show I know (and can remember) what teenagers are like.

What bothered me is her language and vitriol seem to be by far the worst among her friends. Blowjobs, cocks, fucking slags etc.

< puts thicker skin on >

OP posts:

CoolYourJets · 15/12/2008 14:16

That's pretty harsh. But, but at anyfucker posting this. Sorry.

glinda · 15/12/2008 14:19

Have you read your own user name?

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2008 14:20

Yes, she knows the dangers of meeting people she doesn't know.

She just seems very easily led and enamoured of the whole MSN thing. She actually sent a boy she has never met who lives in another part of the country a b'day present!

She wanted a laptop for Xmas, presumably to have more unsupervised MSN time (allllll her friends have one ). The answer was no. At the moment, the only PC time she gets is downstairs on the family desktop.

I feel like shit about it actually, because I just don't trust her to tell me the truth, and that is sooooooo not the way she has been brought up . Perhaps it was better in the olden days, when I just used to lie to my parents and they never found out!

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 15/12/2008 14:21

"I think you're right not to let her, he could be some peado" wtf??

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2008 14:22

lol CYJ and glinda too (I think )

I can assure you that the word fuck has never been uttered by myself or dh in the earshot of our children. She has picked this language up from her peers.

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DarksomeNight · 15/12/2008 14:23

Huw there have been many cases of teenage girls, and boys "meeting" people on line, who then ask to meet in real life, and then turn out not to be children, but grown ups. What was wrong with that comment. Would you let your dc's go and meet strangers they met online??

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2008 14:27

huw, what do you mean, i don't understand your post.

Are you saying I should have let her go, or reacting to the person who said this boy could be a paedo?

The main reason she wasn't allowed to meet this boy is because she wanted to go to a town she is unfamiliar with and she is only 13. I only started letting her go out on the bus with her frinds in the last year. Also, of course, she should not be meeting people in RL, that she only knows from the internet.

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bigTillyMint · 15/12/2008 14:28

My 9yo regularly tells me she hates me

Then she apologises and says it was only because she was so angry with me

I'm sure it's the same with your DD.

bogwobbit · 15/12/2008 14:32

I would try not to get too upset about what your dd has said. She's a 13 year old girl and 'hating' (not really hating iyswim) your parents goes with the territory. I can remember, at that age, wishing my dad would be killed in a car crash so that he'd be out of my life - how awful is that
As for the logging at the MSN logs, I think you're quite right too. I would do the same thing. The only thing I would say is maybe you could let her know that you might do it but make it a condition of her being allowed to use the internet, something like that.

bogwobbit · 15/12/2008 14:33

Obviously that should be 'looking' at the MSN logs.

sticksantaupyourchimney · 15/12/2008 14:36

Sorry, you'll just have to suck it up. She's entitled to vent and swear and say nasty things in a conversation with her friends. You weren't meant to read that, but you did and you can't have a go at her about it, because you're the grown up and you need to manage your emotions, not dump them on her.

whoingodsnameami · 15/12/2008 14:40

Where do you find the MSN logs, and how long does computer store them for?

notsoclever · 15/12/2008 15:21

It is another difficult one....

As a parent I can sometimes get an intuitive feel for when my dds are not being straight with me. If I challenge them outright, then I get outright denial, which I can be pretty sure is not true (and is exactly what I would have done at their age). So these are the times when I am likely to go searching out some more information - from whatever source, maybe things they've left lying around, maybe a chat with the mothers of their friends (to see if all the stories tie up).

I do this with the strong intention of protecting and supporting them. I think it is then up to me to find inventive ways to help them or to keep them safe e.g. offering to pick them up from a party that I am particularly worried about; allowing a couple of friends to come back and stay over in our house; and I have even resorted to tying her into family occasions (and blackmailing her to come along) to avoid a particular event.

And yes in the course of finding out, I have found information which I have found hurtful (about me), distressing (about her emotions) and disgusting (about what they get up to!). It is up to me as an adult to deal with my own emotions - sometimes there are particular friends I can talk to, sometimes my sister, sometimes my partner, and sometimes - well, just places like mumsnet to offload the feelings and deal with things in a more rational way. Thanks Mumsnet people for being there.

whoingodsnameami · 15/12/2008 16:53

So, how do you find the logs?

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2008 18:19

notsoclever, what a wonderful person you are < gives notsoclever an involuntary hug >

this is why I "snoop", you have put it much better than I have. It kind of enables you to have a handle on what they are doing/planning and so influence indirectly (in a good way, not a controlling way IYSWIM)

for example, a few wks ago, my dd was having a sleepover at her friends. So far, so good. I "discovered" that these friends, and some other boys were planning to all tell their parents they were at someone elses house, and then stay out all night. Of course I can't tell her how I know, and I think she doesn't really want to do it. So I organise a family event for that night and dd saves face .

sticksanta, I find your post un-necessarily aggressive. I have no intention of "having a go at her" or "dumping any of my emotions on her". My intentions are good, even if you don't agree with my methods.

whoingodsname, I will be back in a few mins to post the link that a helpful poster gave me that tells you how to save the logs

OP posts:

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2008 18:24

here is the link to the thread where I ask how to save the chat logs, and a very kind lady helps me

sorry, don't know how to narrow it down any more than that, but the thread is not a monster thread!

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scaryteacher · 16/12/2008 11:34

This is why msn is banned from my house. It's easier to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

I won't allow it as I've seen the hassle it causes and the overspill into school, which sometimes winds up involving the police.

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2008 14:27

yes, I bloody hate it actually

funnily enough, dd hasn't shown much interest in MSN for the last couple of days, lots of stuff going on coming up to xmas

am hoping this will continue

OP posts:

katinat · 20/12/2008 19:18

I intermittently read my dd online myspace/facebookthat was the dealif she wanted to get an online account, I had to have access toodone deal. I check occassionallyall seems well. She has said some nasty things about me and sometimes her dad. I do not take this personallyever. Sometimes I bitch about my husband to my friendswouldn't want him to hear it but I'm just venting. That's what my dd is doing and yours too. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Original poster

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2008 13:06

thanks kat, I have had a few days to rationalise it now and I feel better

dd has been her usual up/down sweet/not-sweet self so we will soldier on

merry xmas x

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