Did friendships improve for your daughter by Year 11?

[Crazybusymama]

My DD in y10, recently got dumped by her friendship group in September, and there was no real reason, she didnt watch horror movies like them so they would meet without her and complain she spoke to other kids at school. She suggested doing other activities and meet ups but they weren't interested. Anyway think perhaps they weren't a good fit. But since then she's finding it really hard to be accepted by any of the girls, they all are very cliqey and have been friends since y7. Shes really lovely, clever and kind, but all the girls are like we are a group culture at her school. No one seems to want to embrace a new person in to their groups. The boys are quite lovely and chat to her quite abit this causes more unnecessary agro at school amongst the girls. Did anyone's DD get to year 11 and it get better. I'm encouraging her to maybe just try and have lunch on her own, this stresses her out who she'll hang with at breaks and lunch. Its a real shame as she's just a really lovely girl and when it was vice versa she was always inclusive of the girls who now have their own friends, and aren't happy to reciprocate. She has a good friend but this friend is torn as her friends aren't inclusive of my dd and make it clear they dont want her to hang to the point they openly blank her and say hi to this other girl, lie about where they are having lunch and give my dd dirty looks. It made her really ill and she had time off school. The school aren't as helpful as I'd like, and in all honesty I don't think you can force 15 year olds to change. Its very stressful and I'm getting to the point where im just so stressed out by it all. She doesn't have anyone really her age outside of school and no cousins her age. As in covid she changed primary school as we moved, and although made friends never got a chance to get close. She goes to a club outside of school which she enjoys but the girls all go to the same secondary as each other which my dd doesn't attend so although lovely are very close. Dd doesn't feel like she is in with them. Ive found her a teen group to try in a few weeks and a tuition centre to try hopeing she can mingle and meet people her age. It all makes me so sad. I can't change school as the syllabuses don't match. Any advice? She trys clubs at lunch but they aren't on the whole of lunch. Did anyone's dd in year 11 find things improved or any advice? We are going to look at a different 6th form or college.

For my DDs, there is/was no magic year. Whilst everyone seems to yearn for besties and a 'girl group', I'm not sure it's any more realistic than sex scenes in films.
I've come to the conclusion after my decades and observing both DDs' experiences that most 'friendships' are actually situation based. So enjoy them whilst they last, nurture them if you can, grieve them when they end and ... move on to the next situation.

TLDR:
DD1 has always struggled from primary right through to university. Some years and/or for a few months/terms she has a great friend/friendship group and then it all goes wrong. Each time it has been for different reasons, often to do with the other friend(s): they fall out with each other but somehow drop DD too. Bless her, she picks herself up and starts again.
(In yr 7 - 11 she was close friends with a neighbour from primary - sat together on the bus every day - but once they started at college, the 'close' friend couldn't be bothered even to answer texts!)

DD2 has had a pretty steady friendship group through primary up to the end of yr11. There have been some ups and downs (and some downs were utterly abysmal - the serial befriender who worked her way through all the girls in the class being their one and only and then dumping them oh so casually) but generally, DD2 has not had the ghosting/scorched-earth experiences of DD1. Lots of that is just down to the personalities in her class. We'll see how it goes at college.

@tarheelbaby thank you for sharing your insight. It sounds awful at schools now doesn't it. I remember drama but not this bad growing up. Its just so exhausting, at this point I am just happy for her to have a steady friendship, with someone who won't dump her. I think she finds it exhausting floating and not truly having anyone to just rely on as a friend. Hope your DDs meet nice, kind, fun people along the way.

We actually found y10 was a watershed. DD did have friends but the slightly more spiky dc matured and they gelled. During lessons the interested DDs found each other too. No one was left out. So by y11 there was a wide group of girls who got on with each other pretty well.

I think your DD is in an unfortunate immature year. The horror films sounds very off for 14/15 year olds. I’d be pleased they did jog on, but I see the issue of now being alone. I’m not sure I know what the answer is, but I was in a similar position at school. Invisible and not great at anything, so somewhat irrelevant. I’m truly not sure what the answer is. Are all the girls truly in friendship groups? One of my DDs was definitely left out at primary school so we moved to a completely different secondary. When your DD gets into 6th form the dynamics might change again but in the meantime does she do sport, drama, choir or anything at school? This can help - find a few like minded dc?

@Crazybusymama , my top tip is: start telling them now that it can come and go so that when it goes, they are not completely blind-sided.
Floating is exhausting but builds independence and resilience.

Is she at a mixed school? My daughter didn't have friends problems as you describe above, but didn't like kids much even when she was one. School life opened up quite a lot when she was 15 and started going around with a really lovely boy.

@Tumbler2121 Yes DD is at a mixed school, i think @MeetMeOnTheCorner it is a rather immature year, the things said sound really odd, like we are a 4, we are a group etc. She does drama out of school, and choir at school, she loves singing and does shows. I think its just unfortunate timing for her. I keep saying y10 is ending and y11 will go quick, but when you're in this situation it probably feels very long. I know she will be feeling sad everyone is discussing y11 and prom, fun things and sitting in their groups, most seem to appear quite bonded but also a bit like sheep, if dd asks to hang or sit with them, the answer is i have to check with the others or sorry blah blah has to decide. Really hope changing to a different 6th form will help. But the current situation is awful for her.

Girls are a completely different breed these days but years 9 and 10 were AWFUL. My dd finally got a nice friendship group when she changed schools in year 12. I feel so sorry for kids these days I don’t remember our girls school in the 90s being anywhere near as difficult.

@BeMellowAquaSquid thats reassuring to know that your dds situation got better when she changed. Shes such a lovely girl and trys so hard to stay positive but it must be so lonely. Hopefully things will improve same for her.

Was she friends with this group since year 7? It sounds very harsh dumping her like that in year 10. Poor girl. Year 11 will fly by, but like you said, it’s no comfort now and it can still feel like a lifetime. I’m not really too sure what to suggest. It is hard to infiltrate into established “groups” at that age. I think I would just be inclined to really big my daughter up, spend lots of time with her, nurture her outside of school as much as possible. Treat her at the weekends, lots of TLC. Sixth form really is a different vibe by the way. The hierarchy and the groups dissolve instantly (I work in schools). I also have a year 9 daughter, who, if was dumped in year 10 by her group it would make her ill. Such a brutal time for some isn’t it? I really hope it all works out well for your DD. I bet you some other girl gets “dumped” and hopefully they can gel. I’ve seen that dynamic.

@BurnoutBee yes she was friends with these girls since y7 and use to go out in the early years with them, they were a group of 5, then in y10 they started wanting to just watch horror films and dd doesnt enjoy them neither do I tbh, then started leaving her out and suddenly just being a bit cruel about her food allergies and her talking to othe kids or the boys being nice to her, she had a bit of a natural glow up in the summer and I dont know if since then or what.

Sadly I think this is quite common - the whole group mentality and closing ranks. A change for Y12 is often a very good idea especially if it is to somewhere wheee there are quite a few new starters.
It is hard going into a summer holiday with no friends to hang out with though. I sympathise.

Sadly didn’t improve for my DD who grew out of her friendship group as she saw then become more mean girly. She ended up cancelling prom plans with them, and doing most of year 11 alone, and trying to hang out with other groups.

Heartbreaking and she’s not found a proper best friend since despite having a wonderful personality, being kind and thoughtful and a very bright confident young lady. Think she’s just too grown up and mature for the majority of the circles she’s been in so far - she had better relationships with the teachers than the students.

I feel for your DD @Crazybusymama and hope she can find a good friend to get through year 11 with.

@Crazybusymama

Hmm, clearly one of the girls has decided your DD is out of the group and the others have been sheep. If boys started to notice her that can absolutely be a factor. Maybe she can get a boyfriend instead lol 😜. My son spent a lot of time with his GF during breaks and lunch in year 10. They’re over now but it could be a time filler. It sounds very tiring for her but unfortunately she won’t be alone in her experience. She will probably come out a lot stronger for it, as the old saying goes some girls really do peak at high school. It’s really not an easy ride for some girls and there’s often no rhyme or reason as to which girl/s it is. Year 11 can sometimes be less drama as they knuckle down for mocks and GCSEs. ♥️

@Crazybusymama I would say having one best friend isn’t a way forward. I think being part of a welcoming group is best. They do sound immature and horror films? What’s wrong with these girls? I think she might have to sit tight in y11. Are there no boy and girl friendship groups or do all the girls stay separate? Having to ask others about another girl they know joining in is saying there’s a queen bee dictating this. I know y11 will seem long but essentially it’s 2 terms then exams. When dd didn’t really have friends at primary, the move to a school away from everyone was the best thing we ever did. A new life opened up and it will give your dd a fresh start and that’s valuable.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner she wishes the girls and boys had mixed friendship groups as she really gets on with the boys, and they speak so much nicer to her. Think it is just unfortunate that the group that dropped her also spread rumours. So when she does make friends its brief and rumours start she said something about someone or one of the boys fancy her that a girl from the group like. Feels alot worse the last few weeks. She felt better when she had the one friend who she had to sit with albeit wasn't nice the rest of the group ignored her and didnt speak to her. She's taken a packlunch and will try just having a walk at lunch today, she would love to be just embraced by a new group and have friends to do things with. I think as she is mature and gets on great with my cousins in their early 20s, maybe majority of this year group are a bit immature, like running away, playing tig. Most people who meet her love chatting to her, so I find school such a shame

@BurnoutBee I noticed when y10 mocks where going on there was less drama so hopefully will be the same. Also lots of revision classes during lunch so hopefully that will just keep her busy and less lonely.

Oh dear God we are going through this. . Main ex friend blanking her, so she’s half out of the friendship group as a result..

@CrazybusymamaRunning away and playing tig? Are they 15 or 5? Honestly, they are very childish. I’ve had a dd very upset about being goaded about having a “boyfriend”. She didn’t but there are immature DDs about! It’s difficult to know what to advise because this is really down to obnoxious dc. And how can you counter that?

Yr11 is tough IME. Lots of focus on revision and exams. It might change the dynamic.
my DD got friendlier with those in the subjects involving coursework eg PE where there was only 26 of them - mixed group and another subject where only a couple of classes of students too it. They were doing boosters and lunch sessions etc together.

Yeah my DD was in a group of 4. One got dumped in Y10, very acrimonious (DD not involved but also didn't leave and join her). Another girl joined the group so back to 4, but another left in Y11. Just stopped talking to them overnight, very very odd. DD remained friendly with Y10 girl but Y11 girl wouldn't speak to anyone and got in with the cool girls. Now DD's in sixth form, much bigger group of friends and all is well. She is so much happier. I hadn't realised how much all the friendship issues affected her. It's hard. If your DD can hang on for one more year, sixth form will be a lot better.

@Mullaghanish sorry your dd is going through this is well. Its so horrid, I don't know why girls can't just be kind and inclusive.
@MeetMeOnTheCorner I know right! Tig and running away sums them up.

@PrincessOfPreschool did your dd change to a different 6th form? I'm encouraging her to change to a different one. As the 6th form at this current school isn't very big so I feel if these issues were to continue I don't know how she will be as she is being so brave and continuing and trying her best to make the most of a awful situation. She's found a quiet spot to eat lunch. She does have lots of people chat to her when she's in lessons or walking around school but not enough to be included in any particular friendship group.

My DD stayed at the same school for sixth form. She was quite intentional that she would be looking for new friends. She applied to another sixth form but didn't get in and was a bit gutted and then anxious about friendships in sixth form. Her original group are all at the sixth form but in different groups now and DD is friendly with them all whilst not being 'best friends' with anyone. DD's friendship group is much larger, more fluid, more boys involved. DD also has friends in her subjects that she sometimes chooses to sit with at lunch. It's just all much less intense and also means any 'power holding' kids have much less influence. DD doesn't really have 'best friends' (I think she had enough of that Y7-10) although she has got quite close to one new friend who is lovely.

I hope your DD can find her way next year. Maybe encourage her to join some groups for break who are less cliquey (often the less 'popular' groups) and then she can go into joining them for lunch. A simple 'can I sit with you' to nice kids is all it takes.

@Crazybusymama Moving can work but then she’s again on the outside looking in. My DD1 is very friendly still with new girls who arrived in the 6th form bit she gathers friends! Some will be in a clique and stay in it. What can work is where lots of dc join - they all might need new friends! Although don’t do what my DN did. She’s so politically judgemental, no one met her very left wing credentials and their modest homes were considered “posh”
so she made friends with no one. An open mind works best.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner alot of new students don't really join this one. But the one we're looking at 30% are
new, or maybe a college, but think a 6th form might be better.

@PrincessOfPreschool DD is just a bubbly, lovely girl, really kind and inclusive to others and previously included/asked those on their own to join her and her friends for lunch, when she noted they were on their own, but now 2 of these have their own friends they haven't reciprocated when dd asked to join. One of these girls hung out with dd and her old group for months, when she had been pushed out of her group.

Dd was quite upset last night saying she doesn't understand why people cant be kind and nice. The girls just start speaking to her and then run away, the boys saw and started talking to her yesterday. I dont know if its just a weird year or the girls are odd. Everyone pretty much has established friendship groups.

Its really stressful. Juggling work and thinking if shes ok.

@CrazybusymamaYour DD is in the midst of some very immature strange girls! I think look forward to the school where 30% join new. Just hope her current crop don’t go there too.

Im not sure how many DDs she’s tried to be friendly with. The door should be firmly closed on the silly ones but there must be others who are not in a group? Or who have also been rejected? These dc are not going to “be kind” and she has to move on and get stuck into clubs.

I do think co-ed schools can be like this - fewer girls. An all girls school gives far more options.