Advice for supporting my very reserved 17 year old daughter

[Bombalerina]

My DD, nearly 17, has always been very reserved. We’ve tried a few things (extra curricular activities for example, encouraging friendships, moving her to a small secondary school) to try and get her out of her shell - to no avail.

She works hard and spends most of her time in her bedroom. She has zero interest outside school - which is also a consequence of her being so reserved.

I had always hoped she’d come out of her shell as she becomes older and she has, in fairness, made progress, recently giving a presentation to an audience as part of her school work, for example.

But seeing other girls at prize-giving this week made me realise how awkward she feels. Other girls were smiling, relaxed, happy and looking at ease with themselves. Mine was scrunched up, hiding and generally looking very uncomfortable. It gave me a really bad feeling that I can’t really explain.

She says she’s fine and never opens up. She’s in good health, not spending too much time online, no disordered eating or any other cause for concern. School is fine - a few teachers are now noticing her and talking about her potential, which is a novelty as teachers have generally ignored her totally throughout her school years.

What can I do to help her come out of her shell, go
out a bit more, be more sociable? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Can you take her traveling? Not a big fancy trip but something that she would need to engage with like train travel and staying in hostels. If she needs to develop her confidence it might help. Plus, it can be easier to stretch yourself and try something new when you’re away from your home turf.

I do understand that your worries are coming from a place of love. You think life would be better for her if she were different. But pause for a moment. How does that feel to her? That her own mum doesn't think she's brilliant just as she is?

If she has picked up on your (well intentioned) worries about her, that will contribute to her doubting herself and making herself smaller.

I think that the work that needs to happen is not for her to change who she is, but rather you to accept who she is. Be her biggest cheerleader. Be open to what her own path looks like. Love her and admire her and think she's fantastic exactly as she is. (and that may even have the the effect of boosting her self esteem and confidence in herself).

Is she going to go to University? That'll probably do it! Particularly if she goes away from home.

Outside of that could you encourage the DofE award or maybe a summer drama program or course of some kind.

What does she do for money? Encouraging her to get a part time job or do some babysitting etc could also help.

This is a good idea, thank you. Maybe a city break or something like that. Or exploring totally new parts of London.

I’m also after ideas for some exercise classes that could give her some confidence. T

@NuffSaidSam yes, she will go to university. DoE / courses / summer jobs are all things I’ve suggested but she won’t entertain. I’ll try suggesting again.

@ExpressHydration I’ve struggled with her not wanting to engage with anything - that’s true.

It’s great that she’s doing well at school and going to university. Life is open to her and as long as she keeps taking on new challenges I suspect she will slowly get there. I was quite reserved and took a long time to feel comfortable putting myself out there and socialising, but university and engaging more with my interests at that time really helped me. High school is just an awkward time for everyone but particularly if you’re naturally reserved and a bit withdrawn and socially anxious.

If your daughter is generally happy, just let her be her. Not everyone has to enjoy social occasions, or be out ‘doing’ things or have lots of friends, and if you push her into these things, you might make her miserable.

Why would an exercise class give her confidence? This feels more about your expectations and what you want her to be, rather than who she wants to be. Support her, don’t push her.

She’ll find her ‘tribe’ as they say when she goes to uni, I’m sure.

I was quiet and reserved and didn’t like to socialise much at school, that all changed when I went to uni and moved away from home. I gained a new found confidence and never looked back.

Love her for who she is right now and don’t put pressure on her to be like the other girls. It’ll just make her miserable. As others say be her biggest cheerleader.

@BibbityBobbity2 That’s really reassuring. Agree with you that high school is awkward - I wish schools did more for reserved children.

@kiggenpaws I’m trying to find her an outlet to get out of our small flat and socialise a bit. And exercise does boost confidence.

Is she unhappy? Does she want to have more friends? Does she feel she is missing out?
Or is she just self contained and content on her own? My DD can happily spend days if not weeks without socialising, and in school she didn’t really connect with anyone after Y9. She’s a content introvert. However that hasn’t stopped her getting involved in loads of things as university, and is currently in Columbia on an internship. But she doesn’t drink, and has maybe one real friend at uni.
I don’t think a naturally introverted person should be pushed to be something they’re not. But if your daughter is troubled and wanting to do more but feels stuck that’s something that hopefully you can help her with.

Does she have a job? I was like your daughter until I got a part time job at 16 and it completely changed my personality for the better because I was pushed out of my comfort zone

@mondaytosunday happy-ish, I think but not always sure. I know she’s felt overlooked at school and she recently opened up that she’s felt hurt by it.

I’m reassured that so many people appear to have found their tribe and confidence at university. Your DD seems to have found a balance that suits her.

@Thr33lions no but she may have an opportunity coming up and I think she should go for it.

Exactly this. Can’t reiterate this enough.

Is she an only child? Are you quiet and reserved? Did this behaviour start recently or was she always the same?

@DeftGoldHedgehog She’s an only child. We’re indeed a quiet household and this may be part of it. She’s always been reserved.

Maybe she is just happy with her own company.

I'm quite solitary and I hate being the centre of attention, I hated school prize giving, I was happy with the prize, I just wish I didn't have to walk across the stage.

I’m quiet and reserved, as is DS. He came out of his shell somewhat at university and is now quietly confident. But neither of us are ever going to be the life and soul of the party. And that’s perfectly okay.

I can’t think of anything worse than being forced to go to an exercise or drama class or travelling around in busy environments. Give me a book and a decent cup of coffee and I’ll be fine. Just let your daughter be herself and stop pushing your anxieties on to her.

It's probably just how she is then. I wouldn't go beyond gentle encouragement and suggestion. She sounds intelligent and she will find her own way. Give her confidence by letting her know that you love her just the way she is.

I think there is a big difference between being reserved and quiet through choice and being so because your dd finds life and people hard. I was very much like your dd, only child, quiet house and I was never very social but I could cope with social situations and people. My ds19 is also not very much of a people person, but he can cope and over the years we have gently put him in activities etc where he did have to work with others. If your dd is in physically showing signs of social discomfort then she must really find it all very stressful and it might be worth helping her understand why and seeing if there are tools she could use the help her in these situations. Having a job might help as long as it is somewhere caring. A voluntary role might also be good. For me it is the ability to function socially at some level that is important.

This. Your daughter has her own wants. She is not you.

Don’t make her feel like there is something wrong with her because she doesn’t enjoy the things that you enjoy.

Some people are energised by being with others, some people find it draining.

You’ve offered to pay for things, she has said no thanks. Conversation over.

What does she like doing? She may prefer more quiet pursuits. Let her find her own tribe.

I was made to feel ‘less than’ because I wasn’t interested in the cultured things that my family were. It took me until I was in my 40s to shake that off.

@Bombalerina I am not sure why anyone thinks university will change her! Maybe they wanted to join in but plenty of dc now just stay in their rooms. Lectures are on line and plenty of dc don’t make friends. The XXXX hits the fan in y2 when they have no one to share a house with. So I do think you are right to be concerned. Neither do I think saying she’s wonderful and cheerleading is the right way either. Too forced! However she’s happy and going to school so at least that’s not a worry!

I assume teachers have had something to say about her at parents evenings down the years and if she’s presented something, that’s a huge step forward. I like the idea of a holiday. Definitely plan together and see where might interest her? My DDs liked city breaks and she might need to boost self reliance and streetwise skills before uni.

People who make themselves invisible usually succeed. They don’t want attention of teachers or anyone else. Other dc cannot make friends with someone who does not want to engage. I don’t think you can change this but she will need self reliance at university so when you start looking at which ones, have a good chat with her at the open days. Don’t speak for her when engaging with staff. She needs to engage on those days and make her own mind up about what to do.

Spot on.

Kids do pick up on our feelings, worries and insecurities; even if you don’t show it. Tell her how amazing and beautiful she is and how proud you are of her. Practice acceptance, encouragement and motivation.

I say this with the best of intentions, as I was this kid. Maybe she doesn’t need to “come out of her shell”. Social situations drain the life from me and I’m much happier spending time alone or with one or two close friends. My only exception is my D&D game once a month with 5 friends, and I need time alone after that. I don’t see why she should pretend or try to be extroverted if she is an introvert.

These two words are opposites. You are not an extrovert if you are sociable. Most people have a few solid friends and are not remotely extrovert. But they join in and come out of their rooms! There are lots of shades between introvert and extrovert. The op just wants a bit of movement along the scale from introvert. She’s not asking for dd to be the organiser in chief or the full on life and soul of the party with 1000 followers on Insta!