Right I need some strategies ds1 is driving me..

[Beetroot]

1. He is 14 in year 10 start of GCSE year

1. expects to do what ever he wants when ever he wants

1. Wants to play on xbox, talk to mates, eat shit

1. Lies about homework

1. Wants to do homework with msn on

1. Rushes homework

1. Is rude

1. Changed - just not interested in being interested IYKWIM

1. Leaves his stuff everywhere

How do I stop having a go at him all the time but also don't let him get away with being a selfish git?

There was advice on a thread called "So If Everyone Else is Allowed to do this or that . . ." that tells you how to turn of the internet connection just to the X-box thingy when you don't want the kid on it any more. I bumped the thread so it's now at the top of the list if you want to check it out.

Fairly normal stuff at around this age. I take it the OPs son is the eldest child? - its a shock isnt it! Going into Year 10 is quite a turning point - they suddenly feel older, starting GCSEs etc. My ds rebelled against anything he couldnt see the point of - he has always been quite compliant but changed a lot. his school was quite traditional about uniform and stuff like that and my ds just reacted against it big time. he wasnt bad about homework, but anything he considered a petty rule he just objected to. don't get too wound up - set some rules about the stuff that matters and let the rest go. Kids at this age will HATE nagging, especially boys, I nearly alienated mine by being on their case the whole time. They are going through all sorts of hormones and need time and space to discover themselves. No excuse for rudeness though - i would clamp down on that. Cook a good meal every night, he eats it or goes without. No excess money for sweets and crap. But let him get on and sort the rest out himself.

Becauseimworthiot - sorry was not being funny!

Last night - having said to him 1030 latest bedtime - he carried onpaying on the xbox until 1045 and then wandered up. I know it is not much but it bugs me and I know it is nort good for him. I didn't say anything - thought I wouldleave off for a week and see how he was.

The xbox is not in his bedroom

yes oldest

My ds is about to be 13 (he may not survive until then), and I am already having to conduct conversations in neanderthal grunts; pick up after him; stand over him and nag about packing schoolbags and homework. I sometimes feel that banging my head against a brick wall would be more productive. I am sick of finding a trail of socks (but only in singles, not pairs) around the house, and I expect it to get worse not better.

The homework is a real issue and drives me mad, as does the box of clean clothes that has been sitting in his room for a fortnight as he has not put them away. At least this is better than normal, which is him 'putting them away' in the dirty washing basket!

Have a hug, and I find industrial quantities of chocolate help as well!

We have started the new term with a list of rules, which the dc have helped and agreed with.

No phone calls after a certain time, 1 hours work each night - if no prep, then they can start on revision (!!), bags packed for the next morning etc. etc.

Time will tell if it works - but I'm starting off like a dragon, though I know I'll run out of energy at some point.

can you give me your rules?

1 hours homework?

and what time is bed time?

.

Beetroot, so far as the Xbox live thing's concerned, our ds is limited to 6 hurs a week (PS3 online, but same really). He has to ask his dad to take the lead & controller out of a locked filing cabinet, and we keep tabs on how much he does. During the week, his dad doesn't get home till late so he only actually gets on the PS3 at weekends. I don't mind if he spends 6 hours over the Sat/Sun on it, as he's done his h/work every night (no distractions!)

I wouldn't make a big deal over tidying room/eating sweets as long as he's not getting fat or having dental probs. My ds also buys unbelievable amounts of sweets on the way home from school but I don't feed him till 7pm so he's hungry again by then.

BTW bedtime 9pm weeknights, confiscate remote control/ipod touch 10pm (10pm bedtime at w/ends)

9pm - jesus there would be up roar in this house.

1030 - 11.00 is what he wants 10.30 is what I am at present agreeing to - IF he sticks to it.

I would like ot ry and get him t limit the xbix himself - just not sure if he can. But also if he has done his work then he can choose xbox/tv etc - it is getting him to do his work properly that I am stumbling at

he has no TV?XBOX etc in his room

God its a nightmare!I let ds have computer 8 until 9.30 then he ahs to do stuff like bath prepare schoolbag (never does this but says he has)Lights out at 10 weekdays weekends usually when he feels like it as I can't bear the arguments.Ds also buys incredible rubbisy sweets and drinks after school and does at times struggle with his dinner I try and ignore that but it drives dp mad.He has to keep all his washing in his basket and bring it down saturday otherwise i don't do it.

They all need different amounts of sleep. Ds was the toddler who had 2X2 hour naps a day till he was 4, and always slept through for 12 or 13 hours!

If he gets less than 10 hours sleep a night he's a monosyllabic grump.

So when do they get better then? My ds is 17 nearly 18 and still driving me to the end of my tether. Trouble is when I talk to him he says all the things I want to hear but does none of them!!
He never puts his dirty laundry in the washing basket. But if I then didn't pick them up and wash them he would just wear them dirty! Unwashed teenage boy smell is not something I want to live with!
He has a part time job so I have no control over money he has and what he spends it on.
He is doing ok at college but is capable of so much better and I just despair that at some point he will regret it. He got good gcse results. OK AS results but he was disappointed for about a day and surprised that I wasn't more pleased with what he got. To be honest I was relieved he didn't fail them but I was disappointed because all his tutors said he was extremely capable but lacking in motivation.
I long since gave up cooking meals for him as he is never here to eat them and I just try not to worry about what he eats. I would be even greyer than I already am or bald if I did!!
I could go on but the underlying thing I find hardest to accept is that I can't acually physically make him do anything and I have to sit and watch him making mistakes. I have to negotiate and persuade him to do everything which is so draining emotionally. I'm thinking of applying to become a United Nations peace keeper...I'm sure it couldn't be any harder than being the parent of a teenager!!!!!!
I so miss the lovely boy he once was. I will always love him but I certainly don't like him very much at present!

I'm now off to tackle the piles of clothes in his room because the smell is beginning to infiltrate the whole house! All whilest avoiding the 3 snakes he has in his room..all bought by him I hasten to add.

Ah beetroot - sympathies. Dd(13) has similar tendencies (esp. with eating and homework). Do you think now he's finished the regimentation of choir he's gone a bit to the opposite extreme?

It seems to me there are several options for you:

a) ignore it & let him realise the error of his ways himself. This might be a good plan if you are moderately confident he will get past it himself and you can rely on the school to pick up on poorly done or missed homework and give him what for from that end (you could consider tipping them off - a stern lecture from his tutor/housemaster might have more impact than the same message from you).

b) take a tough no nonsense approach - set groundrules sanctions and rewards etc.

c) A combination of the two - for instance, let the school deal with the homework side, but you set down the law at home on betimes and basic manners.

I'd probably go with c myself. Also, does he have any household chores that he is expected to do? I think it would be good for him if not.

Snorkle - I think it has something to do with the sudden amount of time he has now that he has left the choir.

I think I need to let it run ofr a while and just watch and see how things are. See if he settles down himself. he is a specialist musician now so I am guessing this will start to take up more and more time and if he slacks he is out. and if he is out , he is out of the school (as far as we are concerned)

Then I need to set some rules. (we not I)

Ignoring sweets seems a good idea. his teeth are fine and he is slim.

XBOX - maybe it will jsut break

At the risk of annoying you- I would still say, hands off the less important stuff- my DS was terrible when he was at home ( he is now finishing uni and wants to come back - had sleepless night last night just thinking about it!)

as i said before- school work- let school sort out but liaise with them. Tell them you are taking a hands-off approach but they need to step-in.

It might have to be tough love- a friend of mine used to suggest that to me and I was horrified- but at the end of the day, you cannot MAKE him work- even if he sits with his books open you cannot MAKE him write the answers or learn- he has to want to.
What is the worst case scenario? Re-taking GCSEs at a local college? He might have to do that- that's why i say "tough love" -pass the responsibility onto him.

Bedtimes- what is important is that he goes to his room and doesn't disturb the rest of you- but you cannot make him sleep when you say so!

Clothes and dirty washing- I'd not wash anything that wasn't put out to be washed. If he wants to smell in dirty clothes, let him- someone else will comment long before you get sick of it and that will have much more effect on him.

My DS learned a sharp lesson when a train passenger moved after sitting next to him - he was about 14 and totally unaware of BO etc etc- despite us nagging him and mentioning deodorant and "clean your teeth" every 5 minutes. Now, he has several showers a day and is super-clean!

The trouble with doing everything for him and nagging is that you are prolonging his dependency on you- he needs to feel the consequences of his actions from other people outside the family.

I really do know how hard it is, but you have to be firm and decide which battles are worth fighting- and which aren't.

GND you make alot of sense.

He is very clean so at least no worries so far!
Thank you everyone for all your help!

Our rules have to be fairly tight Beetroot, because we leave the house at 7.30 am and don't return until around 6.45 pm. The ideal plan is either dh or I will get home and cook, the other will collect the kids from the bus. We eat, and they then spend at least 1 hr. working - prep or revision - before getting their bags ready for the next day. Once they are totally organised, they have their own time until 10 pm - bedtime - but all phone calls stop at 9.30 pm because I get sick and fed up of hearing 'just another couple of minutes'.

They shower each morning, so have a pretty early start.

And no tv's or computers in their bedrooms.

As I say, this may last for a couple of weeks or so!

The payback is that they know how hard we work, they are very lucky (spoilt!) in many ways. Don't really help with housework, ironing etc., so they've got to keep me happy.

Sounds just like me at 14 Beetroot, i was a bloody nightmare and a mardy cow to boot.

My parents did this thing with me where they sat sown with pen and paper with me and we drew up a kind of 'contract' where we wrote down everythin we disagreed on in your case all the 9 things you listed and talked through untill we came to a compromise ie, i wanted to stay out untill 10 they said 8 so we agreed on 9, i remeber feeling like i was allowd some say in my life and they still had a fair bit of control.

Not sure if you ds would go for that?

Haven't read any replies so apologies if I repeat anything. We have times when they are/aren't allowed to do things. During the week in term time, they are allowed nothing with a screen before 6pm, so no games consoles, television, computers (unless required for homework - cue DS1 insisting he has homework and then being caught playing games on his laptop ). They have to do homework when they get in, but are allowed a little time to settle, get a drink, snack, beforehand. This means that there's no point in rushing homework in order to watch television, go on msn, etc.

It seems rather draconian, but it works most of the time.

Rudeness is just part of the phase. I do speak to them when they are rude and occasionally dish out punishments if the rudeness warrants it. Leaving stuff everywhere is also normal. I warn them that their stuff will be walked on, shoved on the floor, etc. Occasionally I pile it all in a heap and warn them that, if not cleared up, it will next be seen in a black bin bag.

Not easy is it? And I hate always having to be the bad guy.

At present we are letting him choose when he does homework - as long as it is done. But what ishappening is thathe rushes it - 20 mins yeasterday while on msn..It just does not work.

I like the contract idea