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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Why did she put me through that?

69 replies

elesbells · 01/09/2008 14:53

I really don't know how to start this one. Sorry if its long.

My dd2 is 17 and the normal stroppy teenager type.. but no big trouble until now iykwim.

last Monday afternoon she went out to a friends house (it was a friend from where she used to live and she had to get the train). she text me to let me know she had arrived ok.

I called her at 10.30pm to see if she was on her way back and she said she was at the station waiting for the train home and asked if I could meet her at the other end.

I got to the station as her train was pulling in but she wasn't on it so I called her mobile which was switched off. I waited for the next train and the next (going home in between to see if she had called) but nothing. By this time it was gone midnight so I drove to the station she said she was at when I called her but again nothing. I ended up going to the friends house who said she had left for the station at 10pm. I then went to the police.

I was at the police station until 6am. The police had been searching for her all night They put a trace on her mobile and it was about 20 miles from where she said she was I was convinced something terrible had happened - she had never disappeared before.

All through the night as the police searched for her (this involved two police forces) they 'pinged' her phone, it kept comming up in the same place (it hadn't moved at all) and I had given up hope on seeing her again tbh.

I then got a call from my mum aroung 9am to say she had turned up there - she was okay but knew she was in trouble. she wasn't with the friend she had said she was with (she had got her to lie) but refused to say where she had been (and was quite bolshy to the police when they went to see her apparently)

So now 1 week on, she is still at my mothers. I know this is going to sound strange but I can't see her - I'm so angry and upset - not because she stayed out all night or the fact that she lied...its about what I went through that night and the fact that she asked me to meet her knowing full well she was never going to be there. She text me last night (first contact) to ask if she could come and talk - but I couldn't do it. Ive told her to give me a few days as there is no point when i'm angry.

I'm crying all the time and feel bloody empty and useless tbh. Its like I don't want her home now.

so tell me - What would you do? how would you handle it?

sorry its long but I needed to get it all out.
tia x

OP posts:

NoMoreOlympics · 02/09/2008 15:57

I do hope the OP is busy talking to her dd and not making her (and us) wait on tenterhooks.

That is a cruelty too.

ivykaty44 · 02/09/2008 21:16

No it is not a cruelty it is the reality of pushing a parent to far or another human to far. The reality the behaviour is not acceptable, if the behaviour was due to another fact then why was the dd so bolshe with the police? This is also not acceptable and the parent is clear in her upset that this is not just going to be ignored and her dd pandered to.

Original poster

elesbells · 02/09/2008 22:02

wow - wasn't expecting so many replies today (I was at work)

Ok i will try and answer some questions...

She did get her friend to lie - the police had gone there and she kept up the lie her mother finally phoned the police to tell them this girl had admitted they had never arranged to meet in the first place. (I havn't spoke to her mother so don't know how she didn't know)

As for whether something is troubling her, clearly there is but I can only guess its something to do with us moving house (but all her friends are here, its near her college ect so she seemed quite happy to move)

I'm really scratching my head for answers tbh. My sister has been round to my mums today to speak to her and she was apparantly riding around in a car with a mate and her boyfriend (I just knew a male was involved!)

It still doesn't explain why she asked me to meet her - she said to my sister she doesn't know why??

I don't think i will ever get over that night I was so frightened. I think thats why i still can't see her I don't want to be violent (i'm not a violent person) but god I could do her damage....

It feels good though getting it all out thank you all.

OP posts:

mumonthenet · 02/09/2008 23:37

elesbells, if you do decide to write her a letter all you would need to write is what you did in your opening post on here....practically word for word!

your opening post is a powerful expression of the sheer horror of what you went through.

All you would need to add is that you love her.

Take care of yourself, (and like others have said...be thankful she's at her grandma's!)

JustineMumsnest · 02/09/2008 23:42

Oh you poor thing. I am terribly shocked that she was out with her friends today. She should be grounded for at least 6 months, your mother is doing her no favours by indulging her (unless something really terrible has gone on, but it doesn't seem to have).

A long and devastating lecture about how painful and tortuous the experience was for you is in order.

Carmenere · 02/09/2008 23:44

sorry for the joke name

PollyLogos · 03/09/2008 07:15

I am the mother of three teenagers and would hate to have gone through what you went through elesbells. It makes me feel scaredjust thinking about it.

However, I do think you should see your dd as soon as possible. I believe that you should see her, tell how much you love her but say that you can't even talk about it yet because you are still so upset/angry/traumatised by the chain of events that night.

You are, of course, not useless, she is an emerging adult making her own (sometimes very bad) decisions. She wants to see you, I'm sure she has got the message about how angry you are.

Original poster

elesbells · 03/09/2008 09:08

I feel alot calmer this morning - I think getting it all out on here has helped. (its also the first time i've felt defended iykwim?)

I'm going to arrange to meet her today..I'll update later.

thank you all so much.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 03/09/2008 11:10

good luck, hope you get a heartfelt apology from her at the very least

PollyLogos · 03/09/2008 15:21

I do hope that you and dd meet/met up today and have at least talked. I've been thinking about this thread all day and imagining how that night must have been for you elesbells. Best wishes.

Moski · 03/09/2008 19:59

Elesbells, your post gave me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the time my 15 year old DS did essentially the same thing last winter. I was convinced he was dead or injured in a ditch somewhere freezing because I couldn't imagine him doing something like that to me. I still remember vividly the feelings of terror and powerlessness. When he showed up the next morning, I felt incredibly betrayed. Better to have him alive than dead of course, but the incident changed my feelings toward him. I love him, but can't trust him anymore. And I'm never comfortable with him going out . . . .

Original poster

elesbells · 03/09/2008 22:19

well...
We met earlier. She's okay (if not a little sheepish) We went for a coffee and I managed to keep reasonably calm.

She said she was with a girl from college and they were out with a couple of boys.

She said that she had every intention of coming home that night - but when I called her she thought it was later than it was so said she was waiting for the train. she then panicked and realised she would never make it to our station before me and so would get caught out so decided to stay out instead (teenagers - don't you just love the way they think)

Anyway upshot is I took her back to my mums - We've both talked about how we feel - there were lots of tears ect - But ive said we should sleep on what we've discussed and think through the rules and boundries of her living at home so we can move forward.

I've explained (and I believe she understands) just what I went through that night and that I must be sure there is no repeat.

I think i'll bring her home in the next day or so...It killed me to leave her but I had to make her think if that makes sense?

I've missed her so much.

Thanks for all of your replies - it really helped x

OP posts:

theSuburbanDryad · 03/09/2008 22:31

elesbells - i didn't want to post advice on this thread as i don't have a teenager myself but I think you've done a really fabulous job here! I cannot even begin to imagine what you went through that night, and to continue to build bridges with your dd is amazing.

You sound like a brilliant mum - one day your dd will realise how fantastic you are.

PollyLogos · 04/09/2008 06:29

I'm so glad that you met up and talked. Also glad you managed to keep calm! (which I am sure took some doing)

Hope things move on from here positively.

mangolassi · 04/09/2008 08:30

Yeah, good job elesbells. Sounds like a good start - and I'm filing away the 'thinking about rules and boundaries' bits for the future!

PinkTulips · 04/09/2008 10:48

well done ells

can't believe youkept calm, that must have taken some doing!

hope she's home soon and you never have to go through anything like that again

fortyplus · 08/09/2008 14:23

elesbells - well done - sounds as though you handled it brilliantly. Hope you can both move forward and enjoy a trusting relationship in future.

mumonthenet · 10/09/2008 10:16

elesbells,

you are a wonderful mum, well done. I hope you both can heal...am sure you will.

catepilarr · 10/09/2008 15:08

hop you are both at home now?

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