Soiled Sanitary Towels being left around - help!

[frustratedaunt]

Please help. My niece, nearly 17years old, is staying with me whilst she continues school as her mother moved several counties away. I?ve only got to know this girl in the past year since she?s been staying with me. Her mum moved out approx four months ago (long story - think her mum - my sister - has some mental health issues that's not very obvious).

I?ve repeatedly come across soiled sanitary towels in her room, both in / out of her underwear and left lying on the floor, locker, shelves etc. When her mum was there, she told me to be 'companssionate' about the situation - she didn't want to tackle it.

I have spoken to her about this, and told her about hygiene etc, gave her some small bags that she could put the soiled towels into etc. However, despite all of this, and trying to be calm and understanding that her mum may not have been good about teaching her on these matters, I have today had the same problem. This time, there was a soiled sanitary towel in a bowel (she?d had cereal in her room last night) sitting on top of her locker. When I rang her as she'd just left for school and told her she needed to come straight home after school and get her room cleaned up and about the bowl, she just wanted to know why I'd gone into her room! I had told her when she'd asked if she could stay with me that I'd had issues with her when she was living with us and her mum, as no boundaries appeared to have been set for her. One of them was this particular issue, and I did tell her that I would periodically check to make sure she had her room clean.

She has destroyed towels which we?ve had to throw out as they?ve been completely covered in blood etc. and I don?t know how to tackle this matter. Talking doesn?t seem to help. I don?t? know what else to do. Can you advise please? I?ve tried looking on the internet for anything similar, but can?t find anything.

Thanks.

Bleurgh! I'm afraid I have nothing helpful to suggest other than talking to the nurse at your GP practice & asking if there is a health professional with a special interest in adolescents and has some knowledge of psychology.

I'm not sure phoning just after she had left and saying "come home after school to tidy your room" is a great idea though: if she really had just left the house, how about "come home immediately, it's urgent" to get her to dispose of it? Otherwise, leave it until she comes homw & then have the conversation you've presumably already had in the past. From my memory of being 16, knowing all day that I was in trouble when I came home made for a bad day.

Good luck: you sound very kind!

Have you asked her why she doesn't dispose of the soiled towels in the bags you have provided?

is she okay? I would have thought any 17 year old would have felt very embarassed. Does she have any other problems?

also it's not really up to you to solve the problem it's up to her parents. Maybe make it clear to them that the issue needs to resolved before she stays again?
Does she have very heavy periods do you think that she is finding hard to manage? Blood all over the towel for instance.

We had this with a girl at my boarding school. She would leave used sanitary towels and tampons in the showers. Bluegh!

I would also ask her whyshe leaves them lying around.

Good luck!

This is exacty one of the issues I had when my SD lived with us. Same thing - total lack of respect of the room we were giving her (at her request) and for anybody else in the house that would have to stumble accross these items.

It's totally disgusting and when I was a teenager I would have died with embarrassment if anyone would have had to have had that conversation with me - and made sure NO-ONE ever would!

But my SD didn't seem remotely embarrassed about it and I had to keep having the conversation over and over (and so did her dad!). Explaining why it wasn't acceptable. Making it easy for her to dispose of them with dignity...even ended up leaving them to stink for 3 weeks in her room (until I could take no more!) and she still didn't dispose of them through shame/disgust.

I think a general talk about respecting your home and things (cereal bowls!) and as Pofaced suggests, try talking to GP or Nurse to see if this is a psychology issue.

Sorry I don't have the solution, but I do have understanding and knowledge of your situation!

Thank you all for your responses. Her mum isn't any help as she thinks I?m ?evil? because I agreed to let her daughter stay ? provided her mum was ok with that. I agree in hindsight that ringing her whilst she was on her way to school probably isn?t very useful. I?ve tried so hard to be nice and gentle with her ? I?ve certainly learnt a lot myself since mine were teenagers ? and try to be understanding.

My son (23) lives with us, and my daughter (25) is married and both of them and my husband have all agreed that her mum is totally impossible to talk to anyway ? she has so many conflicting beliefs that it has left her mind very fragmented, so I can?t get any support / help there. When her mum was living with us, I?d asked my niece to bring down any towels she had in her room (asked my son as well) as we were running out of them. One of the towels she?d brought down was a ?nemo? towel, belonging to my daughter (as she leaves it with us for when she comes up to stay). This is the towel that was completely covered in blood, and she just dumped it on the floor in front of the washing machine. It was stuck together everywhere ? you can imagine yourself what it was like. I was so shocked ? both at the state of the towel, and the lack of embarrassment etc in just leaving it there, especially with two men in the house. I decided to leave it there as her mum was upstairs, and leave it to her to tackle when she came down. When she came down, she totally ignored it, and sat having a cigarette with me.

She?s staying ?permanently? with us, or at least until she finishes school or decides to go back to her mum. Both of them had been living in Australia and I hadn?t seen my sister in many years. We got talking on the phone quite a lot about 2 years ago and she told me how she wanted to come to the UK ? she?d separated from her husband 8 yrs prior to this. I said she could stay with us of course until she got herself settled. She arrived shortly after that, with her daughter coming over about four months later. My sister was fine at first, but when her daughter came over she seemed to change slightly, getting progressively worse as time went on. There?s no doubt in my mind how much she loves her daughter, but she would let her stay out until all hours without once questioning where she was, who she was with etc etc. This girl used to stay out until after 3am, even getting up after midnight and going out with her friends, and her mum would just say ?bless?. Her mum felt that as long as she herself wasn?t worried that anything happened to her and ?believed? everything would be all right, it would. Anytime myself or my son raised to my sister that perhaps she should find out where her daughter is, she would get annoyed with us, so eventually we stopped saying anything to her. I asked my niece where she had been until 3am when she started to stay with us (a few months ago) and she said out with her friends in the field drinking. As her mum isn?t talking to me, she doesn?t know this, and she wouldn?t have believed me anyway.

This is such a sad situation for you. You really are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It's clear you want to help - and both your sister and neice are reaching out fr your help...and then throwing it back in your face.

I think, no matter what you do, sadly youre going to upset at least one of them. However, when it comes to your home, your neice MUST respect your rules if she wants to continue living with you.

Draw up a list (litterally, write it down) of what is ok and what is not. Age is almost irrelevant. No matter how old you are & who you live with, some of the things your neice is doing is out of order and disrespectful.

Let her know what is ok and what is NOT ok, very clearly.
ie. Keep room clean
Do not use other people things if you intend to soil them.
Kitchen items taken to room (cereal bowls/mugsetc) get returned to kitchen same day
Home by whatever time is ok for YOU, not her
etc

If your sister doesn;t like it or she complains to her mum - tough! Your house, your rules
If she doesn't like it - tough! Your house, your rules.

Think you're going to hve to be tough to be kind here. You are right, and you have your family behind you.

As it seems her mother won't take any kind of leading role I think you have to treat this child as if she was your own.

Also, being tough IS being kind because, in what other living situation would she get away with being like this?

Look at Cies post - she still remembers a girl from school doing this......and NOT fondly!

You're neice will end up being asked to move on time & time again if she doesn't learn how to live with other people respectfully.

(Unless of course, she lives completely on her own forever, which is unlikely)

How many boyfriends, or uni friends or 'proffessionals in rented accom' are going to tolerate living with someone like this?

So even if you feel harsh now, you'd be acting in her long term interests.

Could your daughter 'have a word'? Being closer to her in age?

Again, thank you all. Sometimes I think I'm going mad. The last twelve months was so difficult with my sister and her daughter living with us. We don't own our own house, just renting so we actually moved to a bigger house to accommodate both of them, as my sister was working at the time - quite a good job actually - and we agreed an amount to cover them both living with us. This amount just about covered it, and she said that she'd stay with us for at least 12 months, the term of the contract. She moved out after nine months, leaving us struggling to pay the rent / utilities and when the contract was us (a few weeks ago) we had to move again to something we could afford. Just finished unpacking boxes!

My sister in the meantime, left her job as it 'was meant to be', temped for a little bit, but didn't like them. She moved into a friend of my husband's house, who was renting his house whilst abroad, promised him she'd stay for at least six months, so he tried to do her a favour and not put her through any additional costs getting checks done etc, and then she skipped out of the area after a month, not paying the rent, except the month's rent / deposit in advance. We don't get any financial help towards her niece living with us - we can't claim as her mum is already doing that as she's still not working and getting her flat paid for. It's been all so frustrating, trying to do the right thing without being a doormat and part of me screams inside 'why am I even bothering', particularly when it's certainly not appreciated, and the larger part is 'trying to do unto others' etc.

Sorry for the rant - I've kept this in for too long, I think

I will certainly sit down and talk to my niece when I get home from work, again, and try and get an answer as to why she does it. I'll also type up a list, as suggested, and see what happens. I'm so trying to be a parent to her, and a better one then when mine were teenagers, but it's hard when you have no idea really about the person. I know she lies, drinks, and there's not a lot really I can do about it unless I have total proof of it. I don't like invading privacy, and trying to respect that, but again, it's difficult with this issue ongoing.

My daughter could have a word with her, but to be honest, I'm not really sure that would help at all. She would be far more blunt than I, and wouldn't show any tact whatsoever. She just sees black and white really.

Anyhow, reading your responses has really helped, so thank you again.

From what you say your niece hasnt had a very stable upbringing and hasnt had any boundaries set. My guess is that she's doing it for attention.

Cafebistro - possibly. She did try and overdose about five months ago. She'd gone for a walk having had a row with a friend and was gone for hours in the rain. Her mum said she'd be fine that she does that a lot. It was the next day that my niece told her mum what happened and she was brought to hospital etc, and got talking to psychiatrist etc, but her mum blamed it on us not letting her friends stay every night (we wouldn't let them stay that often, and wanted a little bit of notice if they were going to stay over). Her dad is still in Australia, and she certainly misses him - he doesn't ring very often. I do feel for the girl - I'm sure she resents so much the way things are, and she really isn't a bad kid. I know the picture I've painted of her mum doesn't really reflect how she is - she's a 'respectable' person, if you know what I mean - hasn't dated in all these years, so there's not been any issues regarding loads of boyfriends or anything like that. That's not to say she shouldn't have any - it would certainly do her good to date someone and get in touch with the real world. She's just got loads of issues relating from childhood and probably marriage, that she thinks she's dealt with, but so obvious to anyone that knows her at all that she hasn't. The sad part of course is the impact of that on her daughter, and herself, as whilst she thinks she's dealt with everything, and believes all the nonsense she's heard at various ' work shops' she'll never get any better.

Frankly, the sanitary towel thing sounds like a mental health issue; this is beyond ordinary teenage carelessness. If she has been to school, or indeed anywhere, she must know that this is not what sane people do. I would try to get help for her.

Cory, thanks for your response. Indeed it may well be - I can certainly talk to her GP about it and see what she thinks. I did sit down and talk to her last night - she doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it, it's 'her room' and she only sleeps in it anyway, and would get around to cleaning them up whenever she cleaned her room.

To be honest, at this stage, I'm thinking of talking to her again, and letting her know if this sort of thing happens again, she will have to go back to her mum, and finish her education there.

This is the third time this type of thing has happened - her monther was around for the previous two and didn't tackle it then. The first time it happened was extremely embarrassing, as we had to have a plumber come around, and as the pump was in her room there, he had to go into the room. My son advised I check it out before he went in, and thank God that I did - there were at least a dozen soiled sanitary towels lying around her room, the smell was awful, and they were everywhere. There was no space on her floor to see the carpet as she had clothes everywhere, and as the plumber was walking up the stairs behind my son, who was taking his time, I had to grab everything and push it all into the wardrobe. However, I missed one and he did see it (as did my son) and you couldn't mistake the smell. I know she lies, and we suspect she's always taking things - I know she has taken a pack of cigarettes I left on a table, and that she's been into my room - not sure why yet though.

Maybe an odd question but how long has she been having her periods? Some girls start quite late and at 17, she may be new to everything involved. I know that when I first started my periods I didn't actually know what I was supposed to do with the soiled towels and did hide them in a drawer for the first couple of times (wow, MN is a real confession-inducer - can't believe I've told everyone that!) until my DM came across them . Admittedly, I was 12 and really a child with no idea what to do and too shy to ask. But it's worth considering that she doesn't know how to deal with periods? Benefit of the doubt and all that. If you were to tell her that she is really stinking the house out she might feel embarassed enough to dispose of them better?

She's had them for a few years now, and she doesn't seem concerned that we can smell it - don't get me wrong, she's a lovely girl, just doesn't seem to care much about the impact her behaviour may have on others.

It definetly sounds like a mental health issue to me too . I would speak to the gp who could hopefully refer her on to someone to talk to .
I have heard of girls who have been through traumas in the past doing similar things .

It could also be her testing you and seeing how far she can push you before you reject her ( I am not having a go at her parents just saying it how maybe she sees it )

Good luck with it all , hopefully you live in an area which has good support services

I know it isn't solving the issue but why on earth doesn't she use tampons then at least they can just go straight down the loo which would sort out the mess and the smell! Our DSs are 17 and 16 and their rooms are one hell of a mess but I do tend to leave them to it but I would certainly draw the line at this. She must learn it isn't acceptable.

how about putting a bin in her room, one for rubbish one for her washing? at least then it's a case of emptying the bag??

hiya! does your niece leave the pads around when her friends visit? is she bothered about them seeing the pads and the smell then?

does she have a waste bin in her room? maybe you can put one in and tell her it's for the pads, a lidded one will be good.

does she respect you otherwise?

i think the fact that your daughter would be blunt may well be a good thing. She wont feel any way to tell your niece and you wont be seen as the villain - even though you are well in your rights to expect her to respect your room.

If your niece isn't embarrassed about the soiled stuff and the smell then maybe she doesn't see it as disrespect and may need a talk about personal hygiene etc.

Has she ever soiled her sheets? So has heavy periods or was she just careless with the towel?

I think there's lots of underlying problems - with her mother and her, her mother and you etc, which make this harder to sort out.

she does sound as though she has emotional problems as you say she's taken an overdose, goes out drinking etc. Maybe a heart to heart or a counsellor could help.

A list of rules is a fabby idea, maybe you could do it together tonight so that she's more open to it all and she can add somethings to it so she will feel involved.

This sounds like a difficult problem to deal with and I don't think it's just about disposing of used pads correctly. I'm wondering if it might be helpful to have a word with the school nurse who may well have come across similar behaviour before. Perhaps her mother's mental health problems have affected her more than you have realised to date and in a way it's a bit of a cry for help.

Just a thought and may be complete rubbish, but it seems to me that we mostly have a really strong 'disgust' reaction to menstrual blood that is partly rational (because it's unhygienic) but also learnt because it's still a really strong taboo. For instance, the cereal bowl that's had the sanitary towel in it is not actually going to do any harm as long as it;s been properly washed up, but most people wouldn't want to eat out of it.
I wonder if she's partly doing it because she simply doesn't find it as disgusting as everyone else and thinks the taboo is silly - so she's making a point by leaving it around. From her perspective, maybe she is being told she should be ashamed of something that actually she's not ashamed of and she resents that? I'm just wondering if you've asked her 'Do you find it disgusting?' rather than telling her 'That's disgusting!' and what she'd say if she was asked.

This also may sound mad and is probably irrelevant, but I wonder how she'd get on with a mooncup - menstrual cup that you stick up your fanjo then empty into toilet and wash out, many MN threads about it. If she is partly reacting against the menstrual taboo then she might find the mooncup a good way to express that rebellion.

I'm not suggesting this really is only about menstruation btw - I'm sure as others have suggested it is partly a cry for help and connected with other issues. Might be worth investigating this area though.

BTW Frustratedaunt, I think you're being incredibly patient through all this - amazingly kind and tolerant.

I was staying with my aunt for a week when was about the same age. When I was on the train going home I remembered that I had left a bag behind. It was a totally sealed up carrier bag, probably about three carrier bags actually, containing some used pads. I had meant to bring it with me as I was a bit shy about things like that then and i didn't want to leave it in their bin and I forgot. To this day my face burns when I think of that and the fact that my aunt would have found it, even though it was all very well wrapped. I would have thought at 17 most girls would feel the same. There are obviously some huge underlying issues there. Not easy to approach it though but I guess you have no choice.