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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

No matter what, she is rude and grumpy and I cannot bear it

29 replies

247 · 26/09/2008 09:23

I just don't get it. DD is 13 and is rude and grumpy to me and younger brother EVERY day. DH is usually out of the picture as he works long hours. I adore her so much and it is causing me such heartache. I don't buy into the its a 'teenage thing'. We can all be hormonal, but every day?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 26/09/2008 09:26

Ds is 14 and is the same mostly.Its teenagers they treat you like dirt so that when they leave you it is easy and you can't wait to see the back of them!

themildmannneredjanitor · 26/09/2008 09:28

i'm sorry but i remember feeling so grumpy and sad and narky and over emotional for about 4 years.

they have to reach a stage where they hate you so they leave home!

have a quiet chat about being respectful though.

frazzled74 · 26/09/2008 09:30

my ds is 15 and has been rude and grumpy for the past 2 years, often causing me and dh to row. its horrible to see him change from my little boy. He is quite pleasant to everybody outside the family so at least I know he can be a nice human being. I think this is quite a normal stage, just hope it ends soon!

Original poster
247 · 26/09/2008 09:39

Normal? Then I do not like normality. She gets regular pep talks about respect, whats that saying, 'in one each and out the other'. It hurts so much as the few years she has left at home are so precious and I was hoping they would be filled with love and fun. I long to hold her close, today I cant even look at her.

OP posts:
chenin · 26/09/2008 09:45

247... keep positive, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You might well be having a bad few days/weeks/months with your DD (delete as appropriate!) but you will catch a glimpse of your lovely DD eventually.

Some take longer than others to come down off Planet Me Me Me... just hang on in there! Believe me I have been there (DDs older than yours) and I wonder how I got through it. But every now and again there is a glimmer of home.. a funny thing they say, them responding to a hug from me, a funny note they have written to me, a shared joke etc. It will happen, you just have to grit your teeth and endure...

chenin · 26/09/2008 09:46

a glimmer of hope I should say...!

AbbeyA · 26/09/2008 09:51

I agree with helliebean, you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it-she should emerge at the other side one day!
I loathed being a teenager-I found it very difficult.

floaty · 26/09/2008 09:52

Have you read the following book,
"Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me and Alex into Town: A Parents Guide to the New Teenager" very good for explaining how teenagers brains work and that they are basically hard wired to be selfish,I have a charming teemage boy who has to be though ,at times ,the most selfish ,argumentative person in the world(he does always apologise though)I went to a really intersting talk at school as well where they said that teenagers have some sort of brain development which makes them argue ,they really can't stop it,sometimes they argue with you even if you are agreeing with them.

Since reading the book I have actually found nmyself a bit less stressed,it doesn't mean that I allow rudeness but I do think it is a bit like a toddler you have to pick your battles

Original poster
247 · 26/09/2008 09:56

Thanks guys, I appreciate yourcomments. DD is such a great girl, so full of love and an amazing humour, I guess it makes it all the harder for me to experience her rudeness and grumpiness when I know how she REALLY is.

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 26/09/2008 09:57

It sounds a good book-love the title!

chenin · 26/09/2008 10:08

Well 247, my DD is also blessed with a wonderful sense of humour and I can't believe how it can disappear and disintegrate like it has... however, it does resurface bigger and better from time to time!

Anna8888 · 26/09/2008 10:13

Is she getting enough sleep, exercise and healthy food? Does she have a long relaxing bath every day?

Teenagers suffer from hormones, and they need extra special loving care to get through that stage. They are too young to manage the transition on their own - can you help her by taking extra care of her?

Original poster
247 · 26/09/2008 10:24

Thanks helliebean, its a comfort to know that. Anna8888 - she is cared for, loved and cherished beyond belief.

OP posts:
mdrooney · 26/09/2008 10:30

I have two dds one will be 13 in october and the other will be 12 the same month and I agree with all the above the doors in our house seem to be slammmed at a alarming rate, sometimes I just want to move out and leave them to it, my delightful caring dd1 has turned into a grumpy hurtful girl who can reduce me and dd2 to tears oh and the language that is utterd under her breath is vile, dd2 is slowly following her footsteps its a wonder that the neighbours havent phoned the police with the screaming and shouting. bring back the toddler years it was a doddle compared to this.
but just to balance there are moments when peace reigns and we have girly times with face packs and laughter and my sweet sweet girls are back, and I know I must hold on to those moments.

gagarin · 26/09/2008 10:33

But don't you remember it?

I hated everything about my paretns at that age. The way they spoke, the way they ate, what they said, how they said it.

I was in a constant state of anger and irritation. Every meal ended in slammed doors.

And now I can deal with them - just! And I'm old.

She's having a tough time. You have to just ride the waves - but draw some lines in the sand over which she is not allowed to cross!

However at the same time relax some rules if you can - give her more indepenance. Stop asking "how was school?" and "where are you going?" and "did you have a nice time?" etc

I also read that book - really good!

chopchopbusybusy · 26/09/2008 10:34

DD1 is 14 and has her moments of grumpiness and fairly typical selfish teenage behaviour, but overall is still a joy to be with. I'm not going to be too smug though because I think DD2 will be more difficult and already at 11 is more likely to stomp, shout and slam doors. One thing that I love to do is go out shopping with DD1 - just us. We are a 30 minute drive away from the shops and it is amazing how much we can talk about in that 30 minutes, especially because no eye contact is involved. Would this work for you? If your DH is not around much because he is working does that mean her younger brother is usually there to listen in if she wants to talk?

MoreTeaVicar · 26/09/2008 10:54

I'm off out now but will go search out the book. DD doesn't really talk to me . I am always asking, did you have a good day, are you happy, what did you have for lunch, just showing an interest really but she has never been a great talker and NEVER confides in me ,again. Will put a smile on my face and try harder to just accept her ways. By the way, have name changed to my old name.

DuffyMoon · 26/09/2008 11:11

I second a "car chat"......less easier to get your hands round their throats when you are driving as well.....

dashboardconfessionals · 26/09/2008 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chenin · 26/09/2008 15:52

Chopchop is so right... go shopping with her! In all seriousness, try and coax her into spending some time with you... have a beauty treatment together, go shopping... anything just to have a chance to bond again.

I spent a week with my DD2 abroad, just her and I as DH couldn't come and DD1 was away. It was the most magical time that I know I will remember for ever. She is growing up and won't want to spend so much time with me ever again probably But I told her this in a "Oh you want wanna spend so much time with your old mum again" way and she really appreciated it. We bonded so much.

What I am trying to say is... I sometimes think you have to step out of the home environment, the same old same old.. 'pick your plate up, have you had a nice day, don't do that' blah blah thing and do something different together.

I am sure you can dangle a big enough carrott for your DD to do this, MoreTeaVicar/247. All teens like having money spent on them!

I sometimes think we smother our DCs and they just wanna be left alone. Being asked 'did you have a nice day at school' day in, day out is very tiresome (I am guilty of this too!) There are certain words and phrases that us parents use that drive teens to total distraction and I s'pose we just have to try and avoid them a bit. If anyone knows how, let me know!

gagarin · 26/09/2008 15:59

"I am always asking, did you have a good day, are you happy, what did you have for lunch,"

Stop! Don't do it! Those questions are an absolute nightmare for a teenager to face from you.

"what did you have for lunch?" She's 13; she wants to keep what goes on in her life to herself. Leave those sort of questions/comments for 5year old dcs.

AuntEm · 26/09/2008 18:31

Don't know if its hormones or what, but yes I think it is a 'teenage thing' - she has to create some space between you and become her own person. Meanwhile she's probably angry/scared/confused/lacking in confidence and generally not very happy (sorry - speculating madly here). It is horrible but it won't be for ever. Just try not to take it too personally. Everybody's different, but it might help to know I have a better relationship with DD now than I would have believed possible a year or even 6 months ago. 13 was definitely the worst. The doors may survive yet!

Tortington · 26/09/2008 18:35

yeah will all come out in a few months. she'll be reet - promise.

dittany · 26/09/2008 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoreTeaVicar · 29/09/2008 14:16

Thank you to all of you who have listened and advised me on my DD. Well I have stepped back (but not too much )and stopped asking so many questionsetc. Have bought the book 'Get Out Of My Life' - so far its reaaly good advice and have decided to 'chill'. Shes such a darling and I DO overreact!!

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