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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice needed for adopted teenager please

28 replies

littlemissbossy · 05/03/2005 16:42

Hi everyone, I know it's quiet today but I could do with some advice from adopted mumsnetters. It's not for me but for a friend who is at her wits end. She adopted her son, now 13, when he was a couple of months old. He's always known about this, very open about the situation etc. Now he's a teenager he's making his family's life hell, usually tantrums, etc but she fears he is really going off the rails at the moment and so do I TBH.
Anyway, the thing that is constantly thrown back in her (and her dh's) face is the "you're not my real mum/dad" line and the latest request is that he wants to meet his birth mother. She would agree to this if she believed it would help him to come to terms with it. What do you think? and is it possible to meet your birth mother at this age? or do you have to wait until you're an adult?
I've agreed to have a word with him about this whole situation. They're a really lovely family and I'd like to be able to help them, but know nothing about adoption.
TIA

OP posts:
Cod · 05/03/2005 16:46

Message withdrawn

Cod · 05/03/2005 16:46

Message withdrawn

alux · 05/03/2005 16:48

A good place to start for some advice for him and for herself is her GP. Explain the issue. The GP can recommend a child psychologist who can help all parties come to terms with a difficult issue at a difficult age.

Original poster
littlemissbossy · 05/03/2005 16:50

I agree with you Cod - other things he's said include "I never asked to be born" and "I never asked to be adopted" and personally, I think if he wasn't adopted he'd be using some other excuse to have a go. But I want to be able to say the right things when I speak to him about it IYSWIM

OP posts:
norash40 · 05/03/2005 16:50

I would say that adopted or not, he has been their son for as long as he can remember. He is doing what most teenagers do and finding something to make the parents feel guilty about.

I think that your friend and other people around him should stop thinking of him as adopted and treat him first and foremost as if she had given birth to him.

Even though she did not, she might as well have. For 13 yrs she is the only mother he has known. Stop dwelling so much on the adoption story and try and find out what the real problem is. Look at him just like any other human being (someone perhaps who was not family) and look beyond his cover story (adoption)

Mud · 05/03/2005 16:51

agree with the eminently sensible cod - I think its just standard teenager-speak and would be 'I didn't ask to be born' otherwise

if however he is going off the rails seriously then family counselling could help so do spek to gp

Original poster
littlemissbossy · 05/03/2005 16:52

I see what you're saying norash40, the problem is that any social worker or psychologist will concentrate on this as the problem and say that he has attachment issues or the like

OP posts:
norash40 · 05/03/2005 16:59

I am not saying that it might not be, but it's not so long ago that we were there ourselves (well me anyway) and I said these things to my mum (Biological). I always did it when there was something else going on.

Attachment? He has been with them since he was a few months old. I believe there is more to this than meets the eye. Even those of us who never said such things to our parents certainly wished at some point we could. I know most oof my friends did.

Original poster
littlemissbossy · 05/03/2005 17:00

LOL norash40, I can remember some of the things I said to my parents too

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 17:02

I was adopted as a baby too

And I did exactly the same thing to my parents

It is not the same as normal teenager behaviour

It is however NORMAL ADOPTIVE TEENAGER BEHAVIOUR

Which is very very different

The whole point is that you just don't know where you belong

and who are you????

Everybody else knows where they are from

Why they look like they do?

Where their family is from eg. Yorkshire, Scottish, London, etc

You don't

It is very very hard for Adoptive teenagers to know how and where they fit in

The biggest question is

WHO AM I?

RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 17:05

BTW you can't look until you are 18

I have since met both of my adoptive parents

Cod · 05/03/2005 17:12

Message withdrawn

Mud · 05/03/2005 17:18

maybe you are right rt

the biggest question non-adopted teens ask isn;t 'who am I' but 'who the hell are you?'

RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 17:26

My birth Dad is an Aussie and met him in 2002 he was lovely I just wrote to him a few years before and then when we were in OZ

Rang him up and said I was in Melbourne and rang to say hello and the next day he came to see me.He was shocked how much I looked like birth mum.

My birth Mum I met up with years ago and have seen her twice now

I look idenitcal to her, much more than the children she had since.

BUT please take his feelings of WHO AM I? seriously

My Mum and Dad were great with me and I was sooooo horrible to them.

But you just don't fit in anywhere sad]

RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 17:29

You say to them

YOU ARE NOT MY REAL MUM AND DAD

because you just don't know who your real mum adn dad are

Or where they are

I had a huge file with loads of details so I knew all about my BM and BD

BUT still had so many questions

Christie · 05/03/2005 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 17:31

Are there any other children?

either adopted ones or non adopted ones?

Christie · 05/03/2005 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 17:53

I have 1 brother and 1 sister with adoptive family {they are NOT adopted}

My BM has 2 boys and 2 girls, and grandaughter

My BD has 2 girls

Original poster
littlemissbossy · 05/03/2005 18:11

Thanks for your posts ladies, I'll print them off if you don't mind and give them to his Mum. I think it's important that she sees things from the adoptive point of view.

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 18:12

LMB

Are there any other children?

How much info does she have about him as a baby or of his parents etc.?

RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 18:15

LMB also please tell her it is NOT her fault

and it is NOT his fault

and IMHO he does not need to see GP or therapy

He is a NORMAL TEENAGE ADOPTEE

Original poster
littlemissbossy · 05/03/2005 18:17

They also have a younger adopted daughter. They (appear) to have quite a bit of info about the birth mother and a letter that was supposed to be given to him when he was 18 - however he found that recently and read it with his Mum and they both had a bit of a weep

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemissbossy · 05/03/2005 18:19

Thanks RTKM! I'm sure he is just a normal teenager really, whether or not he is adopted and he's trying to find acceptance from his friends and from himself IYKWIM

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 05/03/2005 18:20

If she know where his birth fdamilies are from it may help if she found out about the area ie Australian

It may also help if they have any letters from adoption society that they can show him

HE NEEDS HIS IDENTIITY that is all

Also in school they may be learning about social groups ie ADOPTION and etc

I found that very very difficult

Didn't know what to think

If he hasn't told his friends they may be saying stuff about adoption because of school work and it is very very hard for adoptees

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