Unmotivated / low-achieving teens

[Remmy123]

Hi

i have two teens 14 and 17.5

17.5 year old scraped through his GCSEs after most of the time messing around in school. Now at college first year got a U on one of his A levels and scraped a pass for the BTECs. Doesn't want to go to uni. Is not driven by anything or motivated to achieve a thing. has theory driving test and has a week to revise and said he won't be ready can I move it (he has a week of nothing to do so plenty of time).

He is driven by seeing his friends, DJs (very into music) socialising - he is very popular and charismatic but the lapse in motivation or wanting to achieve things is really getting me down.

teen number 2 is 14 and failed all of his end of year exams- again not motivated or bothered to achieve much.

we are there to support, offer tutors etc but their attitude to learning or putting any effort in whatsoever isn't there.

I am surrounded by nieces and nephews all doing very well - his friends are doing very well too

i hate to say it but I feel really down about it and half of me wants to say 'sod it it's your life'

anyone in the same boat or has been in same situation?

I think there’s a big difference that kind of not praising a child and the ‘Oh how wonderful and clever you are, you got 3 out of 10 for your spelling test!’ type praise that you hear about these days.

That's just blatant nonsense, no one is going to say a child has done wonderfully for getting 3 out of 10, you're just making yourself look silly. There's no issue with booking his theory test OP, honestly people on here think you should do nothing for your child once they hit 18, it's crazy - and yours isn't even 18. I booked DS's theory test, he actually failed it - but is now been happily living away and working as a software engineer apprentice for the last two years - I organised him applying for that as well in case anyone's wondering.

It sounds like they're both a bit lost and don't have much direction OP. I think they both need more support with working out their future - not less support and just being left to it. If the eldest only just scraped his GCSE's then him doing A-levels at all was a very poor idea. Personally I wouldn't worry too much though as charisma, self confidence and extraversion are likely to really help him get where he wants to when he finds his thing.

I'm surprised that he has never been given decks of any sort as a Christmas or birthday present to encourage him if that is what he is really into. Are all his friends going to uni? Things might change a lot for him then if so and he might suddenly start feeling left behind. I'd discuss that with him now - he really needs to have some sort of plan for when he finishes college.

With the 14 year old again I'd be trying to get him think about his future - what's he into? What he might be interested in doing as a job? What does he need to achieve to get there? If they can both picture a future then they have something they can start working towards.

Hmm. I have an unmotivated teen. Did ok in GCSEs - predicted to do v well in but didn’t focus. Doing ok ish in A levels, not great. It’s the lack of taking steps to goals that is driving me mad. Wants to learn to drive, doesn’t go on site to apply. Wants to go on hols with mates, can’t get dates. Was saying today about work experience - 6 months too late. I’m stepping right back. They’ll never learn otherwise.

Yep Ive told him I'm stepping back a bit more

as working parents often discuss different jobs we got him work experience at a media sports company so he gets lots of support - the issue is the lack of drive or motivation to want to achieve its very frustrating.

re getting him decks it's only lately he has got into going to see DJs and in to his music etc I'm not going to run out and buy him some - that he can save for!

Slightly related to this, my DD y12 has been doing a lot of uni open day visits recently. I heard from her and a couple of others that the open day attendees are in the majority, girls. A theory was floated that girls are more motivated to sort out going to open days and boys more likely to leave it to last minute or apply without going to open days. Don’t know if there is any truth in it?

I got my dc an English tutor as he was really struggling and resits are really crappy.

getting a tutor so they pass maths and English is surprisingly common and does help them.

beyond that - yes, quite a few teens need to take the time to make the connections for themselves between money and being able to spend it.

The 14 year old - really a bit young for a job, keep going with the pocket money and duppprt.

the 17.5 year old I’d be saying ok, time you started adulting and learning how to manage your life. No booking theory tests, no lifts unless he’s nice to you, etc etc. it’ll take him a while but he’ll get there and you’ll feel a lot less resentment

The jump to A-levels is massive if you haven’t studied enough to GCSE. It also sounds as if your boys are struggling to apply themselves.

Hand on heart, where do you think they’d actually be if they could apply themselves?

Often kids opt out when they become overwhelmed. I know my dd did. Luckily, I was able to afford tutors. One, who combined maths and English and tutored her long-term. The other for science. She had 2 hours most weeks with a science tutor for about 3 months.

If your kids are just not grasping the concepts, but have the ability to do well in academic subjects, often some tutoring can go really long way. My dd went from 2,3 in her December science GCSE mock and not understanding very much to 6,6 for the actual exam.

It turns out my dd really struggles to access the education. She is very recently diagnosed ND and actually needed a ton of adjustments at school, which she didn’t have. I was told by the assessor, that she likely has something called twice exceptional and this is why she’s struggling.

She set her exams this year and is on track for good grades in A-level. We did some last minute cramming together in one subject and had some tutoring for the other two.

if you can afford it, I would do the same for both boys.

Often you find, if kids aren’t motivated in their education, they may also just opt out of everything. It has been a massive struggle to get my dd to where she is. So I do get it.

You don't need to buy him DJ equipment if he signs up for a music based college course or apprenticeship.
Have you (or him) actually looked at what courses are out there?

Possibly. Boys do seem to lack motivation more often.