Advice for supporting my very reserved 17 year old daughter

[Bombalerina]

My DD, nearly 17, has always been very reserved. We’ve tried a few things (extra curricular activities for example, encouraging friendships, moving her to a small secondary school) to try and get her out of her shell - to no avail.

She works hard and spends most of her time in her bedroom. She has zero interest outside school - which is also a consequence of her being so reserved.

I had always hoped she’d come out of her shell as she becomes older and she has, in fairness, made progress, recently giving a presentation to an audience as part of her school work, for example.

But seeing other girls at prize-giving this week made me realise how awkward she feels. Other girls were smiling, relaxed, happy and looking at ease with themselves. Mine was scrunched up, hiding and generally looking very uncomfortable. It gave me a really bad feeling that I can’t really explain.

She says she’s fine and never opens up. She’s in good health, not spending too much time online, no disordered eating or any other cause for concern. School is fine - a few teachers are now noticing her and talking about her potential, which is a novelty as teachers have generally ignored her totally throughout her school years.

What can I do to help her come out of her shell, go
out a bit more, be more sociable? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

She will come out of her shell in time. I was so awkward until I started working and had no choice but to come out of my shell (care sector).
My son is the exact same, he's volunteered in charity shop etc but still so awkwardly quiet, it pains me. He is loud around his friends but as they all go to different sixth form/ college he's not around them very much.

I honestly think if you leave them to it, they will adjust, I think bringing up about being quiet makes people more self conscious.

There are lots of introverts and its normal- before anyone starts the diagnostics.

DD21 is definitely reserved - has usually had 1 or 2 good friends at school but not socialised much outside school and her favourite activity has always been reading. She played an instrument and joined school orchestra which was great as big enough group that she didn’t feel everyone was looking at her and she could “hide” behind the instrument. Uni had been great for her - it took time and she was one of those with no one to share a house with in year 2 but has gradually come out of her shell and gained confidence and has a couple of groups of friends who hang out together or share a house but still low key activities.

DS19 on the other hand us at the extreme end due to social anxiety and selective mutism, and for him uni was too much change and he spoke to no one for a whole term so he stopped and came home.

It sounds like your DD is more like mine but be aware that uni isn’t always the answer and even if it is will take time.

I get what PP are saying to appreciate who she is, but there's a difference between not being particularly sociable, and scrunching herself up and hiding at her own school prizegiving.

You say she doesn't have interests outside school, so how about an academic type club, eg book club, coding, maths?

I suggest some volunteering /work. My son is very shy/introverted and I worried when he started volunteering but the older volunteers were brilliant at drawing him out of his shell and the experience has been so good for him.