Soiled Sanitary Towels being left around - help!

[frustratedaunt]

Please help. My niece, nearly 17years old, is staying with me whilst she continues school as her mother moved several counties away. I?ve only got to know this girl in the past year since she?s been staying with me. Her mum moved out approx four months ago (long story - think her mum - my sister - has some mental health issues that's not very obvious).

I?ve repeatedly come across soiled sanitary towels in her room, both in / out of her underwear and left lying on the floor, locker, shelves etc. When her mum was there, she told me to be 'companssionate' about the situation - she didn't want to tackle it.

I have spoken to her about this, and told her about hygiene etc, gave her some small bags that she could put the soiled towels into etc. However, despite all of this, and trying to be calm and understanding that her mum may not have been good about teaching her on these matters, I have today had the same problem. This time, there was a soiled sanitary towel in a bowel (she?d had cereal in her room last night) sitting on top of her locker. When I rang her as she'd just left for school and told her she needed to come straight home after school and get her room cleaned up and about the bowl, she just wanted to know why I'd gone into her room! I had told her when she'd asked if she could stay with me that I'd had issues with her when she was living with us and her mum, as no boundaries appeared to have been set for her. One of them was this particular issue, and I did tell her that I would periodically check to make sure she had her room clean.

She has destroyed towels which we?ve had to throw out as they?ve been completely covered in blood etc. and I don?t know how to tackle this matter. Talking doesn?t seem to help. I don?t? know what else to do. Can you advise please? I?ve tried looking on the internet for anything similar, but can?t find anything.

Thanks.

How is she about other things - you say she stayed out all hours when her mum was in charge - does she do the same with you? Does she show you respect and consideration generally apart from this, and accept your boundaries?

I would seek expert help with this one to be honest, from what you've said about her background she has had a lot to deal with and very little adequate parenting. I think I would ask the gp to put you in touch with CAMHS.

Many people have made many sensible points here already. I tend to agree with the majority and feel that she is asking for help in some way. It may even be a practical issue of finding it difficult to deal with heavy periods and trying to let you know this so that you will offer to help. (by the way you sound amazing to be doing all you can. I can understand your frustrations.) To be ruining towels would suggest that she is finding it difficult to cope with her hygiene issues also.
Eyeballs -I too would have been mortified at this age for anyone to see a soiled sanitary towel of mine.
Hope all goes well.

I would second the idea of a mooncup.
My incredibly lovely sister used to leave sanitary towels in her bedroom, as described, and it used to drive her mum mad.

Fucking hell I'd go bloody ballistic!

17???

Does she have SEN? (serious question)

if not she should be clearing up after herself

OMG I just read my post back. I meant I had wrapped them up in three carrier bags, not that there were three carrier bags full! I don't have mega flow or anything!

Mooncup sounds like a very good idea, but do you think she would clean it properly? I don't know what it's like for infections etc if it's not cleaned properly between periods.

Regarding the mooncup cleanliness -Throw it in the dishwasher and it will come up fine
But that may defeat the point of of it not being ok to put a towel in a bowl

Am so on your behalf. I think with teenagers, as with toddlers, you need to pick your battles and this is one I would never let up on until she mends her ways. Just keep on saying something very very firmly every time it happens. She has GOT to learn that this is totally unacceptable. It is so unbelievably antisocial. How can it be a cry for help? Its sheer bloody laziness and unforgivable in a 17 year old, no matter what her current circumstances. Rant, rant ...

Again, thank you all. I have given her a bin, and a roll of those little scented bags to put them into. I've said that I'm not trying to say that there is anything wrong with having a period, or that it in itself is disgusting or anything like that, but hygiene wise and etiquette dictates she behaves better etc about this. She is on the pill as she has PCOS. So far, I haven't had a problem with her keeping late nights or that. She generally comes home when I've asked her to be home by whichever time I've given her - a few times she's tried to push this and not rang etc, but I've been firm on it. I've had the usual excuses - battery died so couldn't ring etc, but I've let her know that's not my issue - she's responsible for making sure her phone is on at all times, with battery life, and if something should happen, to go to a telephone box.

She's not great around the house doing anything, and particularly when she has a shower I have to constantly tell her to clean it and her hair (long) out of it. When she and her mum initially moved out of the last place we rented, it took me over two hours to clean out the shower - she had an ensuite room there (was a lovely house, sigh...). The drain was completely blocked, with so much hair it was unreal.

Martianbishop - being new to this, what's SEN? Re going ballistic - I certainly feel that way inside, and my son thinks I get my priority's all wrong, in that I go mental when she doesn't clean up after herself in shower (last time left splashes of black hair dye everywhere) and that I should be foaming at the mouth over this.

Maybe I should show that, but I suppose I'm trying not to embarrass her in from of the two men in the house, and I am still in two minds if it's she's just being a completely lazy, spoilt little brat, used to getting everything her own way or if it isn't some other serious underlying problem. I know you can never be sure, but I don't want to psychologically cause her any damage either. I know it's really not my responsibility, and thank you all for saying how kind and understanding etc I am - I have to say I dont' feel that way as I get so angry over it all - just not really showing it right now.

I was going to sit and talk to her last night - my son certainly wants me to let her know that if it happens again, so more second chances and that?s it, she goes back to her mum. However, it?s her birthday next week and she got a present in the post from her mum yesterday, which left her in tears. Nothing major really, and she understood it was nice of her mum to have got her one, but she got her crystal necklaces / bracelets which she really isn?t into at all, and her mum knows that (her mum went to live in Glastonbury). I thought that last night was perhaps then not the night to chat.

What MB said.

It's all about boundaries.

There are some lines in society you just don't cross. And your home is a microcosym of society.

And that needs to be made clear.

TBH I have known friends' dds (perfectly normal kids) do this. They are lazy buggers but there is nothing wrong with them.

And btw their boys leave "used" tissues everywhere - but cos it's not blood it's not so obvious.

I would just quietly persist with the rules of the house - sounds like a clash of family cultures as much as anything.

If she does have emotional problems (I bet she does) then is there a young people's counselling service in your area? At 17 she prob has to be in charge of her own referral though.

I agree with others that she's crying out for help. She is wanting you to get angry to prove that you care. I think you're handling this well. The bin and the bags are a great idea - but she needs firm ground rules in all aspects of her life right now, so make sure that you give her defined boundaries regarding staying out, drinking etc. If she wants to accept your hospitality then she needs to behave in an acceptable way.

frustratedaunt

I have been in a similar position before - can I ask what her social skills are like? I know she goes out drinking so presumably has some friends. Can she talk normally with them, obey other normal social conventions - ask people how they are, keep her hair clean and appearance mostly clean and tidy, tell little stories about her past...

I ask because I had a cousin who came to live with us at 23 who now several years later still has to be cajoled into having a bath and will not wash his hair or wear deodrant although he will lie and pretend he has. Will also walk off in the middle of conversations be rude about food given to him etc.

It is a very very tough situation, and the only conclusions we can come up with are that it is the result of some severly fucked up logic. He doesn't want to be loved, so he does everything he can to stop it. If he's loved people will have expectation of him etc, and he can't cope with the very very few expectations he has of himself without adding other people to the mix.

You are in for a tough long ride. Be seriously grateful that she seems sociable enough to have friends etc, you can try and use this to back up your arguments and expectations. You need to be really truly persistent as well.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation, I'm sorry to say I don't have an answer because we never found one. Eventually it got too much and we let him go.

i use to do this, never had any education from my mother at all, too scared to put down loo, they were bricks in my day. too scared to put in bin, the whole family would have seen them. that was my 15 year old rationale anyway.

put them very tightly wrapped in my underwear draw till dm found spiders, then i was beaten.

just a talk about how to dispose would have been useful to me then, maybe her now.good luck.

SEN = Special Education needs. In other words is there a reason why a young woman of 17 doesn't realise that items soiled with blood shouldn't be left around the house?

if she is learning disabled in some way, or has more generalised problems understanding appropriate socila behaviour, then I can understand why she is doing this.

Otherwise she is more than old enough to know better.

She tried to overdose about 5 months ago?

Is she in counselling about this? That sounds far more serious than the sanitary towel issue tbh. I suspect that if whatever it is that drove her to overdose is sorted, then the sanitary towel issue would also be sorted. Meanwhle, go with the mooncup.

your a real rock for letting her stay with you and everything. i wish you were my auntie!!! you sound like an actual angel!

its a shame she sounds like she's not really respecting you and everything you are doing for her but tbh i think you should keep being exactly as you are, dont pander to her

i got a bit confused about towels and sanitary towels and what you were talking about but i got the gist - tbh i think it is a bit odd - especially that she doesnt seem very embarassed!!

maybe she has underlying problems that need addressing, i think you should take her to a councellor

I remeber my friend having a similar problem staying with her Dad (daugters grandad) she was doing this at 13, i.e. leaving them open in the toilet bin or in the bathroom.

It took some time for the girl to take notice as her mum was not that great at disciplining her child, this has led to all sorts of problems with lack of respect as the child has got older.

I think that alot of the posts on her are right, I know as a teenager you make mistakes and everything is about learning and sometimes being humiliated is the not the best way, but I agree with the post you need to set some boundries of what is and is not acceptable 17 is not strictly a child! whilst you have a hell of growing up to do at that age you should know the basics! A list of rules is a good idea.

I think your sister has a lot to anwser for and to thank you for and I hope in years to come your neice will it might seem like you are banging your head against a brick wall but you are doing great.

This is an old thread from September.