It's all kicked off - more off loading than advice - maybe a little advice and a lot of offloading ( might be long)

[Tortington]

ds1 got fired from his job on saturday - his job was 2 hours in the morning - he left at 7am and came home after 9 am.

he has been pretending that he has his job since saturday. i knew on monday - i dont really take much notice of what happens at a weekend( which he works.) but i knew.

so i decided to tackle him about it this am

his GF is living with us becuse..........and listen to this shiznit

he was working at bultins and got fired.

she left her job as a sales assistant to work at bultins with ds.

she had a uni placement in sept and didn't take it up syaing she was having a year off!

so he gets fired and she is let at butlins.

her mum wont take her back becuase her BF ( who ws done for manslaughter some years ago - no shit) doesn't like her

despite knowing that she has other family i said that she could stay here and they thought i swallowed allt he shit that she had no where to go.

i asked them both for board money and got not a lot from either of them as they both worked part time. this money i put away - as i told them they had to get a bedsit come january and i was going to give it back to them so they could use as a deposit or whatever - as a surprise.

i have been on at ds for a few weeks becuase pt job isn't good enough 2 hours a day ffs.

but i have been the one reearching stuff. i have been the one fiulling uin online application forms and looking at job centre plus websites and quite frankly he hasn't made much of an effort at all

we are within a 10 min walk from town centre for job centre.

this monring it all came to a head. he hasn't even been doing hs chores
the gf was complicit in this lie - that he was still working - when he wasn't and i told her that it was now time for her to leave.

ds went mental telling me she had no where to go - i told him i knew very well she not only has her mother - who might or moight not take her - but her nan, cousins and her dad and step mum. i told them both its certainly not the problem of the boyfriends mother.

i told he it didn't have to bne tonight - she can go tomorrow or day after.

anyway upshot is ds went ballistic and slammed out the bhouse screaming FUCK YOUR HOUSE

not seen him all ay and dd1 informs me that he is going to kip on the streets - the gf has a place at her aunties but there is no room for him ( quell surprize)

dh says that its about time he grew up and i do everything for him. i agree

and apart from being a tinsy bit worried - not overly mind you, i am a bit relived. - i have been taken for a mug over and over

i have told dd not to become a conduit ( she adores ds1) if he wants his clothes - he knocks on front door.

if he taps on her window at 2am ( has done before) she is to come and get me.

dya know what? they were sharing a room with ds2 (15) and made it so uncomfortable for him to be there he moved into what we term a games room - the smalledst extension int he loft over the bathroom - like the loft to a small bathroom IYKWIM.

i swear to god i have done what i can
i even filled in a housing application for him and asked him to finish it off - i work in housing ffs

i have researched apprenticeships and everything. and if he wants to tell everyone i kicked him out then fuck it - i haven't i told her to leave becuase of his actions and her complicit omission

thoughts?

will bbl, have stuff to do

cheers smb. lol at "do him in"

ds2 would be shouted from the rooftops if ds1 left. They share a room too; ds1 is a messy bugger and ds2 has OCD. He has an imaginary line drawn down the room and if ds1's mess encroaches on his bit the shit really hits the fan.

Enjoy the peace for a wee while.

I am sorry but ROFL at you being deleted from his Facebook

I have visions of him slamming his fingers down on the computer thinking "that'll show her"

good idea re saying things out loud in front of dd in the hope of her repeating (good!!) stuff. Do NOT say "oh my lord, how fab is it without him huffing about"

oh the joys of all this to come eh?

pmsl i know!

if he has managed to delete you, he clearly has access to technology, so he is fiiiiiine!!!!

I could tell you to stop worrying, but he is your baby and you are his mum, and that will never happen, 'owever 'ard you think you are.

sooooooo

feel safe in the knowledge that he is an adult, he CAN take care of himself, and he is no doubt like all teens right now and bleating about how horrid you are to anyone who will listen.

and he won;t stay away for long I am sure......he's gonna want xmas presents surely!

his birthday in two weeks.

his clothes are here...he didn't pack

we'll see

xxxxxxxxxx

LOL! They don't think ahead, do they? I'd say he'll be back in a day when he runs out of clean undies, but teenage boys can often make one pair last for several weeks .

oh, he'll be back by the weekend then.......just in case you have already bought him something uber-fab for his birthday and you might just return it if he does not return soon!!!

well apparently they have somewhere to stay, i hear froma source, but i'm supposed to not know about this - and fret and wail and cry.

arse

Send a message back via the same source that you are redecorating his room and turning it into a single occupancy den for ds2. He'll be back straight away.

Hang in there Custy - he knows how much you care for him/what you have done over the years, or at least it will dawn on hime very quickly after a few nights in the real world!

Keep us posted.

bloody kids!!!! Custy, i feel your pain, mind you, my DD is the GF!!! She will always be welcome home, but i would be happier if she stays with her boyfriend. Let HIS mother put up with her sulks, her MINGING knickers hidden behind the bed. Her lack of contribution etc etc. I don;t know why they put up with it, but her DP (my DD has a DP, how old do i feel) does have quite a well paid job, but even so - i think you are a SAINT to have had the girl in your house.

My relationship with dd is much better now. Maybe it is time your son got out there and fended for himself, but something tells me, he will be back .

I went through the whole, what will people think shit - but i don't care anymore, my DD is happy.

lol cheers! i am quite chilled about it

i went to the loo and left the door open in my own house.

i feel liberated

how you feelin today??

still chilled and enjoying going to the loo in peace

yeah, pretty much. this is turning into a game for him i think. there is a teenage gossip circle that all my teenagers are in becuase they all know the same people, dd hangs around with oldest ds's friends and she was at school late yesterday doing some coursework and i managed to subtely interrogate her bF who came over early.

so i know that ds has somewhere to stay. i know he gets his last wages from the job he got fired from - he was paid monthly so he has 3 weeks coming. so i know that for at least the next 2-3 weeks i prob won't hear from him as he has shelter and money.

i was quite clear yeterday in front of the twins and the BF that eldest ds has 'shit it' and that there ain't no cryin and wailin for his return. and if at some point he wants to he will have to apologise.

i am certain he wants the drama, he wants me to be searching the streets - its v. immature 15 yo stuff - not the stuff of a 19 yo.

he's a man, a man that i am in some ways ashamed of. that the product of all these years investment from me as a parent has failed - and i am therefore a failure as a parent - this i know, i don't need platitudes - it won't change anything. he has his good points.

when he isn't smoking dope he is a great kid, but i can't change what he is now. i tried. the mould has been created - by him and by me i suppose and its a shit mould. he has a shit life coming and i can't stop it.

its the most helpless feeling watching your child do this. to compound everything, i probably know of more agencies out there to help him get on than the average paretn becuas of my work. i can go out on any one day and talk to other teenagers about education and training opportunities and ry to inspire them to get on in life and to make their own future from the sht hand they have been dealt but my son is hell bent on being a train crash.
whilst all the other parents at work are talking about how their teenagers are taking a year out and travelling, applying to uni, or have this job or the other, i have nothing to be proud of. Nothing.

Bloody hell.

I don't know if this will help but here's the story of a very good friend of mine. He managed to piss off every last friend and his parents between the ages of 16 and 21. He smoked weed constantly, asked anyone he could to borrow money, always scrounging pints etc, even stole from his mum. She kicked him out after he wouldn't stop smoking pot in his room (he had a junior school aged sister).

He moved from shared house to bedsit to crashing on floors, leaving a trail of unpaid rent and debt behind him. At this point I gave up on him too, as did his sister, a very close friend of mine also. I remember their mum tearing her hair out wondering where she'd gone wrong.

Age 21 he came into a fair bit of money (trust fund from inheritance), we all thought he'd just blow it, but instead he went tail between his legs to his mum, apologised and asked what he could do to sort himself out.

He decided to do a year working in Canada, mainly at a snowboarding resort as general chalet boy, but also at a local Wendys. He worked his ass off but had a really great time. He came back, put down a deposit and moved into his own flat and began training as a snowboard instructor. This was 7 years ago now and he's doing really well. His mum even asked him to walk her down the aisle when she remarried.

So there is hope.

Oh and btw, you have yourself to be proud of for dealing with such an awful situation so level headedly and calmly.

custy, you do have something to be proud of......a damn lot in fact, so don;t knock yourself.

you son is not just a product of you, he is a product of everyone who has had a hand in raising him, and also those who he has come into contact as a teenager.

we can only do our very best to pass on our own values to our children, we cannot however force them upon them, and if they chose not to take them then it is not us we should blame, it is also their choice.

and like you say, he is a man, and as such, he has to make choices now without having the safety net of his mums love.

being a parent is sometimes a very thankless shitty job, and however we try, we will always make some mistakes.........the mistakes made to me as a child I can correct, but in the neantime, I create new ones for MY children to work thro (sad but true.......but at least they have something that they can aim to correct).

the best message you can give to him now tho is that whatever choices he makes, you are still his mum and you love him......that is enough. He now has to make his own path to lead.

you are a good mum, that much is clear just from the small amount I read and know of your on MN, don;t belittle yourself.....you still have four more children that you are raising well (it is four more isn;t it???).

I am going to share with you now, this doesn't mean his life will be ruined, I was the female version of your son, many years ago and my mum eventually asked me to leave at 17, I went (had a job earning 80 quid a week after dropping out of school), found myself a room for rent (at 40 quid a week) and learnt about living the hard way. I ended up in a homeless hostel for a year, went completely off the rails and my mum later admitted that she thought I'd turn up dead in a ditch.

But I didn't. In short she did me a huge favour and I am now an upstanding memeber of the community, some people just have to find their own way in life and your ds is probably one of them and years down the line, he will thank you.

custy, i sympathise i really do - i pretty much feel the same about my DD, we just want so much for them, and that is a lot of pressure sometimes. I honestly feel exactly the same as you, i feel like i have been a crap mum, just not sure where i got it so wrong

I think our children just haven't found there way yet - we have had the whole dope fiasco too, part of the reason why she isn't at home. I just want her to find something that pulls her chain enough to make her want to work for it.

I was the same, but i turned out ok, i think

i will write to you a bit later.........dp similar at that age and went down a very dangerous road. Not helped by his mother actually. You need to be very careful about how you handle him atm. I think you know this already. Please don't run around for him or let him manipulate you right now. x

cheers, had a bit of a cry today when i got home from work - only dh was there - i wont let the twins see me like that or they will reprt back.

the gf came today, dh was off work but i wasn't. dh heard ds2 ask the gf where they were staying and the gf said that ds1 said she wasn't allowed to say becuas he would tell me - like i would go and visit him.

tomorrow. black bags, his stuff, front door.

fuck it

xxxxxxxcheers babe.

tomorrow i am on the offensive , have decided to take all their shit round to her mothers house and leave it on her doorstep.