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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Why did she put me through that?

69 replies

elesbells · 01/09/2008 14:53

I really don't know how to start this one. Sorry if its long.

My dd2 is 17 and the normal stroppy teenager type.. but no big trouble until now iykwim.

last Monday afternoon she went out to a friends house (it was a friend from where she used to live and she had to get the train). she text me to let me know she had arrived ok.

I called her at 10.30pm to see if she was on her way back and she said she was at the station waiting for the train home and asked if I could meet her at the other end.

I got to the station as her train was pulling in but she wasn't on it so I called her mobile which was switched off. I waited for the next train and the next (going home in between to see if she had called) but nothing. By this time it was gone midnight so I drove to the station she said she was at when I called her but again nothing. I ended up going to the friends house who said she had left for the station at 10pm. I then went to the police.

I was at the police station until 6am. The police had been searching for her all night They put a trace on her mobile and it was about 20 miles from where she said she was I was convinced something terrible had happened - she had never disappeared before.

All through the night as the police searched for her (this involved two police forces) they 'pinged' her phone, it kept comming up in the same place (it hadn't moved at all) and I had given up hope on seeing her again tbh.

I then got a call from my mum aroung 9am to say she had turned up there - she was okay but knew she was in trouble. she wasn't with the friend she had said she was with (she had got her to lie) but refused to say where she had been (and was quite bolshy to the police when they went to see her apparently)

So now 1 week on, she is still at my mothers. I know this is going to sound strange but I can't see her - I'm so angry and upset - not because she stayed out all night or the fact that she lied...its about what I went through that night and the fact that she asked me to meet her knowing full well she was never going to be there. She text me last night (first contact) to ask if she could come and talk - but I couldn't do it. Ive told her to give me a few days as there is no point when i'm angry.

I'm crying all the time and feel bloody empty and useless tbh. Its like I don't want her home now.

so tell me - What would you do? how would you handle it?

sorry its long but I needed to get it all out.
tia x

OP posts:
Dynamicnanny · 01/09/2008 15:04

No sure but (big hugs) do you know where she was the evening in question? Had she meant to get the train?

Cosette · 01/09/2008 15:10

How scary and dreadful for you. Does your mother know what happened? You do need to speak to your daughter, and I don't think delaying it any longer will help either of you. If you leave it you might find she no longer wishes to speak to you, and all these questions will remain unanswered.

How do you know that she didn't mean to catch the train - I do agree that asking you to meet the train knowing she wouldn't be on it was very odd.

I would speak to her, and see what she has to say - and as soon as possible. Good Luck..

Original poster
elesbells · 01/09/2008 15:11

I have no idea where she was.

I know now that she never intended to get the train as she was 20 miles or so in the opposite direction!

I guess i'm upset as we've always had such an open relationship. It would have been a different ball game if she said she wasn't coming home (she often stays at her friends)

I just can't understand why she felt she needed to put me through that.

OP posts:
Mamazon · 01/09/2008 15:15

she behaved terribly. you have every right to be angry at her and i am sure she knows it.
But you do need to talk. ifyou dont think you will be able to just yet then your wise to ask her to wait a few days.

ivykaty44 · 01/09/2008 15:20

You will know when you are ready to see your dd, what she has done is terribly wrong - you will eventually forgive her but there is no need to rush this process.

Hopefully with time you will be able to forgive her but your relationship will take time to repair and may not be the same as it was before.

If it was me I would actually tell her not to tell me anything about that night; rather silence than a pack of lies.

RedHead81 · 01/09/2008 15:21

Has she done it for attention? My sister ran away from home for a night 3yrs ago, she was 16 and put us through hell for the whole night - police searching, us searching - i was even convinced i had seen her in a boys car and ranted at him to tell me where she was (she was never in his car as it turns out )

Her and the girl she went with showed up the next morning - the other girl had mild hypotermia .

Things had been going wrong at home though - her dad had left my mum a year before for another woman and my mum had started seeing another man and she was desperately seeking attention but both were focussing on their lives and not hers. So I guess what I'm trying to say is (in as nice a way as possible) is she getting any time with you? You mentioned that she was at a friends house where she used to live - did she not want to move perhaps and is taking it out on you and seeking your attention?

NoMoreOlympics · 01/09/2008 15:21

oh no eles, your post made me a bit teary, that must have been AWFUL for you

you have to get to the bottom of this and find out why she put you through unnecessary anguish

its really odd

islandlassie · 01/09/2008 15:24

If you dont know yet what she was doing how can you understand why she put you through that. You wont know til you talk to her.

What if she had intended meeting you but something had happened? If she's wanting to speak to you maybe you should give her a chance. She will surely understand that you'll be very upset and angry.

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. Try to remember that teenagers sometimes do incredibly stupid things and dont know why but arent trying to hurt the people that they end up hurting.

(i was 17 2 years ago and was doing similar things til i turned 18 and i dont know why i did a lot of it and im sorry for hurting the people i hurt but am so grateful they always found it in them to forgive me because we wouldnt have had the relationships we do now otherwise)

jesuswhatnext · 01/09/2008 15:28

you poor poor thing, you must have been frantic

i do think you need to speak to dd though, something is going on with her, probs something she KNOWS you will not like, i wonder if a boy is involved some how?

i wish you all the best, i truly think that teenage years are bloody awful for EVERYONE!

Original poster
elesbells · 01/09/2008 15:34

Thanks all.

she was happy to move here. She goes to college here and its where her friends are (she didn't go to the friends house she said she was going to - she lied)

Ivy - I agree I don't think I want her to tell me tbh I'd probably find it hard to believe her anyway.

I was the worst when I was a teen for staying out and getting up to all sorts but I would never have arranged to meet my mother and not shown up - And thats what i'm upset about.

I don't think i'll ever understand - I just don't see the point of us meeting and me losing it with her (which at the moment i know i will)

OP posts:
Original poster
elesbells · 01/09/2008 15:36

Jeasus - just what I was thinking actually. She has always been open with boys and the like - but methinks this is one that she thinks i wouldn't approve of somehow...

OP posts:
Uriel · 01/09/2008 15:38

I think you're right to wait a little while until you're able to talk to her calmly.

And, tbh, it won't do any harm for your dd to have some time to think over her actions and realise the impact she's had on you.

Can your mum find out the story in the meantime and let you know?

jesuswhatnext · 01/09/2008 15:51

if you do find that it is a guy who is 'not quite the mark', try very hard NOT to say anything, if she thinks she is in love, nothing you say will make her change her mind - i would encourage her to bring him home, be as plesant as you can manage and let it run it's course (she has been ok up to now, so is plainly not stupid or plain awkward and will work out a prat for a prat fairly quickly )

i have had to 'welcome' the most bloody, pig-ignorant, stinking knob-head into my home before now, my dd (sounds very like yours) chucked him of her own accord when she realised his heavy drug use made him boring, dirty and poor!

my god, it was bloody hard work at the time though!

Original poster
elesbells · 01/09/2008 16:02

thanks jeasus - I always said to myself that I would smile through gritted teeth if she brought home a not-so-suitable-boyfriend-for-my-baby

I guess I just have to wait until i can promise not to strangle her when I see her before we can meet and talk - no matter how much its hurting.

I can honestly say I absolutly dislike teenagers - they are a different species.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 01/09/2008 16:05

i'm told we get nice humans back one day

mountaingirl · 01/09/2008 16:18

Poor you what a horrible and frightening experience. What I can't quite understand is why do you not want to meet her whilst you are understandably angry and shocked at her behaviour. She is almost an adult and surely as worried as she obviously is for her stupidity, needs to know face to face and upfront what she has done to you. Not meeting her until you are feeling calmer will never really show her the terrible worry she has put you through. Are you frightened she might walk out on you if you show her how mad you really are? My mother would have probably killed me and I might well do the same to mine if they ever pulled a selfish stunt like that!! What does your maother say about it all? I hope she is not condoning her behaviour. I hope you get it all sorted out very soon and then you can move one.

Original poster
elesbells · 01/09/2008 16:40

Mountaingirl - Yes I admit I am worried she will walk out on me but tbh I just don't think I can say what needs to be said whilst angry - I will really loose it and nothing will be gained.

My mother is a bloody hypocrite...let me tell you, I would not be posting this today if I had done that to her..

But grandmas perogative an all that, she totally smothers her. When she called to tell me she was there I asked where she was and she replied 'gone for a sleep - she looked tired bless her' so that gives you some idea of my mothers viewpoint...

OP posts:
mountaingirl · 01/09/2008 19:17

It is amazing what Grandmother's ignore when it comes to their grandchildren, mine is exactly the same!! I hope you get it sorted soon and then you can try and get over the horrible shock and stress she put you through.

mumonthenet · 01/09/2008 20:13

can you write her a letter elesbells? explaining how you feel....you can get it off your chest without losing your temper and then she can have her chance to explain when YOU are ready.

Original poster
elesbells · 01/09/2008 20:20

mumonthenet - That is a really good idea.

I think i will do that thank you

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 01/09/2008 20:24

This is a long shot but is there any chance she may be pregnant I only ask because maybe in some strange way she thought if you thought something awful had happened when she got round to telling you she's pregnant it wouldn't be so much of a big deal and you would just be glad her and baby are ok?

I just can't think of any reason she would do this to you? but it's backfired on her and now you're so angry about this she feels she can't tell you anything else?

Only saying this because I was pg at 16 and when I found out I stayed away from home for 3 days while I thought about what I needed to do although I did let my dad know where I was (but I didn't have a mobile phone and he didn't know which 1 of the flats I was staying in so he knew where I was but only roughly) then I went home and told him and packed my stuff even though he said I didn't have to.

Original poster
elesbells · 01/09/2008 20:38

Oh LMG I hope not - shit i really hope not...

I can't get my head around her asking me to meet her knowing full well she wasn't going to be there - like she did it on purpose....hmm there is something I hope its not that - blimey

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 02/09/2008 07:34

I hope its not, don't want you to worry more than you have already I just can't think of any explaination. I think you need to write to her to start building bridges though.

Freckle · 02/09/2008 07:48

Goodness how perfectly awful. I have an inkling of what you went through. We were on holiday last week and dh and DS1 went out for a walk. Ds3 said he was going to go with them and ran out the front door of the cottage to catch up with them. Two minutes later, DS1 came back for something and I said "Oh is DS3 with you and dad?". He said no and ran back out again. By the time I realised what he'd said and ran after him, there was no sign of anyone. They had no phones with them and I didn't know which way they'd gone. DS2 and I spent an hour driving round frantically looking for DS2 as we thought he'd probably gone the wrong way to find his dad. I got more and more worried and felt physically sick - even though at the back of my mind I knew there was a possibility that he was with his dad. We were in a very rural and isolated place and, if DS3 had got lost, there was no way he'd find his way home again. After 2 hours, they all 3 of them turned up. DS1 insists he didn't say DS3 wasn't with them.

For your dd to ask you to meet a train that she knew she wouldn't be on smacks of a deliberate attempt to upset and worry you. Why?? It is possible that what she was up to was so bad she thought that going missing would make the truth less awful.

I do hope you can get to the bottom of it. A letter sounds like a good idea.

BecauseImWorthIt · 02/09/2008 07:58

Why are you so concerned about not losing it in front of your daughter? I think she has to understand just how angry/emotional her behaviour has made her.

I can't understand why you aren't seeing her to thrash this out. Surely you need to know what went on? Sounds like your daughter is behaving like a spoiled brat and your mother is just making it worse.

Sounds almost as if you're frightened by her and she's the one calling all the shots.