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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I this ok for a just-turned-twelve year old?

36 replies

thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 18:33

DS has just turned 12 and last week told me he had a girlfriend. At the time, all they seemed to do was talk at school and msn in the evenings - all fairly innocent. Anyway, this week he asked if he could go to the shops after school with his mates and his girlfriend. I said yes as we live only five minutes away from the shopping centre, on the condition he came home from school first to change, took his mobile and was home by quarter past six. He was home at 6:15 on the dot, with his gf who was getting a lift home from our house. As they siad goodbye, they snogged - proper snog, lasting for a while. I am totally thrown by this and can't figure out whether its just because i naively still think of him as my little boy or whether because he is too young at twelve to be doing this and worried about where it might lead. I am quite aware of what goes on and have always thought I would be quite cool about girlfriends etc - I have talked to DS extensively about the birds and the bees and he comes to me with any problems/questions etc - ironically I work in sexual health, predominantly with young people, but have probably thought that 'my kids wouldn't be like that!!!' So is this too much at that age or is it normal?

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 13/11/2008 18:35

I wouldn't be happy TBH - I think it is a bit young. I am not sure how I would handle it though. Is the gf the same age?

MrsWeasley · 13/11/2008 18:38

aww It very much depends on the child IME. My DD was so mortified when her bf of 3 months asked when they would be able to kiss that she dumped him. She was 12 and a half but her friend (and neighbour) had been proper kissing (with tongues) for over a year and not with the same partner. DD was

thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 18:38

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is a bit young. She is in his year so must be 11 or twelve. I don't know her parents at all - we are new to the area - so i don't know what they make of it. When he first told me I asked whether they had swapped numbers or anything and they hadn't, so I just assumed it was an innocent thing - bit of a status thing rather than anything else. Now i am not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 13/11/2008 18:41

LOL.

If all they are doing is snogging, that really is fine.

My sister had her first snogging boyfriend at 10 (lasted four years). She grew up into a normal woman with a Cambridge degree, a PhD and a husband and three children.

thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 18:42

Gosh Mrs Weasley - it just seems so young, but you are right, it does depend on the child. DS is very mature for his age - started going through puberty very early on and his voice had broken has he has a little moustache any everything now!! He is a lot more grown up than other boys on the street who are the same age as him, so I am not surprised he was the first to have a gf. I do actually trust him to be sensible as he is very mature, but somehow it still seems really young! Maybe i just need to accept that he is growing up, I don't know.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 13/11/2008 18:43

Snogging is ok from this age, imo. When did you start snogging? I can imagine it takes you aback to see your baby having a snog though. Have you had lots of chats about him always checking that the snog is welcome? I think he's a bit young for anything more than snogging though.

thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 18:43

Thanks Anna, that is reassuring!! I think it is more the fact that he is growing up and is not so innocent anymore.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 13/11/2008 18:46

Yup, the problem lies with you .

Rest assured, this is completely normal behaviour.

mooog · 13/11/2008 18:48

I had my first boyfriend by the age of 11yrs old and we snogged constantly, needless to say I didnt loose my virgnity until the age of 18 and had my first child at 30.
I am sure your ds will be perfectly alright.

janeite · 13/11/2008 18:48

I agree with 3littlefrogs in thinking that it seems very young indeed.

lljkk · 13/11/2008 18:56

It seems young, but I know (have witnessed) yr-4s trying to snog at school disco (so, mostly 8yos), and DD (yr2, 7yo) is always telling me who kissed who, including who she's kissed recently.

All this happening at school, and how the staff don't notice, I'll never know!

The good thing is that DD tells me what she's doing, and the good thing is that at least OP's son is open about what he's up to. My initial gut feeling is that if it were my 12yo DS, I would try to sound out what he thought the right limits to physical contact should be for him, right now. Try to coax him into concluding that taking it slow is best.

janeite · 13/11/2008 19:04

OMG. I must move in more innocent circles then. I remember a friend's daughter always talking about who she fancied etc when she was in primary school and my dds being quite repulsed by all the talk. They are now 13 and 11 and seem to still have similar opinions: that boys are to be tolerated or ignored, unless they are the ones they've known all their lives, in which case they'll deign to speak to/play with them occasionally!

thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 19:13

Thanks for all the advice. I must admit, there is still a part of me who thinks it's too young, but I do take on board what you are all saying about it being fairly normal in certain circles. I think I will talk to him about relationships etc but I think i mainly just need to chill out and accept my lad is growing up

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bagsforlife · 13/11/2008 19:39

Is he tall and well developed for his age?

IMO there are some 12yr old boys who are still small and physically immature and then others who are huge and 'developed'. There is a big difference at this age between those who are 'grown up' and those who aren't.

I have a 12yr old DS and isn't (as far as I know,although could well be wrong!) at this stage yet. Have two much older DCs as well so am not completely innocent of teenage behaviour!

IllegallyBrunette · 13/11/2008 19:47

I'd be shocked and think it is too young tbh.

thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 20:17

bagsforlife- he is tall and well developed for his age, a lot more so than other boys that live on our street that are the same age as him. He is also a lot more mature than them. I have talked to dh who thinks that as he is so mature and sensible, it is not something to be worried about, and i think i agree, although i am still struggling with it tbh! I guess the thing that lessens the worry for me is that we always know where he is and he has strict instructions for the few times when he does go out about what time to be back etc which he has never broken. He does not go out at night or anything - the latest he is out is 8pm and that is only when he is out in our street messing around with the other kids in our street (we live at the bottom of a culd de sac so have full view of him at all times) so i think i can trust him and still feel secure in the boundaries we have set him, so to speak. Sorry to ramble - i guess i am trying to rationalise it in my own head!!!

OP posts:
thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 20:20

sorry - should clarify - if he is out later than 8pm, it is because he is at a friends house, pre-arranged between us and their parents. I have always believed that you have to set boundaries for kids, but also accept that they need a social life etc. It gets tricky as they get older, I guess!!

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PuppyMonkey · 13/11/2008 20:22

Dd is nearly 12 and all her mates are doing similar. She's a bit peeved as she is the only one without a bf. I told her she's better of without 'em!

janeite · 13/11/2008 20:26

I just asked dd1 13 what age she thought "snogging" should start. She says that neither she nor her friends are in the slightest bit interested yet; maybe I'm lucky. I don't really go with the "development" thing - dd is very mature, started her periods over a year ago, is already much, much taller than I am - but is clearly not at all interested in the whole "boy thing" yet. I'm glad to be honest; so many things seem to be happening younger and younger and it saddens me. You know, seven and eight year olds thinking they are too "old" for dolls, young girls in "bra tops" etc. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

janeite · 13/11/2008 20:27

Girlwithacurl - it sounds like you are handling things just right though; I don't mean my comments as criticisms at all.

thegirlwiththecurl · 13/11/2008 20:42

I know that Janeite and thanks for your comments . I do know how you feel - I wish it wasn't happening now!! I also agree totally with how children seem to be doing things younger and younger and really hate some of the marketing that goes on (bloody hell, I feel old now!!). I have two younger girls so guess i will be experiencing these feelings for many years to come. Thanks to all for the advice, it has been very reassuring.

OP posts:
bagsforlife · 13/11/2008 20:52

You sound like you are dealing with it very well. Children really do develop at very different rates. My nephew was physically very mature at 12 while my DS1 (the same age) was still a child and still playing childish games whilst nephew had girlfriend.

Boys in my DS2s class have 'girlfriends' whilst he isn't interested. Your son sounds delightful and well behaved so I shouldn't worry other than giving him the obvious common sense advice. But I know it is hard to realise they are suddenly growing up!

mumeeee · 14/11/2008 20:57

I think 12 is a bit young.

cory · 16/11/2008 14:59

Oooo, I would have loved for someone to have snogged me when I was 12. Nobody ever offered

snowcrystal · 17/11/2008 15:00

I think its likely to end as quickly as it began.I know my son did the same at 12 then it was all off and no more girlfriends for 2or 3 years.Is now 17 with steady gf and very popular with the girls~don't know if is linked.Def don't worry

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