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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

MSN!

33 replies

mumto3boys · 20/11/2008 14:24

My son isn't a teenager yet but I wasn't too sure where else to put this.

He's almost 12 and started secondary school in September. He has recently discovered MSN.

Last week I worked out how to save the history on it and today I had a quick look. It is completely full of swearing. There is also a conversation with his girlfriend where she is telling him what code to type if a parent walks in and vice versa to make sure the other one doesn't type something they don't want a parent to see.

When he started using MSN I told him that at any time I could check back on his conversations. Although I want him to have some privacy and accept he is growing up, I also need to know if he is being reponsible using these things.

There was also a conversation on them getting away with something at school, which the teacher questioned them about.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3boys · 20/11/2008 14:41

Fell free to ignore - have spoken to DH and MSN is now banned!

OP posts:
45nanny · 20/11/2008 15:25

Hi mum23boys.How does your son feel about msn being banned, is it for always or just for the time being .Did you explain why you banned it , did you tell him you had been reading his conversation and didnt like what you found. Was he be upset that indeed you had already invaded his privacy.
I have two older girls and they both used msn . To be honest i saw it as the same as talking to their friends face to face or on the phone. A thought about reading back their history ,but didnt; it would be the same as listen to a phone conversation .
I always said i would and could check if at any time i looked over their shoulder and didnt like what i saw.(our computer is in the lounge, think that helps)I would keep and eye out on the sites they both visited ,and i did bann BEBO , but wanted to give them a bit of privacy to talk to there friends.
We all agreed that they only talked to people they new by face.
Its so very difficult having children using the computer and if i,m honest it always worried me , but i had to trust them .

Tortington · 20/11/2008 15:28

I TOLD MY DAUGHTER SHE COULD ONLY USE IT IF SHE SPELt things properly when she was around 13, seriously stifles their em...creativity

Original poster
mumto3boys · 20/11/2008 21:46

I spoke to him when he came in and we had a good chat. Basically he said they speak like that as they don't know what else to say! Seeing as he has been spending quite a long time on it some evenings, it seems pretty pointless and he isn't that bothered about it going.

It seems he's more on it because his friends are than because he wants to be.

He doesn't have a problem with me reading it. That was the agreement at the beginning. Its not for always, will give it a while and see!

OP posts:
wotsitallabout · 21/11/2008 08:24

My DD has been on MSN all the time she is home, straight from school till late at night and all day at weekend, behind closed door in her bedroom and won't let me in so I know she up to something. Last night I finally took the pc away from her, this was after a long string of other offences like lying and stealing and phone call from the school. Life is unbearable at home. She won't speak to me, won't come out of her room and has just slammed the phone down on me. How exactly do you get on to msn, I really don't know.

Original poster
mumto3boys · 21/11/2008 08:40

Oh dear, how old is she? Its a programme which she will have installed on the computer. Ours comes up as a little icon of a person on the bottom right of the screen in the toolbar but if you press the start button it will also come up on the list.

To save the history on it you have to select to do it so you probably won't be able to see past conversations.

We decided that our 11 year old is too young to use it, as it seems are all his friends. Literally the conversations consist of them all swaering at eachother for no apparent reason. I think there are better ways he could spend his evenings!

It sounds as though MSN won't be the root of your daughter's problems but it may be assisting he being more secretive about whats going on

OP posts:
saddest · 21/11/2008 11:00

I stopped my 12 year old DS using MSN.

I was horrified at some of the stuff I read from his friends and from "friends" of friends who none of them know in RL.

His friend has a laptop in his room which he can use quite freely with no supervision. When I gently suggested that his parents might want to take a look, unfortunately they stopped speaking to us. Ah well, each to their own, but conversations about boys of that age f=====g people mother's I felt was completely wrong...end of.

I think that my ds was relieved actually, when I said no more msn. It was just all too much for him, with strangers on there who could have been anyone or anything.

I don't think that you can be too careful, I really don't, and you can't stop strangers getting to your kids via their friends.

Original poster
mumto3boys · 21/11/2008 16:30

See thats the other thing. At the beginning I told him that whenever I walked in the room, if there was anyone on msn that he couldn't tell me who they were, it was going. Within 2 days he had declined 4 people who he didn't know. They were his friends contacts, but they didn't know them either.

Lots of his friends also have webcams which I was quite shocked about too.

I think its all just way too young

OP posts:
BodenGroupie · 21/11/2008 19:06

My two started on MSN around age 11 and quickly ran into problems - girls seem to say stuff on there (I hope) they wouldn't dream of saying in real life eg "you're ugly and everyone hates you" . We now have the pc where we can all see it, chat logs are there if I want to look at them (I don't usually, though have when there have been issues, with dd's agreement). I think dd1 (15) has warned her friend's I have zero tolerance of swearing so I never see anything like that - most of it seems harmless and pretty boring!

I refuse to have a webcam, seen cleavages of far too many teenage girls for my liking.

Also dislike Facebook, Bebo etc - particularly the way girls seem to pose half naked then upload photos for all to see.

Probably sound like a terrible prude, but my niece disappeared with a man 32 years older than her who she'd met online. Police couldn't act cos he waited till her 16th birthday and this was before the grooming laws. Ten years down the line we've just got a restraining order against him . Hope that explains my paranoia!

random · 21/11/2008 19:14

MOS = mum over shoulder lol I aint as stupid as I look son

BodenGroupie · 23/11/2008 00:50

Random, I could do with a similar get out for when my family catches me on Mumsnet! Sure my kids check my posts

anyfucker · 24/11/2008 12:40

can anyone help me?

how exactly do you save msn history or chat logs ?

my 13 yo dd is giving me cause for concern, and when she was first allowed to use msn we had an ageement I could look anytime what she was up to

I have never looked however as I essentially trust her and feel uncomfortable with snooping, but something potentially serious is really worrying me

SpookyMadMummy · 24/11/2008 13:30

There's a little box 'show menu' click that then tools, then options. On the left side there is a menu - select messages and check the box for keeping messages. It will save them to a file of your choosing on your computer. Make sure you apply it tho - that's something I always forget!!!

anyfucker · 24/11/2008 13:44

thanks, will try it

anyfucker · 24/11/2008 14:01

omg, there are hundreds of icons o click on !!!!

this will take me days !

SpookyMadMummy · 24/11/2008 14:07

Aww!!

The show menu one is on the home page bit, just above and to the right of online contacts.

anyfucker · 24/11/2008 14:09

no, sorry I mean I have all the chat logs (for some reason were saved already in "my documents"

but there are loads of logs !!!

SpookyMadMummy · 24/11/2008 14:10

Oh hell!!! you have loads of reading to do then!!!!
It must have already been on?

anyfucker · 24/11/2008 14:17

yep, already on !!

most of em seem to be inane "hi's" and "bye's", also once you have read one, there is no indication that it has already been looked IYKWIM

< looks round nervously and wonders why none of the privacy police are jumping on me from a great height >

SpookyMadMummy · 24/11/2008 14:22

Why not just look at a random selection? the chances are if anything is happening that you don;t like, it will pop up in a random file.. then just delete the rest?

anyfucker · 24/11/2008 14:24

yeah, will do that thanks spookymummy

cheers

london · 30/11/2008 09:13

I want to switch the history on on ebuddy - which is how my DD accesses MSN. We cannot work out how to do this. It should be in settings but doesn't seem to be. Can any one help please???

fizzbuzz · 03/12/2008 15:31

When ds was 12, I used to make him show me his contacts, and I would delete any that looked dodgy.

snowy91 · 12/12/2008 21:18

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm 17yrs old and if my mum looked on my msn convos i'd murder her!!!!!!!!!
i've used msn since yr 6 ish and have probs sworn loads and talked about stuff my mum wouldn't have liked but it's my life and my mum dosn't care what i say to my friends as long as i keep it within my friends and don't do it at home or to adults......

I personally think you're all very paranoid and very rude.....it's a bit wrong to looks at a 12 yrs olds convos with thier friends/gf/bf i have convos with my friends that i wouldn't want my parents knowing...what if they're talking about a problem they don't want you knowing about or don't want you bothering over...
sorry for this rant and yes i did sign up just to say this but this is my opinion which i would say is probs shared by you 12yr old dd and ds!

mdrooney · 12/12/2008 21:52

snow91 are you a mum, im not being rude but the only reason we want to check or I would want to check their msns is to make sure that are dc are safe and that it is not being used in the wrong way, I agree that dc as they get older deseve privacy but sometimes as they are growing up things crop up in their lives that they cant cope with and as the computer has taken over alot of their lives their is alot more chance of dc being bullied and groomed the only reason that we want to check is to protect are dc, I have experenced this with dd who was being bullied by old friends from her primary trying to make her say things about diffent girls why they were togther, and I spotted it straight away, The comp in my house is in the living room and I let them have prvicy but if I am concerned about the welfare of my dcs I will check that things are ok and if I have concerns then I will check their msns, we, I only do it as a proctection of aur dc and you will understand that one day