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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

So....if everyone else is allowed to do this, that and the other...where are they all?

53 replies

fizzbuzz · 27/08/2008 15:25

Discovered ds 14 on his x box live at 2.15am . He is in the attic, so I can't always know what he is up to. But woke up the other night and heard him.

As a result of this, and with the kind help from the Geeky thread, we have managed to block access to internet in his room with times of our choosing

Ds not talking to me...as everyone else is allowed on until 4.00am apparently.

However he was talking to someone on it.............

So was wondering, what other things are friends allowed to do that your poor deprived teens re not allowed

OP posts:
Moski · 28/08/2008 20:19

Riven, are you saying you let your ds1 do more than other kids or that he doesn't give you the "everyone else" thing because he doesn't play that game? If you are saying the second alternative, what is your secret .

herbietea · 28/08/2008 20:26

This reply has been deleted

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Squirdle · 28/08/2008 20:45

DS1 (aged 14) doesn't do the 'everyone else' thing either. I am fairly relaxed about bedtime during school holidays, but I will suggest he goes to bed earlier if he looks tired. DH is less relaxed than me, but has become better recently. School nights he has to go to bed at 10. He needs to sleep properly on a school night as he has to get up early (and be able to concentrate at school)

One thing that makes me laugh about DS is that he will never tuck in his shirt before he gets to school. DH goes mad and gets cross that he keeps having to tell him, but I have told DH that aall DS will do is untuck around the corner, whatever we say School rules are that they have to have shirts tucked in at school anyway, so he'd soon get pulled up on it.

We are lucky as DS is a very easy going teen. Very sociable and lovely He has lots of interests (is currently at Aikido) and oftens goes out during the holidays on planned trips with friends. He has been to quite a few 'gigs' (lurves his electric guitar ) but we always collect him from them or arrange for him to have a lift from another parent.

He isn't allowed to ride in the dark with no lights...in fact I get edgy about him riding in the dark...like tonight, but have no choice as we have a 3 and 5 yr olds and DH is working away. Aikido not far away thank goodness.

And the coat thing oh the coat thing....how do you get them to wear a coat? Thankfully DS has to wear a blazer to school so at least has an extra layer, but I've given up on trying to get him to wear a decent coat to school. He'll wear his jacket, but it's thin (apparently it's really warm )

Squirdle · 28/08/2008 20:47

I agree that you have to trust them to earn their respect. if you treat them as though they will always be silly kids, then that is exactly what they will be. I still worry lots about DS (and he knows this) but in some ways I have to let go a bit and trust him to make his own decisions and learn from them if they are the wrong ones.

But he is lovely [smug emoticon]

Moski · 28/08/2008 20:49

I am stupefied with envy.

Squirdle · 28/08/2008 20:56

I have no doubt whatsoever that the youngest 2 won't test us whem they are teenagers though....I know I have it coming

Squirdle · 28/08/2008 21:00

Moski, I totally understand about the bike helmet thing and you have so much more reason to worry about that. I used to insist that DS always wore his bike helmet and he did up until about 6 months ago. I figured, like the school shirt thing, that I could insist, but he could always take it off around the corner so I have made it his responsibility. I actually think that it should be made illegal to not wear a bike helmet, whatever the age, but alas no.

However, I do think that if I were in your situation and explained to DS why I was very uneasy about him not wearing one, he would do it.

Squirdle · 28/08/2008 21:02

I think I meant to say that I know the youngest 2 will test us when they are teens.

Even I didn't understand what I had typed

Moski · 28/08/2008 21:07

Squirdle, my DS doesn't respond to anything not even emotional blackmail (and he witnessed our other son's accident!) He ditches his helmet under a bush or in a garbage bin. He is constantly "losing" his helmet. And I think it is illegal to ride without a helmet where we live (Boulder, Coloradoland of bikes). He doesn't care . . . . It's just too uncool for him to wear a helmet. And getting back to the thread, "none of his friends' parents make them wear a helmet."

sarah293 · 28/08/2008 21:13

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 28/08/2008 21:16

My ds will wear a coat!! But he does a paper round after school, and it is freezing here in winter.

Anyway, have talked about issue of trust with him. Have removed block as long as he behaves himself re xbox. If coursework suffers block is back on!!

I find the easy going approach works best as well. I am not a stickler for rules and stuff, sometimes it is just making a rod for your own back.
He is usually very easy going and pleasant...

OP posts:
Squirdle · 28/08/2008 21:22

Hmm, I dunno what to say Moski Unfortuanely teenagers only seem to be concerned about what their friends can/can't do, wear/don't wear.

I guess what I do (and I think I am pretty good at it) is remembering what I was like as a teen. We all wanted to fit in and by being like our friends, we thought we achieved that. Our parents didn't know anything (well to fair mine didn't but hey ho)

Maybe our relationship with DS is the way it is because he was the only one until he was 9, he had a lot of adult interaction and we had him when we were 21 and 22. I'm not saying it is, it could just be that it is his nature to be the way he is.

We do still have to pull him up on things and he does do the eye rolling thing, but it's rare. He is sensible though, so I respect the fact that he is capable of making many of his own decisions.

We are lucky enough that if he does ever behave unreasonably (and tbh it's never serious) he will take on board what we have said and will always apologise.

I have just been reading the teen girls thread and by god I am thankful for DS1!!!

Watch this space in 8 yrs time when DS2 becomes a teen...actually he may be ok, it'll be DS3 who will send me grey

Squirdle · 28/08/2008 21:25

I do agree with Riven and Fizzbuzz, they do seem to respond more positively to the more easy going approach.

I would crack down on DS if he ever did anything serious, and I do have rules when it concerns his safety, but I don't seem to need to nag.

And he makes a lovely cup of tea

Moski · 28/08/2008 21:37

I guess it's too late for us to adopt the easy-going approach, although I don't think it would have worked with our boys. DS1 is now 17 and will be off to college next year . DS2 (16) who had the brain injury goes to (strict) boarding school, as I've mentioned on another thread. Both were lovely until 15 1/2 and then it was like aliens replaced them in their bodies . . . . Our oldest boy (20) was a dream in comparison.

Squirdle · 28/08/2008 21:43

Don't say that, DS1 is only 14 and a half.....

2shoes · 28/08/2008 21:47

fizzbuzz just read the op. ds would stay on it all night if I let him, he talks to people in other countrys.

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 28/08/2008 21:55

Oh, so does mine, he likes to wind up some American kid that he lives in Iraq...he also tells me, you can see a map of the world and who is playing, and at certain ties of the day (or night!) different places are really active. I think it's the west coats of America at this time of night.

In a way I'm jealous...I wish I could have done this sort of stuff as a teenager.

Squirdle, that remembering the stuff about being a teen did not go down well today ith ds. Having just bought him a Slipknot ticket, I told him not to go mad in the mosh pit (?)
5 seconds silence..."How do you know what a mosh pit is"
"I used to go in them"
"God how embarrassing..fgs don't tell any of my friends..."

OP posts:
Moski · 28/08/2008 22:01

Squirdle, did not mean to scare you, but you may need to fasten your seatbelt at some point and hang on for a bumpy ride. If so, try to remember the "lovely" times. . .

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 28/08/2008 22:07

Moski, how did they change at 15 1/2?[tremble emoticon]

I do think boys go off the rails later than girls. I teach secondary, girls get difficult about 13/14, boys about 15/16......

OP posts:
Moski · 28/08/2008 22:19

Check out the current thread, "Teenagers: I am so not enjoying being parent of a teenage girl" that is going on right now. Although the thread started out about girls, it pretty sums up how my boys went from "lovely" to "ARRGGGHHH" in the blink of an eye. Actually my youngest son didn't "turn" until he was just shy of 16. But some changes: everything DH and I say is stupid, ridiculous, etc., whenever we speak they say "why are you shouting?", anytime we ask a simple question like, "How was school?" they answer "QUIT ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS!" Things like that--pretty well described in the book "Get Out of My Life (but first would you take me and Cheryl/Alex to the Mall). And that is the least mean stuff . . . .

dinasaw · 30/08/2008 13:03

In our house everyone else's parents allow them:
to smoke in their rooms in the middle of the night.
Wander the streets at all hours
give them money whenever they need it
Provide them with and allow them to drink pepsi as if it was water
Let girlfriends stay overnight
etc

Moski · 10/09/2008 22:16

bump

Beetroot · 11/09/2008 08:41

This is itneresting

Do you have a bed time in school time?

for 14?

LollipopViolet · 11/09/2008 18:54

Hmm, let's see how I score on the lenient meter:

I go to bed at 10 on a weeknight, no later than 11 on weekends, and even then I'm quiet.
I wear a coat when it's cold.
I offer to get the bus/taxi if I'm going to be out late/somewhere out of the way (but a lot of the time my mum/granddad will give me aa lift one way and I'll come home myself).
I don't spend all night on games.
If I am watching TV at 2am, it's because I couldn't sleep, and if my parents ask that's what I tell them.
I am almost completely self sufficient in that my family only pays for my food and some clothes, ie: ones where I've gone out with my mum and we've been in a clothes shop. If I go out with friends, I buy everything, buy my own games etc.
I have a part time job.
I am hoping to pay all my university fees myself.

Moski · 11/09/2008 19:24

LolliPop: Do you think your parents would mind trading kids with me for awhile? They can have my two teenage boy terrors and I'll take you!