Manhandled 12 yo daughter last night

[LovesTents]

It's so hard sometimes to know if you have done the right thing -grrr.

Yesterday evevning 12 yo dd was being quite stroppy, she was watching a video in the playroom and was asked to pull over the curtain ,she gave out about this and wouldn't do it, then she kicked the coffe table out of the way when she eventually got up to do it.

This just drove me mad and I told her to go to her room, anyway, I ended manhandling her up to the bedroom and she hit me about the head quite hard while I was doing it.

I was really upset and shocked over this and I just don't know what to do about it. I don't think I was being too rough when I was trying to get her to go to upstairs , I just didn't know what else to do to get her up there.
Although when I got her to her room I did push her onto the bed as I was so annoyed about her hitting me and she started screaming like a banshee, I'm sure if anyone heard they would have thought she was being murdered.

I feel bad that I manhandled her. What do you do though ? Should I just have left her and let her get her own way - I felt that I couldn't do that.Her slapping me has really got to me though ,although I also think she is getting too old to be physically moved about like I would with my 5yo.

I also agree with julienoshoes.
We are on our 5th teen with a 12y and 10yo waiting in the wings.

I did read Julienoshoes' post several times, with great interest, but I still don't understand how she would know what to do.
So I am thick.
But can someone (Juule, bags4life?) please explain -- does she mean that she approaches every conflict trying to negotiate a solution? Or something else?

Does negotiating ALWAYS work? What do you do when it doesn't?

I have read your original post again and I suppose what I mean is that I wouldn't have got so upset in the first place about a teen not pulling the curtains or whatever. This is what led to the kicking over of the coffee table and then the manhandling.

I can quite understand how furious you would be with the above scenario. I would be too.

Your DD was definitely over-reacting to being asked but I think I would have ignored the refusal to do it, pulled the curtains myself or left them open. She is probably looking for a reaction from you so she can make a scene. Her view point will have been 'I am in middle of watching video, why do the curtains need to be pulled' = in her (teenage) eye's completely ridiculous request. Hence the scene!

I agree it is extremely trying, but who is now upset, shaken, distressed by it all? You, not her.

Eventually she will see it is not worth making a great scene over things and then when she is in a reasonable mood, you can explain why you wanted the curtains closed etc. and that you are not doing it just to be annoying but for a legitimate reason.

BTW I certainly do not condone her slapping you. But it is a bit late now for advice about that!!!!

Sorry lljkk
I have only just seen your reply/question

I try not to do conflict anyway. Conflict makes everyone unhappy it seems to me. I did enough conflict the first time round with a teen and it made everything worse worse worse.

I'd always rather find a win/win situation.
The teens in our house know this and prefer vastly prefer life like this, than the way it used to be.

Like bagsforlife I wouldn't have got upset at her for not pulling the curtains or whatever.
I would have phrased the request as a pleasantly and not as an order and would have explained why I wanted it done.
"Do me a favour and pull those curtains across will you? It's getting cold and that will stop some of the drafts and we'll all keep warm."
Knowing that I wouldn't make a scene, if the teens here hadn't so straight away, they would tend to tell me why they wouldn't do it right then- "Hang on this is an exciting bit of the film" and will usually do it at a convenient moment later anyway.
If pulling the curtains had been such a big deal at that moment, I'd have done so myself.

Our offspring, also go to lengths not to create a scene, as I said, having done the conflict/screaming/shouting scenes in the past, we all much prefer to Live Consensually
and yes when the whole family lives this way, it does always work and everyone is happier for it.

I am not trying to preach to anyone. But I feel there is another way to all those horrible scenes and feeling so ruddy awful.

Julienoshoes, in light of the LC philosophy, do you feel like commenting on my thread?