If your ex doesn't pay maintenance what the blue blazers are you supposed to say when your teen asks the question

[ranting]

What happens to my maintenance payments?

Because ds asked me this today and it left me utterly speechless, I didn't want to say 'Well the feckless twat doesn't actually pay maintenance', although I sure wanted to. I just muttered something about 'Well I got the house', which is true, although I paid the mortgage on it for 6 out of the 7 years we had it by myself.

Not quite sure how I should have handled it tbh.

Meant to say that I tell him the truth when he asks a question. It's the only way IME.

It's shit, isn't is Solo.

I don't miss or need the maintenance now (am remarried, dual income etc)but, in the early days.... we went without heating for two years because I couldn't afford it and I do feel bitter about that, about the fact we struggled while he bought the new Dreamcast or whatever it was called. About how excited ds used to get whenever the ex bothered to pick him up.

He announced last year that he's emigrating to SA, he's still here, wish he'd just fecking emigrate and be done with it. Can't quite believe how nice and normal and unaffected ds seems by it all especially when I feel like I've made a barrel load of mistakes with my handling of the situation.

Ehh most of the people traffic from SA is people trying to get out. Sounds like not only is he a spineless dickhead, he is stupid to boot.

Lol yep, that's a pretty good description of him.

This thread has made me see I've been trying too hard to make excuses for him and I have indeed been a bit martyrish, hmmmmmm.

Do you know I love MN, sometimes it helps you see things with a bit more clarity.

Yes, it is ranting, but at least you, like me and many others, know that you never have to thank your ex for anything. Your Ds will also know that once he's aware of the real situation, though he may be in denial for a while. He might be suspicious about why you didn't tell him until now, so be prepared for some fall out. He'll get over it though and once he's worked it out for himself, you will be even more highly regarded by him. I hope that's come out sounding right.

Good luck!

Ranting: My DH and I get tiny bits of maintenance for our blended family (his two, my one) from the EXs. The maintenance does not even come close to covering the DCs expenses. Each of the DCs has been through the period where they wonder what we are doing with the "massive" quantities of "their" money that we get from the EXs. We have decided to use the conversation as a spring board to teach the DCs exactly how much it costs us to raise them. When we subject them to the "spreadsheet" of monthly expenses in all its gory glory, they shut up pretty quickly. (One kid was naive enough to think the monthy mortgage payment was how much the house cost total!) They realize that if we handed them the monthly maintenance in cash to take care of their own expenses, they would be in a far worse position.

Oh that's funny M, I sat down with him before I saw your post and told him the truth, (he didn't seem at all surprised) and I actually had a similiar conversation with him aswell. Spooky.

I didn't give him the gory details, just told him that we don't receive any maintenance for him and gave him an idea of the sort of outgoings we have and why we can't afford to be flinging money at him willy nilly. He said ok and has applied for an afterschool job at one of the local shops, I said if he does that, I will foot the bill for the guitar lessons but he will have to buy his own clothes for out of school. He seemed fairly happy with that.

I think you should just tell him. It will probably be less of a big deal to him than to you IYSWIM, but he should know what the situation is, particularly if he thinks you have another stream of money coming in that you don't have.

Oh, sorry, you already have done. Your DS sounds like a sensible lad!

So far, he is, just hope he doesn't go on a big time rebellion soon!!

your a better person than i

becuase your dad is a cunt - is what i would have said - ask him

Oh I said it in here, Custy , trust me.

I might offer to buy the ex's plane tickets