What is your best suggestion for parenting teenagers?

[cazzzz]

Hi

I have decided to be proactive about the teenage phase. I have 2 boys aged 7 and 4. Having never quite mastered preschool children parenting skills in time to apply them to my own kids.. I'm now looking ahead to what's billed as the next difficult time.

So come on experienced parents of teenagers...

What is your best suggestion of how to parent teenagers, and why ?

I asked the same question of a work colleague whose dch are in their late teens. She said 'Be prepared to listen to them, rather than just lecturing them all the time.

My dch are nearly 15. I've found it hard to be laid back about dch suddenly being invited to tea or to Sunday lunch, or 'X wants to stay tonight, OK?' but I've forced myself to say 'Yes' more than saying 'No' and mostly it's fine.

My DS is a bit silly still, but DD is more grown up, and some of their friends are quite mature & I treat them all like adults & we have a laugh. The advice about being unshockable is good - if they feel they can say anything in front of you, they're less likely to hide things. They tell me things about their friends (eg X has tried drugs)& we discuss & I can give a bit of advice, but I do try to listen & not be seen to judge.

Last week DD asked if I minded her getting her belly-button pierced. My instinct was to shout 'Yes, I bloody well do. There is NO WAY...' etc. But I didn't. I pretended to think about it, and eventually said that I didn't mind, but could she wait until she's 15? She said OK. Then I said that when I'd looked into it for myself they'd said it would hurt like mad for about 20 seconds, OK? After a pause she said that actually, she thought it was a bit tacky & wouldn't do it after all. Job done! (I've no doubt that if I'd said 'No way' she'd still be banging on about it.)

Don't worry about the teenage years - if you do a good job now, teaching right from wrong, teaching them to think for themselves, making them feel secure etc, you'll be fine. I find having two other 'adults' to share life with wonderful.

Pick your battles carefully and be prepared to give up any control freak tendencies you may have.

Pick your battles. |Don't stress about untidy rooms and be ready to listen when they want to talk. |||Even if it just before your bedtime.

1 .respect them, treat them with respect

2.definitely don't sweat the small stuff like untidy room

3.take time to listen to them and don't keep nagging

4.encourage safe hobbies as much as possible in the early teens

So agree with you herbietea - I feel I'm needed more now than when they were little dots.

I don't know , but I wish someone would let me in on it.

Yesterday, huge row with ds on the middle of the stairs 5 mins after I should have left for work, as he informed me he wasn;t going to school as he was tired...cue screaming from me. I am permanently tired
all the F time!

Today, huge row with ds in middle of stairs...etc ...etc

I give up. Door slamming, grumpiness. "why do you think you can't sleep at night darling?" Answer "I don't want to talk about this again"

Ignore secondary behaviour.

eg

If they do their homework when you ask, ignore the face saving 'Huffing and puffing' that they do

Take into account that some teens feel the full effect of puberty, hormones etc much earlier or later than others.

My ds (15 in April) is a bit of a late developer here I think. He's not (yet) at the stage of wanting to come home late, drinking alcohol, having girlfriends, etc etc or being rebellious in any other way. Talking to my friends with teens the same age as him, there is a vast difference in what they want to do and what my son wants to do at the moment (cricket, watch cookery programmes on TV and sleep).

Don't hold back, Custy.

Would agree with all of these, especially the don't forget to talk to them. Sounds ridiculous when your kids are small but I've found the older they get, the easier it is to forget they're there. They start doing their own things and you see them less, so it's pretty essential to remember to initiate some form of conversation with them.

Oh and buy a peg for your nose, you'll need it for when they reach the inevitable Lynx obsession.

Would agree with choosing your battles wisely and going with the flow for some of the smaller stff
Make your home a place where their friends feel welcome - better to know who they hang around with.
Be there to give lifts if nec - better than them getting home with goodness knows who in goodness knows what state
Keep channels of communication open - agree about appearing unshockable
have a 13 and a 15 yr old and all in all very little more difficult than they were and absulutely delightful most of the time. Sad that teens get such a bad press really

lock them inn the cupboard under the stairs at 13, let out at 18 ready to leave home.

hi im a teenage mum to an 11month old little girl. i have a stable family a steady income and my little girl is happy and healthy and well looked after. i used to be a little shit before i fell pregnant im 17 now i was 15 when i fell pregnant. people may judge me but its the best thing that could have happened to me. the reason i am getting on so well is because of my mum she never MADE me do anything she suggested and usually i did. (unless i was ill) i turned into a little shit when my stepdad came along and gave me rules. i needed to rebel the rules. you could try just chillin out and be there mates rather than parents. ull find life a lot easier in the long run and thats coming from a been there done it teen.

Ranting, lol at the Lynx obsession. I had heard of this previously so went forth to Boots, tried them all and brought home the one I liked way before Ds was ready to use it and instilled a habit that thats the one he wants. Tee hee. Somehow I feel in the overall scheme of things it might be my only victory. lol.

Hi everyone

It's a while since I've come back to this thread - there's some great stuff here - thankyou.

I'm pleased that everything is oing well for you and your daughter Young Mum ... I had my first child at 28, but would have kids earlier if I had my time again ... that way you get to spend longer with them.

Cheers everyone,
Cazzzz

I much prefer my teens to any other stage, but they're not total monsters so maybe I'm lucky.

Always found that listening to their, often utterly dull or complicated, interests is a good one. Even if it's technology stuff or whats on TV.

For example my DH would come in to find them both vegged in front of hollyoaks and would start a rant about tripe tv, no wonder they only speak in grunts and never do anything round the house.

I find a much better way to deal with that would be 'ooh I'll come watch with you and bring the ironing. Then you two can pair socks etc while we watch and I'll be done faster to give you a lift to X's house later'

You'll end up getting some conversation about whats on TV and you get some help without them feeling put out or moaned at.

been meaning to add this one:

whenever they.....

come home at the agreed time,

are ready at the right place at the right time when you are picking them and their mates up from somewhere,

text you to say where they are.

........always notice and appreciate.

Invite them as Facebook friends - that way you can keep some tabs on what they're up to (had to bribe mine for this one but worth it).

Count to 10 before shouting when they wind you up (I'm crap at this btw, but it works when I manage to do it...)

Remember that however much they claim to be all grown up, they're still children (in disguise) and still need hugs and a listening ear to be available (even when they've been vile all day/week/month).

Plus what Saggarmakersbottomknocker said !

pmsl at Custardo!

Teenage boys and Lynx - teach them the difference between deodorant (the generic word for stinky stuff) and antiperspirant. It stops the sweat, instead of just (partially) covering them smell.

Give them responsability,
they will then become responsable

chat in the car - teenagers like to not have to look at you when they talk, so car is ideal as you need to look forward and not directly at them

I'm afraid I'm definitely with Custy today, having spent till 1 am last night arguing with my DD1 to BLOODY GO TO BED, and she's only 10! She's very tall though and going through an early puberty, so I think she qualifies as a teen. However, she can still be very child-like and it's hard to know how to treat her.

God help me if this continues. Every day is a new problem. BTW, these aren't small issues - I'm really laid back about tattoos, piercings, hair etc but I worry about the big stuff.

Sorry I can't be more positive. By comparison, DD2 (nearly 5) is a joy to be around - wish I could keep them both small.

What was she wanting to do until 1am?

Custardo has expressed it very well. However:

1. Just when you are totally despairing they will do something clever, nice or considerate, just to throw you.
2. A bit of them can't help being so awful because parts of their brain clearly shut down for the duration. They are like toddlers but with more hormones.
3. You know you're making progress when they start apologising for their teenage behaviour.

My dad reckons the years between 13 and 41 are the worst. I am 41, I should add.

May the force be with you, my friend.

Ps What is it with tattoos? I have never got the whle tattoo thing. It's like drawing all over yourself with felt tip pen.