Unmotivated / low-achieving teens

[Remmy123]

Hi

i have two teens 14 and 17.5

17.5 year old scraped through his GCSEs after most of the time messing around in school. Now at college first year got a U on one of his A levels and scraped a pass for the BTECs. Doesn't want to go to uni. Is not driven by anything or motivated to achieve a thing. has theory driving test and has a week to revise and said he won't be ready can I move it (he has a week of nothing to do so plenty of time).

He is driven by seeing his friends, DJs (very into music) socialising - he is very popular and charismatic but the lapse in motivation or wanting to achieve things is really getting me down.

teen number 2 is 14 and failed all of his end of year exams- again not motivated or bothered to achieve much.

we are there to support, offer tutors etc but their attitude to learning or putting any effort in whatsoever isn't there.

I am surrounded by nieces and nephews all doing very well - his friends are doing very well too

i hate to say it but I feel really down about it and half of me wants to say 'sod it it's your life'

anyone in the same boat or has been in same situation?

I would ask teen 1 what his plans are since he doesn’t want to go university if he plans to work full time & that he needs to start looking now or there will be consequences.
teen 2 i would get a tutor for and consider telling him this summer hols he needs to knuckle right down & study hard.

How easy is their life right now … do they actually need to bother with anything

Who pays for the DJ’ing and socialising?
Who pays for the driving lessons and tests?

Are they addicted to gaming and online life?

Thanks all

yes they play online x box etc but also play football / boxing

there are no driving lessons for teen until he got a part time job (which he now has) and he gets pocket money. I've told him to driving lessons until theory test is passed.

they do not do many jobs around the house it is always met with such resistance.

It is their life! I'm picking out one sentence of what you wrote which may or may not be indicative of how you are doing too much for your teens, not letting them fail, face shitty consequences and get back up again...

Why are you booking a driving test for your teen?

Were the A-Levels/Btec connected to the music/DJ scene?
Is the 14 year old just finishing Year 9?

Do you talk about their dreams for the future with them and use their grand ideas as a start point to discuss what skills and experience they will need to get on track?

If your DS is mad about DJing, I would encourage that to some extent. Maybe he could do a sound engineering course, or DJ at parties, or work security for some club nights and find out more about how to get started as a DJ.

Fatboy Slim was on Desert Island Discs the other day, talking about how he used to do cheesey wedding DJing at first to get experience and fund his vinyl habit. They have to learn that there are stepping stones to what they want to do, some of which involve stuff you dislike because it trains you up for what you love.

Thanks all

I just booked the theory test for him should I not have bothered?

I do get them to do things but it takes me a good few times asking before it's actioned!

Thanks - he says ' I might get some decks and learn to DJ' he never follows things through because he isn't motivating enough

I said if he did well at college and I saw he was grafting we would get him a car for his 19th and he has done terribly so that hasn't motivated him either.

14 year old is in year 10

They both have emails home about their behaviour at school (not so much at college but when he was at school) - absolutely sick of it.

meanwhile I also have a 9 year old who is the total opposite!!

Do they have phones? Are you paying for them?

I just booked the theory test for him should I not have bothered
He needs to be doing stuff like that himself, he's a few months away from adulthood so should be doing things any other adult does including housework, cooking etc.

Resistance to functioning like an adult can be met with your resistance to provide money, lifts, or the new WiFi password.
Of course the option of doing fuck all is more appealing than working, so remove the option.

It sounds like you so far too much for them. With your talk of tutors, I’m going to assume you’re fairly well off, and thus they are just assuming they ll be fine as you’ll sub them to coast? Note I might be wrong.
there is no way I would pay for a tutor for someone who can’t be bothered at school which is already laid on a plate for them even if I were a billionaire.
for a dc who was working hard and just needed a bit of help in one area for example, sure I’d pay for a tutor, but not this.
I think it sounds like they have too easy a ride.

Most 17 year olds I know would be doing all of this themselves. If they want to learn to drive, they sort it out.

@Remmy123 what subjects is/was the eldest doing?
Are they actually subjects they are interested in and could lead to a career/job?
If he is interested in DJing is he doing a music qualification? If not - why not?
Does he actually want a car? If you live in an area with good public transport or he has a friend who drives him then he might not want the responsibility of a car.
As for the 14 year old. Are they doing GCSE subjects they are actually interested in? Are they having to do too many subjects? Some schools insist on 8/9/10 GCSEs. That's far too many and incredibly overwhelming in my opinion. What does your 14 year old actually like doing? Or used to do when slightly younger. Do they have (or had) a hobby that could lead to a job but they don't actually realise it's something they could actually do? (for example in my 14 year old brain I had no clue that Lego Designer was an actual job).
Could they switch to a 14-16 college course where less subjects are studied and more focused on on specific goal?

Where is their DF in all this and what are the consequences of not doing chores? Seems they are just allowed to do whatever they like.

Having to earn ALL the money they need to enjoy all the things they want, is great motivation.

What is the game plan - ie how long are you willing to have them stay at home with you as adults who “don’t do much”?

Perhaps reframe it: you need to build the muscle of demanding more from them / they need to build the muscle of achieving more and ideally self motivating

Slowly make changes - the ask that you wouldn’t have made - make it; the thing you would have given up on - demand it;
the thing they claim to want but don’t do anything for - don’t deliver it, they need to do it themselves

No you shouldn't have. And you shouldn't be asking them multiple times to do these sorts of things for themselves. As you said it's their life. If they want to learn to drive they need to do thinking, the research, the admin to make that happen. And if they can't do that, then they fail at the first hurdle. Let them fail. Stop enabling them to be lazy and entitled.

I'm not saying all of this is going on for you and your teen, I have no idea! But I have a mental image that you've created of an almost adult being woken by mummy, nagged to shower, handed a slice of buttered toast as he walks out the door into an instructor's car that mummy has researched, contacted, booked and paid for. Then coming home surly because he is being given everything on a plate but values non of it. At this point you are doing far far too much active parenting. Drop the rope, let them fail and be there to offer support, advice and encouragement only

My children got no pocket money after the age of 16 when they could all get weekend/evening work. I proved basic toiletries/ snacks etc and all food / heating etc and I bought basic clothes (not fashion stuff unless it was a gift) mobile phone was a basic add on to my account.

things like booking driving tests etc I helped if they needed it but otherwise it was up to them.

when they left full time education they were expected to pay 20% of their earning with a minimum of £35 a week (this was a while ago no though) if they didn’t get a job (which my eldest dragged his heels with) mobile phone wasn’t paid for very basic food no snacks had a list of chores to earn what we did provide. He lasted 3 weeks like that and then suddenly got a job sweeping floors in a factory. We were devastated but went along with it, it was a start. That was 9 years ago now and he’s been trained by the company todo fine line stressed testing welding for medical equipment. It turns out he’s very gifted and they having companies waiting for him to be free to do their orders rather than get someone else !

son no2 was ok at school but not over enthusiastic. He started at the same company following his brother with the floor sweeping at 16, they obviously saw something in him because they got him into the office and started training him. He’s moved company a couple of times now and is very happy as a structural architect earning over 50k at 26.

so don’t despair, they will get there. And be tough with the love

Stop asking and start telling.

What consequences are in place when they don't do their share of chores?

Ultimately OP it's almost always nurture not nature that determines how our children develop.

Of course there are differences in temperament and characteristics but the example set in the home determines a great deal. Where there are not strong family role models other third party influences can be less benign.

It's not a complete lottery how your children develop (although obviously chance can and does play a part too).

This. If you are paying for EVERYTHING, why would they need to be motivated?

Thanks all this is very eye opening for me!

re the tutor- no I am not well off but I can afford a maths tutor weekly so he passes.

I do pay everything for the 14 year old as too young for a job it's only £6 a week fe gets pocket money

my elder teen- he asks a lot more and he gets it so I've made a rod for my own back - he did get a job which is catering staff for large events but I think I mentioned up thread it's 0 contract hours and hasn't had one shift!

really need to work on myself and not be such a pushover

Does anyone else think all that praise and rewards they had when little then manifests in them not caring and not trying? Instead of being sternly corrected every time they made a spelling mistake and made to think it mattered like we were, they seem to grow up not really caring? Or maybe it’s the relative wealth of nowadays. We had to do our best and do our duty, that seems to have gone now.

I’m with others, withdraw money and priveleges and try to paint a future for them, while making clear they don’t get to doss round at home on your dollar/pound.

Read up on child attachment, what not praising a child, and leaving a baby crying alone does to their development. (A lot of people have replied to your comment on someone else's thread)

Would you want to be around someone who sternly corrects you for something you don't know, or someone who encourages and likes you?
I'm in my 40s and don't know what you mean by duty.