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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

If your ex doesn't pay maintenance what the blue blazers are you supposed to say when your teen asks the question

37 replies

ranting · 18/10/2008 15:20

What happens to my maintenance payments?

Because ds asked me this today and it left me utterly speechless, I didn't want to say 'Well the feckless twat doesn't actually pay maintenance', although I sure wanted to. I just muttered something about 'Well I got the house', which is true, although I paid the mortgage on it for 6 out of the 7 years we had it by myself.

Not quite sure how I should have handled it tbh.

OP posts:

cheekysealion · 18/10/2008 15:22

does ds see his dad?

MrsMattie · 18/10/2008 15:22

Old enough to hear the truth, in my opinion.

ilove · 18/10/2008 15:24

Tell him the truth..."actually love, we don't get any"

Hadassah · 18/10/2008 15:25

You could rephrase it as "Your father does not pay maintenance".

Freckle · 18/10/2008 15:25

Your ds is a teenager and so should be told the truth. Just say, "I don't get any maintenance for you". Then if he asks why, tell him to ask his father.

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 18/10/2008 15:27

Agree - tell the truth.

dittany · 18/10/2008 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ranting · 18/10/2008 15:29

He sees him about twice a year, he's 15 so they sort it out between themselves.

MrsMattie, this is my problem, at some point I suppose he does need to know the truth but I don't want to tell him for the purely selfish reason, that I will be seen as 'the bad guy' for breaking the news and although I loathe the ex, I am careful to hide it from ds. So I practice an air of civility towards the ex that I don't feel, simply because I never wanted ds to feel caught up in a war of attrition, after all it's been 13 years since we split.

Shit, I never thought far enough into the future to anticipate this!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ranting · 18/10/2008 15:31

See cross posting there, so you think I should tell him the truth then?

OP posts:

MatNanPlus · 18/10/2008 15:33

Say you don't recieve any for him, when he asks why say ask your dad.

dittany · 18/10/2008 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blandmum · 18/10/2008 15:35

tell him the truth, You don't have to elaborate.

You are not being the bad guy. If your Ex doesn't like the thought of your ds knowing this, he should have put his hand in his pocket.

What goes around, comes around, and all that.

HRHSaintMamazon · 18/10/2008 15:35

if they are old enough to ask then they are old enough to know.

he clearly understands that father should pay for their children so he should also know that his doesn't.

Original poster

ranting · 18/10/2008 15:37

Yes ex had enough money to pay maintenance, he used to write a cheque every month that bounced, I tried to get the CSA involved but(this was years agobtw) they weren't interested because I wasn't claiming any benefits.

So in the end I just decided we would manage by ourselves and we did.

OP posts:

snigger · 18/10/2008 15:37

If he only bother seeing him twice a year, your ds has probably fathomed that his dad leaves much to be desired in the fathering stakes ..... I agree with Mrs Mattie, it's time for him to know, you don't want to be the baddy, true, but you don't want to come over martyred either - if you've been strong enough to encourage access with someone who doesn't support their child in even the smallest of ways, you've probably raised a strong enough child to take the news maturely.

Then move to Scotland and get DS to sue him in his own name through the CSA (you can do that here )

Best of luck to you, especially after keeping it mature for so long.

witcheseve · 18/10/2008 15:37

You won't be being selfish to tell the truth. You did get the house, sorry not sure if there was equity that he walked away from. Not everyone get maintenance if a settlement was reached when they split.

witcheseve · 18/10/2008 15:39

Sorry x post. Just tell him as it is. Do you feel that it would hurt your DS to know that his father didn't pay maintenance? I can understand this.

Boyswillbeboys · 18/10/2008 15:43

Definitely old enough to tell him the truth, you don't have to get into a deep discussion of your relationship with your ex, and why he doesn't pay.

Not implying that your DS is thinking he should have some of the money directly, but he is probably just wondering how much and what it goes on, as most teenagers probably would.

YeahBut · 18/10/2008 15:43

I always feel that when a child is old enough to articulate a particular question, they are old enough for an honest answer. If you've managed to be civil about his father, despite the fact that he is hardly ever around and has not contributed a penny towards him, then I think you're probably able to tell him the truth in a calm and reasonable manner.

Original poster

ranting · 18/10/2008 15:43

Lol at move to Scotland.

Well I made a lot of money on that house but, I paid most of the mortgage on it (he contributed half the deposit and 50 percent of the first years mortgage, then we split). I did tell him that I would be persuing him through the courts for maintenance back pay if he didn't sign the proceeds over to me and as he had a new wife and child by then and needed a mortgage of his own, he was happy to do that.

Trouble is I am so clouded by bitterness on this that I can't think straight.

OP posts:

snigger · 18/10/2008 15:44

With DSD, also, mainly because DH's work is either boom or bust throughout the year, we pay a lower level of general maintenance and DSD or ex tell us which specifics she needs on an ad hoc basis as they would if they lived together, and we cover uniforms, winter wear, holiday spending money etc as we do for our other children together.

Your situation is entirely more difficult, but without using DS to manipulate his feckless tightwad father, is there any way once you've had the 'what happens to your imaginary maintenance' conversation, you could encourage DS to request his needs direct from Dad? Just wondering if anything specific made DS ask the question - is there something he's after?

Original poster

ranting · 18/10/2008 15:49

Yep it was a discussion involving him getting a Saturday job that prompted the discussion, I pay for his guitar lessons (he does Saturday morning hw for that and quite well, I have to say).

He was negiotating extra money and I said no, if he wants extra to pay for an electric guitar then he will have to get a small job, that prompted the question.

OP posts:

ShosheTheGhoshe · 18/10/2008 15:50

Tell him the truth, I did when DS was about the same age and asked.

His reaction?

'How does that not surprise me Mum'

witcheseve · 18/10/2008 15:57

Sounds like you let him off the hook over the house. I get a tiny bit of maintenance for DD and it gets put into her account. She has asked me to get the CSA to up it!

My answer is we've managed so far and I don't want anything else off him. So she got a Saturday job.

solo · 18/10/2008 16:02

My Ds has known since he was around 7. Can't remember how it came out, but I've never bad mouthed his father to him, so it wouldn't have been that. Ds is good and tries really hard not to ask for things because he knows I don't have the money . He's 10 now.

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