It's all kicked off - more off loading than advice - maybe a little advice and a lot of offloading ( might be long)

[Tortington]

ds1 got fired from his job on saturday - his job was 2 hours in the morning - he left at 7am and came home after 9 am.

he has been pretending that he has his job since saturday. i knew on monday - i dont really take much notice of what happens at a weekend( which he works.) but i knew.

so i decided to tackle him about it this am

his GF is living with us becuse..........and listen to this shiznit

he was working at bultins and got fired.

she left her job as a sales assistant to work at bultins with ds.

she had a uni placement in sept and didn't take it up syaing she was having a year off!

so he gets fired and she is let at butlins.

her mum wont take her back becuase her BF ( who ws done for manslaughter some years ago - no shit) doesn't like her

despite knowing that she has other family i said that she could stay here and they thought i swallowed allt he shit that she had no where to go.

i asked them both for board money and got not a lot from either of them as they both worked part time. this money i put away - as i told them they had to get a bedsit come january and i was going to give it back to them so they could use as a deposit or whatever - as a surprise.

i have been on at ds for a few weeks becuase pt job isn't good enough 2 hours a day ffs.

but i have been the one reearching stuff. i have been the one fiulling uin online application forms and looking at job centre plus websites and quite frankly he hasn't made much of an effort at all

we are within a 10 min walk from town centre for job centre.

this monring it all came to a head. he hasn't even been doing hs chores
the gf was complicit in this lie - that he was still working - when he wasn't and i told her that it was now time for her to leave.

ds went mental telling me she had no where to go - i told him i knew very well she not only has her mother - who might or moight not take her - but her nan, cousins and her dad and step mum. i told them both its certainly not the problem of the boyfriends mother.

i told he it didn't have to bne tonight - she can go tomorrow or day after.

anyway upshot is ds went ballistic and slammed out the bhouse screaming FUCK YOUR HOUSE

not seen him all ay and dd1 informs me that he is going to kip on the streets - the gf has a place at her aunties but there is no room for him ( quell surprize)

dh says that its about time he grew up and i do everything for him. i agree

and apart from being a tinsy bit worried - not overly mind you, i am a bit relived. - i have been taken for a mug over and over

i have told dd not to become a conduit ( she adores ds1) if he wants his clothes - he knocks on front door.

if he taps on her window at 2am ( has done before) she is to come and get me.

dya know what? they were sharing a room with ds2 (15) and made it so uncomfortable for him to be there he moved into what we term a games room - the smalledst extension int he loft over the bathroom - like the loft to a small bathroom IYKWIM.

i swear to god i have done what i can
i even filled in a housing application for him and asked him to finish it off - i work in housing ffs

i have researched apprenticeships and everything. and if he wants to tell everyone i kicked him out then fuck it - i haven't i told her to leave becuase of his actions and her complicit omission

thoughts?

will bbl, have stuff to do

Custy I have been quietly following this thread and I really feel for you. Just let me say, my mum has gone through the same thing as you are now with two of my younger sisters (at different times, thank god) and on both times they ended up back in touch with my mum because no matter what they thought they knew when they left they definitely knew she would never turn her back on them.
Your boy knows the same. He will come to his senses and and you must remember that in the not so distant future your lad will have settled down and even become more mature with time.
From what I can gather you have been the most supportive a mum can be!! Now it is time for him to learn a few lessons of his own albeit hard lessons, it will work out in the end.
Wish you well xx

I've just read this thread, Custy I have nothing much to add, only that it seems you have done your absolute best for your son. He is 19 a GROWN UP. He has to learn to stand on his own two feet, as others have said I think this whole episode will only do him good. At his age I had left home and was living in a rented house with friends and SLUGS yuk.

I also used to work with teenagers - 13 - 19 yrs olds who were in care, these were children/young adults who had had the absolute worst start to life. Long histories of abuse, violence, all kinds of ghastliness. They had been removed from homes for their own safety or the safety of parents/siblings if they were violent. Anyway my point is that all of these children loved their parents. Even if the parents had done the most terrible things to them in the past. It surprised me no end but these kids all loved their folks. I don't think you will lose the love of your son over this.

Best of luck, it is an awful situation for you and the rest of your family.

ooo just thought of something else to add . . .

At 18/19 I was GLAD to leave home. I couldn't wait to be honest. It was a bit scarey but bloody hell a whole lot more fun that living with my parents.

He will be fine.

thanks, thats reassuring xx

dd was talking about ds this am and i told her i didn't want him mentioned, she said fine, he doesn't think you deserve to know where he is.

poer reclaimation. thats the order of the day.

power

Kick in the teeth though isn't it? Being told that you don't deserve to know where he is, simply because you tried to make him start to take responsibility for himself.

I do hope his friends get fed up with him soon and he can start to realise just what looking out for yourself really means. All the while he has a mate's sofa and access to food and sanitation, he's going to think he made the right move.

yes exactly a huge kick in the teeth. i am utterly disgusted at his behaviour quite frankly.

one hour on mumsnet then i am off to purge.

"You're his mum, not his minder / fixer".

This assertion is correct but I would add that you cannot also act as his enabler. You have enabled him on occasion - it does not help. Filling in housing forms on his behalf is enabling him.

Enabling people does not help them or for that matter you. My FIL and MIL are now stuck with their 45 year old manchild in their house. They have enabled him to the nth degree and how have they been repaid by their son - with absolute contempt that's what. Please do not make the same mistakes as they have done.

just read all this. My dd ran away at 14 after giving us hell for 2 years (she was nearly 15). Gawds it was awful. She has fetched up at the in-laws and is now doing A levels. So she is safe. But I felt like a crap mother, a failure and was nearly broken by it all.
I still miss her (haven't seen her for 2 years) so we're still going through it but life is a lot calmer now for us, her sister and her brother and she is learning how to be mature and more responisble (so I'm tolf. Mind you, she lives with wealthy in-laws like only child)
Your son is 19 and an adult and seriously, he was treating you like a servant and behaving like a toddler. Some kids just turn out like that whatever you do as a mum. Don't blame yourself. He'll be fine. My brother walked out at 17 and grew up very quickly and was fine.

good luck and have more wine.

He is being a big baby drama queen - you didn't kick him out, you asked her to leave after extreme pisstaking from the pair of them. She has a place at her aunties therefore there's not a problem, he's just having a giant tantrum that he's no longer getting everything his own way - deeply unnappealing behaviour in a 19year old!

Sounds to me like you've handled it brilliantly, you've done all you can and the only approach left is tough love. You'll get through it and so will he.

i think you are right meerkat, i was enabler. ( tiz me custy)

thansk for all your messages

dh and i gutted the room. the black bin liners and suitcase are here ready for dumping - we decided to do it tomorrow

difficult to post atm but i have not forgotten i need to come back and write to you custy (tis umberellascankill). keep chin up luv x

ok tx

riiiiiiight! sorry, taken a while to get some peace to srite to you. you posted on a thread of mine, about six or seven months ago (was incognito), about my dp's disgusting behaviour after dd was born. you probably don't remember.

aaanyway. awful situation.

the back story was that he had smoked cannabis for years. lived with his mum for years, who managed his days (best intentions - got him out doing various activities, jobs etc) when he was young. it basically got to the point that he was so expectant of her organising everything for him that he just didn't bother his arse doing anything for himself never mind anyone else. her 'support' basically turned into a means for him to do sod all and just keep smoking. he ended up with a serious drug habit, and she kept trying to make everything nice for him, putting him up, giving him cash. he was much better when i met him, but then totally went to bits when we had dd. i really think the way his mother handled him and his wayward behaviour when he was the age of your ds, set the tone for the way he's handled (or not handled) any responsibility in his life.

long and boring -but you know this already. he needs to stand on his own at the moment. smoking pot is not a harmless pastime for lots of folk. my dp was one of them. twenty years he spent smoking that crap, getting sullen and wallowing in negativity and his own self-imposed hopelessness and impotence. it's not too late for your boy but he needs a big shock and to wake up to the fact that he is in charge of his future -don't let him put you in the position of feeling responsible for him and his future. You've done your most important work now -all you can do is offer guidance and support, the rest is up to him. standing back and letting him know the reality of standing on his own two feet may e the best thing you can do for him right now.

Hope you're feeling bit better.

How's it going Custy/Smuttymuckycock?

Has he crawled back offering profuse apologies and flowers yet?

Just caught up with this. Sorry things are tough with ds1. Hope you guys make up soon and evrything miraculously sorts itself out. I think he is a good boy at heart with a lovely mum.

Just seen this too. Sorry you're having this stress with ds1. At least you know he's got somewhere to stay. Having some distance from his family and his home might help your ds1 be more clear headed about what he wants to do with his life - you never know.

You couldn't have done more for him, perhaps you just have to step back now and see what plans he comes up with.