Gay son

[10krunner]

My 16yo DS1 annnounced to me last night that he's gay and has a boyfriend.

so how do you feel about it?

I'm not sure really, I think I'm still in shock

did you have any idea?

I think it's great that he was actually able to tell you , many people aren't able to tell their parents

Penelope - no, I had no idea at all.
Grublin - I'm glad he could tell me but apparently quite a few of his friends already knew and his boyfriends mum knew so I'm a bit upset that he didn't feel he could tell me sooner.

10krunner - he probably didn't tell you first as i imagine it is much harder to tell the person that you really care for and whose approval you really want. it must have taken quite a bit of courage to tell you but also shows that he really trusts you - i know someone who didn't tell his parents he was gay until he was 30 as he was so worried about their reaction

don't stress about who he has told and who he hasn't, he has told you and thats all that matters.

have you spoken to him about it or did be tell you and run?

HQ, you put it so much better than I could say. I was about to post along those same lines

Its great that he told you.
How did you react? Perhaps you could have a chat to him later on once the shock has worn off a bit, if you didnt say too much last night.
I'm sure he's appreciate knowing you support him and still love him the same etc (I'm sure he knows this anyway, but always good to hear it out loud)

Don't be upset he didn't tell you sooner, it's a big deal for him to admit this to his mum. You are one of the most important people in his life so he probably agonised over telling you. It's so good that he's been able to tell you as soon as he has, so many people never have the chance or the ubderstanding to EVER tell their parents and a lot wait til much older. Remember that he's still your son,it doesn't change anything or effect your relationship with him at all.

We didn't really talk too much last night. It was only last night when I was tossing and turning in bed that questions started popping up in my head. I'll have a better chat with him tonight. I suppose I should have the condom talking with him too Me and his dad split up when he was 9 and we have both re-married and despite his dad only living 6 miles down the road he only sees him once every couple of months so these kinds of talks generally end up being done by me

Safe sex talk is important but I personally wouldn't jump straight in with it.
He's still the same little boy as you have always known and loved. great news that at 16 he told you! ( even if you weren't the first).
I reckon a big hug is in order for him.. let him know you love him, and are proud of him, it's really important.

lets face it.. he can still get "married" he can still have children, it's just his preference of partner.. but you wouldn't like all his partners.. some you'll like some you won't whether he's gay or not.

It really isn't such a huge deal.

No, I won't jump straight in with it but I think its an important talk to have all the same.

Everyone else knew my best friend was gay before he announced it. I had no clue, nor did his family.

Your sons friends may have just known, iykwim. It's great that he told you. I think my friend told other people before his family, and it took awhile for it to sink in with them. He's still the same person.

very important ( gay or straight).. gotta keep our baies safe!

Just didn't want you to start with the line.." so glad you could tell me yur gay... now what about the condoms??"

He would have images of you thinking about him having sex.. would be awful!

babies*

exactly BCNS, he's my child and always will be regardless of what he says/does and I still want him to stay safe. He's certainly not chosen the easy option though.

10kr, great that your son felt able to tell you; I completely understand that you're feeling a bit worried about how his life will be (from your last post). I came out to my mother when I was 21 and although she was brilliant to my face, she told me later she'd been devastated and had burst into tears at work the next day; not because she thought it was terrible herself, but she thought I would be a social outcast and have a horrible life (this was mid-70's!). It didn't take long for her to realise that I was very happy and had lots of delightful friends. This is just to say to you that it's not necessarily more difficult being gay than being straight, and with your love and support your son will probably have no more struggles than any other young person - yes, he may face homophobia, but that can be challenged like any other prejudice.
I would say raise the topic of safer sex, maybe just to check that he knows the basics. Good source of info on GMFA website here

good luck to you and your son

Just to add, I realise your son is quite young and that is probably a worry to you too. I don't know where you live, but many areas of the country have social/support groups for young gay people. Your phone book will probably have a listing in the "useful numbers" section at the front.

Thanks Luifera. He's not a very extroverted person so I don't think he'd be interested in going to any groups but I'll pass the website address on to him (probably best I don't open it from here at work, not sure what'll pop up )

It must have been a shock. I sometimes think this might be something we might encounter with our own son and I have recently been doing some reading on the subject, just in case he ever surprises me in the future.

No matter how well you take it, it still has changed the way you saw your son's and your own future, hasn't it?

I hope I handle the situation, if it arises, as well as you have done.

Thanks abraid. It has changed the way I see his future. I worry for him and he's not taken an easy route for his future but hopefully he'll be ok.

although you are shocked, you should also be very proud of a young man brave enough to admit to the world who he is and how he wishes to live his life, even though sometimes it may be difficult.

He's already having difficulties. Spoke to DS more over the weekend. I expressed surprise that he wasn't seeing his boyfriend this weekend and he told me he wasn't allowed out, I asked him why and he said that his mum wouldn't let him out because he was planning on meeting my DS . She apparently does know her DS is gay but isn't happy about it.

Well, my son sort of came out during his sister's 18th dinner (just family) and then keeps saying he isn't gay he is bisexual. But then he is. And he spends a lot of time on GYUK which is a perfectly nice forum for young gay teens. I must say I was gutted - I really sympathise 10krunner, and I also have known a lot of boys thoroughly bisexual in their mid teens who grew out of it later and married. I think a real problem today is that the fluid nature of human sexuality has been set in stone so you have to characterise yourself in some way and identify yourself as gay, straight, bi-curious, transexual, whatever. It is all rather political and doesn't allow for the sheer oddity of humans. Tom Robinson (Sing if you're glad to be gay) is now married with children for instance. Instead of a just a person who fancies other people - or not as the case may be. I love my son dearly, and want so desperately for him to be safe and happy. Will just have to see how it goes for him, and make sure he knows he doesn't have to be one thing or another for a few years yet - doesn't have to join any team, from Goth to steam punk to whatever. he can just be himself and do his best and try things on for size. His exams are more important than his sexuality at this stage. And he never washes unless forced bathroomwards, and I said to him the other day, I thought the advantage of a gay son was they were clean? O Muuuuuuum, he said. If gay is what he is, then I will encourage him to understand that we aim at the ideal of permanent relationships whatever our sexuality, and that is now defined by legal partnership, which is great news. But, you can't help your instinct, and I was gutted, and I totally sympathise. It is literally a gut feeling, like being punched in the stomach. Not rational at all.